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From: vanhunks@yahoo.com (vanhunks)
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Subject: NEW: VOY   "A taste of bitter aloes"  1/1 [J/C] [PG-13]
Date: 18 Aug 2004 01:19:18 -0700
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Title  :  A Taste of bitter Aloes
Author :  vanhunks
Contact:  vanhunks@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Crater/6253
Series :  VOY
Part   :  New 1/1
Rating :  PG-13
Codes  :  angst

Date first posted: 8/18/04

Archive: ASC yes, all others please ask

Summary: Even after they returned to the Alpha Quadrant, Janeway still
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager, Janeway and Chakotay. No copyright
infringement is intended.

NOTE: This story was inspired by a photograph.

A TASTE OF BITTER ALOES

God knows, she had made many mistakes in her life; made decisions that
even now, five months after returning home, Starfleet still shook
their heads about in disbelief. She had enjoyed those looks and
challenged them on every decision she had made. It was downright
satisfying to see how they had backed down over a particular stance
she took. She didn't care how mutinous or fiercely protective she
appeared if it meant she could save those crew who might have been
jailed.

Over the years she had made a lot of people either angry, or sad or
outraged or just plain dejected.

Kathryn's fingers trembled as they worked the conn panels of the Delta
Flyer. She had left a curt message for Owen Paris that she was taking
the Flyer for some unfinished business. Owen's reply had been as
succinct: Then finish it, Kathryn.

A sudden image of a strained face, dark and unhappy, came before her. 

Try as she might, she couldn't forget the look on Chakotay's face the
last time she had seen him. Closing her eyes, she tried to blank out
that look, consign it to oblivion, but even in the oblivion of her
fractured sleep, his eyes bore into her. They seemed to call on every
debt she owed him and she…she was welching on all of them.

Her words… "I never promised you a rose garden…"

His darkly tanned face that looked pinched, pale and the eyes… God,
his eyes, his wounded eyes.

"Then there is nothing more to say, is there?" his words cut into her
that day in her office.

"Chakotay, I - "

His face had pulled uncharacteristically in a frown, one that marred
his features, disturbed the beauty of the smooth lines of his tattoo.

"Goodbye, Kathryn…"

He had left her office and she hadn't seen him since. He never turned
up at the homecoming celebrations and even when she thought that Seven
of Nine would have left with him to wherever it was he vanished to,
that little illusion had been shattered. Seven turned up at the
celebrations, looking stunning and looking like she never missed
Chakotay.

Strange how, despite senior crew like Tom Paris, Tuvok and B'Elanna
knowing of Seven's attachment to Chakotay, it was never to her a
source of perturbation. Chakotay's affection - indeed, his love - had
been for her, Kathryn Janeway. It was an awareness borne out of their
unusually close and intimate friendship, their relationship as
colleagues. By some unspoken agreement they had never crossed the
boundaries that she felt, would have compromised her goal, her
personal mission of remaining a disciple of the Federation. Knowing of
his feelings, she had been careful not to allow him to entertain any
thoughts of a relationship as lovers, or a marriage.

They had come home, thrust through a transwarp hub and surprised
Starfleet Command. Then the flurry of activities that followed - 
endless meetings, reuniting with her family, seeing that her crew were
looked after, protecting the remaining members of Ransom's command,
seeing that none of the Maquis ended up in prison. Through it all she
had felt the new ripple of excitement within her and in the man always
at her side through those days - Chakotay. His eyes were an open book,
a new manuscript with the first chapters already mapped, charted and
plotted. They were home. There were no more parameters. She was no
longer his captain, his commanding officer.

She was no longer a captain. 

She knew the moment would come that he would ask her.

But that day… 

"I feel if I don't ask, I'll never know, will I? Whether you'll say
yes or no."

She had said 'no'. 'No' to marriage, 'no' to love. She had believed
that there could be no room for him even after they returned home.

After that she couldn't get him out of her mind. His presence
persisted in her waking moments, in her dreams, in her conversations
with others. She had slipped naturally into the promotion that
Starfleet Command handed her on a plate but everywhere she walked,
Chakotay was with her; she couldn't shake him off.

