Received: from [66.218.66.27] by n36.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:18 -0000 X-Sender: stephen@trekiverse.org X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 52856 invoked from network); 17 Jun 2004 03:01:17 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.172) by m21.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:17 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.50) by mta4.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:17 -0000 Received: from sdn-ap-022dcwashp0380.dialsprint.net ([63.191.161.126]) by avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net with smtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Ban9Q-0000nU-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:16 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office Message-ID: X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.50 X-eGroups-From: Stephen From: Stephen X-Yahoo-Profile: oldmanasc MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 22:59:51 -0400 Subject: [ASC] NEW - A Grand Slam MiSTing (0/4) (Humor, DS9, TNG, X-Over) Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70 http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/5x3olB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 04:26:58 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) Hi, faithful listeners. Uh, readers. Um - well, you know what you are. Today's selection from Bill Brains, Inc, is entitled "A Grand Slam MiSTing". Unlike my other offerings, this is not a single entity - it's four short subjects mushed into one. They are (in order): 1) "The Four Kings", a little rant about counting to 444 by 6. Or maybe it's 666 by 4. I'm entirely sure. 2) "The Endicott Syndrome" by Rob Morris. Rob's a nice guy who's written a metric ton of crossover stories, most of which are really good, if a little off-the-wall. Here, Odo revisits a past life, via a somewhat circuitous route. 3) "Artistic License" by Dr. Thinker. Doc can alway be counted on to prove there's more than one way to write a sentence. In this story, Supergirl reveals her true origin to cousin Kal-El. 4) "Oklahoma Command" by Stephen Ratliff. Stephen's familiar to us all here for his Marrissa stories - which this is not one of. This is the story of two captains and the ship who loves them both. Much thanks to Rob, Doc & Stephen for their permission to have a little fun with their creative works. So sit back, grab a bowl of ice cream and put your feet up on your wireless connecion and enjoy the latest production of Bill Brains, Inc. Bill L. 57776 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ billfl@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl "If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you." Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night" -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Wed Jun 16 23:02:23 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n41.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.67.16]) by mamo (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bANa26yI3NZFk71 for ; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:54 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13724-1087441309-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yahoo.com Received: from [66.218.67.195] by n41.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:50 -0000 X-Sender: stephen@trekiverse.org X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 15211 invoked from network); 17 Jun 2004 03:01:49 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.216) by m2.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:49 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.50) by mta1.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:49 -0000 Received: from sdn-ap-022dcwashp0380.dialsprint.net ([63.191.161.126]) by avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net with smtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Ban9S-0000nU-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:18 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office Message-ID: <8922d09741nsc975jddlb2s59q98e7sif8@4ax.com> X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.50 X-eGroups-From: Stephen From: Stephen X-Yahoo-Profile: oldmanasc MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 22:59:54 -0400 Subject: [ASC] NEW - A Grand Slam MiSTing (1/4) (Humor, DS9, TNG, X-Over) Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar. Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free! http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/5x3olB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 04:27:27 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) [SATELLITE OF LOVE - Mike & Tom Servo are seated at a computer. Mike is working on it (since Tom has the whole non-operative arms issue) and Tom is kibitzing] Tom: Okay, now just highlight the column. Mike: Right. [pause] Um, how do I do that? Tom: *sigh* Just put the cursor over the column header - that's the big "B" in the gray box at the top - and click the left mouse button. Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike works the mouse for a moment] Okay, yeah. I think that's got it. Tom: Great! [muttering] Took ya along enough to get there. [Normal] Hokay then, now go to the top of the screen and click "Data" and - Mike: Oh, I know - that android from "Star Trek" shows up and does this for me, right? Heh heh heh. Tom: [coldly] Look, Nelson, do you want to get this done or not? Mike: Sorry, yeah, just trying to lighten things up. [Notices Cambot is on] Oh,hey people. Mike Nelson up here on the Satellite of Love, and Tom's here helping me with some computer stuff. Tom: Yeah, as much as possible, anyway. Mike: See, Tom has his underwear collection in a spreadsheet now, and he can make all kinds of graphs and charts and neat little doodads, so I figure I might as well join the 21st century and put my coin collection on here, too. Tom: And he played off my better nature to get me to help. Mike: I gave you a box of Caramel Coated Ramchips. Tom: Yeah, and I'm considering giving them back at this point. Mike: Oh, c'mon, it hasn't been *that* bad. Tom: Hasn't been - first we had to find a C/PM converter and convert your files - your *WordStar* files, I might add! Mike: WordStar's a good program. Tom: Yeah, if you're living in 1983! Then we had to reassemble it all because *you* like variety so much you didn't have your data formatted the same way twice! *Then* we spent a couple of hours getting a Comma Separated file into Excel! And for what?!? Mike: Well - my coin collection. Tom: You've only got three farging coins in your stupid collection, Nelson - a Maryland Quarter, a Chuck E. Cheese game token, and a penny with old, cruddy bubble gum stuck to Lincoln's beard that you found the day you got sent here! Mike: [pause] So what's your point? Tom: Don't you think maybe - just *maybe* - this effort's a little excessive for three stinking coins?! Mike: Well... maybe. But I think I ought to be able to have the same cool graphics and stuff. Tom: Rrrrgh!! Give me one reason - just *one* good reason - to keep putting myself through this chamber of torture! Mike: I'll give you another box of ramchips? Tom: HA! [pause] Peanut butter this time? Mike: You bet. Tom: [cheerily] Okay, just click "Data" and select "Convert Text to Columns". Mike: Right, let's see... [Before Mike can figure out the mysteries of Excel, Crow enters from stage right. He is covered almost entirely in corporate name brand stickers] Crow: Hey guys. Mike: Hey, Crow, how's it - gyah! Crow, what's all this? Tom: Yeah, you look like a walking billboard. Crow: That's the idea. Mike & Tom: Huh? Crow: In order to help offset the sudden rise in gas prices, I've sold advertising space on my carapace. Mike: [Confused] Um, I don't quite get the connection here, Crow. I mean... Crow: Well, it's simple, Mike. I mean, NASCAR drivers can get boocoo bucks just for slapping an advertising sticker on their souped-up jalopies, so I figure this goes them one better. Tom: [examining Crow's stickers] Wal-Mart, IBM, Pizza Hut, lileks.com - geez, Crow, you actually got all these companies to pay you for this?! Crow: Sure! [pause] Well, not as yet, no. But once they find out about it, they won't have any choice but to cough up the dough! Tom: Uhhhh - okay. Mike: Listen, Crow, I don't know how much money you think you're gonna make... Crow: Well, my initial projection is about 20 grand per month. But I may have to downsize that a tad Mike: Um, okay, but - you said this is a hedge against gas prices? Crow: Exactly, Mike. It's getting awfully expensive, y'know, and I gotta build up a strategic reserve to keep myself running. Tom: Huh? Crow: Oh I know, I know, I shoulda done it earlier when prices were lower. I don't really know why I didn't. Mike: Maybe because you don't run on gas. [pause] Crow: Really? Tom: Of course not, Crow. You're powered by a system of triply-redundant chromium- cadmium battery packs. Crow: Well, I'll be - hahaha, you're right, Tom, I'd completely forgotten about that! Boy, what the heck was *I* thinking? Tom: I've often wondered. [lights begin to flash] Mike: Well, we'll plumb that mystery later. Looks like our presence is being requested elsewhere. How do, Pearl? [CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & company are gathered about a computer of their own.] Pearl: So you're sure? Bobo: Oh, the results are quite conclusive, Lawgiver - look at the chart here, here, and uhhh - oh, here. Observer: And what about here? Bobo: Oh, that's just a macro that opens up a "Bookworm" session. Observer: "Bookworm"? Bobo: Yes, it's a game where you have to connect letters and form words. Observer: [intrigued] I see, and the longer the word the higher the score. Bobo: Right - it's a great way to kill an afternoon. Observer: It sounds quite fascinating, let's have a look at it, shall we? Bobo: Sure, This oughta be right up your... Pearl: [reaching out and pinning Bobo's Mouse hand] Hey - Wheeler and Woolly - we're in the middle of something here! Mad Science *now*, word games later! Bobo: Ow. Uh, sorry Lawgiver Observer: Yes, please, go on. [whispering to Bobo] You're sure it's bookmarked? Bobo: Oh yes, definitely. Pearl: [to Mike] Okay, Nelpole, it's like this - you know I've been trying to break your will for a long time now. But so far, despite throwing everything at you clowns from "Neptune Men" and "Final Justice" to that fake "Spider-Man" movie script and that Neo-Zero-Gogo-Hojo thing, you've remained *annoyingly* unbreakable. Bobo: Ooh, that was a confusing movie. Pearl: Can it, Chimpley! Anyway, thanks to this little study we've put together, I've been forced to conclude - albeit reluctantly - that clobbering you with these big giant cheesy projects is a wipe. A bust. A complete zero. [SOL - Mike & the bots have their bags packed and on the console] Mike: So that's it - experiment's over?!? Tom: Vacation time! Woohoo! Crow: Kim Cattrall, here I come! [CF - Bobo & Observer are huddled around the screen in the back] Observer: Ooh, "Banana". That's a good one. Bobo: Thanks. It's a personal best! Pearl: CEASE!!! [To Mike] I swear, no one listens to *anything* I say around here! And that includes you three semicephalics! I never said anything about letting you go, Nelson - just that the current deal isn't working. Which means it's time for a *new* approach. [SOL] Tom: A *new* approach? Oh, what, are you going to subject us to bad sitcoms? Reality shows? Infomercials? Crow: Uh, Servo... Tom: Video Games? Children's Books, maybe? *Software Manuals*? Mike: Tom, maybe you... Tom: Graphic Novels? Cubist paintings? Ancient codicils of... Mike & Crow: *TOM!