Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Thu, 29 Jan 2004 07:03:44 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: Gabrielle Lawson inheildi@earthlink.net Title: Faith, Part II: Forgiveness Author: Gabrielle Lawson (inheildi@earthlink.net) Series: DS9 Part: REP 8/9 Rating: [PG] Codes: Summary: Doctor Bashir, after having been marooned for over six months, Chapter Nine, cont. Ezri thought they were having a good, productive session. Julian had been glum when he came in. He was still glum. She didn't expect that would change. Mtingwa would be dying soon. He had that to carry with him. Still, they'd talked about a lot of things, things he'd never really talked about before. Auschwitz, for example. It had seemed he was afraid to discuss that after he was rescued. Maybe he thought the Dominion would hear about it and use it. He said the changeling had told him they could learn from the place. That was reason enough to try and keep it quiet. But it hadn't helped him. He talked about the cave and how he'd occupied his mind taking apart walls and machines. And he talked about the Dominion camp, 371. She'd heard about it from Worf, of course, but he'd only been there a short time. Bashir had been there a month. And he'd just been released from solitary confinement when Worf was captured. She knew he carried too much pain around with him. He kept too much to himself. She chuckled a bit, finally understanding. "You don't even know you're doing it, do you?" She let her voice become serious. "Or maybe you do." He didn't admit to either. "Doing what?" She hadn't really thought he would. "The same thing you've been doing all your life." She sat back in her chair and brought her hands together on her knees. "You're really quite brilliant," she said, meaning it. She *was* impressed. "It's no wonder Garak was upset after the enhancements came out. He was jealous." His face was a mask of confusion now, but she knew she had him. "What *are* you talking about?" Maybe he really didn't know he was doing it. Or maybe he was still doing it, hoping to throw her off. "You're so much better at keeping secrets than him," she explained, letting him know she wouldn't be misdirected. "He builds his life around being an enigma, but you--you hid your enhancements for nearly thirty years." Anger flashed behind those dark, expressive eyes of his, and hurt. "Twenty," he corrected. "I didn't know about them until I was fifteen." Ezri tossed up a hand. "That's still impressive. You've been doing it so long it's ingrained." She leaned forward again. "Either that or you see it as a tried and true method. Worked before, why not try it again?" Confusion, anger, hurt. They were all there. And frustration, too. He repeated his earlier question. "What are you talking about?" She didn't answer. Not directly. "A year ago you wouldn't say anything about Auschwitz. The only time you described the Jem'Hadar camp was in your report. I've never seen you so open." He raised his voice. "Isn't that what you want?" She ignored the outburst, unusual though it was. "When you first came here, people said you talked too much. About yourself. You were arrogant." It hurt to push him so hard, but he needed the pushing if he was ever going to let her help him. "You talked about yourself so much no one would have ever suspected you were hiding anything. Brilliant! Garak should take lessons." "You think I'm hiding something now?" he asked, indignant. He stood up. "You want me to talk about things. I've been talking about them. Do you want me to be difficult?" She stayed seated, but matched his intensity. "Yes! Yes, because Julian Bashir would be difficult." "Are you insinuating that I'm not Julian Bashir?" "I'm insinuating that you've changed." "*You've* changed, Dax," he threw back. "Things happen. People change." Now they were moving in the right direction. "And that's what I want to talk about." He threw up his hands and turned his back to her. "That's what we've been talking about. Auschwitz, Three Seven One, the cave, it's all part of that. Those are the things that happened." She walked up behind him and touched his shoulder. "But not the changes. You will talk about the events, but not about you. Not really you." "Well, then, I don't know what you want to hear!" he pleaded. This was hard for him; she knew that. "I don't want to hear what I want to hear," she told him, softening her voice. Now he chuckled. "And you think I have problems." A defense mechanism. She recognized it as such. She laughed with him. "Yes! I think I have problems, too. I think we all have problems." He didn't share the humor. "But me in particular." She stepped around him so she could see his face. "You haven't been the same since you returned, Julian." "Why should I be the same?" he breathed. "The universe isn't the same." That was the honesty she'd hoped to provoke. "Because you're not happy the way you are." Incredulous wonder lit his face. "There's a war on. People are dying. People are killing. After all that's happened to me, what do you suppose I should be happy about?" He had something there. It was hard to tell people not to be depressed when depressing things happened. But