Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 04:10:38 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: Jungle Kitty Title: Backwards and In High Heels Author: Jungle Kitty Contact: kittyjungle @ earthlink . net Series: TOS Posted: 4/20/2004 Part: 1/5 Codes: Various characters including real people, humor Rating: PG Feedback: Yes, please. Archive: ASC and WWOMB yes, all others please ask. Summary: A few years back, a question was asked on ASC: "What if Kirk Thanks to Wildcat for a beta beyond excellence and hugs to all who responded with encouragement when I needed it and were patient when I had to keep saying, "Not yet." The Star Trek characters and universe are the property of Paramount and Viacom. This not-for-profit parody is not intended to infringe upon that. Other acknowledgements and disclaimers appear at the end of the story. *** BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS, part 1 (c) 2001-2004 Jungle Kitty FOREWORD by Mitzi Heatherton-Cugat, television historian Over the years, Star Trek's place in the history of television has been well-documented with much attention being given to its two pilots, "The Cage" (which the studio passed on) and "Where No Man Has Gone Before" (which the studio approved, thus initiating what would become a cultural phenomenon of almost unparalleled breadth and endurance). However, although another unsold pilot, filmed after "The Cage" but before "Where No Man," has long been rumored, there has been no proof that it ever existed. That is, up until now. The diaries of Gene Roddenberry's assistant, Miss Julie Morgan, long believed to have been lost in a fire, were actually in the possession of her niece who graciously allowed me to review them. The revelations within those pages were so astounding that I would have been tempted to believe I was the victim of an elaborate hoax, were it not for the actual film footage I recently discovered among some home movies at a celebrity garage sale. Unfortunately, I awoke one morning to find a Gorn's head in my bed resting among the ashes of what had once been the long-lost diaries and home movies. This act of intimidation occurred shortly after I had shared my discovery with a certain television producer who believes the history of Star Trek doesn't matter and even if it does, it's his now. Coincidence? I'll let you be the judge of that. In any case, I felt that the story of the lost pilot must be told even though I no longer had any evidence to support it. Therefore, to disguise the story's provenance and to protect my bed linens from further indignities, I have resorted to the only venue that offers any protection to one who would reveal a disturbing truth. I speak of course of fiction. None of the names have been changed because no one would be fooled by a *roman a trek* so why bother? Besides, I consulted my good friend Jungle Kitty and she assured me that the fan fiction is in such a gray legal area that she, I, and everyone portrayed herein will be dead long before that question is resolved. She was also kind enough to take on the task of actually writing the story. I believe she has some experience as a writer, but in fairness to you, dear reader, I must point out that what you are about to read--although true to the spirit of the actual events --does contain certain inaccuracies. Ms. Kitty refers to these exaggerations and untruths as "artistic license" (and apparently, artists are expected and even encouraged to be licentious), but I wish to state for the record that said inaccuracies are hers and hers alone. Send her as many Gorn heads as you wish; I'm sure she has closets-full already. So now it is my privilege to share with you the long-rumored story of the second captain of the Enterprise and her--yes, *her* only adventure. Let us join this beautiful and tempestuous commander as she casts off the undeserved label of 'urban legend' and takes her rightful place in entertainment history, boldly going where no man has gone before... Backwards and in high heels! *** LOS ANGELES, 1965 After taking the corner on two wheels, Julie brought the Mustang to a screeching halt and hopped out, leaving the car parked diagonally in the driveway with one tire resting in a flower bed. Her blonde hair flying out of a french twist, she ran up the walk to the bungalow's front door and rang the bell. After waiting less than two seconds, she rang it again. "Gene! Gene!" When there was no response, she pounded on the door, which flew open on the first impact. "Gene, are you home? I have big news--" She found him sitting in a large chair in the living room, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees, intent on the television. Oh, no, she thought. Still? Three months ago, the DesiLu executives had passed on his pilot for a revolutionary series about space exploration. As his assistant, she knew that all his dreams had been tied up in the project and she hadn't been surprised when he withdrew from the Hollywood scene, but she'd assumed it was a temporary measure, to give himself time to recharge his creative energies. She'd never expected that his brilliant mind would turn to something else, something that would draw him away from the