* Tom: Huh? Crow: Servo, you *do* realize who you're talking to?!? Tom: Well, sure, it's - uhm - uh-oh. [CF - Pearl scribbles furiously on a legal pad as Bobo & Observer continue messing around with the PC] Pearl: Hmmm, you've got real evil potential, Servo - that's not a bad list! Well, except the reality show thing - *way* overdone. But I actually had something else in mind. See, instead of sending you up a honking snotfull of badness, like "Armageddon" or some multi-part Mary Sue-infused "Buffy/Harry Potter" saga, I'm gonna try hitting you all in sequence with a quartet of tiny but truly fetid pieces of prose. We'll start with a nigh-incoherent piece of Spam about counting up to doomsday in fours - or sixes - or something like that. [flips page] Let's see, that's followed by a visit from Rob Morris and his All-Star Cavalcade of Unlikely Crossovers! And the others are - ah, but why spoil the surprise? Get ready for a four-part harmony of PAIN!!! BWAHAHAHA- Bobo: Wow! An eight-letter word! And with a gold tile! Observer: Well, "brainpan" is deucedly simple, you know. Pearl: *That's* it! I'm installing HenchmanGuard - *TODAY*! [SOL - Mike is peeling the last sticker off Crow's head net] Crow: Careful, it's hard to find that shade of gold paint. Mike: Well, if you hadn't used Krazy Glue... Crow: Oh sure, blame me for this just because it's *my* fault! Tom: You - you guys don't *really* think she'll make us look at *software manuals*, do you? Mike: I hope not, Tom... [Lights Flash] Mike: But we can't worry about that now... ALL: WE GOT QUADRUPLE EXPERIMENT SIGN!!! AAAAAHHH!!! [As they head back, the last sticker pops off Crow, and Mike goes flying backwards] [6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O [All enter] Crow: You okay? Mike: Oh, nothing a few gallons of Demerol won't fix. >From: HigherDimensions7@hotmail.com (higherdimensions7) Tom: Kltpzyxm! [pause] Blast, it's still here! >Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if Crow: What if there were no alternate histories? >Subject: The FOUR=$=4=Kings, Mike: George Clooney, Markie Mark & Ice Cube are joined by Ashton Kutcher! > coordinates at present time, most plausible clue Crow: Miss Scarlet in the Kitchen with the Lead Pipe. >Date: 24 Jan 2004 16:46:25 -0800 >Organization: http://groups.google.com >Lines: 56 >Message-ID: <9b13abf2.0401241646.3d7274a8@posting.google.com> Mike: I'm sorry, you need *two* forms of ID to post here. >NNTP-Posting-Host: 81.153.41.157 >Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 >Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Tom: Actual content: 2-bit. >X-Trace: posting.google.com 1074991586 15891 127.0.0.1 (25 Jan 2004 00:46:26 GMT) >X-Complaints-To: groups-abuse@google.com >NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 00:46:26 +0000 (UTC) >Path: corp.newsgroups.com!propagator2-maxim!propagator4-maxim! Mike: Maxim has its own newsfeed? Tom: Yeah, you oughta see the sysadmins! Hubba hubba! > news-in-sterling.newsfeed.com! >priapus.visi.com! Crow: *ahem!* Mike: Looks like the Maxim newsfeed did its job. > orange.octanews.net!news.octanews.net! Crow: Spider-Man vs Doc Octanews! This summer! > news-out.visi.com!petbe.visi.com! >newsfeed2.dallas1. Tom: Boy, if we could just wake up and have all this be a dream. Crow: Yeah, but that would entail watching Mike get out of the shower. Tom: But we already have that hidden minicam that... Mike: Huh?!? Crow: Tom! Ix-nay! Tom: Heh! Uh, nothing, Mike. > level3.net!news.level3.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail >Xref: corp soc.history.what-if:30323 >Status: N > >'THE FOUR KINGS' > All: o/` We four kings of internet are Sending spam to newsgroups afar. o/` >There is still a hope for reconciliation, Mike: As long as you balance payments with receivables, sure. > act in time. Crow: One of Keanu Reeve's goals in life. > Try to >outmanoeuvre Tom: Woah! Vowel Barrage! > Lucifer=444. Crow: Marked down from 666. Mike: Man, that little Wal-Mart Smiley Face Guy is *EVERYWHERE*! > Humans are in the image of GOD! > Tom: So God looks like Alyson Hannigan *and* Danny DeVito? How? Mike: It's a theological mystery. > >Life is based on Carbon, Atomic number 6. Crow: Unless you're a Horta. >Carbon electron orbitals can be represented as 222, 444, and 666. Tom: 888 just barely missed the cut. >God dose not play (six sided) dice Crow: God rolls a 20-sider. > versus sheer uncertainty Mike: We demand rigidly defines areas of uncertainty! >and probability principle Tom: By L. Neil Smith. > apply. >English =444, Crow: That's only because the square root of 2 is Prince Andrew. > if the international languages Mike: Love? Crow: Money? Tom: Esperanto? > has letters arranged in >arithmetical series with progressions 6. Mike: Maybe you can enhance the arrangement with, oh, a sconce or a nice swag or something. >Then following message could be decoded: Tom: *Ahem* John has a nice dog. Mary's sister wears a blue dress. The banjo is angry at midnight. >A=6, B=12, C=18 ..........Y=150, Z=156 > Crow: Aw man, I'd love to get a Z-156! They're so cool! >Four=360 (a complete circle around the globe) Mike: Around the world in 444 days! >Four=360=Kings= origin coordinates longitude zero Tom: Hey, he's generating Spam headers. Crow: Increase Your L_0_V_E_L_1_F_E Rotate Irascible Gumshoe 444 >The most plausible French King by inheritance is 'Henry the 8'='666' Tom: [demonic-sounding voice] o/` Oi'm Henry the Eighth Oi Am! Oi'm gonna rip your soul out in bloody bits, Oi am Oi am! o/` Mike: Wasn't Henry the 8th English? Tom: Never stopped Captain Picard. >(8 is H=48). His prodigy would also be Kings, and speak same language. > Crow: French, then? Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. >The four kings Tom: That would be B.B. King... Crow: Larry King... Mike: King Vidor... Tom: And Jack "King" Kirby. > must have been able to rule 4 corners of the earth., >therefore they must be 'The Best' fighting force in the world, [All hum the theme to "The A-Team"] > due to >their High-Tech supremacy, and unprecedented ability to play Mind >Games, Mike: I had a girlfriend like that once. > along with GM & what have you. Tom: Yeah, man! Chevy roolz, Ford droolz! >US($), Canada($), Australia($), Crow: So, to sum up: $. > and UK(Pound for/the ..gers?) Crow: Sure, but - tha hell? Mike: Somewhere, Mavis Beacon just sits on the ground and weeps openly. > ='The >Middle Earth' Tom: Yeah yeah yeah, one ring to rule them all and all that crap. Can we just move along, please!? > 360 or 0 degree Longitude etc. > Crow: One or the other. Whichever. >Kings are suppose to conquer foreign lands. Tom: But they still only move one square at a time. > But only four Kings >together are mentioned, Crow: The others aren't even listed in the IMDb. > so, if Kings strife for more land then nature >may not allow, as there is no mention of fifth King. Mike: I was at a poker game once where someone drew the fifth king. Boy, that got ugly *real* fast! > Stargate type of >code is set. Tom: Not even Teal'c and Colonel O'Neil can tell what this is about. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >------------------------------------------------------------------ > > 'THE COORDINATES' > Mike: [Kirk] SetCOURSE... andenGAGEmisterSULU! >Base numbers 2=two=342= 18 degrees east Crow: So two equals - um, two? Tom: With ya so far. Crow: And two then equals 342? Mike: I'll admit, that part seems unlikely. Crow: Which, in turn, equals 18 degrees? Tom: Oh well, if you gotta convert to metric, all bets are off! > = Buda-pest's (HUNGRY) Tom: No thanks, I just ate. >longitude = Could also mean East / West dividing line Crow: Oh, like Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan had in that movie! > =(Buddha= India= >90-18=72 Degree east?) Crow: A desperate attempt to balance the epistemological equation. Mike: That's what happens when math majors enroll in liberal arts courses. > = this base number 2 is the starting points for >major/final events. > Tom: Do not pass Go. Do not collect $444. >Base number 4=Four=360=0 degree longitude= Mike: Does anyone else see a problem with his equation? Crow: I dunno, maybe he forgot to carry the one. > the Global >enclosure/situation, world history etc, also note 44E is Baghdad's >longitude. > Crow: Not to mention Anna Nicole's cup size! Tom: And, coincidentally enough, her IQ. >Base number 6=six=312= 48 East= Kuwait's Longitude. Mike: Which equals 76 Trombones. Crow: Which equals 101 Dalmatians. Tom: Which equals 99 Red Balloons. > 666 is the number >designated to Beast. >For example Adolf Hitler= Mike: Aaaand according to Godwin, this rant is now over. Tom: Too bad Godwin's not here to enforce that. > 660 short of an A, Tom: He kept telling the teacher that the non-Aryans ate his homework. > but Deutschland=666, and >'Henry the 8'='666'. Crow: Thus making Henry the 8th the first ever French Nazi King of England. > There are few more people=666 from the history >archives Mike: All of them tonight - on "Biography". > who did try to change history in a extremely brutal manner, >and 666 got away with it, Crow: The others would have if not for those meddling kids and their dog. > they were fully protected by Lucifer=444. Tom: Protect your diabolical despot with Lucifer Security Systems! Call 1-800-444-EVIL and ask for Bill Z. Bubb! >Only few fortunate humans should be able to decipher their names. Tom: Can you decipher your name, Mike? Mike: I think it means "Archangel who plays early 90's hair rock". >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Jesus=444=Messiah=Cross=Nuclear=Weapon=444=Lucifer=Gospel=444 > Mike: This is one weird interpretation of the Kabala. Crow: Oh, that wacky Madonna! > Crop circles? > Tom: [Mulder] The truth is out there. Well, kinda. Mike: Okay, one down. Crow: Well, *that's* a cheery thought. -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Wed Jun 16 23:02:23 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n20.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.66.76]) by tanager.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bAN9B67w3NZFmQ0 for ; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:27 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13721-1087441287-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yahoo.com eceived: from [66.218.66.28] by n20.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:27 -0000 X-Sender: stephen@trekiverse.org X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 60831 invoked from network); 17 Jun 2004 03:01:26 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.166) by m22.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:26 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.50) by mta5.