The Admiralty. It had never been a conscious desire to climb up the
Starfleet ladder. She knew she was good, one of the best at what she
was doing. Her grandparents had been in Starfleet, and so had her
father been until his untimely death. It was in her blood, in every
vein that throbbed, every heartbeat, every breath she took. She was
always going to get there. When she returned home, she knew of no
other path that she could walk.

It was why she could never allow herself to get close to Chakotay, the
one man she knew would be her emotional undoing. But seven years
drifting like a Flying Dutchman through a sometimes benign, mostly
hostile alien quadrant had brought them all together as a family, a
close-knit unit that solidified more and more as they faced dangers
together. More and more she sought him out, nights when they had
talked into the early hours of the morning, days spent in the holodeck
playing velocity. She really couldn't imagine living one day to the
next without him, or, just knowing he was there, near her.

Sometimes, he dropped a kiss in her hair. Like a child she would rest
her head against him, press her lips in his neck. Then, to her shame
at the disappointed look in his eyes when he moved closer to her, she
retreated.

There were boundaries they never crossed. He loved her. Within her,
her head fought her heart in a duel to the death to gain ownership of
her feelings for Chakotay.

Chakotay…

Kathryn sighed. She couldn't tell him all that she felt. They had been
close friends, the best of friends, but she knew by the look in his
eyes in unguarded moments, that he had wanted more. She knew that her
actions sometimes gave him hope for more. But she had always been too
insidiously aware that she had a mission, and that her mission
excluded the frivolous excursions into mid-night trysts or affirmation
of feelings such as a loving relationship required and demanded.

"Love," she told him, "is not enough for a marriage, Chakotay. I wish
I could give you everything, give you more, give to the other
essential elements that bond two people forever…"  Her words had
trailed away. She had sounded ineffective, she knew.

"But?"

"I'll always be Starfleet."

"Do you love me?"

"No."

Now, her dreams were filled with her denial; her heart screamed at her
head in its dying moments.

"You gave me every reason to hope, Kathryn, now that we're home."

"I never promised you a rose garden, Chakotay."

Chakotay had wanted everything, even if he never breathed a word to
affirm those desires. She was always going to be in uniform, even as
she loved him. She couldn't expect him to make any more sacrifices
than he had already – destroying his own vessel, bowing to decisions
she made when she knew in many instances he had been right, remaining
by her side as more than just a token first officer…
Marriage…children… She remembered her father, remembered how she and 
Phoebe  had cried when he couldn't make it home for Christmas, or
birthdays, or graduation…

Claiming the Federation as husband, lover, prostrating herself to her
chosen deity, she kept her face covered with the veil of obedience. It
was the best defence against Chakotay. A defence that crumbled into
debris as the days passed and his smiling, concerned, sad, happy face
wouldn't leave her.


***


Her console beeped suddenly, an alert that she had reached sector 451,
where in just an hour, she would reach the Dorvan system, fifth
planet.

Her heart thudded painfully. She wanted to sleep properly one whole
night through, not dream of dimples and tattoos and smiling eyes. For
now, visions of a Native American man refused to stay out, intruding
brashly and constantly in the depths of her slumber and her growing
awareness of dawn.

"I can't be a rose, Chakotay. Not a fragile bloom with wraith-like
petals that drift to earth at the merest touch. I can't be what you
want…"

She imagined he replied with, "Maybe a rose isn't what I wanted…"

Kathryn's eyes closed at those words. She hoped fervently that he
would listen to her.

But I have listened, Kathryn. Only, you didn't hear my call. 

****** 

It was late afternoon when she touched down just outside the dusty
town where she knew Chakotay stayed. It hadn't taken a genius to
determine that he would return to Dorvan V and assist in its
reparation after the Cardassians destroyed most of the planet's
natural resources. In five months she had not heard from him - not
that she expected to hear anything. She had turned down his proposal
in a heartless manner, denied her own heart the joy of loving him and
casting all reservations to the wind. She couldn't expect him to
remain by her side.

Now… 

Not a letter, not a subspace communication message. She needed to see
his eyes again, see in them the immutability of his feelings.

It was important that he see the new dawn in her eyes.  

