Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 04:12:23 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: Jungle Kitty Title: Backwards and In High Heels Author: Jungle Kitty Contact: kittyjungle @ earthlink . net Series: TOS Posted: 4/20/2004 Part: 4/5 Codes: Various characters including real people, humor Rating: PG Feedback: Yes, please. See part 1 for summary, disclaimers, and acknowledgements. *** BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS, part 4 (c) 2001-2004 Jungle Kitty "I dunno," the young security guard said as he eyed Julie suspiciously. "I'm not supposed to let unauthorized people onto the set." "But it's not in use and we need it! Please listen to me. This is an emergency. You have to let us use that set!" "Why don't you use your own set?" "It's been disassembled and put in storage until they approve the pilot. And this one is the right size and shape, and it's available!" "I dunno. If this turns out to be some bullshit prank, it'll mean my job. I can't take that kind of risk." Julie glanced down at the name sewed into his shirt. "Mr. Kyle, this is television. Risk is our business! That's what TV is all about. It's why we're on this lot!" Swept along by Julie's inspiring rhetoric, the guard cried, "You're right! By God, there's a television show at stake here!" "Yes! A *one-hour* television show! Now if you could please unlock the door..." As he began sorting through his ring of keys, Julie turned on her walkie-talkie. "Tom? We've got it. The guard is opening the door now. Any luck rounding up a crew?" "Man from Uncle was knocking off early. Their guys volunteered to help us out. I guess they miss live television." "Well, who doesn't?" Kyle asked. "Mr. Kyle, the door, the door!" Julie pleaded. He inserted a key into the lock. "Nope, not this one." "Tom, what kind of luck is Jay having with props?" "Not a lot. I told him to use the champagne from the green room. You know, to make it look like a party." "Good thinking! And Tom, when you get here, give a bottle to the security guard at the door. Over." "That's real sweet of you," Kyle said as he tried another key. "What kind of show did you say it was? Science fiction? Like Twilight Zone, right? I loved that show. You know, I had an idea for a script about an alien who steals a man's brain and uses it to run a radio station on Mars--" Another key went into the lock. "Here we go!" As the door swung open, Julie rushed past him and called back, "Sounds great, Mr. Kyle! Write it up and send it to Gene Roddenberry!" *** As the screen was filled with the image of the Enterprise approaching the galactic core, the sharp-cut suit nudged Gene and jerked his head toward the back of the room. barrier "It's Desi," he whispered. "Desi *Arnaz*?" "Shhhh! Don't look, you idiot!" "Desi Arnaz. Watching *my* pilot. If he likes it..." "...you're in like Flynn." As a tingle crawled up his spine, Gene whispered reverently, "Desi Arnaz." But his moment of rapture was cut short as the bridge of the Enterprise came up onscreen and he felt a sudden urge to invoke a stronger deity. "Oh God." "Miss Cochrane," the captain began as Zephyr handed her a cup of coffee. "It seems silly that you do nothing but wait on me. I think you're ready for some more responsibility. Why don't you sit down by Mr. Mitchell--" With a smile that was simultaneously lecherous and smooth, Lockwood turned to the young woman and patted his thigh. "Uh no," Jamocha continued. "On second thought, go sit with Lieutenant Taboo and learn about communications. Then when you're ready to take over there, she can go learn about engines. In fact--Mr. Mitchell and Mr. Kelso, switch places." By now, most of the cast had grown accustomed to Daphne's extraordinary improvisations so the navigator and pilot responded, "Aye aye, ma'am" and obeyed as if she really were the captain. "Now that I think about it, this is the perfect time for everyone to learn something new. Attention, all hands! This is the captain. I want everyone on this ship to be cross-trained in at least two other things. Over and out." Nimoy, determined not to lose a single one of his lines, stomped down to the captain's chair. "YOU HANDLED THE KLINGON COMMANDER MOST EFFECTIVELY, T'OOTSIE!" Jamocha took a thoughtful beat and then said levelly, "Mr. Spock, I have a rank. It's not T'ootsie or Sweet'ee or T'hy'la. It's captain. C-A-P-T-A-I-N. Captain. Do we understand each other?" Gene had desperately wanted to cut the scene, but it would have left the episode short by nearly a minute and they couldn't afford another expensive shot of the core writhing as it was penetrated by