there was always something positive to point to, even here. "You were rescued." "I rescued myself," he said with some pride. "And I am happy I'm not still stuck in that cave." Ezri shook her head. "Relieved maybe, but not happy." She took his hand, made him look at her. "Julian, you don't have to be happy all the time. But something's not right if you're never happy." "I'm not 'never happy,'" he held, pulling free of her touch. "When I'm in the Infirmary, it's like everything falls away. All of it. I'm happy there." "That's good," she said, glad he had something. "But what falls away? What's there before you walk into the Infirmary. That's what I want to talk about, Julian. That's what you need to face." He turned away again, not saying anything. She waited, giving him time. He would talk. She knew it. But still, he said nothing. "Is it something that would keep you out of the Infirmary?" she asked, hoping to prompt him, but realizing that could be the fear that kept him from talking. "Is that why you won't talk about it?" Julian's comm badge chirped. He turned back to her, but tapped it. "Bashir here." Jabara's voice came over the other end. "I believe it's time, Doctor." He might have been happy to be saved from his present ordeal, but she could tell by his face that wasn't so. She knew what time it was. Mtingwa was dying. She nodded, letting him go. "We'll talk later," she said. Bashir took a few deep breaths--out of habit, he supposed--and entered the room. Mtingwa was actually transparent now. She looked like someone caught in the middle of a transport: there and not there at the same time. No, not caught. She was being beamed away in slow motion. It probably didn't even take genetically enhanced eyes to see the changes now. She was fading. The display above her head had been turned off before he met with Ezri. The instruments had gotten quite confused. She smiled at him, though her lips quivered. "I had a good talk with my sister." Her voice was so quiet, Bashir doubted a natural human could have heard it. "My family hadn't had any news about me since I was captured. They didn't know if they'd ever see me again. She had a baby, my sister. And her two older children are in school now. They're twins. She says they look like me." Bashir smiled and stepped further into the room. He pulled up a stool and sat beside her bed. "Then they must be beautiful children." She smiled again. "You're a charmer," she teased. Then she grew serious. "I'm sorry about before. You were right. I'm glad I had the time. I'd wanted to talk to her so many times when I was a prisoner. I would talk to her anyway, just in my head. That helped." Bashir understood that. "I took apart walls," he told her. "Walls and machinery, replicators, transmitters, transporters, everything I could think of." She nodded. Then she drew in a long, shaky breath. "I'm afraid," she admitted. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her there was no need, that everything would be fine. But it wouldn't. They both knew that. "I'm here," was all he could say. "I won't leave." She faced him, but she squinted her eyes. "I can't see you anymore." He picked up her hand, surprised to find it still felt solid. "I'm still here." She squeezed his hand, and he could feel the pressure, the desperation. "Can you hold me?" Tears spilled past her eyes and ears to the pillow but left no wet spot there. "Is there enough of me left?" His throat hurt and his own eyes stung. He helped her to sit up and sat beside her on the bed. He wrapped his arms around her and felt her arms lightly on his back. He could feel her heart beat as he held her, though it seemed he was holding air more than a woman. Her shoulders shook as she cried. She didn't say anything for several minutes. Then suddenly, she pleaded with him. "Will you remember me?" He still hadn't worked that out. "I'll try," he said. And then she was gone. His arms fell to the bed. There was nothing left. But he did remember. *** Caldia Mtingwa frantically searched the cockpit for something to shut off the countdown. Self-destruct. They'd thrown her out here to self-destruct. Out where? She wasn't sure where she was. She could see the base outside the ship, but it wasn't right. It was like a ghost image. Fifteen seconds. The cockpit was nearly empty. No piloting controls, no operations console or tactical display. The only thing in there was the remote control receiver and a small communications console. She'd tried that already. Five seconds. Her pulse pounded in her chest. She didn't want to die. Not like this. Not out here. Not anywhere. *Damn them!