She had not known that being separated for five months when they had
been side by side for seven years, could hurt so. She had not known
that she could wake in the middle of the night, gasping, distraught,
after dreaming of him. She had not known that every breath she took
could become a painful action simply because he wasn't part of it
anymore. She had not known that a Starfleet admiral could be so
colossally thoughtless and stupid to sell her soul to the Federation.

Kathryn stepped down the ramp of the Flyer and braced herself for the
waft of burning air that hit her. She sucked in her breath as she
peered in the distance. The air shimmered just above the surface like
a cool pond.

Around her she could see people, most with the Native American
appearance and she smiled when she recognised Crewman Mirren who had
been on Voyager. Some of the crew had come to Dorvan V to assist in
its rehabilitation. Mirren, who had been standing in the doorway of
her abode, just nodded with her head in the direction Kathryn was
walking. She would meet with those crew as soon as she had things
sorted out. Mirren had indicated the direction of Chakotay's home, and
Kathryn couldn't help but smile a little ruefully that Mirren knew why
she had come. So she waved and acknowledged her former crewman's
greeting before making her way further down the road.

When she reached the abode – a white building with flat red slate roof
which looked like it had just been completed – she drew in a deep
breath and knocked.

She waited a few seconds before the door opened.

Kathryn frowned when she saw a woman with long, raven black hair,
staring back at her.

"No, I'm not his wife or lover, if that's what you are thinking," the
woman said. When she smiled, dimples appeared in her cheek. Kathryn
breathed an inaudible sigh of relief. "My name is Nyala," the woman
said. "I am Chakotay's sister."

"My name is Kathryn Janew – "

"I know. Please, do come inside," Nyala said, indicating with a
flourish of her hand that Kathryn step into the cool foyer of the
abode.

"You know me?" Kathryn asked as she followed Nyala to the lounge. The
house was a surprise with its soft, light furnishing and cool white
walls adorned with Native American artefacts.

Nyala turned to her, a movement that caused her incredibly long hair
to sway about her hips. A gentle smile transformed her features as she
gestured that Kathryn take a seat while she vanished down a short
passage, reappearing moments later with something in her hand.

"Chakotay doesn't mind that I sometimes enter his bedroom to do some
tidying up. This…" Nyala said as she held the framed photograph to
Kathryn, "has been by his bedside since he arrived here, almost five
months ago."

Kathryn held the photograph up and a lump formed in her throat as she
looked at her image. It gave her hope as she had never dared to hope
before. She remembered the day on a beautiful planet when they had
gone down for shore leave. She had been happy, and Chakotay had just
snapped away with his imager. Her hair glinted in the sun behind her.
She looked relaxed, free.

Then Kathryn looked up at Nyala who had been quietly studying her.

"Why are you here, Kathryn?" she asked. There was a guarded look in
Nyala's eyes, one that couldn't hide the protection Kathryn knew she
felt for her brother.

"I'm here to finish unfinished business…"

"He never talks, you know. I wish sometimes he did. This," she said
softly, as she pointed to the photograph, "is the only indication that
I know how he hurts…"

"I never meant to hurt him, Nyala. I was – "

"You don't have to explain to me." Nyala smiled her gentle smile again
as she took the picture from Kathryn's hand. "You should tell
Chakotay."

"Yes… I need to tell him what I must," Kathryn said, rising to her
feet.

"He isn't here. I'll take you to him. Just…don't hurt him again…"

******************  

"I'll leave you now," Nyala said calmly. "My own family is waiting for
me."

"Thank you," Kathryn said to her as they stopped at the base of a
slight gradient. In the distance she could see the figure of a man and
knew that it was Chakotay. His bearing was unmistakable, and the way
he tilted his head toward the sky so endearing, so familiar that she
wanted to weep.

"You'll be okay?" Nyala asked, frowning, hesitating to leave.

"Yes…yes, I'll be fine." 

Nyala nodded, then turned and walked toward the road again. Kathryn
waited until she had rounded a rocky outcrop. She gave a deep sigh as
she started in the direction where she had seen Chakotay. She had been
amazed at the vegetation. Mostly chaparral that resembled the dry
regions of North America with cacti dotted here and there. But it was
the proliferation of flowers of all colours and shapes that impressed
her most. Could they have rehabilitated Dorvan V so quickly after its
destruction by the Cardassians? Then she realised that reparation work
had probably started long before they returned home.