the starship, so he took what comfort he could in reminding himself that at least he'd been able to cut the part at the end where Nimoy looked into the camera and said, "Gene, I can't act with this." *** While what remained of the film continued running for the executives, the actors stormed the only available dressing room and began shoving each other away from the mirrors as they frantically applied makeup. Any makeup. "Do I have lines in this scene?" asked Kelley. "I'm pretty sure I have lines. Don't I make the toast? I can't remember all that. Is it all right if I just sing 'For she's a jolly good fellow'?" "I don't know," replied Lockwood. "How's your singing voice?" Mrs. Eymorg wheeled in a rack of clothing, pushed aside two of the nurses and began calling out names. "Sulu! Mitchell! Remember--no smoking in costume, people!" "You're smoking," Takei pointed out. "That's 'cause they're *my* costumes. Taboo! Scotty! Kirk! CAPTAIN KIRK!" "Oh dear, it's the wrap-around," Daphne said as Mrs. Eymorg handed her a green dress. "Sorry, hon, the gold one is ripped. I knew I shouldn't have let that Trelane kid put these away." As Daphne ducked behind a screen, Mrs. Eymorg took a blue tunic off the rack and yelled, "SPOCK!" "In the corner." Lockwood sauntered out the door, glad he was so good- looking he didn't need makeup. Nimoy was indeed in the corner, frozen with fear and very close to curling up into a catatonic ball. Nichelle took his costume from Mrs. Eymorg and went to the unhappy actor. "Leonard." She knelt down and touched his hand. "Leonard, here's your costume." "Ears..." he mumbled. "Gotta have ears..." "I'll help you with your ears. Now where are they?" Nimoy's lip trembled as he held out his hand to reveal two rubber pointed ears resting in his palm. "ACTORS, THIS IS YOUR FIVE-MINUTE CALL!" Jay's voice boomed out of the loud speaker. "FIVE MINUTES TO PLACES." "All right, Leonard." Nichelle kept her voice firm but couldn't do anything about her shaking hands. "First the left and then the right. There. You're a perfect Vulcanian." "Glue..." "We don't have time for glue." "But they'll fall off!" "No, they won't. Just stand very still." "Can't do that...Vulcanian...very animated...highly emotional! SEXUAL TURMOIL!" "Well, um..." Daphne, who had taken a seat nearby and was tugging on her left boot, leaned over and said quietly, "Leonard, I know it's a breach of etiquette to direct a fellow actor but if I may...?" "Yes, anything! Please!" "Have you considered taking your character in a different direction?" *** "How much time do we have left?" Julie asked as she sat down next to Tom in the control booth. "Three minutes to places," Tom replied, adjusting the vertical hold on one of the monitors. "I just realized something. How are we going to know when to cut in with the live feed?" "Jay's working on getting us sound from the screening room. Jay, have you got it yet?" "All set, Julie." Jay crawled out from under the board. "And now--direct from screening room three--we bring you Staaaaaar Trek, already in progress." He flipped a switch and Daphne's voice filled the room. "...I'm going to crawl through this vent and find the central power control." "But, Captain. Jamocha. You might be killed." Lockwood's tone warmed seductively. "And I think I'm in love with you." "You're not in love with me, Slate Mitchell..." Despite the tense situation, Julie, Tom, and Jay couldn't help grinning at each other as they remembered how Daphne had turned an inappropriately romantic moment into yet another display of the captain's professionalism. "...If anything, you're in love with yourself. I suggest you take that up with Dr. Adams in your next treatment. Now unpucker your lips and help me into the vent." As the audio of the captain's journey through the duct system played on, Julie looked at the monitor and saw a small crowd of strangely dressed people milling about the set, apparently very excited to be there. "Tom, who are all those people?" "Extras. Jay found them and Mrs. Eymorg dressed them." Then he added under his breath, "More or less." "But who are they? Where did they come from?" Tom pretended to search for his headset. "Well," Jay began uncomfortably. "The ones in starship uniforms are guys I know from around the lot. And the ones who look like aliens are...visitors." "From what planet?" "The game show planet," he mumbled. "What?" "They were waiting to get in to 'Let's Make a Deal.' I picked the ones that looked kind of outer-spacey--and they're really excited to be in a TV show--" "I'll bet." "Mrs. Eymorg slapped on a few bits of shiny fabric and some headgear