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Date: Sun, 06 Jun 2004 23:38:37 -0400
Subject: [ASC] NEW TOS: The Lost Years: New Heading 1/4 [PG-13] Slayer Series
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Posted: 5 Jun 2004 19:59:08 -0700  
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From: djinn@djinnslair.com (Djinn) 
 

TITLE: The Lost Years: New Heading (Slayer Series)
AUTHOR: Djinn
CONTACT: djinn@djinnslair.com http://www.djinnslair.com
SERIES: TOS
RATING: PG-13
CODES: Ch, K, S, U, Others
PART: 1/4
SUMMARY: The eleventh and final segment in the Lost Years series. I
together (and ripping them apart).
Thanks to Rabble Rouser and Trekki for the beta!



"Our orders are coming in now, sir."  Uhura looked over at Kirk.

He tried to erase the deep frown he'd been wearing most of the day,
but could tell he was barely successful at turning it into something
more neutral.  "And where are we to go?"

"Nogura says 'Captain's discretion,' sir.  The message says you know
the priorities."  Her eyebrow rose.

Kirk shook his head.  "Best speed to Vega Hydra.  Have the science
team start the sensor sweeps as soon as we're there."  He knew there'd
be nothing left to find there, not after so much time had passed since
the big battle.  But he had to at least look like he was trying to
find Kirsu.  If he wanted to keep the ship.

Uhura nodded, turned back to her board.  

Kirk paced behind her, moving around the bridge and stopping here and
there to watch the new stations.  He was still learning the ship, and
making no bones about needing to catch up.  He'd been caught with his
pants down too many times, and he didn't have a Decker to pull them
back up for him anymore.

He walked over to Spock's station.  "I presume Chris filled you in."

"She did, Jim."  Spock looked up at him.  "It is doubtful that there
is any residue of the slayers' comings and goings.  But I have made
sure that the sensor sweeps will not find any trace of the portals
opening, while at the same time making it appear that we are engaging
in a good faith effort to find Kirsu."

Kirk found himself grinning.  Hearing his name so easily from Spock. 
And playing these games again.  It was just like old times.  Almost.

Spock let an eyebrow rise.  "Christine can get to Kirsu at any time,
of course."

"I know that, and you know that.  Let's make sure that no one else
finds out."

Spock nodded.  

Kirk almost asked him how his evening went with Chris, then bit the
words back.  He wasn't that big a masochist.  Although he thought that
some part of him wanted to hear that Spock and she had fallen into bed
their first night together so that he could just quit hoping.

He'd spent the entire night listening for his chime, knowing that it
was foolish.  She'd either been with Spock last night or safely tucked
away in her own bed.  He'd made it clear she couldn't come to him.  So
why had he hoped she would try anyway?

He started to turn, and Spock said, "Was there something you wanted to
say?"

Kirk shook his head.  He found himself unable to move from the spot. 
"It's good to have you back."

"It is good to be back, Jim."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

Spock's voice was pitched very low when he said, "Christine tried to
tell me what has happened since I left for Gol.  It was confusing. 
She said that she let a vampire bite her?"

Kirk nodded.  "David was an interesting man."

"David.  Was she in love with him?"

Kirk shook his head.  "But he had a message she resonated with.  His
methods weren't good, but his ideas were valid."

"So you did not mind that she let him bite her?"

Kirk shot him a look.  "Oh, I minded like hell.  But that was a hard
time for us.  Your messages had just come and we were getting so
close--"  He broke off, suddenly aware of who he was talking to.  "It
was a hard time for her.  She almost gave up again."

"I see."

"But she didn't.  Nobody rescued her from him.  She did that.  And she
killed him in the end."

"She said you both did.  That it was a joint effort."

"Well, to be honest, he sort of died for her."  Kirk nodded.  "But she
was the one fighting him.  She's the slayer.  I'm just the sidekick."

"She said you have been learning to use magic.  You must be more than
just the sidekick?"

"Dabbling in magic," he grinned, the grin he used to throw people off.

"She said you have grown quiet powerful."

Kirk suddenly wondered if her entire conversation had been about him
and if that was why Spock was asking so many questions.

"I've been working hard.  I'll admit that."  Kirk shook his head.  