world he loved, something so shameful that he no longer even left the house, preferring to sit behind closed curtains, nearly slobbering in ecstasy over the lowest entertainment television could offer. Daytime soap operas. Well, she thought angrily, maybe this news will be just the thing to snap him out of it. "Gene," she said, shaking his shoulder. "The studio called. They're still interested in Star Trek!" She stepped in front of the television and almost shouted, "They want you to do another pilot!" "Shhhh, Julie, wait for a commercial!" He waved her away. "They're just about to reveal the identity of David's father--" "Gene, this is important!" She turned off the TV and placed herself between it and the man in the chair. "Now listen to me, Gene. It's practically a miracle that they're giving you a second chance. I've read through all the notes they gave us and I know you can deliver what they want. They don't like Number One--" "Number what?" "--and they don't like Spock. I think you can get away with keeping one of them, just cut it down to a small role. I checked with Jeffrey Hunter's agent and he's not available--" "Could we please turn the TV back on?" "No." She began pacing as ideas came bubbling out of her. "I think Hunter's other commitments are actually a stroke of luck because the studio thought he was too wooden. They hated the scenes where he talked about not wanting to be the captain of the ship. They said people don't want to watch a show about someone who hates his job. It's too much like real life. So they want someone who likes being on this adventure, someone with a little humor, someone with warmth and charisma and...Gene? Gene?" She looked around and found that while she'd been rhapsodizing about the new pilot, Gene had left the room. Hearing voices down the hall, she followed the sound into the bedroom and saw her boss seated on the edge of the bed, staring at the television screen where an elaborately coiffed blonde was addressing her brawny companion. "Please understand, Dirk, I wanted David in my world, not yours!" The camera moved in for a closeup of the blonde, who managed to hold her anguished expression for the three seconds it took the music to build to a fitting climax. As the screen faded to an image of a windswept shore, a soothing male voice announced, "This concludes today's episode of--" Sighing heavily, Gene went to the television and turned down the sound. "That woman's a real piece of work, isn't she? Keeping a man away from his son for all those years. Poor Dirk." Julie yanked the plug out of the wall. "Gene, listen to me! Star Trek! Remember Star Trek? Your big dream? It's not dead! The studio wants you to do another pilot!" He looked at her with a confused expression. "Star Trek? They want another pilot for Star Trek?" "Yes! And this time I know you can give them what they want." She sat down on the edge of the bed and flipped open her steno pad. "I've still got the notes from last time. Their main objections had to do with the story--too cerebral--and the characters--'not anyone TV viewers would care about' is the way they put it. Now Gene, I know you've got tons of stories in you and if we can just put a little more emphasis on the characters, make them likable and interesting and--" "Yesssss." He went to the window and slowly opened the draperies. "Yes, characters that the audience will keep coming back to, characters who never lose their appeal, characters whose lives are exciting! Glamorous! Dangerous!" "Yes, Gene, yes!" Suddenly energized, he began moving around the room, jabbing his hands in the air as he spoke. "Get this down, Julie! First off, I want a lot more medical stuff in the show. More scenes in sickbay. And nurses, lots of nurses! And for the head nurse, a sad-eyed, beautiful blonde. Her name is..." Chewing his lip, he snapped his fingers impatiently. "Caresse! Yes, her name is Caresse." "C-H-R-I-S or K-R-I-S?" "No, not Chris! Caresse! C-A-R-E-S-S-E! And she's sad because her fiance was a brilliant scientist who disappeared while exploring a remote part of the galaxy and she joined Starfleet to search for him. So she's searching, searching, always searching, hoping to find...Thorne! Dr. Thorne Korby! Of course, eventually they do find him on a planet full of robots, beautiful female robots, and one big, ugly, male robot named Rock." "So is the show about the nurse now?" "No, no, she's a minor character. But I think we need a lot of women on the ship. Let's see, what else could a woman do on a starship?" "She could--" "She could run the switchboard! Perfect. So we have a beautiful girl at communications--" "Is she blonde and sad-eyed, too?" "No, she's warm and voluptuous and...black!" "Her name is Black?" "No, she IS black. And her name is...let's see, um, Mahoganee? No, no, Sienna! Cameo! No, that's no good, It needs to be exotic and a little dangerous and...Taboo!" "Her name is Taboo?" "Yes, Taboo! My God, I'm a genius! With a name like that, who cares what she does! Now Spock, Spock. I need to do something with Spock." "Well, if he's the one you're keeping, I think he should fade into the background, at least for the pilot--" "No, no, that was the problem! He wasn't out