Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Sun, 23 May 2004 11:11:37 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: "Heather Smyth" Title: Alone Inside Author: Heather Smyth Series: TNG Part: 9/? Rating: R Code: P/C Disclaimer: Paramount owns all Startrek and I derive no financial gain from this story...just a little fun. Summary: See part one. Later that afternoon Jean-Luc was reading in his room when he became aware of another presence in his room. Looking up, he smiled when he spied his visitor. "Guinan, come in." "Hello Picard, how are you?" "Oh I'm fine." "No you're not." Jean-Luc bridled and closed his book firmly. "I beg your pardon?" Guinan stepped further into the room and settled comfortably into a chair. "You're not fine, you're worried." "Really? About what?" "The Borg." Jean-Luc blanched at the very mention of the name. He felt a tremble begin in his hands and angrily closed them into fists. "Nonsense!" "Picard it's me you're talking to. How much sleep are you getting?" He turned his head slightly, peering at his visitor. "Enough." "Bullshit. What about the nightmares?" "Look Guinan Beverly says." "I know what she says, I'm asking you." He stared defiantly at her before frowning. "They're getting better. I haven't slipped into that.state.again." "But you still dream of the Borg." Her calmness was in direct contrast to his anger. "Yes dammit! I still dream of the Borg! So what?" "What have you told Troi."? Jean-Luc closed his eyes and took a calming breath. Feeling more in control, he opened his eyes and spoke gently. "Look Guinan, everything is in hand. Deanna and I are working through some issues and I'm confident that we can resolve these.problems.I've been having." "That only works if you tell her the truth." The anger returned in a flash and with it his harsh voice. "For fuck's sake, what would you have me say? I can't sleep? I don't want to be alone? I'm fucking afraid all the time?" Guinan calmly clasped her hands on her lap and straightened her back. "That would do for a start." "Well it's not going to happen! I'm fine and I will get through this! Now if you've nothing better to do, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave!" Guinan shook her head as she stood. Picking a non-existent speck of lint from her gown, she looked down at the fuming Captain. "I'll go Picard, but we both know you won't get better until you come clean with Troi." Jean-Luc sneered and muttered, "Just go." The silence in the room was deafening after she left. Jean-Luc threw the book across the room with all the strength he could muster then lowered his head into his hands. Two hours later Beverly went into his room to find him asleep in the bed. Frowning at finding him asleep at that time of day, she lowered the lights and made sure the monitors were on before leaving him while she retrieved a book. During her absence, she was waylaid by a nurse wanting her opinion on something and she didn't hear the alarm when it sounded. Some moments later, she was once again on her way to his room when the alarm became evident as she approached the door. She ran the remaining distance to his side to find him on the floor curled up in a ball. When she shook his shoulder, his body lost its rigidity and became a loose bag of bones. Drool slipped from his slack mouth and when Beverly checked his eyes, they had rolled back in his head. "Selar!" The Vulcan came at the run to find her fellow medic holding the Captain's head. "He's catatonic! Get Troi!" Selar went to get some help and called Deanna as she went. She returned with three nurses and together they lifted Jean-Luc back onto the bed. Deanna was out of breath when she arrived. "What happened?" Beverly swept her hair out of the way. "He was sleeping when I checked on him. I thought it was unusual, but I went to get a book. I was delayed and didn't hear the alarm. I found him on the floor, over there in the corner, curled up in a ball and when I touched him he went slack." "We can assume it was a nightmare then?" "Yes the monitor showed chaotic activity." Deanna watched the comatose Captain for a moment then spoke her mind. "I think we'd better bring him out of this quickly, don't you?" "Yes. Selar will you get the drug?" The Doctor nodded and left, soon returning with a loaded hypospray. Beverly took it and calibrated the dose. She pressed it to Jean-Luc's neck and pressed the trigger. It was only seconds before Deanna felt his presence return. His body stiffened and his face contorted. "Ahhh! No STOP! God please no more.no more please.please I can't." "Jean-Luc it's Deanna, it was a dream, just a dream.wake up.please Captain, wake up!" Jean-Luc's hands flew to his head as he screamed in agony. Beverly took his