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:26 -0000 Received: from sdn-ap-022dcwashp0380.dialsprint.net ([63.191.161.126]) by avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net with smtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Ban9W-0000nU-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:23 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office Message-ID: X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.50 X-eGroups-From: Stephen From: Stephen X-Yahoo-Profile: oldmanasc MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 22:59:59 -0400 Subject: [ASC] NEW - A Grand Slam MiSTing (2/4) (Humor, DS9, TNG, X-Over) Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70 http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/5x3olB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 04:27:43 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) >The Endicott Syndrome (DS9) Mike: o/` I'll never be - like Endicott! o/` >by Rob Morris > Tom: Looks like we're about to Rob Morris to pay Pearl. Crow: Ouch! >As Odo entered Kira's quarters, Crow: He slipped himself under the door. > he saw her motion for him to be quiet. Mike: [Kira] Shhh! "Monk"'s on! >Both O'Brien children were still staying at Nerys's. Tom: Oop, Miles musta missed this month's rent check. > The O'Briens, separated for >almost two weeks by a bizarre twist of time and space Crow: A.K.A. Standard "Trek" plot number 55. > were - busy. Mike: They're catching up on two weeks' worth of Narbonic and Sluggy Freelance. >Kira activated the one-way sound dampeners Tom: It's - THE CONE OF SILENCE! > so that she and Odo could talk without >waking Molly and her little brother. > >"Oh, I love those kids! Mike: [Kira] Especially with that Honey Mustard sauce! > But if Keiko and Miles don't come for them soon, I >swear I'll have them hosed down! Crow: Well, that's one way to rinse off all the apple juice and cake frosting. Mike: Oh, I'm sure the kids aren't that bad. Crow: Huh? Oh - uh, yeah - the, um, the kids. Heh. > The Padre told me that the Klingers are the >same way, back in 1956!" > Tom: And let the crossover action commence - now! Mike: Deep Space Nine and M*A*S*H - it's such a natural, too. >Odo smiled, Tom: Well, he at least rippled his protoplasm. > at the thought of The Priest with the Prophet-awakened ability to >traverse the timestream. Crow: Sam Becket leaps into Father Flanagan!!! > The man's discussion with Odo and the simple faith >possessed by Francis Mulcahy made the burden of Odo's destiny as his people's >savior easier to bear. > Mike: I remember this one - Hawkeye steals a runabout and crashes the Dominion War Peace Conference on Ouijanboo XII. >"Temporal Affairs absolutely hates him! So does the Kai! Tom: So does Rush Limbaugh! And Tom Daschle! And Lisa Kudrow, for some reason! > You know, Nerys, >maybe we should send him after Dukat!" > Crow: Or maybe they should send him after a couple of Whoppers. >Kira's smile faded. > Tom: She wandered out of her cellular coverage area. >"No, Odo, I don't see us doing that. I mean, Dukat would love to get his hands >on a Prophet, wouldn't he?" > Crow: Starfleet posts round-the-clock guards on Elijah and Elisha. >Odo looked confused. > Mike: It's hard to tell, but trust us - he does. >"You mean, get his hands on a host of the Prophets, don't you?" > Crow: Conan O'Brien? >Kira put her head down, Tom: And backed away slowly. > then looked back up to speak. > >"Odo, Father Mulcahy doesn't yet realize it, Mike: [Kira] But he'll never work in TV again. Not that *we* should talk... > but he---kind of IS one of the >Prophets! The being who claimed to be their Father showed me that Prophets >sometimes assume mortal lives. Tom: They enter the Federal Prophet Protection Program. Crow: I hear there's this one former Prophet who's running a hardware store in Tucson now. > The man known as Francis Mulcahy is one of them." > Mike: Plus, Colonel Flagg was a Romulan spy. >Odo shuddered, and instantly his clothes shifted - again - Tom: [Kira] Hey! The restraining order says you can't do that! > to those of the >wartime fatigues once worn by Father Mulcahy. Crow: [Mulcahy] My word, Quark, this jocularity is most unseemly. > Kira looked at him with a >mixture of concern and amusement. > Tom: Plus a heaping dollop of sexual frustration. >"Nice. Wanna Try for Vedek? Mike: Or go for what's behind door number 3? > What did that being show you, in your visions? Tom: Just a guess? The things to be. >They seem to be staying with you, most of anyone." > >"That being? Mike: Or that state of being? Crow: You into Existentialism, Mike. Mike: Nope. Verb. That's what's happening. > Nerys, he all but identified himself as the God that most Terrans >worship! Tom: Wow! He spoke directly to cash? > More, the Prophets seemed to acknowledge him. Crow: [Odo] He gets a 10% cut off the top. > Have you spoken with >anyone about this?" > Mike: Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else feel a bit uneasy about God having a cameo appearance in a Star Trek fanfic? Tom: It sure makes it the crossover to end all crossovers. Crow: Maybe literally! >"Odo, who would I speak with? Tom: [Odo] What about Mel Gibson? > 'Oh, Kai Winn! Guess What? I met a being who may >be the parent to the blessed Prophets.' Crow: [Kira] Plus, I just saved a *bunch* on my runabout insurance with Geico! > I don't even want to think about that >claim, Tom: I mean, the copyright wrangling alone... > let alone what she would do with it, once she heard." > Mike: She'd develop it into a zany new sitcom - "The Major and the Almighty". >Kira's faith had been both joyously fulfilled and badly shaken by the events >in River Bend. Crow: She'd heard about the lonesome loser. Mike: You mean that he's beaten by the Queen of Hearts every time? Crow: Yeah, he's a loser, but he still keeps on trying. > Odo very wisely decided to change the subject. > Tom: [Odo] So, how about those Cardassians, huh? >"In my first vision, I was the Padre. Mike: The *San Diego* Padre. Tom: Odo was batting clean-up for Tony Gwynn. > Pierce and McIntyre had a bizarre scheme Mike: It involved a pocketwatch, five pounds of creamed corn and Frank Burns' footlocker. >to prevent a man named "Painless" from ending his life. Tom: 'Cuz that would bring on many changes. Crow: Eh - I can take or leave them, if I please. > It involved me in a >way I couldn't quite comprehend. Mike: [Odo] And it didn't help that Colonel Blake had Borg implants. > Also, these two looked different from the >Pierce and McIntyre we met. Crow: [Odo] Pierce was all preachy and sensitive and stuff, and McIntyre had a mustache and kept whining about a wife and kid in California. Tom: [Kira] You just got hold of one an episode from their later seasons. > They had a rowdier, harsher edge to them. Mike: The parts of Pierce and McIntyre will be played be Triple-H and the Rock. >That vision was weird enough. In my second, Crow: [Odo] I was Hot Lips that time. Frank asked me to meet him behind the laundry tent and... > I awoke in a large, spacious office, Mike: On BBC-America. >with a man yelling..." > >"Clayton! HEY, Clayton!" > >Clayton Endicott the 3rd awoke from his bizarre dream of being a cop. Crow: On patrol with T.J. Hooker, no doubt. Tom: So now we've moved from Start Trek to M*A*S*H to Benson? Mike: I'll say this for Rob - he's ambitious in his crossoverloading. > Pete was >standing right next to him. > >"Clayton, uh, schedule?" > Tom: Fridays at 8:30, 7:30 Central, on ABC. >Endicott realized he was late putting together the schedule for Governor >Gatling's trip to Greatlink. Mike: Home of the largest chain in whatever state they're in. > He oozed through his entire desk, looking for a >pen. Crow: Ew! Mike: Actually, it sounds kinda like the boss at a temp job I had once. > Absently, he realized that Pete was of a species he had never seen >before. Tom: *gasp* It's the rare and lovely Ethanus Phillipicus! > As he hurriedly attempted to finish the schedule, in walked ever-cocky >Lieutenant Governor Benson Dubois. > Crow: Followed by the entire cast of "Sports Night". >"Clayton, where is that schedule? If the Dominion thinks were showing >disrespect, Mike: Then they ain't seen nothing yet! > they could invade! Generally, that would drive the Governor's >approval rating DOWN!" > Crow: I dunno, didn't seem to hurt Bush. >Now Endicott was confused. Something from his dream leaked through. > Crow: So it's not just a crossover - it's a *dream sequence* crossover. Tom: All we need is self-insertion and slash for a grand slam. Crow: So to speak. Tom: Er, right. >"My people are invading 20th Century Earth?" > Mike: No, just 20th Century Fox. They got a three-picture deal. >Benson looked at him askance. > >"Well, Clayton, I hear that they thought about invading during the >Renaissance, Crow: They're the idealized version of the compleat Renaissance changeling. Tom: Are you sure they're not just a Klingon merchant? Crow: No, they're *not* a Klingon merchant! Mike: The Monty Python Star Trek Renaissance sketch, everyone. > but ol' Billy Shakespeare was all booked up! Crow: He'll be on "Ye Olde Late Shew, with Sir David of Lettermanne". > Pete, go help the >Governor find his tie! Mike: [Benson] And not the one with the hula dancer on it! > While you're at it, help Krause find her BRAIN! Bots: Brains! Argh! Graaar! *slurp* Brains! >Tie first, though. There are, after all, priorities!" > Crow: Like call before you dig... Tom: Caress before you dress... Mike: I before E except after C... >Pete left, to do as he was bid. > Tom: Pete's monitoring e-Bay for those ultra-rare "Soap" Pez dispensers. >"Benson, what species is Pete?" > >"What species? He's A Talaxian!" > Mike: You can tell by his cologne - "Eau de Leola Root". >"Where do Talaxians come from?" > >Dubois patronizingly pulled Endicott's cheek. Somehow, it hurt. > Tom: It hurt like having someone pull on your cheek. >"Nowwww, Clayton! Didn't your mommy tell you where aliens come from?" > Crow: The three-headed Xythanian fire-stork brings them. >"Can the routine! Mike: Put it in Mason Jars! Get ready for a long winter! > Where is he from?" > >"We found him in the Delta Quadrant, Duh!" > Crow: "Duh." Never before has a fanfic summed itself up so succinctly. >"How did we end up in the Delta Quadrant?" > Tom: Doctor Smith sabotaged the Robot and - oh, wait. >Benson moved in for the kill. > Crow: [Steve Irwin] Crikey! This Lieutenant Governor is enraged, mates! Looks like I better dangle me kid in front of 'im to calm 'im down! >"That's easy, Clayton, you were driving!" > Mike: [dully] Ah ha ha. Those wacky "driving changeling" jokes work every time. >DEEP SPACE NINE Tom: Today's sci-fi scores are: Deep Space 9, Babylon 5; Blake's 7, SG 1; and in multiple overtime, Sealab 2021, Space 1999. >"So, Nerys, that's how the whole thing went. I appeared to have no purpose but >to serve as the butt of this man's jokes. Crow: So he was their Mike Nelson? Mike: Hey! > Jokes I always walked into, I might add." > Tom: Oh, he *was* their Mike Nelson. Mike: Is this Demean and Belittle the Jumpsuited Human Day or something? Crow: Oh c'mon, Nelson, lighten up. Tom: Yeah, that's *every day* around here. Mike: Okay then, I just - hey! >Kira had a question. > Mike: [Kira] You know a good plastic surgeon? I'm gettin' wrinkles in my nose wrinkles. >"What about the Dominion?" > Crow: And what about Bob? Mike: And what about Joan? Tom: And what about love? >"Oh, them. Well, we were late, and they did invade, Tom: But they had no exit strategy and it ended badly. > and