* she thought. Is this where all the others had gone? Three, two. . . . The ship rocked violently and she threw up her hands, instinctively trying to shield her face from the fire. But there was no fire. Not yet. The cockpit became chaos. Lights flashed around her, inside the cockpit and out. Then darkness. She couldn't see anything, but she thought her bones would rattle right out of the EV suit they'd put her in. The lights in the cockpit came back on. She tried to brace herself against the fuselage but she couldn't keep her arms up. The ship's nose seemed to waver and ripple, like liquid. Then came the fire. It engulfed her, and she screamed. She had the suit, but she could still feel the heat. She took a breath and the air burned her throat and lungs. And then suddenly, it stopped. The fire dissipated, leaving her coughing. Each breath she drew in was hot and caustic. It smelled rotten, metallic. But it was all she had. She hurt, but she was still alive. The countdown had stopped. She hadn't even noticed the silence until she could stop coughing long enough to look outside the cockpit. No base, ghost image or not. There was nothing out there but stars. She didn't care now that it hurt so much to breathe or move. She was alive. She waited to see if the Dominion would bring her back by remote control, but the ship didn't move. She was free. She'd take that. She could live with the pain. She forced her fingers to move and reached for the communications console. It took her two hours, but she finally altered the signal to something resembling a Federation distress call. She hoped it resembled it enough. She waited. She hoped the Dominion or its allies wouldn't pick up the signal. She didn't want to have to go back. Not after this. If she could just get to a nice, clean Federation ship. . . . Or even a cold, dark, harsh Klingon one. It didn't matter. She closed her eyes. She was tired, and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. She awoke when the tingle hit her. For that briefest of moments, all her pain went away. Then she was whole again and the pain was with her. But she was a in a bright room, on a soft bed. She'd made it. A face leaned over her, removed her helmet. "You're awake," the face said. "Where am I?" she croaked out. "You're on the *Potemkin.*" Chapter Ten Kira had waited for her shift to end. She still wasn't completely sure what she'd seen down in the lower levels. Oh, the conduit she was sure of. It was the man that still perplexed her. She'd spent nearly an hour during dinner trying to figure out how to tell someone without telling about the man who'd led her down there. And figuring out who to tell at all. O'Brien would be appropriate for the conduit. Maybe he'd had someone working down there. But that didn't explain the man. Only Bashir explained the man, because Bashir had once worn the same striped uniform. She didn't think she could go to him directly on this though. She wasn't sure it was him. And if it was, how would he react when confronted with it. She'd finally decided on Ezri. Ezri would be a better judge of Bashir's reaction and she might even listen to the part about the man with an open mind. Kira touched the panel by Dax's door and waited for an answer. The door didn't open, but Ezri did answer. "Come in." She sounded tired. Kira stepped forward and the door opened. She stopped there in the doorway, though. Ezri was facing her on the far wall. Upside down. "Oh, hi!" she said, swinging her feet down. "I was just thinking." Kira's brow furrowed. "On your head?" "It's been that kind of day," Ezri answered without really explaining. She stood up and smoothed down the wrinkles in her uniform. "Is there something wrong?" Kira shook her head and looked toward the couch. "I need to talk," she said, "about something that happened today, something that's been happening, I suppose." Ezri held out a hand toward the couch, inviting Kira to sit. Kira moved quickly to it and Ezri sat with her, tucking a leg under her body. "What happened?" "It's strange," Kira warned. "I'm a woman of less than thirty years walking around with a slug that's over three hundred in my gut," Ezri admitted, smiling. "I can deal with strange." Kira chuckled. Ezri always managed to lighten the mood when it needed it. "I suppose you can," Kira agreed. She took a deep breath and started the only place she could think to start. "I saw someone going into Quark's today." Now Ezri's brow furrowed. "And that's strange?" Kira shook her head. "Not just any someone. A man." Ezri's eyebrows shot up. "A man in a striped Auschwitz uniform," Kira added, stopping any light-hearted thoughts Dax might have had about Kira seeing a man. Ezri's face darkened immediately. Jadzia had seen more of the camp than Kira had. "Auschwitz?" Kira nodded. "I'm certain. He had the star on his chest, and a number. Lower than Julian's." Ezri ran a hand through her short hair. "That's not possible." She stood up. "Julian is the only living survivor. The oldest living survivor from that time died in the early twenty-first century. Why would someone be wearing that kind of uniform in Quark's?" "Quark didn't see him," Kira threw out. "No one else seemed to notice. He looked right at me from the upper level. But I was the only one who saw." Ezri sat back down and looked at her carefully. "And you've been feeling okay?" Kira shook her head and put up a hand. "I've already reasoned it all out. I didn't hallucinate him. I didn't even recognize him. Nor was he a changeling. He did things they couldn't do. He wasn't a Prophet, at least he didn't act at all like Captain Sisko has described the Prophets behaving. Everything was real. He wanted me to follow. I followed." "He told you that?" "No," Kira said. "He didn't say anything. I