front! He wasn't alien enough!" "He had green skin and pointed ears." "But no mystery. This time, he'll have mystery. He's still a, a, a...What did we call it? A Venusian?" "Vulcanian." "Right, but now he's only half-Vulcanian. The other half is human so he's at war with himself--" "Oh, Gene, I like that!" "I do, too. And there's a blacksheep half-brother who'll turn up later. And he's got some strange sexual kink." "Gene!" "Oh, Julie, don't be such a prude! We'll come up with something that will get past the censors but everybody will know what it means. Maybe his ears could glow when he sees a pretty girl." "That's gonna cost." "Right, right, scratch that. Maybe a forbidden romance...Taboo! Spock and Taboo! What could be more forbidden than that? They can be on a little spaceship, just the two of them, and it crashes on a barren planet where they're transported backwards through time into the stone age. And as they struggle to survive, they're drawn closer together and they discover their hidden passion." "So is Spock the lead now?" "Don't be silly. The captain is the lead and--" "I had an idea for the captain, Gene. Why not a woman?" "What?" "A woman. A strong, intelligent woman but charming and with a little bit of humor--" "Yes, yes, I think you're on to something, Julie. A woman. A strong, ambitious, power-hungry woman who will stop at nothing as she claws her way to the top." "That's not what I--" "No one will stand up to her except her handsome young executive officer. Mitchell. Commander Slate Mitchell. And every time they argue, there's this sexual tension between them. But Mitchell rebels against her and she maroons him on a deserted planet where he dies. And then she realizes he was the only man she could ever love and that makes her more of a bitch than ever. I'm thinking Joan Crawford, Barbara Stanwyck, someone you'd be *afraid* to go to bed with. But young and beautiful. Tight skirt, very high heels, shoulder pads." "Gene--" "Now she needs an enemy..." "I think the costume is the enemy." "That's good, Julie! Now you're thinking! An alien that disguises itself as her uniform and takes over her mind! Are you getting all this down?" "Yes, but--" "We still need an enemy who can threaten her on a more personal level..." "What's more personally threatening than mind-controlling underwear?" "A man. A man who knows that underneath it all, she's still a woman. See, she doesn't have a man so she's trying to become one and he understands this." "Can he explain it to me?" "Even though he's an alien, they were lovers once but now they're on opposite sides as war sweeps the galaxy. His name is Blade!" "That doesn't sound very alien." "Put a K in front of it." "Kay Blade? I don't think so, Gene." "Not Kay Blade. K'Blade. With an apostrophe. And spell it weird." "How's this?" She held up her pad and displayed the words Alien ex-lover K'Blaighde "Good! Make a note. All alien names should have strange spellings and harsh sounds like Gak and Kahuck and Chuft--" "Names that sound like a cat coughing up a fur ball. Got it." "--and there's a handsome young ensign, just assigned to the ship. Dante Garrovick. He's the son of her former commander, Rake Garrovick, the only man she ever loved--" "I thought Mitchell was--" "--and she can never forgive herself for his death. It was a horrible death--" "Smothered by alien fur balls?" "Good idea, Julie! We can't use it for Rake's death but maybe later if we do a comic episode...Now back to the captain. She has a nephew--" "Is all this going to be in the pilot?" "Yes! All of it! Well, no, probably not. Some of it's backstory, maybe we can--Good God, Julie, just get it all down, I'll sort it out later! It's not like we're writing the Bible. Now she has this nephew--" "Name?" "Corky. Corky Crusher. He's her sister's son--" "Name?" "Skye with an E. Skye died when their planet was invaded by these horrible alien creatures that attach themselves to your spine and cause excruciating pain. But the boy survived so the captain--" "Name?" "I'm brainstorming here, Julie, stop interrupting. The captain rescues him but no one knows that he's really *her* son, fathered by Skye's husband--" "Name?" "Stag. Stag took advantage of her years ago when she had amnesia and Corky was the result. So the captain takes Corky in and gives him a home on the starship--" "A kid on a starship?" "He's not just any kid. He's very intelligent, a genius even, more than a genius, he has super-telepathic powers that he got from those aliens and now he has strange eyes, silver or something like those kids in 'Village of the Damned.'" "That's gonna cost." "Don't talk to me about cost! Everyone on the ship is afraid of Corky but the captain takes him in and--" "GENE! What's the captain's name?" He stopped swooping around the room and stared at her, a strange light in his eyes. "Kirk. Captain Jamocha Kirk." [End of part 1] -- Stephen Ratliff ASC Awards Tech Support http://www.trekiverse.us/ASCAwards/commenting/ No Tribbles were harmed in the running of these Awards ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek .creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Your use of Yahoo! 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