and..." He stopped, swallowed, and added with a tentative smile, "They did their own makeup." "Julie," Tom said gently, "it's a big set. We needed to fill the space." After taking a moment to get her emotions under control, she looked Jay in the eye and said, "Jay, you're wonderful." Tearing up, she squeezed his hand and turned to Tom. "You're *both* wonderful. In fact, I think the three of us make the best team--" "Save it, Julie," Tom interrupted. "Here come the actors." *** In the screening room, Desi Arnaz frowned as Captain Kirk hoisted herself back into the vent, carrying the now-unconscious guard's phaser. "You wanted to see me, Mr. Arnaz?" Gene whispered as he approached. "She picked up the gun?" "It's a phaser, sir." "I don't care what you call it. I don't like women with weapons." "The actress improvised that." "It's not good. I'll tell you what's good. Wearing a fancy costume and pretending to be a pony--that's good. Opening a bin and lots of funny things fall out--that's good. You understand what I'm saying?" "It's a difficult concept, sir." "We learn by doing, Roddenberry." *** "Spread out, people! This is a bigger set than you're used to!" Leaning into the control booth microphone, Tom ran through the setup at a break- neck pace. "Aliens and new crewmen, fill in wherever there's an empty space! You have no lines and no business, understand? Just look at whoever's speaking and don't call attention to yourselves. Nurses, I want you on the stairs! Chalice, stand at the top--step back when the captain comes in. Cherish, go up a couple more steps! Lockwood! Get away from the champagne!" "Where are we supposed to be?" Nichelle asked. "The captain's birthday party!" "But that was in her quarters!" "Not anymore. And you have a new line. Camera One--we'll open with a closeup of Taboo. Nichelle, you say, 'Isn't the shuttlecraft hangar decorated beautifully for the captain's party?' Then Camera One, pull back to reveal the whole crew--" "--in the foyer of the Beverly Hillbillies' mansion," Jay added with a snicker. Julie shushed him. "It will be all right. They're hanging drapes, see?" She pointed at one of the monitors just as a swath of red velvet unfurled along the back wall and hit the floor with a heavy *foomp*! "--Camera Two, you'll give me a medium shot of Dr. McCoy as he says-- where's McCoy? MCCOY!" With one eye on the set and the other on the clock, Tom was talking faster with each passing second. "I'm stuck in these goddamn curtains!" came the muffled reply. "Get him out of there! The rest of you, raise your glasses when he finishes the toast. Then Daphne--are you there, Daphne?" "Right here, Tom." Daphne poked her head out from behind the wall at the top of the stairs. "Good. Then you step forward and--" "Ten seconds, Tom," Jay said. "We're counting down! Daphne, just wing it!" "Oh! Well, yes, of course." She smiled sweetly and stepped back behind the wall. As Tom put on his headset, Jay picked up the phone, dialed, and said, "Are you ready to receive our signal?" Julie took over at the microphone. "Five, four, three, two, one..." *** Wide-eyed with wonder, Lieutenant Taboo turned to Storm Scott and said, "Isn't the shuttlecraft hangar decorated beautifully for the captain's party?" "Camera One, pull back," Tom said. "And Camera Two on Dr. McCoy." The doctor cleared his throat and began singing in a quavering voice, "For she's a jolly good fellow..." As the rest of the cast joined in, Jay whispered into the phone, "Hold on, I want you to repeat that." Grinning, he held the phone to Julie's ear. "It's the guy who ran the M5 cable into the screening room for us. Buddy of mine. Listen." "--unbelievable timing. There wasn't even a break between the end of the film and the beginning of your broadcast. I don't think anyone even suspects they're watching a live scene!" "Thanks, Riley! We owe you." Jay hung up the phone. Julie gave a thumbs-up to Tom, who nodded his acknowledgement as he instructed Camera Two to move in closer on McCoy. "So let's all raise our glasses to our guest of honor, Captain Jamocha Kirk." The doctor held up his glass, glanced down at the words written on the palm of his hand and added, "We're all looking forward to serving under you for many years to come." "Camera One, pan the crew and then up to the captain," Tom said. "Thank you, Dr. McCoy, what a lovely speech." Daphne stood at the top of the stairs smiling at those gathered below. "I can't tell you all how deeply moved I am. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the recipient of so much genuine affection." "I can't believe she still remembers her lines! What a trouper!" Julie whispered. Daphne pursed her lips for a moment before she went on. "It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm going to say. Yes, I do feel it's time to set the record straight." "That's not in the script," Jay said. "Julie, she's going up!" "It's all right. If she's forgotten her lines, she'll cover it. She's a pro." "Camera Two, give me a wide shot of the party. Camera One, stay with the captain." "You see, I didn't come here just as a starship captain, I came to settle an old score. You all know that my father, Beauregard Kirk, was a Starfleet officer who was convicted of murder, but what you don't know is that he was framed by a mad scientist who programmed a computer to make it look like Commander Kirk was a heartless killer. He was drummed out of Starfleet, so he took to gambling and lost all his money in a game of fizzbin." "Fizzbin?" Jay repeated. "Camera Two, get me some reactions!" Tom ordered. "No, not those reactions! Find someone who doesn't look confused!" Camera Two closed in on Lockwood who had made his way back to the champagne, apparently nonplussed by Daphne's latest hijacking of the script. "Good," Julie said. "He's giving her credibility." "I have a feeling that's gonna take better acting chops than Lockwood's got," Jay muttered. "My mother," Daphne went on, "the lovely Miss Savannah Lee of the Jupiter Lees, took to drink and one night, she staggered out onto the dunes and fell through a rip in the fabric of space." Her voice shook a little and even Jay was moved by the understated display of emotion. "Her poor, shattered husband vowed to build a new life for himself and his daughter, and they left this galaxy seeking peace and solitude. Unfortunately their ship went off course and when they crash-landed on a desolate planet, he died and his young daughter was split into two people in a bizarre transporter accident." "This is great!" Julie exclaimed as she started taking notes. "We could run for years on this stuff!" >From Tom's perspective, the captain's mind-boggling revelations would have worked much better if the other actors hadn't been so dumbfounded that they'd forgotten such basics as 'don't bump into the furniture.' As it was, the only significant difference between the professionals and the amateurs was the absence of fear on the faces of the aliens and anonymous men in red shirts. Despite the sea of blank stares around her, Daphne soldiered on. "The aliens of that planet took pity on the two orphaned children and sent one to be raised by a tribe of gentle space-faring Cherokee. They kept the other with them and raised her as one of their own, even teaching her their mystical ways." She began moving down the stairs and Tom ordered Camera One to follow. "But her one ambition in life was to be a Starfleet officer like her father before her--" Reaching the halfway point, she smiled at Cherish. With a little shriek, the nurse stumbled away, obviously terrified that proximity might make it necessary to participate in Daphne's strange, new world. Unruffled, Daphne shifted her focus to encompass all the party guests. "--so she returned to Earth and studied and worked and studied some more until she was assigned to this very starship. And she knew she had to speak out wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity." She scanned the crowd and reached across the banister to Kelley. "God save us, you do understand that, don't you, Dr. McCoy?" "Camera Two, closeup on McCoy." "I--I--I never laid a hand on her," Kelley stammered as he backed away. With a snort of disgust, Tom ordered Camera Two to get off McCoy and onto anyone else. "Yes, you did," Daphne scolded, "and she was shunned by all the rest of you, too. In fact, you wouldn't even call her by her name. To you, she was just 'Number One.'" "Hey, wasn't that in the last pilot?" Jay asked. "Shh! I'm trying to follow this," Julie said. "You and me both." "Camera One, move in closer on the captain." "But despite your hostility, she sacrificed herself to save all your lives from a time-traveling super-human tyrant who had acquired a device that was worse than anti-matter, it was--it was--p-p-PROTO-MATTER!" "Super-human tyrant...Proto-matter...Brilliant!" Julie murmured as she scribbled. "And when she defeated that tyrant by taking a full blast of radiation to protect this very ship, afterwards you all just dropped her off at a starbase without a word of thanks and then you went on as if she'd never existed. But she was deeply deeply deeply deeply loved by her brother." "Brother?" Jay asked. "From the transporter accident!" Julie snapped. "Oh, of course." "And it was this brother who was with her when she died and to whom she transferred her soul the way the aliens had taught her. And as he held her broken lifeless body in his arms, he swore that he would follow in her footsteps and and and and and and just just just--" "She's running out of steam!" Jay said. "No, she isn't. She's--she's building up to something. Just just just just just stay with her." "I don't think we have any other choice. Camera One, hold steady." "--just just just owe it all to her! But on her terms." "Oh God, here come the terms," Jay said in a voice of despair. "*As a woman.