face in her hands and yelled, "Jean-Luc wake up!" His screaming paused and he drew another breath. Beverly called again, "Jean-Luc! It's Beverly.for God's sake wake up!" He hesitated and Deanna heard him in her mind. "Beverly?" "Yes Captain it's Beverly. You were having a nightmare, but it's over now. It's time to wake up." On the bed, his body relaxed and his face softened. He lowered his hands and opened his eyes. Beverly's hands were still either side of his face as she stared intently down at him. "Beverly? What.?" "Shh Jean-Luc, it's all right now. Just relax everything's ok now." Suddenly he grabbed her hands, his eyes opening wide. "Beverly.the Borg! You must." "No Jean-Luc it was a dream, just a dream. You're safe now, in Sick Bay. It' s ok." His eyes filled with tears and his jaw trembled. "There's no Borg?" "No Jean-Luc no Borg." "Oh God Beverly.they.they." Her own eyes brimming with unshed tears; she sat on the bed and took the distressed man into her arms. "I know my love, I know, but they're gone now.all gone." Jean-Luc started to sob, his breath hiccuping and catching in his throat. He lifted his arms and wound them around Beverly and clung to her as if his very life was hanging in the balance. In many ways it was. Some time later, Selar, Deanna and Beverly watched as the sleeping Captain sighed. His head twitched but he showed no signs of distress. It was Deanna who spoke. "He's obviously been withholding a lot from me." Beverly huffed and straightened his bedcovers. "So what else is new? I wouldn't mind betting." ".That he's been having trouble all along?" "Guinan? What are you doing here?" "My friend needed me." "Your friend.you mean the Captain?" "Yes. I came to see him earlier. We talked." Beverly offered the enigmatic woman a chair. She seated herself regally and adjusted her gown. Deanna asked the obvious. "What did you talk about?" "Oh things, you know. He told me he's not sleeping well, he's afraid to be alone and he's frightened all the time." Deanna stood, her hands on her hips. "He just came out and told you all that?" "Well let's just say.I encouraged him." "Why the hell would he withhold that from me? For God's sake doesn't he want to recover?" "Picard is an unusual man." "Guinan I know how special the Captain is." "No, you misunderstand me. He's unusual. The normal rules don't apply to him. Why do you think he's been able to recover form so much trauma in the past? Surely you must see that it takes an exceptional man to achieve that? Beverly you know him better than most.what do you think?" Beverly stood and went to his side. After some thought, she replied, "I think he's shielding me. I think he somehow thinks he's protecting me from something." Guinan nodded sagely. "I agree with you. Now what would be the best treatment for him at this time?" Without hesitation Beverly answered. "Absolute honesty. He would accept nothing else." "Exactly. If he feels your withholding anything from him, he'll clam up and you'll get absolutely nothing from him." The two women's eyes met and Beverly's widened. "Guinan surely you don't mean I should tell him about the baby? It's too soon!" Guinan shook her head and smiled lopsidedly. "He already knows. On some level, somehow, he knows something's amiss. Why else would he not be honest with Deanna? Maybe when you touched him that first time, I don't know, but I can tell you he knows and he resents you withholding it." Deanna folded her arms and sighed. "Beverly it makes sense." "No it doesn't!" "Beverly." "No! I will not have this conversation with him now. It's too soon; he's already got more than enough on his plate. Maybe later, when he's recovered." Guinan stood in preparation to leaving. "Don't you see Doctor? If you don't tell him he won't recover. Are you prepared for that?" She glided from the room leaving three thoughtful women in her wake. Sometime later that evening Jean-Luc awoke to find Beverly dozing in a chair beside his bed. He sighed and smiled, but the good humour fled as he recalled his nightmare. His whispered, "Mon Dieu." was heard by Beverly and her eyes snapped open. "Jean-Luc?" He closed his eyes and mustered a smile. "It's all right.I'm fine." Beverly frowned and checked the monitors. Finding nothing amiss she stood and gently brushed the back of her hand down his face. "You need to shave." He raised a hand and rubbed it over his stubbled jaw. "Hmm." "How do you feel? And don't say fine. I know for a fact that you must feel like a dog's breakfast." He smirked, stifling a chuckle. "Beverly where do you get these sayings? I've never heard." "Just answer the question Jean-Luc!" He raised his eyebrows at her sharp tone and replied in kind. "All right fine! I feel like shit! I'm tired and