"You and she have become quite close?"

Kirk could feel his temper rising.  What was Spock doing?  "Yes. 
We're good friends."

Spock nodded, went back to entering some equations into his station. 
When Kirk turned to go, Spock's hand on his arm stopped him.  "Thank
you."

"For what?"

"For giving her back to me."

Kirk could feel his face freeze.  "I don't know what you mean." 
Despite how low they were talking, he felt as if everyone must be
staring at them.  He turned.  No one seemed concerned with their
conversation.  Sulu and Chekov were saying something to Uhura that was
making her laugh. The rest of the bridge crew seemed to be busy at
work on their stations.

"I think you do know precisely what I mean, Jim.  And I recognize your
sacrifice."

Kirk smiled tightly.  "Chris and I are friends.  Nothing more."

Spock nodded.  "I find myself wishing that she and I were better
friends.  Our time last night was uncomfortable."

Kirk wanted to ask if that was before or after they had screwed like
minks.  He refrained, even as he wondered when he had developed this
aptitude for wallowing in his own misery?

"She seemed distracted," Spock said into the silence.  "I believe she
is distracted by you."

"I think you're imagining that.  Why would I distract her?"  He
smiled, walked away before Spock could say something else that would
make him uncomfortable.

As the shift wound down, he walked back over to Spock's station.  "You
in the mood for chess one of these days?"

Spock nodded.  "Chess would be enjoyable.  But not tonight."

"Dinner with Chris?"

"She did not say she wanted to eat.  She did say she wanted to talk. 
That is good.  She did not seem to want to engage in conversation last
night."

Kirk wondered if Spock knew how that sounded.  "Well, if talk is what
you want, then I hope you get it."

Spock raised an eyebrow at him.  "You seem uncomfortable talking about
her."

"Not at all."  Kirk realized his fists were clenched and slowly
relaxed his hands.

"Well, I must go," Spock said, not moving.

Kirk nodded.

"Are you happy, Jim?  You have the Enterprise back; you are no longer
stuck at a desk, as Doctor McCoy puts it.  Are you content?"

"Of course, I am.  What more could I want?"  Kirk tried desperately to
form a smile that looked real.

"Of course.  What more indeed?"  Spock's eyes seemed to be boring into
his.

"Go.  Chris is waiting for you."

Spock said, "I doubt you are right.  I will probably have to collect
her."

"She loses herself in her work.  Good trait in a scientist--you know
that."  Kirk was about to lay his hand on Spock's shoulder, then
thought better of it, too much chance he'd broadcast everything he was
feeling.  "Have a good night."

"You too, Jim."  Spock rose, relinquishing the science station to his
replacement.  With a last look at Kirk, he left the bridge.

Kirk heaved a huge sigh of relief as soon as Spock was gone.  Was this
how it would be for the foreseeable future?

--------------------------

Christine stood uncertainly at Spock's door.  Steeling herself, she
raised her hand, rang the chime for admittance.

The door slid open and Spock stood in front of her.  He did not smile
exactly--his post V'ger emotionalism seemed to be fading--but
something lightened in his expression when he saw her.  "I expected
you sooner."

"I thought you'd come for me."

"I have been contemplating a complex issue."

"Oh."  She wasn't sure what else to say.  "Can I come in?"

"Please."  He moved back, gave her room to enter.

She walked into the room.  It was stark, as she expected.  His
personal items were neatly arranged.  It was hot in the room, very
hot.  She'd forgotten that.

With Spike, she'd had to get used to being too cold, since he'd never
seemed to realize when the apartment had been chilly.  With Spock,
she'd had to get used to always being too hot.

With Jim, she'd been just right.  She sighed.  She'd never be with Jim
again.

Spock touched her shoulder, guiding her gently to the bed.  

She resisted.

He smiled slightly.  "I am not attempting to seduce you.  Please sit."

She sat down slowly.  He sat down next to her.  Not crowding her. 
Just waiting.

She turned to look at him, and he stared back at her.  His look seemed
to be dissecting her, as if there was something important he needed to
figure out and she held all the answers.

"What?"

His look changed, became more evasive.  "You are still so beautiful to
me."

