Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Sun, 25 Apr 2004 03:39:35 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: ASC Awards Title: 2003 ASC Awards Dinner Author: Rocky and Seema E-mail: roq@iname.com, seemag1@yahoo.com Part: NEW 3/8 Rating: PG-13 Codes: Everyone, everything, and including a custom-built teak kitchen sink Archive: ASC and BLTS yes, everyone else please ask. Summary: It's the end of the Awards and now it's time to party like it's Website: http://www.angelfire.com/yt/rockyroad/ , http://seema.org **** Rocky approaches Stephen, who is trading vacation ideas with Seema. "We've got a problem," she says abruptly. "I can't find Captain Kirk anywhere." "Did you look in the bar?" Seema says. "Did you check the hololounges?" Stephen asks. "Yes. And the storage closets, hallways, alcoves, shuttle bays and kitchen pantries." "Find anything?" "Yes, I did, as a matter of fact. Two cases of contraband Romulan ale--I appropriated a few bottles for 'study' to ensure they're the real thing--a troop of lost Kavarian tiger-bats, some suspicious Federation health inspectors, an irate chef who ordered us out of the kitchen immediately, one rather embarrassed Ambassador from the Thalonian Empire in an empty shuttle with an underage intern, and several misplaced communicators." "But no Kirk?" asks Seema. At the same time, Stephen asks, "Is the Ambassador gonna sue?" "No, the Ambassador is only too grateful to keep the whole matter hushed up," Rocky says, addressing Stephen first. "And no, no Kirk. I can't imagine where he could be!" "You'd better find him, fast," Seema says. "He's supposed to be presenting the first award!" "I know, I know..." Suddenly, Rocky straightens up. "*There* he is!" Kirk--dressed in his maroon movie-era uniform--is standing near the curtain, waiting politely for his name to be called. Beside him, a young woman--head bent, concealing her face--is straightening the waistband of her dress. "Captain!" Rocky exclaims. "Uh, Admiral? Where have you been?" "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," Kirk says with a smile. Before Rocky can say anything else, the band launches into an intro and overhead, a voice proclaims, "Space, the final frontier. These are the continuing adventures of James T. Kirk, his mission to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and civilizations--" "He's definitely got the 'boldly going' part down pat," Rocky mutters. Kirk steps out on stage to thunderous applause. "Thank you, thank you. It's my pleasure to be here this evening to present the awards for the category Featuring Kirk." Kirk pulls out an envelope, but just as he's about to read the first item, his communicator beeps. Flashing an apologetic smile, Kirk turns slightly away, flips it open and says, sotto voce, "I thought I told you never to call me!" Kirk listens for a moment, then interrupts. "Not now, I'm working. I'll call you later, all right?" He closes the communicator with a frown. Almost to himself, he mutters, "I...have... had...enough...of you!" He turns back to the audience. "Sorry about that. Duty calls... Ahem. "First place for Featuring Kirk goes to 'Kissing Captain Kirk Drabble Series by Lyrastar." "Second place for Featuring Kirk goes to 'A Ship's Captain' by Rocky." "Third place for Featuring Kirk goes to 'Blondie' by Acidqueen." Kirk strides offstage, his communicator in hand once more. Vic watches him go. "Busy guy, that Kirk. I wouldn't want to have *his* responsibilities! "Next up, we have the category of Featuring Spock. Please welcome these two lovely ladies, T'Pring and, uh, the Romulan Commander!" The two women come out, each eyeing the other with barely concealed distaste. "So," the Romulan Commander drawls, "you actually chose a non-entity as consort in place of *Spock*? And I suppose you think that was a logical act?" "As a matter of fact," T'Pring says coolly, "it was." She pauses for a moment. "Certainly more logical than allowing a pair of spies to steal a prototype cloaking device from my ship *and* get myself captured at the same time, all because I could not control my emotions." "I've seen pictures of your Stonn," RC says nastily, "His ears are large enough for a Ferengi." T'Pring flushes pale green. "I do not know how it is among Romulans, but among Vulcans ear size is roughly analogous to other anatomic parameters, similar to shoe size among Humans." "Of course you would hardly know from personal experience, considering how you threw him over, but I can assure you that Spock is hardly deficient in that area--" Vic steps in hastily. "Ladies, please? You do have a job to do." "Yes," says RC. "Of course. *Some* of us know all about doing our duty and not allowing our personal desires to get in the way." T'Pring gives her a look that could freeze a warp core, but opens the envelope. "First place for Featuring Spock goes to 'Changing the Rules' by