scared.there! Are you satisfied?" "NO! Why did it take another nightmare and a bout of catatonia to drag that from you? For God's sake Jean-Luc." The Captain took a calming breath and reached for her hand. "Look I know I can be a little.reticent. I'll try harder.all right?" "It's Troi you should be saying that to. You scared six months growth out of me Jean-Luc! Tell me you'll be honest with Deanna.please?" Bowing to the inevitable, he nodded. "Very well, I will be the epitome of lucid thought. She will know my every secret. Now how about you?" Beverly stared at him with trepidation. "What about me?" "Well if I have to be honest with Deanna you have to be honest with me." "What do you mean?" "Oh I don't know! How is my treatment going.what is my prognosis.what haven' t you told me?" "What? Nothing! There's nothing I haven't told you. Your treatment is on schedule and your prognosis is excellent. It's you who's been withholding things." Somewhat taken aback, Jean-Luc squeezed her hand. "Hey there's no need to get upset. I just felt you'd not been completely honest with me, that's all." "And on what do you base this feeling?" Now Jean-Luc was worried. Beverly was upset and he didn't know why. Cautiously he said, "I don't know.I just feel it." "Well your feelings are unfounded! You know I've never been anything but honest with you and I resent any implication to the contrary!" "Beverly.calm down.I didn't mean to imply.look let's just forget it all right?" The irate Doctor took a deep breath and reined in her temper. Seeing that she was upsetting her patient, she changed the subject. "Are you up to a bit of therapy?" "What?" "I want to exercise your arm. How about it?" "Very well." Leaving him momentarily, she retrieved a bottle and squeezed some of the contents onto her hand. Warming the liquid, she took his arm and began to massage it with long firm strokes. As she worked, he regained his equilibrium and he soon fell into the rhythm of her strong hands. When the muscles and sinews were warmed and loose, she began a series of stretches designed to facilitate strength and mobility. "Make a fist, then release it." He did as she requested, repeating the movement four more times. He sighed with contentment as she extended the massage to his tense shoulders. His voice rumbled in his chest. "I've missed your touch." It was such a simple statement, but said with heartfelt earnestness. Beverly stilled her hands and cupped his chin, lifting his head. She leaned forward and kissed him tenderly, trying to impart all her love for him with the touch of her lips. He hesitated then returned the kiss in kind, his tongue gently requesting admittance. She opened to him slowly as his arms came up to encircle her. Twisting slightly sideways, he encouraged her to lie with him on the bed and she did, deepening the kiss. His hands explored her back as the passion rose between them. One of his hands drifted down to her buttocks and pulled her hard against him. Feeling his evident arousal, she moaned into his mouth. His hand crept up and cupped her breast as he broke the kiss. "I take it we can lock the door?" Reality slammed into Beverly and she gasped. "What? No.no we can't." She sat up and made to leave the bed. Jean-Luc grabbed her arm and tried to catch her eye. "Beverly? What is it?" "Jean-Luc we can't.not here!" "Why not? I'll admit it's not the most romantic of locales, but if we're quiet.it is the night shift isn't it?" Shaking free of his grasp, Beverly left the bed and straightened her uniform. "I am not going to make love to you here! What were you thinking?" "What was I thinking? You kissed me remember!" "Well that's just typical! One kiss and you expect sex! I've a good mind to." "To what? Make my life more miserable? I just thought." Beverly's tone was cutting. "Thought? I don't think so. You want miserable? Fine! You can just stew in your own juice mister. I've got better things to do than mollycoddle you!" With that she turned on her heel and stormed out. She'd almost reached her office when her words repeated themselves in her mind. She stopped dead in her tracks and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh God what was I thinking?" She retraced her steps and re-entered his room. He was lying on his side with the lights lowered. "Jean-Luc?" In a quiet voice he answered. "Go away Beverly." He sounds so tired, she thought. She stepped into the room and went to his side. Gently rubbing his shoulder she sighed. "Jean-Luc I'm sorry.I didn't mean what I said. Can we start again.please?" He was still a moment until his shoulders rose in an expansive sigh. He turned onto his back and looked up at his best friend. "Beverly.what just happened?" "I don't know." "Yes you do. Something's