the Governor's >approval ratings started to dip. Crow: Mmmmm - dip! > But then Benson had the woman Krause pose >as another Alien Queen Mike: [Odo] She attached herself to Sigourney Weaver's face. Tom: Lucky alien queen! > who threatened and tricked the female shapeshifter of >our acquaintance, Tom: Renee Zellweger? > and all was well within 25 minutes, as they agreed to a >treaty against our "common foe". Mike: Namely, Ryan Seacrest. > Then Pete married his wife, >who--discorporated. Tom: Can you show that on prime time TV? Crow: Not on basic cable. Maybe premium or pay-per-view. > Right at the end, the female shapeshifter saw Krause out >of makeup, and got worried, Mike: She wondered if she should switch from Cover Girl to Lancomme, too. > but signed anyway. Very bizarre. Crow: That's one word for it. Tom: [Kira] Okay, that's it - no more anchovy and cayenne pepper protoplasmic pizzas before your nap! > And I haven't >told you the strangest part." > Crow: [Odo] I had a face! A real face! >Nerys couldn't imagine anything more strange, but asked anyway. > >"What's that, Odo?" > Tom: It's a tattoo. Don't ask how he got it. >"Well, the Governor and Benson were running against each other for >re-election. The winner was just about to be announced." > Mike: And they got to sit behind the desk while everyone else had to do a Hoedown with Drew. >Kira nodded. > >"So, who won? Dubois or Gatling?" > >Odo shook his head. > >"I don't know! Tom: [Odo] That's when Katherine Harris showed up and the whole thing just went straight into the crapper! > The being ended the image right then, and it never resumed! Crow: [announcer] Your prophet is experiencing technical difficulties. Please do not adjust your soul. >Nerys, I simply have to know who won! Even talking with Father Mulcahy hasn't >helped rid me of my curiosity on this matter. Tom: [Odo] I may have to talk to Father Dowling! Or even Father Murphy! > What do you think?" > Mike: You - the audience at home? >"I don't know, Odo. Some questions just don't have easy answers. Tom: Like what's the sound of one hand clapping? Mike: Or what's the square root of pi? Crow: Or who exactly is keeping "Joe Millionaire" on the air? > Or, it seems, >any answers at all. 'What If' is a dangerous, wasteful game to play. Tom: Oooh, careful there, colonel - there a couple of newgroups full of folks who might disagree with you there. Crow: Yeah, they'll sic their Alien Space Bats on you! > I mean, >'What If' we had all failed to stop Arne Darvin from killing Kirk? Mike: Well, for one thing, David Gerrold would be out of work now. > 'What If' >that man's famous five-year mission had ended two years early as a result?" > Tom: Think of all the green-skinned space babes who'd have never known that sweet, sweet Shatner Love! >Odo laughed. > Crow: A sound like someone blowing air bubbles into a bottle of dish detergent. >"Ok, so I'm being foolish. But did you have to use such a ridiculous example >as that?" > Mike: [Kira] Okay, what if you had to stop the Nazis by pushing Joan Collins in front of a truck? Tom: [Odo] See? *Much* more believable. >Odo then left, feeling somewhat better. Mike: Sharing his psychotic episodes with his girlfriend always cheered him up. > On his way into Sisko's office, he >passed Worf, Crow: But he still finished second behind Smarty Jones. > who had been royally grilled Tom: Mmmm - fresh grilled Klingon, Memphis style! > over the Tuttle incident, and looked it. > Mike: The "Tuttle" incident? Crow: Yeah, you remember him - Worf had lunch with him just yesterday. >"Ah, Constable! Just the man I wanted to see! Tom: [Sisko] Can I interest you in a "Spencer: For Hire" boxed set? > We'll need extra security, the >next 3 days. Company's coming!" > Mike: "Star Trek: Three's Company"! Crow: Sisko moves in with Dax & Kira and has to pretend he's a Bajoran! And it's wacky! >"I'll do what I can, Captain. What kind of company is expected, if I may ask?" > Mike: Paramount, probably. >"We're going to be receiving a crew for the 2nd Prometheus-class ship ever >built! Tom: [Sisko] I hope they remembered to poke airholes in the crate this time. > My old friend Captain Gatling will be joined by his XO, Commander >Guilliaume, and Science Officer Krause. [silence] Tom: Okay, the dream sequence is one thing, but *this*... > Now, Odo, I'd like your people to >inspect their ship, the W.E.B. Dubois, Crow: Tell me this isn't happening. Mike: It isn't happening. Crow: Liar! > and check for signs... Mike: Such as "Warning. Unstable Crossover ahead." > SISKO TO BASHIR! >Doctor, the Constable has fainted in my office!" > Crow: [Sisko] Bring a medkit! And a roll of Bounty! >"Doctor Bashir is treating some radiation burns, Captain! Crow: Frank Burns is radioactive? Tom: HULK SMASH PUNY FERRET FACE! Mike: And again, you're giving the author ideas. > But I'll be right up!" > >"Are you new here, Doctor?" > Mike: [Doctor] Yeah, and, uh, could you validate my runabout parking? >"Yes, sir! It's an honor to meet you! I'm Doctor Endicott! Mike: Oy! Crow: Why do I have this feeling that any minute, Gul Chester Tate is going to come bursting through the door? > Heh! Some people >seem to think I even resemble your constable!" > Tom: [Endicott] Have you met my uncle, Colonel West? >THE END Crow: But wait! Here comes DeSaad & Captain Sir Edney! Tom: Let's scram before they really do. [All leave] -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? 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Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70 http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/5x3olB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 04:28:07 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) [SOL - Crow & Tom are at the console] Tom: So which do you think would be worse - Jadzia Dax appearing in "Becker" or Ezri Dax waking up in "The Dead Zone"? Crow: Hmm, that's tough. Is a cranky Ted Danson worse than Anthony Michael Hall in full-on Chris Walken mode? Tom: Either way it beats getting eaten by the snake-mayor on "Buffy". Crow: I'm still not sure that's worse than Ted Danson. Tom: Maybe not, but still... Mike: [O.S.] Guys! Guys! I've figured it out!! Tom: Uh-oh. Crow: Sounds like trouble. [Mike rushes onscreen, clutching several pieces of paper. His hair is disheveled and he has a wild look on his face] Mike: Look! See? I've found the cause of all our woes! Tom: Nope, this can't be good. Crow: [whispering] Just humor him till it passes. [To Mike] Okay, Nelson, lay it on us. Mike: Okay okay okay, I was thinking about what that guy said about the numbers and the letters and multiplying by six and all... Tom: Oh brother! Crow: Stay steady, Servo. Mike: ...And I started doing some figuring. Look, look at this - if you spell out "Forrester", and multiply the letter values by 6, you get 744! [pause] Crow: Uh, Mike, I'm not really seeing the point here. Mike: Wait, that's not all - there's three R's, so you reduce their value by three apiece then re-multiply, and you're down to 690! And then you do the same thing to the 2 E's, and re-multiply - YOU GET 6-6-6!!! [another pause] Mike: Don't you guys see! Isn't it *clear*?!? Crow: Um... Mike: And it works! It works for both Pearl and her son! It's the answer! Tom: It's interesting, I'll grant you, but... Mike: But what? Crow: Well, don't take this the wrong way, Mike, but I don't think you're the first guy to come up with this scheme. Mike: Well, yeah, there was the guy in the thing, but I'm positive that - Tom: Actually, Mike, it's been about 20 years ago since someone figured out the whole "Multiply By Six" shtick works on both "KISSINGER" and "COMPUTER". Crow: Yeah, so if you see Henry with an iMac, take cover. Tom: Besides, they got those numbers fairly directly - *you* went around the world and back to get your results. If you diddle around with anything enough, you'll eventually wind up with 666. Mike: You think? Tom: Sure! Look, take the letters in "CROW T ROBOT", get the numbers, divide the two T's and the two R's by half, sextuple it - bam! You get 666! Mike & Crow: Really? Tom: Yep. Mike: Heh. Okay, I guess you guys are right - it *is* kind of silly. Crow: Well, hold on, wait a second there, Mike - what if I *am* the embodiment of all evil? I mean, you heard what Servo said. Mike: Yeah, but we just determined that doesn't work. Tom: No, come to think of it, maybe he's right. I mean, I *am* a pretty good source of information. Mike: Do you *feel* evil, Crow? Crow: Well - I *have* occasionally had the urge to eradicate all that's good and decent and uplifting in the universe. Tom: Ya gotta admit, that's kinda evil. Crow: True. [pause] Oh wait, that was just the one time after I lost to Gypsy at Milles Bornes. Mike: Ooh, yeah, that could explain it. Tom: Anything else? Crow: Wellllll, I do feel like giving the two of you massive wedgies and a great big old wet willy. Tom: Oh ya do, huh? Crow: That's right, fembot! Whattaya gonna do about it! Tome: We'll show you - c'monm we can take you! Mike: Yeah, bring it on, goldie! [Lights flash] Crow: Whoops, it's gonna have to wait, guys - Pearlzabub on line two. [CF - Bobo & Observer are still at the computer] Pearl: Listen up, you yertzes! There ain't nobody - *nobody* around here any eviller than me! You got that?! I am the SUPREME evil in this area! Bobo: What about that nice Dr. Narbon? Pearl: [gritted teeth] What - have I said - about mentioning - THAT NAME?!? Bobo: Oops. Sorry, Lawgiver. Pearl: She thinks she's such a big shot, with her fancy ur-Gerbils and that idiot savant lab boy! Hah! Let's see *her* get away with subjecting someone to a Doc Thinker story *and* a Ratliff story at the same time. Bobo: Okay. But I thought that was supposed to be the big surprise for Mike and the bots. Pearl: It is! And no one better let on to them either, or heads will roll! Observer: [offhandedly] I suspect they already know. Pearl: Huh? Observer: You're still broadcasting, Pearl. Pearl: [Realization dawning] I - they - you - RRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! [SOL] Mike: Doc Thinker? Tom: *And* Stephen Ratliff? Crow: What sin could a bot commit in a single lifetime? Tom: Well, you being the embodiment of pure evil and all... Crow: Aw, I *knew* there'd be a drawback somewhere! [CF] Pearl: Okay, fine, the secret's out! But in this case, knowing is exactly *none* of the battle! In fact, it's - it's less than none of the battle! Knowing just makes it that much worse! Knowing, in fact, piles heaps upon heaps of torment on your heaps and heaps of torment that you've alread- [A vague trumpeting sound comes from the computer] Brain Guy: Oh look! Now they have elephants! Bobo: Yeah. Later on you get hippos and puppies, too. Pearl: What? Bobo: Oh, well since you banned us from playing "Bookworm", Lawgiver, we switched to "Noah's Ark". Observer: Yes, it's such a precious little game, with monkeys and lions and little piggies and so forth. Pearl: Mm-hm. Mike, I'm going to be busy spreading pain and toremnt down here for a bitty bit, so I'd really appreciate it if you could get back in the theater and slowly go mad from sheer torture, 'kay? Thanks. [SOL] [Lights, alarums, etc.] All: AAAHHHH!!! MORE EVIL SIGN!!! [6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O [All enter] Crow: I guess I'm not that evil after all. Tom: Nah. Between Fidel Castro and Jerry Bruckheimer, you're strictly in the minor leagues. >"ARTISTIC LISCENSE" >BY DR. THINKER > Crow: Ahh, *now* we know why he spells the way he does. Mike: He's the Cristo of the literary set. > >What's the heck was going on Mike: Well, there's *something* going on here, but you don't understand it, do you Mr. Jones? > in that CD Comic personal head Tom: I wonder if he's got one of those 56x Read-Write CD drives in his head? Crow: If he's the boss, he probably has a DVD burner too. Mike: Yeah, and his secretary, who does all the work, still has a 5 1/4 inch drive in *her* head. > when that Earthling >hired that glass-wearing geek, Jim Byre? Crow: All his suits are hand-blown. > He changed my friend copycat into a >super wrestler and almost erased my copycat! Tom: Harry Connick Jr. and Sigourney Weaver wish you had. > Lucky, I called in Boss CD Mike: The RIAA? >himself and asked if I can reboot World-1's Powergirl for them. Crow: He said it was up to me, if I didn't mind a few dozen broken bones, plus a sexual harassment lawsuit. > I'm been asking >day every since my fiction-copycat Tom: As opposed to his non-fiction-copycat. > got blasted into so-much fish chow Mike: Hey, Aquaman's gotta eat, too. > by that >crazy Evil Overseer in "Trouble In Unlimited Worlds". Tom: Oooh, subtle. Crow: Yeah, like a flamethrower in a coal mine. > The boss-person of CD >told me to "Make your day, punkette" Crow: Pink must be doing the soundtrack. > that was spoken like Clint Eastwood. Mike: [Clint] You know, in all the confusion, I don't recall if I mangled six sentences - or just five. >I'm been working a good new origin for Powergirl. Tom: [Doc] One that includes her new boyfriend, a spelling-challenged yet virile fanficion writer. > He didn't mind the job I give him >and in also connects back to Tara's past as a secret weapon. > Tom: That must have been before Buffy and Willow joined the Justice League. Mike: Uh-oh. Crow: Yeah, I felt it too. Tom: What? Mike: I think you just gave Rob another crossover idea. >And speaking of origins, Kal-El has been on my case Tom: He was assigned to it by the Public Defenders office. > after since he discovered >that my rocket ship had no smashed Kryptonian engine. Crow: It's interstellar insurance fraud! > I'm a bit shocked when he >told this. I better tell him my real origin Tom: Turns out she's *not* a street kid from Kandor's gritty inner city - just a spoiled upper-middle-class wannabe poseur from suburban Kryptonopolis. > before he's gets thinking that I'm >a Phantom Zoner, which I'm not! The > Crow: "The"? Mike: Apparently so, yes. Tom: So just "The"? No "And" or "To" or even a "Delores"? Mike: Nope, just "The". Crow: Doc's going minimalist on us. >####################################################################### > >I really hate this stuff. Mike: Yecch! Broccoli souffle! > It's seems like Superman is a middle of a battle >against that backward bozo, Crow: Ozob? > Bizzaro. I'm hate to this to Bizzaro, but I'm >really in a bad mood Tom: Join the club, whoever you are. > and love to take it out on that sob Crow: Oh, there's no need to burst into tears about it. > from Htrae. > Tom: Bizarro is from Wales? Who knew? >I dived underground and give Bizzaro's legs shake and toss upwards. Mike: I just don't get kids these days and their little dances. > I saw >Superman's face with X-ray vision Crow: So not so much his face, then, as his skull. > that he got a shock look at this face. I come >up from under dressed in a new outfit, a purple blouse and skirt. Tom: Public reaction to Green Lantern's new outfit is mixed. > The blouse >still wearing the famous S-shield, about as large as Superman's S-shield. Mike: Yeah, you wish. > >I added the copy of my first red boots. > Tom: o/` These boots are made for flyn', and that's just what they'll do o/` >"Kara? Looks like you going for tried and true, Crow: Yeah, well she considered the hastily planned and patently false, but it just wasn't workable. > but what's with the purple >color for your tights." Kal-El states. > Mike: [Kara] I thought you knew - I'm Prince's new squeeze. >"Getting a little to many female Superman remarks." I replied. > Tom: [Superman] Geez, show up for the JLA meeting in Lois's lavender chiffon dress *one lousy time*, and Batman never lets you forget! >"And you going to more remark with that outfit, Kara." Mike: [announcer] Yes, this outfit will send you on a fabulous three-day, four night vacation to the island paradise of Moreremark! > Kal-El replied. > >I rolled my eyes at Kal-El. Crow: Come on, baby needs a new pair of tights! > "Well, Kal-El. Tom: Well, Kal-El, what the hell. Crow: Is Kal-El gellin'? Mike: He's gellin' like a felon! > It's high time that I'm come clean." > Mike: Supergirl takes a bath every Saturday, whether she needs to or not. >"Clean? Don't tell you where a Phantom Zoner." Superman remarked. > Crow: Where a Phantom Zoner *what*? Tom: Where they hide their money. It's not a pretty sight. >"I'm not. Remember the origin I told you?" I asked > Tom: [Superman] Yeah, that Parker kid who got bit by a spider or something? Boy, how wacky can you get? >"If I remember it, not too sure, no thanks to all those Kryptonite pieces I'm >been exposed to! Mike: Kryptonite causes memory loss? Crow: That's how they're able to keep revising his origin every five years. > By sheer luck, a dome city of Krypton got launch out of space >with Anti-Kryptonite, Crow: [Scotty] Ach, Cap'n, the Kryptonite/Anti-Kryptonite injectors're all fused! > the Kryptonians who covered it with lead sheet. Mike: Tragically, they forgot about this when they put it in the microwave. Tom: Ouch. > You were >born on that piece until you reach Kryptonian adulthood, Crow: That's one helluva long labor! > when a meteor shower >broke the dome and lead sheet. Tom: Boy, where's Bruce Willis & Ben Affleck when you *really* need them? > Your father, Zor-El built a rocket Mike: [Superman] And never paid my dad any royalties on it! Tom: [Kara] Your dad is dead, Kal. Mike: [Superman] And there you go, bringing up old stuff again! > and your >mother, Allura, Tom: Course, her *real* name was Maxine Kryptonowski - "Allura" was just her stage name. > created your first costume. Crow: [Superman] That vinyl French Maid's oufit - yowza. > Then you come to Earth in Zor-El's >rocket ship." Kal-El stated clearly. > Crow: "Clearly"? Mike: Don't knock it - for the Doc, that was almost the Queen's English. >"I got two worlds for you." I stated. > Crow: Vulcan and Aldeberon. >"Don't tell? Tom: Don't ask. > Artistic License?" asked Kal-El. > Mike: I'm pretty sure the Doc's had his suspended a couple of times. >"In a way, yeah." I replied. "I'm was the engine." > Crow: She's the Little Supergirl Who Could. >"But, how?" asked Kal-El. > >"It's all started many years back on Krypton. Tom: Back when life was giddy and carefree. > Thought my given name was Kara, >my last name was Vur-Geri. Crow: [Kara] And my middle name was "Wilhelmina". > I was a great scientist, a writer, and an actor back >on Krypton. Mike: [Kara] Also, I was a ballerina, a nurse, a major-league pitcher and a princess. Plus, I raised ponies. > I created a time machine. Tom: [Kara] I called it a "clock". > I tested the time machine by sending >myself it 200,000,000,000,0000 year of exist and discover that I was on the >pushed moon by some of explosion of some kind." > Mike: Sadly, she discovered too late that time travel really does a number on the brain's speech centers. >"Great Scott! Tom: Hmm. For some reason, I feel like throwing toilet paper right now. Crow: It'll pass. Just get your toast and water pistol ready. > Krypton exploded short of 100,000,000,000,000 year!" Superman >stated. > Crow: A hundred trillion years ago? Boy, Supes is a heckuva lot older than he looks. Mike: He moisturizes. >Just then Bizzaro got back up Tom: You're never gonna keep him down. > and we had to finished things with him. Mike: What kind of things? Tom: Tea time, macrame, a panel discussion... Crow: You know - *things*! >I'm thinking he still hurting from that hit that I give him. > Crow: Yikes! Supergirl's not afraid to fight dirty. >############################################################### > >It looked a few days. Tom: And in one proto-sentence, the Doc manages to reduce the entire space-time continuum to chaos. > We both had events to appear at for both of our >identities. Crow: [Kara] Superman was the center square on "Hollywood Squares" and I cut the ribbon to open a brand new Krogers in Delaware. > Lucky, we got a break on Saturday. I called "Clark" at "Daily >Planet" Mike: We decided to meet at "Bar" for "Drink". > I told him I meet him in his fortress. > Crow: The one around his heart? Tom: Yeah, he encircled her with trenches and barbed wire. >I saw him just as he lifted up the fake airplane direction marker Tom: Made for guiding fake airplanes. > that also >functions as a Superman's key. Crow: Sure, it was difficult to scratch his ear with it, but hey - he's Superman! > I had programmed a Krypton disk, Mike: Terry Pratchett's Seigel & Shuster's "Krypton Diskworld". > which contained >a journal (in Kryptonese); my opinions on friends, other superheroes, and of >course, villains; Tom: She's the Joan Rivers of the Superhero set. > and well as my real origin as filmed by Batman and me. > Crow: Batman *filmed* her diary? Mike: Is the world ready for the directorial debut of Adam West? Tom: Hey, as long as it doesn't star Faye Dunaway as the villain, I'm happy. >From the desk, Tom: [announcer] The DC Comics Newsdesk at WGBS! > he learned that I landed an uninhabited yellow sun planet that >had low gravity. Mike: She landed without clearance, too. Crow: And boy, was the Kryptonian Aviation Authority upset! > There I discover a Kryptonese book. Mike: "The Phantom Zone for Dummies". > I turned on one of the >pages and discover it was Kryptonian computer book Tom: Oooh, a ThinkPad! Sweet! > that contained Krypton's >history, some of those events I didn't know happens. Crow: There was a whole section on the election dispute between Jorj-Dub, Al-Gor and Naid-Er. > These computer books were >also a health book Mike: Kryptonite's low-fat, but really high in carbs. > and had opinion on what powers Kryptonians may get from a >yellow sun and had low gravity: Tom: Turns out the only thing it does for them is help eliminate unsightly underarm stains. > Super-strength, Super-speed, Super-breath, Mike: Super-toenails. Tom: Super-snoring. Crow: Super-third nipple. >flying, heat-vision, microscopic-vision, Crow: [Bush41] It's - it's the vision thing, there. > super-hearing, and X-ray vision. > Mike: Ironically, though, he has to stand behind a lead shield to use it. >He also discover that send a while in space, learning how to used my powers, Tom: But not the rules of grammar. >and building my fake rocket ship after using X-ray vision and super-hearing to >hear Superman tell his origin to the Justice League of America. Mike: By an odd coincidence, this is how Barbra Streisand got started, too. > I heard rumors >from friendly aliens that might be a planet with a huge library that keeps tabs >on every planet history. Crow: The planet of Shhhhhh! > I learned that Kal-El. I used my rocket to go to Oryu, Tom: o/` Oryu is, or oryu ain't my baby? o/` >which