Acidqueen." RC steps up. "Second place for Featuring Spock goes to 'Gillian Weep Not' by Linda McInnis." Without giving her rival a chance, RC concludes, "Third place for Featuring Spock goes to 'Sarpeidon Chronicles' by Nocturnis1." Christine Chapel makes her entrance on stage. Her hair is streaky ash blond, her eyes pale blue and her dress a vivid peach. And if you're not seeing these colors exactly, then you're obviously not watching this broadcast on a Tri-Zenith monitor... Back from commercial, Vic announces, "Here to present the awards for TOS General Pairing, Nurse Chapel!" "Thank you, but it's Doctor," Chapel says. "Really?" Vic says. "I never knew that." "You didn't know I gave up a promising career in research to go into space to search for my long-lost fiancé, the brilliant if ultimately unstable Roger Korby?" "No, I--" "Or after the original five year mission I went to medical school and eventually ended up in charge of Starfleet Medical?" "Uh--" "Or that during my time on the Enterprise I practically ran Sickbay, making sure everything went smoothly?" Chapel yells. "That Doctor McCoy couldn't have functioned a single day without me? And that I was supposed to be CMO on the refitted ship before V'ger showed up?" "That's all very--" Her voice rising ever higher and more shrill, Chapel says, "You thought I was just some stupid bimbo, didn't you?!" "No, no, I would never--" "Fine," Chapel says, "I'm glad we got that straightened out." Vic carefully eases away, muttering, "Where did they find these dames?" All business now, Chapel takes out the envelope. "First place for TOS General Pairing goes to 'Reunification' by Lyrastar." "Second place for TOS General Pairing goes to 'A Tail of Wayward Love' by Lyrastar." "Third place for TOS General Pairing goes to 'Posing With Baked Goods' by Jungle Kitty." "And now," says Vic, "a man who needs no introduction--" he breaks off as Dr. M'Benga approaches. "Actually, pally, I think you do, if you're here to present the awards for the category of Featuring McCoy." M'Benga smiles; he's heard it all before. "I'm one of the other doctors assigned to the Enterprise. You didn't think he was the only physician on board, did you? When Dr. McCoy isn't available, I'm in charge of Sickbay--along with Christine, of course." "Right," Vic snaps his fingers. "You're the guy who was in charge of Spock's care when he was wounded on Tyree's planet! You slugged him, as I recall." "I helped him come out of the Vulcan healing trance," M'Benga corrects. "Like Vic said, you slugged him," McCoy says, hurrying onstage, his bow tie still somewhat askew. "One of the few things you could envy me for, eh, Leonard?" asks M'Benga with a wink. "Definitely. It's one of my few regrets--right up there with reconnecting Spock's vocal cords the time those Eymorg women stole his brain." "Well," says M'Benga, "All kidding aside, I've certainly envied you--Chief Medical Officer on the best ship in the 'Fleet, innovator and developer of countless treatments and surgical procedures, a man who could practically 'cure a rainy day'..." All of the praise is clearly making McCoy uncomfortable. "Yes. Well, we haven't got all day here, M'Benga. Don't we have some awards to present?" "Yes, we do." M'Benga hands him the envelope. "I'm a doctor, not an orator, but I just want to say I'm touched at being the subject of so many fine stories. It's always nice to be appreciated." McCoy opens the envelope and reads. "First place for Featuring McCoy goes to 'Classic Education' by Acidqueen." "Second place for Featuring McCoy goes to 'Under These Circumstances' by Hypatia Kosh." "Third place for Featuring McCoy goes to 'Mirror Cracked' by T'Lin." McCoy and M'Benga exit, along with the winners, and the band launches into another brief musical interlude. Once again, the camera takes the opportunity to pan over the audience, settling on Lyrastar who is engaged in conversation with Jungle Kitty and Pinetrees. Meanwhile, a waiter serves drinks to T'Lin and Acidqueen. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock, to present the awards for Kirk/Spock Pairing." The two men come out, wearing their familiar uniforms from the original five year mission. Kirk's hair is boyishly tousled and Spock is regarding him fondly. "When two people have served together as long as we have, you get to know each other very well," Kirk says to his 'number one.' "Inside and out," Spock agrees. Kirk smiles. "I know I can always trust you to watch my back." "It seems to me other parts of the anatomy would be a more appropriate--" Spock begins. "Spock, it's a figure of speech." "Ah, then you did not mean for me to take it literally," Spock says with a nod. "In the same vein, Captain, may I assume that when you spoke of singing this evening you did not mean it literally either?" "Why, what's wrong with my singing?" Kirk says. "Have you even heard