wrong." Beverly sat on the bed and took his hands in hers. "It's nothing Jean-Luc. I've been under a bit of stress lately.I'm a bit hormonal right now, I'm sure it will settle soon." He gave Beverly his 'really' look but refrained from arguing. "All right, I'll accept that, but I still think." Beverly loosened one hand and put her fingers to his lips, silencing him. "Shh Jean-Luc. No more. You get some sleep. I'll sit with you." He thought about remonstrating with her, but eventually had to admit he was tired. He made himself comfortable as Beverly secured a chair and, as he drifted off, he wondered what could be bothering her. Two days later he was beginning to feel angry.again. Deanna' s mental probing was wearing thin and he was losing his patience. "Look, let's just say the whole thing was upsetting and leave it at that!" "Captain you know that doesn't cover." "Doesn't it? I'm the one who was assimilated. It was me who was taken from my own Bridge, surgically mutilated and used as a weapon against our own people. Don't you think I'm intimately aware of what they did to me?" Deanna lowered her head and let his anger wash over her. Re-aligning her mental barriers, she gathered her thoughts and tried again. "Captain Picard, no one is trying to suggest that you're not fully cognizant of what happened to you. My point is.you still harbour fear and unresolved fury for the Borg.and that's perfectly understandable.but we need to deal with those feelings, otherwise they will continue to surface at times of stress." Jean-Luc stood and strode around the room, his hands cutting the air. "Can't you teach me some technique.some sort of mental discipline.that I could employ to negate these.episodes?" "The short answer is no. In time, I will teach you some methods of regaining mental balance, but for now you have to do the hard work and tell me exactly what you feel." "What I feel?" His laugh was bitter. "Counsellor you have no idea." "Tell me." He stood in the centre of the room staring at the petite woman. Sighing, he sat in the chair and ran his hands over his bald head. When he was ready, he began. "When I came to and found that prosthesis on my arm I panicked. My first thought was that I'd been re-assimilated and the idea terrified me. I couldn 't face it again Counsellor.I would rather die than go through that again. After they sedated me, the nightmares began. It was the whole experience all over again and I was trapped.doomed to relive it over and over.they woke me but the terror didn't dissipate. It stayed, dogging my thoughts, infiltrating my mind and I became angry. I was angry it was happening again and I was furious I had no control whatsoever over it. Each time I lost control the fury grew, as did the fear. I began to see Borg in the shadows and I feared for my sanity. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I just tried to function.to live with what was going on in my mind. Eventually I became exhausted and sleep claimed me, despite my efforts and I slipped into catatonia. I was trapped in an unending nightmare from which I couldn't escape. Will told me about the neural inducers.I owe him a great deal for that, he may well have saved my sanity. The thing is.I had absolutely no control. From the moment I saw the prosthesis I was doomed. How do I feel about that? I'll tell you Counsellor.I'm appalled!" He lowered his head into his hands and sat quietly. Deanna weighed his words and gently called him. "Captain?" He raised his tired eyes and fixed his gaze upon her. "Have you ever had that reaction to anything else? A prosthesis on someone else perhaps, or a picture of a Borg?" His voice ragged, he closed his eyes and shook his head. "No." "Since your recovery, have you had trouble with nightmares?" He sat up and rubbed his hands on his thighs. "Not really. There are times.when I'm very tired or under great stress.it happens occasionally." "Why didn't you ever tell me?" "Because I didn't think it was necessary. Look Counsellor I think the occasional nightmare is small price to pay for what happened. You don't think I was going to come away completely unscathed did you?" "No Sir but had you been more honest with me we may have prevented what happened recently." He looked up and frowned deeply. "Counsellor.Deanna. I don't think." "No really Captain. You've obviously been nurturing a hatred for the Borg that had festered with time and has only now emerged. What do you think we should do about it?" He stared at her and shrugged his shoulders diffidently. "I've no idea." Deanna stood and held out her hand. "Well I do! Come on Captain, we're going to see Beverly." -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! 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