turns out to a planet of purple and pink libraries. Crow: Ruled over by its cruel but fair leader, Jessnevins. > Using their Earth >history and Krypton history, Tom: [Kara] I filled my electives and qualified for a degree. > I discover Kal-El's father, Jor-El, had a brother >Zor-El, Crow: He also had a brother named Dar-El. And another brother named Dar-El. > but was killed in the explosion of Krypton. Mike: Why don't they look? > Using him and making up >fiction mother, Allura, Tom: Who ran Krypton's biggest pay-per-view Webcam site. > and come up with a idea that would bring a Mac-truck Crow: Which is far easier to use than a PC truck. Tom: Aaaah, it may come in lots of pretty colors, but they all have the same lousy engine. >of the shape-ship kind because of a plot hole. Tom: Really? Mike: Well, why not? I'm sure the Doc keeps a huge supply on hand. Tom: Yeah, well, he ain't the only one. Crow: I hear Tom Clancy has a whole warehouse of them stashed away. > After watching this part, he reason >that he didn't recognize where the plot holes where, Crow: He fell through one and wound up in a Babylon-5/Angel crossover. > because when he first >claimed to be a cousin of him, Mike: You'd think anyone claiming to be a cousin of themselves could be easily debunked. > he was overcome with super-size amount of joy. Crow: He got the Extra-Large fries and drink for only 39 cents more. >His super-size joy ended around the time of those eerie sand ghost events Tom: There's nothing worse than a grumpy ghost with sand stuck in his ectoplasm. >where is power also when down to the third, Mike: Doc Thinker's third down and 10 on Supergirl's 40 yard line! > and I'm suffering from a lost of power in >times of need. Bots: [Tim Allen] MORE POWER!! Arh arh arh! > I feel sorry for my comic twin. Crow: The part of Superman will be played by Jerry Seinfeld. Appropriately enough. > I know I'm going to get an odd >remark soon from him...and I got it. > Tom: [Superman] Kara, you ever wonder what Tungsten tastes like? >"Why didn't you tell me...SOONER?" Kal-El asked. > Tom: [Supergirl] Because then I wouldn't have been able to tell you... NOW! >"Three words, Kal-El -- Mike: Zero Percent Financing! > The Major Crisis." I answered. > >"That?" Superman remarked. "And what else?" > Crow: [Crow] I was kinda distracted by the "American Idol" finals. >"The Legion's Brainic 5's death hurt me as well." Supergirl remarked. "I guess >we still haven't got over crushing on each other yet." > Tom: Well, *you* haven't. If he's dead, I'm pretty sure he's over it. Mike: Of course, this *is* comic book land. Tom: Oh yeah. He's probably already alive and well and crushing again. >What's that, I saw a note. Mike: It was E-flat above High-C. > It was written by latest leader of the Legion of >Superheroes, Tom: Off-Screen Exposition Lad! > it told me that Brainic 5 was used as a Time Trapper plot. Crow: Then they used him as a very special plot on "Gilmore Girls". > They >also told me Brainic 5 is back Mike: And this time it's personal! Tom: At least until he dies. Again. > and he a still bit worry about if there is going >to another CRISIS in the future. > Crow: Will there be a CRISIS in the future? Page 204. >"That's given me a warm-feeling right in." I stated pointing to my heart. > Tom: [Superman] You forgot to take your Corgard again, didn't you? Crow: [Kara] Hey, it's under control! I'm perfectly fi-URK! *thud* >##################################################################### > >It's seems that Joker come to Tee-Tea City, Texas [Bots giggle uncontrollably] > to do two things > Tom: *snerk* Well, given the name, it's probably not number two. >-- To avoid what he calls "Bat-Brain". - To make a crime wave that would make >unstoppable. > Mike: Oh, and he also heard about their terrific discount for mass murdering psychopaths at the local IHOP. >He made on same error. Crow: He bobbled the throw from third and let Green Arrow score the winning run. > He doesn't know that I made that my new home. Tom: Metropolis? Gotham? New York? Never mind those - all the *real* crime- fighting action's in Tee-Tea City, Texas! > Joker and >his crook thugs were send up the creek with out a paddle! > Crow: They were at the end of their rope and under the gun. Mike: Which made them madder than a wet hen and fit to be tied. Tom: So they had to bite the bullet and get out of Dodge! >What's with Batman's villains going to Tee-Tea City? Mike: Just offhand, I'm guessing maybe Evil Diuretics? > Thinking they can get away >with a crime. They are more out of mind that Bizzaro could be. > Tom: Which would make Bizzaro - what, then, sane or something? Crow: Don't try that route, Tommy -you'll just hurt yourself. >High-tech blaster. Crow: Two parts gin, one part vodka, pour over your PDA. > Coluain gears. Mike: [British] It's all fab and gear and stuff like that, lads! > Brainic is up to something. Looks like it's >high time for Linda Lee Danvers to change into > Tom: Something more comfortable, perhaps? > >SUPERGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > All: GYAH!! Crow: She has super exclamation power! >################THE END############################################## > Tom: And Super Pound Sign vision, to boot. > >This story is (c)copyrighted 2002 by Dr. Thinker. Mike: Ah, this must Dr. Thinker's Lost Classic! > Supergirl is (c)copyright 1959 by >DC Comics. Crow: Well, one of them is. Take your pick, y'know? > Superman is (c)copyright 1939 by DC Comics. > Tom: Techinically, he was copyright by National Periodicals Publications, which became DC Comics. Mike: I see. Tom: Actually, he's owned by Warner Publishing, which is a divsion of Warner Communications. Crow: Great. Tom: Which in turn is owned by AOL-Time-Warner. Mike: Uh-huh. Is there a point to this? Tom: Well... [pause] Does there *have* to be? Mike: Apparently not. -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Wed Jun 16 23:02:23 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n50.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.67.38]) by penguin (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bAN9T7FB3NZFl42 for ; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:45 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13723-1087441305-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yahoo.com Received: from [66.218.66.94] by n4.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 27 Jun 2004 20:27:05 -0000 X-Sender: asc-l@ix.netcom.com X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 61470 invoked from network); 27 Jun 2004 20:27:04 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.167) by m1.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 27 Jun 2004 20:27:04 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO harrier.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.12) by mta6.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 27 Jun 2004 20:27:04 -0000 Received: from h-66-167-46-192.phlapafg.dynamic.covad.net ([66.167.46.192] helo=localhost) by harrier.mail.pas.earthlink.net with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1BegEu-0000iw-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Sun, 27 Jun 2004 13:27:00 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Trekiverse Message-ID: <5gbud0lsolj3bk7ckd9opmsi2srfof8cmg@4ax.com> X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.9/32.560 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.12 From: ASC* Archive Team MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Sun, 27 Jun 2004 16:28:58 -0400 Subject: [ASC] NEW/REP - A Grand Slam MiSTing (4/4) (Humor, DS9, TNG, X-Over) Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 Make a clean sweep of pop-up ads. Yahoo! Companion Toolbar. Now with Pop-Up Blocker. Get it for free! http://us.click.yahoo.com/L5YrjA/eSIIAA/yQLSAA/5x3olB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> On Thu, 24 Jun 2004 04:44:40 GMT, in alt.startrek.creative, billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) wrote: I've been told by reliable sources that part 4 of this never made it to ASC, so for the benefit of those who were wondering about it - here it is: ============================================================================ >From: Stephen Ratliff All: Hi, Stephen! >Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative >Subject: NEW OCC Tom: You down with OCC? Crow: Yeah, you know me. > Oklahoma Command 1/1 [G] >Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office >Message-ID: <3lfj10djett9uqn24rur5244fv3gvmtk25@4ax.com> >X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 Mike: The tale of Ali Baba and the Forty Agents. Tom: Nah, that'd be in the X-Files fanfic group. >MIME-Version: 1.0 >Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii >Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit >Lines: 156 Tom: Pretty low resolution. >Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2004 02:19:33 GMT >NNTP-Posting-Host: 63.188.160.195 >X-Complaints-To: abuse@earthlink.net >X-Trace: newsread3.news.atl.earthlink.net 1075429173 63.188.160.195 >(Thu, 29 Jan 2004 18:19:33 PST) Mike: Pst! Hey buddy! C'mere! Wanna buy some Star Trek fanfic? >NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 18:19:33 PST >Path: corp.newsgroups.com!propagator2-maxim!news-in.superfeed.net!pd7cy1no! >shaw.ca!border1.nntp.ash.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!news.maxwell.syr.edu! >elnk-pas-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net! >stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!newsread3.news.atl.earthlink.net.POSTED!31600fab! Tom: Oh Fab! We're glad! There's lemon-freshened Borax (c) in you! >not-for-mail >Xref: corp alt.startrek.creative:2140 >Status: O > Crow: As in "Oh dear Lord, not another one!" >Title: Oklahoma Command Tom: Wind - come sweeping down the plains! Make it so! >Author: Stephen Ratliff Crow: Finally, a return to sanity. [pause] Crow: I didn't *really* just say that, did I? Tom: Sweet Baby Torgo, what's happened to our value system? Mike: We got hit with 444, Benson in Space, and Tee-Tea City. >Series: OCC, Mike: Ah, it's a crossover with that hip new series on Fox. > USS Oklahoma >Rating: [G] Crow: Whew!! No skinny dipping Marrissa this time around! >Part: 1/1 >Summary: The tale of two Captains as they approach their new command. > Mike: The captains are now 1250 meters away. The captains are now 1225 meters away. The captains are now 1210 meters away - but they've stopped to let one of them tie his shoe. The captains are now 1180 meters away... > >Star Fleet is a large organization, Tom: One whose mission statement includes a quality approach to customer- oriented impacts. > but it has only one job, Crow: Oddly enough, that job is door repairman. > one post, which >captures the imagination. Tom: And won't let it go - ever. Mike: But enough about Rick Berman. > Commanding, USS Enterprise, USS Voyager, USS >Infinity, USS Excelsior, USS Excaliber, it matters not the name of the ship, Crow: Although the captains of the USS Titanic and the USS Lusitania were somewhat bummed out. >though some are more sought after than others, it is the adventures of those who >climb to the heights of Starship Command Tom: Ship climbing, my friends - ship climbing. > that we lust after. Crow: That and the adventures of those who climb