She smiled, looked down.  She did not think that was what he was
really thinking about.  "I'm older.  You are too."  He looked so
grizzled to her, so worn.

He nodded.  "I purged much in the fires of the Kohlinar disciplines. 
Excess emotion as intended, but also, I think, some of my youth."

"Did you really purge the emotions?  Or just bury them?  Because they
came back, after V'ger, I mean."

He seemed to think about that.  "Perhaps you are right.  Perhaps I
only buried them."  He seemed to be studying her again.  "It's true
that as soon as I was free of the meld, I wanted to reclaim two
things.  My friendship with Jim.  And you."

His eyes seemed to burn into hers.  He was not trying to tone down
their intensity, and she found herself unable to look away.  It would
be so easy to sink into him, to let him bond with her and take them
back to where they'd been.

She finally forced her eyes away.  "I shouldn't have run."

He didn't reply, waited for her to go on.

"I owed you more than that.  More than leaving you in the night like
that."  She took a breath, heard it shudder as she tried to keep
herself composed.

He reached out, touched her hand gently.  "It is in the past now."

She turned her hand so that their palms were touching.  "It's not in
the past, Spock.  It never will be until we talk about this.  And I
think you misunderstand me.  My regret is not for leaving you; it's
for leaving you like that."

His eyebrow rose, but he did not pull his hand away.  "Why did you
run?  You knew that I was going to live.  McCoy told me that you knew
that and still you ran."

"Part of it was the Orb.  I was so filled with despair from having
destroyed it.  But part of it was that I couldn't face it anymore--the
slaying, the bond, the responsibility.  I felt as if no matter where I
turned, there was someone wanting something from me.  It seemed like
there was no part of my life that I controlled."  She looked down. 
"Your death, Laura's, even Rosa's.  They hit me so hard.  Maybe I just
wanted to stop caring about anything?"

"You should have told me that the bond would be too confining.  I
would have waited."

"Would you have?  Because I remember how it was back then.  How out of
control I was.  I think you believed you were providing me with some
stability.  Grounding me.  And you were."  She shook her head. 
"Besides, I was buried in it by then.  I loved you and I wanted you
and I didn't mind that you were there to steady me.  I was too far
into it to be able to tell the difference between support and a
crutch."

"A crutch is often necessary for healing, Christine.  As a doctor, you
know that."

"But the bond would have been a crutch that never went away."  She
shook her head.  "I'm saying this badly.  As if I didn't like the
bond.  Which would be a lie.  I loved being that close to you.  You
were closer to me than I'd ever let anyone be before."

"But after you left me?  What then?"  He met her eyes, his expression
calm.  "You let Spike in?"

"Let him in, yes.  Loved him?  No.  Not the way I did you.  Not in any
sense but fondness."

"And lust."  At her look, he shook his head gently.  "I saw the two of
you together, Christine, when you were slaying.  It was clear from the
way you kissed him that your relationship was a physical one."

"All right.  And lust.  But that's over.  I told you Spike's gone." 

"And you haven't seen him since."  Spock's look was almost amused, as
if he knew what her answer would be.

"Well.  I've seen him, yes.  But not that way."

"I would have killed him that night," Spock said softly.  "If you had
not stopped me, I would have killed him."

"I know."

"I have had the time to become grateful that you stopped me.  And to
regret deeply that I tried to force you to come with me."  He narrowed
his eyes.  "Of all the emotions that I tried to put down through the
Kohlinar, regret was the most resistant.  I do regret what I did."

She tried to smile, could feel that she wasn't making it.  "I couldn't
go with you.  Couldn't be with you the way you seemed to need.  Not
then."

"And now?"  He moved closer to her.  His hand on her neck made her
shiver as it brushed over the bite marks.  He pulled her collar away,
stared at the scars and said, "This is where the vampire bit you?"

She nodded.

"Jim has that part of you, doesn't he?"

She froze.

"He has been with you through all of this.  This vampire that almost
turned you.  The watcher who you had to watch die.  Jim was there for
all of it."

"He was."  She turned away.

He turned her face back to him.  "We need to talk about him."

She shook her head.  "No.  We don't."

"No?"  He moved closer again, leaned in.  His lips on her neck,
running over the bite scars.  His voice was low.  "Do you feel
anything when I do this, Christine?"