me?" "Yes. In the shower. Many times. And I must say that you are an excellent starship commander, but as a singer you leave much to be desired." Kirk looks momentarily hurt, but then his mouth sets in typical Kirkian bravado and determination. He gives a signal to the band, who immediately launch into the opening chords of a certain 20th century song. "I'm too sexy for my hat, what do you think of that--" "You are not wearing a hat, Captain." "I'm too sexy for my shirt--" "Really, Captain, this action must cease at once--" Spock seizes hold of Kirk's shoulder, perhaps in an effort to apply the famous Vulcan nerve pinch. Instead, the fabric tears away in his hand, exposing the right side of Kirk's chest. A loud gasp goes up from the audience as Kirk's nipple is revealed--only partially obscured by a silver ring in the shape of a Starfleet Delta symbol. Klaxons begin sounding and red lights flashing. Backstage, Seema covers her eyes and moans. "I swear, I didn't know this was going to happen!" Rocky protests. "There was no hint of this in the rehearsals!" Several MACOS, phase pistols at the ready, rush up. "Ready for action, ma'am!" their leader says with a crisp salute. Close on their heels are a contingent of Starfleet security led by Worf, and a team of Bajorans led by Odo. "Stand down," Rocky says, recovering. "All of you. This isn't--shut those alarms off!" She is about to order the deactivation of the force field covering the stage when she sees that although several female members of the audience have fainted dead away at the sight of Kirk's bare chest, others are attempting to storm the platform. Unsurprisingly, Jungle Kitty is leading the charge. "Will someone please toss the Captain another shirt?" There follows a few seconds of footage of chaotic scuffles, then cut to a screen bearing the United Federation of Planets Logo. A voice over says, "Please stand by. We are experiencing technical difficulties, but hope to have the matter resolved soon. Please stand by--" The scene changes to the stage at the awards dinner. Kirk is wearing an oddly colored sweater which is a little large on him, and there are some empty seats in the audience. Peace and quiet restored once more, Kirk says, "I guess we'd better get right to the awards." "A most wise suggestion," Spock says in agreement. "First place for Kirk/Spock Pairing goes to 'Sour News' by Hypatia Kosh." Kirk takes up the envelope. "Second place goes to 'Gemini Setting' by Lyrastar." Spock looks at Kirk. "Shall we present the last one together?" Kirk smiles. "An excellent idea." In unison they say, "And finally, third place for Kirk/Spock Pairing goes to 'From the Depths' by Lyrastar." Vic Fontaine waits till the applause dies down. "And now it's time to introduce the *other* great buddy duo from TOS--Captain Hikaru Sulu and Commander Pavel Chekov!" "I always like coming back to present at the awards dinner," Sulu says, stepping up to the mike. He is wearing his uniform from the sixth movie. Chekov, in contrast, is wearing his black leather jacket and pants from the fourth movie. "You mean you like coming back, period," Chekov says slyly. "What do you mean by that?" Sulu asks. "Nothing." "I'll have you know that my proposal for a canon Captain Sulu series--" "Oh please," Chekov says, rolling his eyes. "I know this is the humor section, but if you think that anyone takes that seriously--other than fanfic--Sulu, it's become a running joke." "Well, if it is it's a much better one than your constant, 'this was invented by Russians' line," Sulu snaps back. "It doesn't matter what we're talking about, you always say the same thing. Jeez, it's as bad as the Klingons claiming they wrote Shakespeare." "Now that *is* ridiculous," Chekov agrees. "Because everyone knows that William Shakespeare was Russian." The drummer gives him a rim shot. Sulu has the grace to smile. "OK, Pavel, that was actually pretty funny." Chekov takes out the envelope. "Then on with the show, eh? First place for Humor goes to 'Queer Eye For The Straight Captain' by PineTrees." Sulu says, "Second place for Humor goes to 'Sibs' by Trekkigrrl." Perhaps as an apology (or thinking of Sulu's propensity to act out samurai fantasies), Chekov allows his former shipmate to present the last award as well. "Third place goes to 'The Job Interview' by PineTrees." A phalanx of Klingon soldiers elbow their way on to the stage. Vic opens his mouth, then wisely steps aside. Even holograms aren't immortal, after all. The Klingons are dressed in typical fashion--lots of leather and pieces of metal. Their hair is shaggy, their teeth jaggedly uneven--and their brows are ridged. Backstage, Seema looks puzzled. "Are you sure these are the right guys?" "What do you mean?" Rocky asks. "I thought TOS Klingons had smooth foreheads." "They did," Rocky says. "These guys don't. Do you want to explain?" "I can't," Rocky says. "Sure you