just knew he wanted me to follow." Ezri just nodded, but her lips were pursed together. "Where did he lead you?" "Lower levels," Kira answered. "Section D. Two levels below anything we use, into the dark. Only I could see him. At first, I couldn't see anything but him." "At first?" "When we got there, to the place he was leading me to, there was light around him, like it came from him. He showed me a power transfer conduit, and left the light there, though he stepped away. I opened it, and it was perfect. Not one wire or connection was missing or out of place." Ezri shook her head again. "I don't understand. We don't use those levels. They were never repaired." "Exactly," Kira told her. "This one was. And it wasn't just missed by the Cardassians. I thought of that. There was no dust in it, or around it. Someone repaired it recently. Someone that knew a man in an Auschwitz uniform. Why else would he lead me there. He left as soon as I'd found it. Just gone. It took me an hour to find my way out in the dark." "Julian?" Ezri asked, putting the pieces together just as Kira had. Who else had known such a man? Lieutenant Jordan had spent more time in the camp than any of the others looking for Bashir, but he'd been gone for nearly two years now and he hadn't stayed around to socialize with the prisoners. "You think the man was some sort of ghost?" Kira felt her cheeks flush. Ezri was Starfleet. "I'm saying I don't know what he was," she returned with a bit more anger than she wanted. "I just know he wanted me to see the conduit, to know that someone had done it. To know who that someone was. Why else would he wear the uniform? It wouldn't mean anything to anyone but Julian. Forget the man, Ezri, think about Julian. Why would he be down there repairing power transfer conduits in the dark?" Ezri stood again, blowing out a long held breath. "He took apart walls," she said finally, pacing a few steps away. "In his mind. He took apart walls and equipment. Stripped them back layer by layer when he was in the cave. It was how he passed the time, what kept him sane. It's a common enough coping tactic given long-term isolating conditions. I read a case study of a woman, a prisoner in the Viet-Nam Conflict on Earth in the twentieth century. She built houses from the ground up." Kira understood that. Bajoran torture victims had done the same sorts of things to keep their minds occupied and off their torment. But she was still worried about Bashir. "So now he's doing it for real? In the dark." Ezri nodded. "The cave was dark. He was there a long time. Maybe it became a comfort to him. It's quiet in the dark. It's probably chaotic on the station in comparison. It was on the *Enterprise*. He hasn't been out that long really. Less than a month. It makes sense that he'd go back to the dark. Was the conduit active?" Kira shook her head. "Then I wouldn't worry," Ezri said. "At least it's nothing dangerous, nothing we use. He can't do any damage without power and I think he's rational enough not to do anything dangerous anyway. He's probably just been doing it to calm the chaos. I'll talk to him though. Just not tonight. He lost Mtingwa tonight." Kira felt better. She did trust Julian not to do anything dangerous to the station. And Ezri's reassurances made sense. "I heard," she said, replying to Ezri's remark about Mtingwa. "I'm not sure why we still remember her if she was never here." Ezri sunk back onto the couch, looking morose again. "Apparently she was. And according to Temporal Investigations, she will be again. Over and over again." It was late, and it wasn't the best time. Sisko realized that. But he just didn't feel it could wait any longer. He couldn't wait. He didn't want to face another staff meeting like the last two. He didn't want to avoid Bashir on the Promenade. He wanted to put an end to the power game they were playing. Maybe having lost a patient would cool Bashir's temper, making him more able to listen. Sisko expected a clipped reply or terse acknowledgement to his request. Instead, Bashir simply said, "Yes, sir." No tone, no harshness. Sisko started to doubt. When he appeared in Ops, however, Sisko's resolve came back to him. Bashir's face was set hard, his eyes cold. He stepped through the door and stood at attention. "You wanted to see me," he said, and Sisko could still not identify the tone. "Yes," he said. "I think we need to talk." "We talked this morning," Bashir replied. Yes, they had. "I know. But I don't think we resolved anything." "There's nothing to resolve." "I think there is," Sisko said. He stood up and braced his arms on the top of the desk. "I've spent the last three weeks thinking about what you said back on the *Enterprise.* And you were right. You opened my eyes to a lot of things." He folded his arms and turned to look out the viewport. "When does the line begin to fade? The line between good and bad, right and wrong? What if, in trying to win, we end up looking in the mirror and not recognizing ourselves?" Bashir was silent behind him. Sisko could see him in the reflection. He'd moved to parade rest. He didn't relax at all. "I'll admit," Sisko went on, "that I haven't even looked at that mirror since the war began. Not until I saw you on the *Enterprise.