The unusual appearance of the bright red flower heads on long stems
growing out of a crown of thick, pointed leaves grabbed her instantly.
It was uncanny, the way she felt drawn to the exotic blooms which all
pointed upwards in a delta shaped flower head.

Chakotay had become aware of her presence and when he turned to look
in her direction, Kathryn thought she saw him stiffen.

Reaching him, he made no attempt to move, or speak. Yet his eyes
flashed in recognition, acknowledged something ancient between them.
It was over in an instant.

"Hello, Chakotay."

"Admiral…" 

Her heart sank. 

"I come here as Kathryn." She had not worn her uniform and instead had
opted to wear a light knee-length gilet over a pair of pants.

"Funny. I was given the impression that the two were one."

How could she blame him for being bitter? Her appearance on Dorvan V
could mean anything; Chakotay was simply protecting his heart again.
She stepped closer to him and stood in his shadow as she looked into
his beloved face. She wanted to touch him, but retracted the hand that
wanted to caress his weathered cheek.

"I tried to get rid of you, but I couldn't."

"So, no rose garden?"

She sighed.

"No, Chakotay. Just me, if you'll have me."

"Starfleet, Admiral. It's in your blood, your bones, your past, your
present and your future."

"I need you in it, as part of my past, present and future."

Chakotay stood gazing at her for long moments. 

"What a different song you sing now, Kathryn Janeway."

"I thought I needed protection from myself. It's impossible."

"You told me you didn't love me."

Chakotay turned abruptly away from her when he spoke, taking an
interest in a large clump of the red flowers that proliferated over a
large area. She watched him break off a piece from one of the thick,
fleshy pointed leaves, squeezing it a little between thumb and
forefinger until its sap dripped out.

"Chakotay…"

He turned to face her again. She resisted the urge to throw herself
against him in total abandon.

"I never asked for a rose garden," he said.

"I guess I presumed too much, then."

"You did."

The silence hovered between them. Of course, her arrogant presumption,
her fierce denial of her feelings. He couldn't know…of her love…

"I love you…" 

"You told me love was not enough to keep two people together, to make
a marriage good."

"I said that, didn't I?" she replied, giving a mirthless little laugh
that sounded tinny.

"You said too many things, most of them I always knew," he said
softly, closing the gap between them. "Here, taste this…"

He held the open edge of the leaf point he had broken off earlier. She
took it and squeezed some sap on her tongue. It tasted wild, exciting,
inviting exotic flavours. Then her eyes widened. She almost choked as
she spat the sap on the ground. The bitter tasted bled so suddenly on
her tongue that it shocked her. She tried to scour her tongue by
running her teeth against it and spitting out the offending juice. The
bitter taste remained.

She looked at Chakotay in alarm. He was smiling! 

"That's not funny, Chakotay."

"When I was about nine years old, my father did the same thing to me.
I didn't suspect a thing until the bitterness registered. The taste
lingered for days in my mouth. But it tasted good at first. I fell for
it. Just like you did."

"You're right. What is this flower?"

"Aloe ferox, or bitter aloe."

She should have known…

"They seem to like this habitat," she told him, still smarting from
the bitter taste lingering on her tongue.

"When the first settlers arrived they brought seeds and bulbs from
Earth. Aloes are most commonly found in Southern Africa. They wanted
something from every continent. They couldn't have known how suited
the plants were to Dorvan V's dry climate. After the planet's natural
resources were destroyed by the Cardassians, those who returned found
these still growing."

"It's amazing, Chakotay."

"Aye. You remind me of Aloe ferox. Always have."

"You gave me a rose once…"

"I thought it was what you wanted."

"This aloe - "

"Can withstand heat, survive in adverse conditions. Their thick leaves
act like funnels so that the early morning dew is captured and stored
to provide the water they need. They can sink into the ground, their
flowers wilt and die, but come next season, these leaves are still
here, and the stalks rejuvenate to produce new flower heads. See here?
They point like darts upwards, reaching for the sky, seeming to touch
the clouds. They don't break easily, and though they look fragile if
viewed as a single floret, they're remarkably strong. It's the most
deceptive thing about these flowers, Kathryn. Most deceptive."