*" Daphne held for a beat and then lifted her chin a little higher. "And just as proud to be a woman as she ever was. For I'm not Jamocha Kirk--" With a curious half-smile, Daphne peeled away her false eyelashes. "--daughter of Beauregard and Savannah Lee Kirk. No, I'm not." She removed her wig and threw it to the ground, revealing to all that the dilithium magnolia of the USS Enterprise was in reality-- "A MAN!" The shocked cries from the ensemble covered the three screams from the control booth but didn't quite obscure the sound of two boom mikes colliding and a wall giving way as Doohan fell against it. But even such contextually valid reactions were eclipsed by the dizzying camera work that suddenly panned the soundstage ceiling, a half dozen yards of red drapery, and Yeoman Cochrane's bosom before settling shakily on Granny's kitchen, where Mrs. Eymorg sat smoking. "Camera Two, give me a wide shot! Now!" Tom demanded, suddenly grateful that most of the actors had their backs to the camera since they'd dropped their characters along with their champagne glasses. "Camera One, get back on the captain!" "Oh God oh God oh God..." Julie moaned. "I'm James Kirk," the captain declared in a strong, deep voice, "her long-lost brother, the other half of her true self. I'm James Kirk, who left behind a promising career as medicine chief to search for his sister while working as an intergalactic playboy and superspy." "Camera Two, go to Chastain." "Which one's Chastain?" the camera man's voice crackled from the speaker. "Brunette! No, redhead! Whichever one hasn't fainted!" "I'm James Kirk, who learned of his sister's horrible treatment at your hands while on a secret mission to steal a formula that could make a starship invisible. I'm James Kirk, who stands before you as the keeper of his sister's spirit and who has finally vindicated her good name, and I'm not sad or vengeful, but proud and lucky and strong enough to be the woman that was the best part of my manhood. The best part of myself." It was a full three seconds before Tom could recover himself enough to call for a shot of someone other than the captain, whose earnest portrayal of pride, luck, and manly strength threatened to burst the edges of the screen. "Camera Two, go to--go to--" He frantically searched the scene, finally picking out one of the few people who was facing front and playing something other than 'gaping astonishment.' "Go to the red shirt downstage right!" The camera closed in on Mr. Kyle, who scratched the back of his head and observed to no one in particular, "This is one nutty starship." "Amen to that," Tom muttered. But he couldn't let the show end on such a staggeringly ironic understatement--from a nameless security guard, no less!--so he summoned all his courage and optimism and directed Camera One to a tight shot of Spock. As the camera moved in, Nimoy, somehow aware that this was his moment, carefully turned three-quarters front and raised his right eyebrow. "Now that's acting," Jay murmured. "Camera One, hold...and fade." His energy and creativity depleted, Tom looked to Julie. "Roll credits?" She shrugged helplessly. "Why not? I just hope my name's misspelled." *** In the screening room, Desi Arnaz, hands on his hips and his face dark with anger, slowly turned toward Gene. "Roddenberry, you got a lot of splainin' to do." [End of part 4] -- Stephen Ratliff ASC Awards Tech Support http://www.trekiverse.us/ASCAwards/commenting/ No Tribbles were harmed in the running of these Awards ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek .creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Sat Apr 24 23:58:17 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n25.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.66.81]) by vulture (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bhAKu7Ne3NZFl50 for ; Sat, 24 Apr 2004 20:56:10 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13466-1082865295-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yah