She moved away, studied him.  "What do you want me to say?"

"That night we made love you did feel something.  I could tell.  I
moved you.  And that was what made it so difficult to understand.  You
were in my arms; you were my lover again.  I did not expect you to
refuse to be with me."  His mouth quirked slightly, not a smile, just
a miniscule hint of one.  "Did you have feelings for Jim then?"

"No.  And it's not why he didn't tell you where I was."  She had not
wanted to get into this with him, but she couldn't let him think that
they'd betrayed him that way.

He brushed a strand of hair back from her face.  She closed her eyes,
felt his lips touch hers.  It was nearly an automatic response to kiss
him back, to relax into his arms.  It felt familiar to be kissing him.
 Familiar and easy.

But not right.

She pulled away.  He was watching her, and she found his expression
difficult to read.  He seemed less disappointed than sad.  And
resigned.

"I'm sorry.  I just--"

His finger on her lips stopped her.  "It is all right.  That complex
issue I referred to?  It is us.  You and me...and Jim."

She looked down.  "Spock, there's no Jim in this."

"He is between us now, is he not?"

She shook her head.  "He won't be.  He won't betray you that way."

"But you would, wouldn't you?"  

"You left us behind.  How dare you come back here and act as if
anything that developed between Jim and me is some betrayal of you. 
We had no way of knowing you'd come back."

"Were you lovers?"  His voice was calm, his eyes placid.  He did not
seem upset, despite the intensity of his probing.

"Define that," she finally said.

"I do not have to, Christine.  I look in your eyes and his, and I see
it.  I see the emotions, the affection.  The love."  He shook his
head.  "I do not know how to reach you when your heart is given to
another."

"I'm sorry.  I'm not with him, Spock.  Not that way.  He won't allow
it."

"No, I know that.  He is a man of honor.  Even in my anger and hurt, I
knew why he kept his word to you and did not tell me where you were. 
I hated him for that, but I understood."

"He was caught between us, Spock.  He never wanted to be in that
position.  But once he was, he did the best that he could."

Spock nodded.  There was a long silence as they sat on the bed, not
speaking.

Finally, he said, "I have had time to analyze our situation.  To try
to determine what went wrong between us."  He reached out, took her
hand.  "I think that nothing went wrong between us."  He shook his
head, as if at some foolishness.  "We were simply never meant to be."

She closed her eyes.  It hurt to hear him say that.  Despite
everything that had passed between them, it still hurt.

"Is that not so, Christine?  Your infatuation with me was a safe place
for you, was it not?"

She nodded. 

"You never expected me to be interested.  And I have analyzed my
reaction to you.  I believe we rushed our relationship."

"Yes.  I think we did too."  She sighed.  "You didn't have the
slightest interest in me and then, once you knew I was the slayer, it
seemed like you suddenly wanted me."

"It was not until that moment that I saw you as a potential mate."

"And then you fought for me so hard.  It seemed like I was always on
the verge of running, and you were always pulling me back, loving me
enough to make me believe, to trust and reach out."

"Yes.  I thought I could save you.  I thought you would always want
me, that if I loved you enough, we would be all right.  But I believe
my reasons for wanting you may have been suspect."  The puzzlement in
his eyes took away any sting.  "My love for you is real, but I believe
you may also have represented an opportunity."

"For escape?"

"To live a life that I had denied myself.  A physical relationship
with a strong partner, a chance to bond.  The Vulcan ideal without the
Vulcan woman.  You had professed to love me for so long, and I
believed that.  Your behavior was erratic, but I assumed it would
change in time."

She nodded.  "And if things had been different, if you hadn't died,
maybe I would have been all right.  Maybe we'd have lasted a
lifetime."  A slayer lifetime anyway.  Short, violent.  She'd already
lived so long for one of her kind.

"Perhaps.  Or perhaps the bond would have taken away the last remnants
of control you had.  I do not know why I considered that a good idea. 
To bond with you when your emotions were so chaotic.  You were right. 
It was dangerous."

"Passion of the moment?"

"Indeed.  And that is not a Vulcan failing but a human one."  His
mouth quirked up slightly.  "I enjoyed that passion greatly.  You were
never afraid to offer me your body."