into a shuttlecraft full of nubile Starfleet Academy co-eds. Tom: *bwow-chicka-bwow-BWOW* > Occasionally >another job will catch our attention, Crow: Which is how Mike wound up here. Mike: Thanks for poking my still-bleeding wound there, Crow. Crow: Anytime. > but we all want to sit in the center of a >starship's bridge. > Tom: Because there's an awesome WiFi bleedover spot there. >Nearly every day in the Federation, someone is probably taking command of a >starship. Crow: Hey Roy, it's Bubba. I can't make in to the Gas'n'Munch today, I gotta go take command of a starship. > It may be for the first time, or it may be moving up to a better >command. Tom: Or it just may be a recalcitrant Admiral who got busted in rank after stealing his old ship for a personal vendetta and getting it blown up. > They are the lucky ones, the ones who have the chance to inspire us >through their adventures and explorations. Mike: The ones approved by central casting. Crow: Yet Bakula slipped through. Mike: Well, no system's perfect. > The moments before they take command >are ones that we gloss over. Crow: Mainly because they're really *boring* moments. > We want to be boldly going where no one has gone >before. Mike: Sheboygan! > We don't think of what might be going through those minds, petty or grand. Tom: That's because we have - what is they're called? Crow: Lives. Tom: Yeah, those. >Those moments are here. We present two Captains on the day they take command of >the USS Oklahoma. > Mike: Can two divorced captains share command of a starship without driving each other crazy? [Tom & Crow hum theme to "The Odd Couple"] >* * * * * > >The Oklahoma's Third Commanding Officer: Crow: What happened to the first two? Mike: Shh! People who ask questions like that don't last long in Starfleet! >Captain Ghazi Fahim (cmdg. 2363-2371) Tom: Well, I say ghazi for him, too. > > >Captain Ghazi Fahim was in a shuttle approaching his new command. Mike: No matter how much he begged and pleaded, they wouldn't let him out. > It was an >Ambassador Class Starship, the Oklahoma. That had not been what he'd expected. Bots: NO ONE EXPECTS THE OKLAHOMA STARSHIP!!!! >It was his third command. Crow: His first two had been "Roll Over" and "Shake". > He'd commanded the Frigate Bahamut Tom: o/` Who let da dogs out? Hoo! Hoohoohoo! o/` > for his first >command. It was small, but that was expected in a first command. Mike: Yeah, I mean it's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of captains get small commands from time to time. Crow: Sure, it's just performance anxiety. > After five >years, he'd been promoted to command an Excelsior, Tom: So face front, true believers! > the Vigorous. He'd met his >wife there, Crow: Well, one of 'em - he couldn't remember which. > and his daughter had been born on board Mike: Where she was immediately given the rank of acting ensign. > as the ship had patrolled >the far reaches of Federation Space. And now after eighteen years as Captain, >Star Fleet had given him an Ambassador. > Tom: It's a nice gesture, but Sarek clashes with the rest of his decor. >It was not fair. > Mike: It's partly cloudy, with a chance of scattered thunderstorms by Friday. >He had worked hard. Tom: Or had he hardly worked? > His ships had survived and returned to port every time. Crow: Well, okay, *one* time everybody got killed, but otherwise... >Fahim was a soldier, Tom: And Hooker was a good cop. > ready, willing, and able. > >It was not fair. > Crow: It was actually "State Fair", starring Pat Boone! >He'd shown his diplomatic skills, Mike: He'd locked more people in rooms than Carter has little liver pills. > aided in the discovery of several scientific >finds, Tom: [Fahim] Hey, Oppenheimer, your car keys are right here on the bookcase! > and even suffered through shuttling notable duties. Crow: Ghazi Fahim - starship captain, diplomat, soccer mom! > Fahim could be what >they needed. > Mike: He could be a dentist, a gardener, a French maid, a drummer, a fry cook, a double-aught agent... Crow: Fazim's the Sydney Bristol of Starfleet. Except he doesn't look as hot in a pink vinyl minidress. >It was not fair. > Tom: And here comes Ratliff out to argue with the Ump. >He had a family, a daughter, and a wife. Crow: And a second cousin. Tom: And a goldfish. Mike: And a guy in Cleveland he owed $800 to. > He deserved more than this Ambassador, >this second rate ship of the line. > Crow: You wouldn't say that if Diane Carey was here, man! >It was not fair. > Mike: As previously indicated. >He'd applied for better, Tom: Or for worse. Crow: For richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, in syndication or on UPN. > and had recommendations from all his former Commanding >Officers, Tom: They'd say *anything* to get this guy out of their hair. > but he hadn't gotten the ship. He hadn't gotten the one command that >really mattered, Mike: "Climb Mt. Niitaka"? > the one ship that while you're in that center seat you can do >things. > Crow: In the center seat of other ships, you can do nothing. Mike: Really? Crow: Sad but true. >It was not fair. > Tom: Yeah, life's not fair, pal, wear a helmet. >They'd given it to a Captain with twenty-five years seniority. Mike: Giving a ship to a captain with a quarter-century experience instead of a brash young risk-taker? Boy, what was Starfleet thinking?!? > A Captain who >wasn't worthy of the Galaxy Class Starship. A Captain who had lost his first >and only command. > Crow: He'd even checked behind the couch. No dice. >It was not fair. > All: Fair is foul, and foul is fair. Hover through the Trek and Starfleet air! >The ship was to have families on board, lots of them. Tom: Set sail aboard the U.S.S. Dysfunction! > His wife thought it would >be good for his young daughter. Mike: To command? Crow: Well, it *is* a Ratliff story. Mike: Point. > Fahim wasn't sure, but the ship should have >gone to someone with a family, Crow: Like the Gambinos, or the Tattaglias. > who knew what families were like. Tom: Someone broken and bitter, with no joy in life to speak of. >Not a confirmed bachelor who practically married his ship. > Mike: He and the ship should've just entered a civil union. >It was not fair. > Tom: I think I sense a theme here. >He had everything they said they wanted, everything they asked for. Crow: He even had the leather seats and the 4.8 Hemi. >Multiple commands, Mike: Multiple personalities. > diplomatic experience, Crow: He'd read Henry Kissinger's biography. > and even a family, Mike: Standard Starfleet issue. > and the man who had gotten >it had none of that, really. > Tom: Gee, was that fair? >It was not fair. > Tom: I didn't think so. >Ghazi Fahim deserved the USS Enterprise, Crow: But Marrissa got there first, so - sorry. > not Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the stuck >up Frenchman. > Tom: Jean-Luc Picard, funny or not funny floating. Crow: Oh, extremely funny. Mike: How so? Crow: Um, well... Tom: You kinda had to be there, Mike. >* * * * * > >The Oklahoma's Fourth Commanding Officer: Mike: Someone a little bit less whiny, I hope. >Captain Shawneela Osanna Crow: Oh, don't you cry for me. Tom: He'll come from Alabama with a banjo on his knee. > (cmdg. 2371-) > > >Shawneela Osanna was in a shuttle pod approaching the USS Oklahoma. Tom: It was not fai- oh wait, we're done with that. > An >Ambassador Class Starship, the predecessor class of the Galaxies, she didn't >know why she rated such a ship for her first command. Crow: Though she suspected the massive bribes had something to do with it. > Most Captains got >frigates, Mike: Just put on a light sweater, then. > your Constellations, Tom: Like Marrissus Major, or Jeriryanex Doubledeeus. > Intrepids, Crow: All of which are immediately eaten by giant space ameobas. > Mirandas, Mike: And Carries and Samanthas and Charlottes. > and Oberths, Tom: Jawohl, Colonel Klink! > for their first >commands. Having served five years as First Officer of the Galaxy, Crow: Wow, I've heard of being Officer of the Day, but I gotta admit, *that's* pretty darn impressive! > and having >been Second Officer of the same ship before that, Mike: And before that, she was assistant to Isaac the Bartender. > she supposed that the >Admiralty expected her to be more used to a larger ship command than one of >those small ones. She certainly didn't rate a Galaxy. > Crow: But if she had, she'd have given the Milky Way a 97, Andromeda a 91, and the Lesser Magellenic a 78. Mike: Ouch! Crow: The Lesser Magellenic didn't keep its fridge below 40 degrees. >Osanna knew she had been rather highly rated by her Captain and his Commanding >Officer. Tom: Which didn't stop the Donald from firing her lying hinder. > While she didn't like to read too deeply into her evaluations, she did >read them. Mike: Mainly, she read the short words. Then she doodled little hearts and flowers all over them. > She and her former Captain had been a good Command Team, leading the >Galaxy to a solid record of successes during her five years as First Officer. > Crow: Until they lost to Auburn 35-14 in the Peach Bowl. >Ossana didn't see herself as something special. There were other First Officers >rated as well or better than she was that she knew. Tom: But she was smart enough to clam up about this during pay raise time. > None of them had been woken >up late at night and offered command of an Ambassador Class Starship. Crow: Or at least none of them would admit it. > Especially >not one where they had just forty hours to report to. > Mike: First one to the bridge wins! >Osanna wasn't sure how she should handle her command. She'd heard that her >predecessor had run the Oklahoma on a very strict line, insisting on perfection. All: It wasn't fair. >Considering that he'd been promoted to Admiral for it, Crow: Really? Huh. Tom: I guess incessant self-pity scores you points in Starfleet. > and her ship was used to >it, continuing that trend wouldn't be too bad of an idea. Mike: [Osanna] Memo to self - continue being perfect. > She wasn't bringing a >single new officer with her to the Oklahoma. Tom: They were all married. > Her command staff would be the >same as Fahim's had been. > Crow: Dangerously incompetent. >There was a problem with being the strict distant Captain. Mike: You can't really enjoy the crew's terror that way. > It contrasted and >conflicted with Osanna's empathic and telepathic talents. Crow: She could no longer state the obvious with impunity. > She had great control >over her telepathic talents, Tom: She could bend spoons all day long and not break a sweat. > but her empathic talents tended to reach out and >let her know about a person's feelings when she least wanted to. Crow: Yeah, like during annual crew performance reviews. Mike: Which explains why no one else on board ranks above ensign. > Some of >Osanna's friends at the Academy had thought that would make it essential for her >to be that distant commander. Mike: I dunno, these long distance commands seem so impersonal. Tom: Yeah, she lives in Manhattan, the ship patrols the Delta Quadrant, and they just meet at Rigel on the weekends. Hardly feels worth it. > Osanna knew better. She needed a sense of her >ship, the community that she had to take charge of. > Crow: She's running for ship's mayor? >Community, that's what she had to get into, Tom: Her mind, that's what she's going out of. > be a part of, to make her command >work. While it wasn't a Galaxy, Mike: Despite its spiral arms and hot, radioactive center. > the Oklahoma was a family-enabled ship, and >that gave her some ideas. Tom: Dark, disturbing ideas that would haunt her dreams for years to come. > She wanted her crew to see her as approachable, >likeable, Crow: Alluring, even. > yet in charge and commanding. > Mike: She's strong enough for a Galaxy, yet made for an Ambassador. >Osanna had no idea how she was going to do that. Tom: But she had a suspicion it would involve phasers. Lots and lots of phasers. > Family-enabled wasn't the same >as the Galaxy-Classes' family-designated status. The little data she had Crow: She had a little Data?!? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Tom: I can see the Federation Enquirer headlines now - "Starship Captain Shinola Hosannah Caught in Brent Spiner Love Nest!" > said >there were only a dozen children on the Oklahoma, compared to the three score on >the Galaxy. Mike: Why, that's barely enough to seize the bridge and impose their iron rule! > She had to build up trust, Tom: Invest wisely, maybe diversify into municipal bonds. > not just in her immediate staff, but >among her crew as well. Crow: [Osanna] Go ahead, fall backwards. I'll catch you. Really! > Those dozen children where as good a place to start as any, Tom: They're so much easier to corrupt, to mold into her minions! >if she wanted to seem approachable, Osanna thought. > Crow: The "SCRAM YOU BUMS" sign outside her ready room wasn't doing the trick. >As the shuttle settled on the deck of the shuttle bay, Osanna drew her thoughts >together. Tom: [Osanna] Okay, stay together, cheeks! > She reminded herself that it wasn't going to be an easy job, but she >had accepted it. Mike: [Osanna] Cripes, what the hell was *I* thinking?!? > It was time to take command, to sit in that center seat by her >own right. > Crow: [Osanna] OK boys & girls, let's take this puppy out for a spin and see if we can break that ol' Warp 10 barrier. But first, a quick side trip to Planet Chippendale! >* * * * * > >The two tone welcome rang out, Mike: Brown and beige? Tom: Nah, more of an ochre and umber. > and a new Captain stepped out of their shuttle to >take command of a Federation Starship. Mike: Hi, I'm Kathryn Janeway. Bots: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! > It was a new beginning. It might end as >a legend, tragedy, or triumph. Crow: Just so long as it ends, we don't bloody care. > Today it was impossible to tell. Tom: And tomorrow ain't lookin' so hot, neither. > Time would >tell that story, and history would record it. >-- Mike: And Rick Berman would screw up the concept. >Stephen Ratliff > >"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco. Crow: So all that leaves is chocolates, fast cars and faster wimmin. All: WOOHOO!! > Writing is far and away >the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf > Tom: And that includes the caffeinated tobaccojuana plants of Methadone V. Mike: Hey! Was that all four of them? Crow: I think so, yeah. Tom: Well don't just stand there yammering about it - scram, before she ups the ante! [All leave] O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6] [SOL - Mike is at the console reading a copy of "Horatio Hornblower". Or at least trying to, as Crow yammers on.] Crow: And after Figueroa Fontana came Karen Sykes, the current captain of the USS Bonhomme Richard . Mike: Uh-huh. Crow: Now the U.S.S. Oregon has had 5 captains. The first was Juan Cabrerro, who served... Mike: Crow - I think it's nice that you've taken the time to document the command history of every single vessel in Starfleet - Crow: Thank you. Mike: But you've obviously mistaken me for someone who's even *remotely* interested in it. Crow: But Mike, what's the point of there even *being* a Starfleet if one can't obsess over its fictionalized, non-canonical minutia? Mike: I'm just saying it's not my cup of Earl Grey, is all. Crow: Aw c'mon, at least... [Tom enters. However, rather than his usual entry, he is downside-up (or, if you prefer, upside-down), "hovering" just below the (unseen) ceiling of the SOL] Tom: Hey guys. Crow: Tha' heck? Mike: Tom? Tom: Yeah, I know. It's these last two stories we had to sit through. Crow: That bad, huh? Tom: Well first, Supergirl turns out to be an actress/scientist from a Krypton that exploded about umpty trillion years ago. And then we get a whole Ratliff story without one single word about Marrissa. My entire world- view is 180 degrees out of whack! Crow: Oh please, Servo. The comic book industry constantly revamps everybody's origins - it's not even noteworthy any more. Mike: Yeah, and even though we didn't see Marrissa anywhere in Stevie's story, that doesn't mean she wasn't lurking in there somewhere. Crow: Yeah, plotting, scheming, spreading evil - just like always. Tom: Hmmm... [pause] No, I'm sorry guys, I'm still all discombobulated. Crow: Whadaya think, should we leave him up there? Mike: Naw, too distracting. We'll have to think of something. Oh, Tom, while we brainstorm, you wanna tell everyone the info? Tom: Okay. To join the - wait, is this thing even up and running right now? Crow: It will be. Mike: Yeah, just go on like it is. Tom: All right. Well, to join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail to "majordomo@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body! Read the FAQ (at least when it comes back up) at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and keep your head on the ground and your feet in the stars. Or something. Unlike me. Mike: We're working on it. Tom: Well hurry up, can't ya? The blood's all rushing to my dome! [CF] Pearl: AHA! I've done it! I've finally driven one of you to distraction! It may take time, but one by one, I will eat you up and spit you out like the rotten hors d'oeuvres you are! BWAHAHAHAAH!!! [SOL - Gypsy now has Tom firmly clutched in her mouth. And she's pulling!] Tom: OWOWOWOW!!! Oh boy, that smarts like a monkey clutcher! Mike: C'mon, Gyps! Pull harder! Gypsy: Fw'm mllnk zz frd fwz Fw knn! Crow: Huh? Gypsy: [letting go] *ptoo!* I said, I'm pulling as hard as I can! Tom: Aw, forget it, fellas. I'm still so turned around I can hardly think straight. I think maybe this time she's done gone and done it to me. [CF - Pearl is dancing around the room] Pearl: Woot! Woot! Woot! I *rule*! You're down for the count, Tom *Sucko*! You, your pathetic little box of undies, and your fireplug red hinder are *mine*!!! Boys - bring it out! Let's par-TAY!!! [Brain Guy & Bobo enter, lugging a large sheet cake emblazoned with a portrait of Pearl, inscribed above the words "I RULE"] Observer: You're sure you're not being premature with your gloating, Pearl? Pearl: Are you kidding? I got one of 'em riding the ceiling and it's only a matter of time before I nab the other two! Bobo: Mmmmm, are we gonna have cake now? Pearl: You bet your life! Just put it on the table! Bobo: Okay, but - my computer's in the way. Pearl: Well, just push it all off onto the floor. Observer: The whole thing? Bobo: I haven't saved my "Bejeweled" session yet. Pearl: Well tough toenails! I plan to celebrate, and that involves serious cake consummage! Bobo: [starts fiddling with the keyboard while balancing the cake] But can't I at least finish this one... Pearl: [trying to clear the decks] Just put it ... Observer: [holding on precariously] I don't think... [All you 3 Stooges fans know what happens next - between Bobo's juggling and Pearl's over-compensating, the cake gets flipped over and smushes Pearl and Brain Guy in the face.] [SOL - Raucous Laughter is the order of the day - even for Tom, who's now back rightside up] Gypsy: BWAHAHAHAH!!!!! Crow: Oh man, sweet! I *knew* something would trip her up - as usual! Mike: *snerkle* And it's restored Tom's faith in the order of the universe! Tom: [giggling] Thank you, Bobo, for making me laugh at unending stupidity and boundless hubris - again! [CF] Bobo: Oh, you're quite welcome. Pearl: [Irreproducible but definitely menacing sound] Bobo: I think. Pearl: [brushing cake gunk off her face] Fine. Fine. Laugh it up while you can, funny boy! You'll get yours sooner or later! Observer: Uck! I seem to have a cape full of buttercreme frosting. Bobo: Really? Yum, buttercreme. Pearl: And as for YOU, you overgrown lemur, I'm gonna frost you but good! [scoops up a handful of cake] Say your prayers, Kong! Bobo: [chuckling] Oh come on now, Lawgiver, you should know better than to challenge an *ape* to a *flinging* contest. [Bobo scoops up his own cake and the two begin circling the room] Observer: Um, Michael, perhaps we'd best sign off for now. Oh my. This is quite disturbing on a number of different - [Suddenly, Observer is nailed in both directions by flung cake] Observer: ...levels. *sigh* I'm going to go wash out the stains on my cape now. I expect that the ones on my soul are likely permanent. [Brain Guy leaves amd we fade out to the sounds of Primate and Pearlian screeches and the *splats* of more cake being tossed] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "THE FOUR KINGS" BY: higherdimensions7 "THE ENDICOTT SYNDROME" BY: Rob Morris "ARTISTIC LISCENSE" BY: Dr. Thinker "OKLAHOMA COMMAND" BY: Stephen Ratliff "GRAND SLAM" MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon (we sincerely hope!) SCONCES BY: Home Interiors IN THE SWEET BY AND BY: We Shall Meet on that Beautiful Shore WHAT'S COOLER THAN BEING COOL: Ice Cold! THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the teachers of America, Popcap Games (http://www.popcap.com), everyone responsible for "Shrek & "Shrek II" (including William Steig) and you - the audience at home! "Star Trek: TNG" and "Star Trek: DS9" and all associated characters and situations are trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved. It's been a long road getting from there to here. "Benson" trademark of and (c) Witt/Thomas Productions and Sony Pictures Television. All rights reserved. And we *still* don't know who won that furshlugginer election! Superman, Supergirl and all associated characters and situations are trademark of and (c) DC Comics. All rights reserved. Learn Supergirl's current origin before it changes ag- woops, too late. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Where the Big B-Actors Roar! Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. So stop looking at us like that! We mean it! Mo-o-o-o-om!!!! Bustaker! Keep circulating the posts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- >It was not fair. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ billfl@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl "If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you." Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night" -- Constable Katie, ASC* Archive team Archive: www.trekiverse.org | trekiverse.crosswinds.net | qcontinuum.trekiverse.net Submissions: submissions trekiverse.org For archive updates: ASC-Archive-annc-subscribe@yahoogroups.com ASC* FAQs: http://trekiverse.crosswinds.net/FAQs/ ASC Stories-Only list: ascl-subscribe @ yahoogroups dot com ASCEM Stories-Only list: ascem-s-subscribe @ yahoogroups dot com ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! 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