"And you think I'm like that?"

"I never asked for rose gardens, remember?"

"I love you, Chakotay."

A heavy silence. 

"You're like the aloe, Kathryn. At first, a taste, just a hint of
pleasure, the odd mix of exotic flavours. The next moment, the
bitterness that overrides the enjoyment…"

Kathryn paled at his words, knew what he meant.

"Chakotay - "

"One moment, Kathryn, you promise me the moon, the beauty of all
things, the urge to reach and touch the sky. I loved you those
moments, with all my heart. I dream of us, together; I dream of your
courage; I dream of our past, our present and especially, with my
heart roaring with joy, a future with you."

"Oh, God, Chakotay…"

"Then you tell me you don't love me. You tell me there is no hope when
a moment before you gave me every reason to hope. You tell me you
didn't make promises; you tell me you're not the rose you thought I
wanted. You kill me here," Chakotay said in a calm voice, as he held
his fist over his heart, "and I die…again and again and again. That
day in your office, Kathryn… You didn't have to say yes, I know. All I
wanted was for you to acknowledge your feelings for me. I knew they
were there. I've never thought of you as cowardly, but that day…"

"I told you I didn't love you."  She couldn't see him, thought it was
the bright light in her eyes as he moved to one side. But her eyes had
filled with a sheen of tears. Her heart thundered when she felt him
brush her damp cheeks.

"Aye. You cannot know how that hurt. You cannot know my misery. Now
you come here, enter my world, asking me to take you back. You stand
on the ground my people had walked for generations, and you look like
you belong here. It's not fair, Kathryn."

This time she reached up to caress his cheek, gently touching his
tattoo. He closed his eyes.

"Don't..."

"I'm not walking away this time, Chakotay," she whispered, unable to
keep a sob out of her voice.

"You sound...decided."

"You did so much for me...made so many sacrifices; you stood by my
side even when you knew I was wrong, or demented, or just plain
bullish... I couldn't let you do it again, when we got home..."

She knew it sounded flat, without much substance, but she didn't know
how to say what was in her heart. Chakotay's hand had covered hers,
removed it from his cheek and his lips burned in her palm. It was
stupendous, the freedom of loving him. His eyes opened.

"Know this, Admiral: your angry warrior will lay down his life for
you. His life and more, you hear me?"

"I was wrong, Chakotay. About me. About us. About a life together. It
can be good if we make it good."

Chakotay nodded, and for the first time since she arrived, smiled that
she could see his teeth, the deepening dimples. Her heart soared with
joy. Whatever he wanted... She was not going to deny him, or her.

"You'll spend six months here on Dorvan V - "

"Already made arrangements."

"And I'll be with you at Starfleet."

"That would suit me just fine."

"It would?" Chakotay asked, his face open, with none of the pinched,
drawn looks of the last time she had seen him. He still wanted her.
She had been prepared to go home, alone, lonely, empty...

Kathryn gave a little cry as she threw herself against him. 

"Oh, Chakotay! I missed you...missed you so badly..." 

He held her to him, not like the fragile flower she had imagined he
would hold her, but strongly, tightly, determined that he'd never let
her go.

"My wild, wild fiery aloe, courageous flower! I missed you like the
dry earth thirsts for the cool relief of water streams. I dreamed of
you, even when you sent me away..."

They stood among the aloes, clinging to one another for an eternity.
At last he held her away from him. He looked deeply into her eyes. She
knew there would be times that he would remember, taste the bitterness
of her rejection again, but they had time, and time to heal.

"My sweet Kathryn... with you by my side, I can do anything."

"And I live, because of you..."

They started walking down the gentle slope towards the dusty road that
would lead to his home. Hand in hand they walked, each remembering the
pain, the bitterness, the joy of forgiveness and togetherness.
Chakotay paused once to look back at the vast fields of aloes that
grew smaller and smaller the further they had moved away. She watched
his eyes, the softness in his hard features. Then he looked down at
her.

"The most amazing thing about the aloe is its power to heal...."

****

END


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