can." "No, I really can't. I have no idea what happened," Rocky says. "Say, you're friendly with Worf--haven't you ever asked him?" Seema sighs. "Apparently, they don't discuss it with outsiders." "I bet he doesn't know either," Rocky says in a sudden flash of inspiration. "After all, he was raised among Humans--" "But that still doesn't explain how the *same guys* with smooth foreheads in TOS suddenly show up with ridges a few years later," Seema interrupts. "It says here that the main presenter is Koloth, an old adversary of Kirk's. Which means we've got pictures of him on file looking entirely different than he does now." "I know that," Rocky says. "But do *you* want to be the one to ask him that?" Seema thinks it over for a few seconds. "I'll take that as a no," Rocky says. Onstage now, the Klingon honor guard parts, allowing their commander, a venerable hale and hearty warrior to step forward. "I am Koloth," he thunders. The Klingons bang their ba'atleths on the floor in approval. Backstage, Rocky calls for security--just as a precaution, of course. "I am Koloth! I am here tonight to partake of the honor of your awards. It is a noble venture, to continue the bold adventures of the glorious Klingon Empire! And of its one-time foe but now ally, United Federation of Planets, of course." Koloth pauses, as if waiting for something. An alert technician flashes the "Applause" sign; the audience responds accordingly. Koloth smiles, pleased. Rocky holds up a hand, keeping the security squad in check. With a little luck, their services may not be needed tonight after all. Koloth holds out his hand, and one of his soldiers hands him an envelope. Koloth rips it open with his teeth, and spits the shredded paper out on the floor. He then declares, "First place for TOS General Story goes to 'Eugenics War: Opening Gambit' by Sisko2374." Koloth continues, "Second place for TOS General Story goes to 'First Victory' by Sisko2374." "Finally," Koloth says, "Third place for TOS General Story goes to 'Honesty' by Randy Landers." Koloth thumps the winners on the back in token of congratulations and then leads his troops offstage where an alert flunky is waiting to direct them to a hololounge where several complimentary kegs of bloodwine await them. "Our next presenter," Vic says, "is the lovely and talented Commander Nyota Uhura!" Uhura comes out in a stunning evening gown, carrying Spock's Vulcan lyre. "Hello, everyone," she says. "I'm here to present the awards for TOS Filk/Poem. And speaking of music..." She tunes the lyre and then stops. "But I understand the organizers are concerned about running too late and since I've already had the opportunity to play to a captive audience once--" "Do the fan dance!" yells a member of the audience. "Just like you did in the fifth movie!" Backstage, Rocky hastily disconnects the red alert klaxons, fearing a repeat of what happened when Kirk and Spock were onstage earlier. Sara pokes her head in. "Have you seen Seema or Stephen? There's a group of Bajoran Vedeks outside who want to register a protest at the improper content of our broadcast." Fortunately, Uhura shakes her head and declines to repeat her famous performance. "Boy, have you got a wrong number!" "No 'letting it all hang out'?" another person calls out. "Sorry, not tonight," Uhura says with a smile. There are huge signs of relief backstage. The Bajoran Vedeks, however, look rather disappointed. In her business-like, 'hailing frequencies are open' voice, Uhura goes on to say, "First place for TOS Filk/Poem goes to 'I Will Revive' by Jemima." "Second place for TOS Filk/Poem goes to 'You Cause Pain' by Rob Morris." "Third place for TOS Filk/Poem goes to 'TOS Fanfic' by Rob Morris." Vic offers Uhura his arm and escorts her offstage himself. The overhead loudspeaker announces, "Please welcome Commodore Matt Decker and Captain Will Decker to present the awards for Empty Shell Challenge." Matt Decker stalks on to the stage, scowling. "Is this someone's twisted idea of a joke?" Will tries to placate him. "Calm down, Dad." "Calm down. Right." The senior Decker is livid. "Empty Shell, my ass-- they want me to present an award glorifying the thing which killed my crew!" "But you won in the end, Dad," Will reminds him. "By ramming a shuttlecraft down its maw, you showed Kirk how to destroy the planet killer." "Yeah, Kirk always did get the credit," Matt grumbles, still not happy. "And it was *my* ship he took--" "Tell me about it," Will says, rolling his eyes. "The point is, Dad, this challenge represents a triumph over the 'Doomsday Machine.' Look at some of the more 'creative' uses these talented writers put it to." "You've got a point there, son." Matt takes the envelope abruptly from Will, who is left standing with his mouth open. "All right then, first place for the Empty Shell Challenge goes to 'Poppies' by Jungle Kitty." Matt says, "Second