* Then I looked and I didn't recognize myself. I didn't like what I saw there. I've apologized, and I know that isn't enough for you, for anyone. It can't change what I did. But nothing can." He turned. It was enough. "I can't change the past, Julian. I can't go back in time and erase it." The words were out before he realized it. 'Back in time' was not exactly the best choice on this night. "Can't you?" Bashir asked, his voice flat, matter-of-fact. "You can break the Prime Directive when it suits you and commit a felony when it's convenient. What's to stop you breaking temporal policy?" "You," Sisko said, deciding not to take offense at Bashir's words. They needed to work things out, not argue more. "You. And me. You made me look in that mirror again. I don't have the right to decide for a whole quadrant which past and which future is right. We played it out the way we played it, right or wrong, it's done." "So that's just it?" Bashir asked. His face had darkened. "We just forget about it now. Pretend it never happened?" "No," Sisko said, stamping a hand down on his desk again. "No, but we go on. I got the message, Doctor, loud and clear. I don't need you to punish me anymore. I can manage that all by myself. From now on, we go back to being captain and lieutenant, commander and doctor. And maybe someday we can go back to being friends. But that's your decision. I won't force it, but I will enforce the chain of command. And I'll expect you to respect it." Bashir straightened to attention. "Yes, *sir*." Sisko knew he wasn't going to get more than that. He was surprised, actually, that he didn't get an argument. He nodded. "Dismissed." Julian Bashir felt like his world--what was left of it--was collapsing. Ezri had him on one side, Sisko on the other. He couldn't go back to the Infirmary, not now. Not just yet. His shift had ended hours ago, thankfully. He told the turbolift to take him to the Habitat Ring. Then he changed his mind. Ezri might look for him there. He didn't want to talk to her. Or anyone else. He just wanted to disappear. He found himself again in the lower levels, the same deck he'd visited now and then since his return. He knew his way by heart now. He didn't need to grope along the walls. Darkness was something familiar to him, something comforting. It hid everything equally: what one wanted to see and what one didn't. He located his conduit and felt inside. It was ready. He only needed to tie it in to the EPS system. He took a cue from Jordan's clone and tapped into several dozen different nodes, taking just a bit of power from each. Each would only register the slightest margin of drop-off, not enough to cause alarm. It took hours to accomplish all the tie-ins. He had to move from one panel to another along the entire deck. But finally, he was ready. He found his way back to the conduit and connected the last piece of the circuit. And the lights came on. Damn. The sudden light snapped at his eyes. He hadn't meant for that to happen. He opened the circuit again and the light faded. Someone might have noticed. It was simple when he thought of it. The lights had been on the whole time; they simply had no power. He had to find all the controls and disconnect them. By the time he emerged from the lower levels, all the shops on the Promenade were closed. Except Quark's. But Quark's didn't close until the early hours of the morning. He passed by the upper level and noticed that the waiters were just cleaning up. Apparently, it was the early hours of the morning. He went on to the turbolift and headed back to his quarters. He felt numb and hollow as he walked. Working below had done that for him. It was better than the hurt and anger he had felt before. It was the best he could hope for anymore. He opened the door to his quarters and jumped when he heard the voice behind him. "No more caffeine for you," Ezri said. He spun around. "What are you doing here?" She shook her head. "Shall we go in?" She didn't wait for him to answer but stepped past him into the room. He looked around, thinking of leaving again, but knew he couldn't explain that. He followed her. She began as soon as the door closed. "When was the last time you slept?" He'd barely made it into the room. He'd have to pass her to go anywhere. "Last night," he told her, without having to lie. He *had* fallen asleep last night eventually. She crossed her arms over her chest. "More than three hours?" she pressed. He didn't answer. He didn't know the answer. "So what do you do with all that spare time?" she asked. Bashir felt the heat rising in his chest again. Why was she doing this? Why now? He glared at her. But she didn't stop. -- --Gabrielle I'd much rather be writing! http://www.stormpages.com/gabrielle/trek/ The Edge of the Frontier http://www.stormpages.com/gabrielle/doyle/ This Side of the Nether Blog: http://www.gabriellewrites.blogspot.com -- Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ Yahoo! Groups Links To visit your group on the web, go to:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service. From ???@??? 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