place for the Empty Shell Challenge goes to 'Scow' by Sisko2374." "Third place for the Empty Shell Challenge goes to 'Double Dipped' by Stephanie Watson." Matt looks at Will. "Oh, sorry, did you want to do one?" Will sighs. "Never mind, Dad. I'm used to being pushed aside." Vic Fontaine applauds politely as the Deckers exit. "Our next award is for TOS Drabbles, folks. Here to present is Captain Montgomery Scott!" The audience responds enthusiastically as Scotty, a bit heavier and grayer than in his glory days, but still as twinkling with good cheer as ever. "And so, lassie," Scotty is saying to the pretty young woman who has escorted him out, "'tis one of the great mysteries of the ages. But I'll be glad to oblige ye--" "Thanks, Scotty," she says. "But I think I'll have to wait till some other time to find out what Scotsmen keep under their kilts." "Right, duty calls," Scotty says. He straightens himself up. "Nice to see all of you tonight. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves as much as I am." Calls of 'yes' and 'no' ring out from the audience. At least one person yells, "Beam me up, Scotty!" "Ah, I can't be doing that without a transporter," Scotty chides. "Besides, if you left now you'd be missing out on so much--especially finding out which are the winning drabbles!" Scotty fumbles in his jacket pocket. "Now where did I put that wee beastie--ah! Here it is." He clears his throat impressively. "First place for TOS Drabbles goes to 'Red Alert' by Alex Voy." "Second place for TOS Drabbles goes to 'Rock Candy' by Ventura33." "Third place for TOS Drabbles goes to 'Variation on a Lyrastar Theme - Kissing Up To Captain Kirk: Chekov' by PineTrees." A large Gorn emerges from the wings and takes center stage. It is large, scaly and green, clad in a close fitting brown tunic, through the belt of which are thrust several nasty looking weapons. Turning its shiny silver eyes on the audience (many of whom have taken a few steps back in alarm), the Gorn opens his mouth. Several hissing noises are heard, but no discernible words. "Audio," Rocky says into her comm badge, "we need a hook up with the Universal Translator *now*!" In mid-sentence the hisses suddenly turn into Federation Standard. "--only appropriate for me to be here to present the awards for Challenge Stories, as it was I who met Captain Kirk in the Metron challenge for dominance between our two species." The Gorn pulls out the envelope. "First place for TOS Challenge goes to 'Imperialism' by Bill Livingston." "Second place for TOS Challenge goes to 'Diversionary Strike' by PineTrees." "Third place for General Challenge goes to 'Oh Yeah' by PineTrees." After the Gorn has exited, two flunkies come out and unroll a strip of red carpet on the stage. "Who are we expecting, the Queen of England?" asks Vic. "Nope," says Rocky, watching as a dais is brought in, followed by several retainers who take up their positions nearby. "But you're on the right track." The overhead loudspeaker announces, "His Excellency, Lord Khan Noonien Singh." A hush falls over the audience, followed by cries of "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" led by Jemima Pereira. Khan smiles, pleased, as he ascends the dais. "It is well to be recognized as the superior specimen of humanity that I am. Even outside of the region of space in which I have made my mark." He looks around. "This is not Ceti Alpha V! But it will do--yes, it will do." A woman kneels at his side. "Lord Khan--" "Yes, Marla?" "Do you require my presence any longer?" "You may go or stay," Khan says, as if not terribly interested, "as long as it is what you *choose* to do. But I had hoped you were made of sterner stuff." Marla retreats. Khan doesn't waste another glance in her direction. Instead, he holds out his hand, and an aide immediately places an envelope in his palm. "I am here to present the award for TOS Author," Khan says. "The historians of the future, who spin stories of my great and glorious career--and of other characters as well. They perform an invaluable service. "First place for TOS Authors goes to Jungle Kitty." "Second place for TOS Authors goes to Lyrastar." "Third place for TOS Authors goes to PineTrees." Khan grandly steps off the dais and sweeps off the stage. -- Stephen Ratliff ASC Awards Tech Support http://www.trekiverse.us/ASCAwards/commenting/ No Tribbles were harmed in the running of these Awards ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek .creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Sun Apr 25 00:37:00 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n26.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.66.82]) by eagle (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bhBjF6Dm3NZFji1 for ; Sat, 24 Apr 2004 21:32:31 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13492-1082867549-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yah