"No, I never was.  Emma said that I did that to protect myself. 
Offered sex in place of anything more solid."

His hand rested easily on hers, and she reached over with her free
hand and touched his skin lightly.

"She thought that I'd spent so much time hiding and running from who I
was and what I'd been through, that I'd given up on anyone getting to
know the real me.  The only thing I could give in a mature way was my
body.  Everything else was buried so deep no one--including me--could
find it."  She drew her hand away, pulled her other hand gently out
from under his.  "You came close, though.  The meld, the bond.  The
love you gave me.  Love I never expected.  You tried, Spock.  I know
how hard you tried.  But I wasn't there yet.  I wasn't ready.  I
needed to grow up."

"And you have.  You are very different now.  I can see it just in the
short time we've spent together.  You no longer need that kind of
support."

"No.  I no longer do."  She smiled sadly.  "We didn't bring out the
best in each other."

"No.  We did not."  

She looked away.

"Do you think that could change, Christine?  Could we not try as equal
partners this time?"

She felt tears prickling at her eyes, one broke loose, ran down her
cheek.  "We're not the same people."  And I don't love you anymore,
she wanted to say but couldn't bring herself to.  Couldn't bring
herself to tell him how badly she wanted his best friend.

He reached out, wiped the tear away.  The gesture only caused more to
fall.

"Please do not cry."  He drew her into his arms, held her tightly,
soothing her the way he had done when they were together.  "I am not
sure what my future is.  I only know that it will be on this ship. 
With Jim and my friends.  Including you, if you plan to stay.  Do you
intend to stay?"

She closed her eyes, let herself relax in his arms.  Her future loomed
up in front of her, immeasurably large, murky with the unknowns that
had been added into the equation when Spock had rejoined the crew. 
Could she stay on this ship?  Could she see Jim every day and not want
him?  And might she not be tempted to take what Spock offered, to
escape into him if she stayed?  "No."

"No?"

She shook her head.  "I can't stay here, Spock.  I can't give you what
you want, and I can't have what I want."

"Where will you go?"

"I have a job to do.  There's a werewolf out there who's trying to
turn my retirement home into her own version of the jungle book.  I
have to stop her."

"And you think Nogura will let you leave?"

She pulled away from him.  "He'll give me a ship of my own if I sell
it well enough.  Or the watchers will help me."

"Neither are people you want to work with.  Have you told Jim that you
are leaving?"

She shook her head.

"He will not view this as good news."

"He'll get over it."

Spock moved away from her, his hands behind his back.  He walked
slowly across the room, then he turned.  They stood at opposite sides,
with as much distance as could be achieved in the small space put
between them.

"You are in love with him?"

She looked down.

"He is in love with you."

She strode over to him.  "He beat himself up the entire time you were
gone for having betrayed you.  He hated the distance between you. 
Nearly froze in that coldness.  And then when you left...he missed
you, Spock.  Missed you so much that I know he would have given
anything to have the old times back.  The times before I asked him to
lie.  Before you found out that he had."  She realized her fists were
clenched, forced herself to relax.

"It doesn't matter if he's in love with me or not, Spock, because
he'll never do anything about it.  I was yours.  Might still be if not
for him.  Being with me would be a betrayal, and he won't do that to
you again."  She turned away, unsure what was left to say.

"You _were_ mine, Christine.  For a short time, you were mine.  And I
was yours."

She nodded, unwilling to turn around and see his face.  She heard him
move toward her, felt his hands on her arms.

"I loved you.  I believe I still love you," he said.

"I know."

"You are no longer mine, however."  He leaned in, his body firm
against her back, his lips touching down gently on her hair.  "I have
seen how you look at Jim, and how he looks at you when he thinks no
one can see.  And when you told me of your life since I have been
gone, it was apparent how much a part of that Jim has been.  I can see
how close you are.  You are friends, better friends than you and I
were.  Perhaps...if we had taken more time?"  He grew quiet.

She wiped at her eyes, trying to force the tears back.  They hadn't
taken more time, and they weren't better friends.  And she felt as if
she was being torn apart, having to talk about Jim this way, having to
open up a piece of her heart that she was trying to seal shut so it
wouldn't break her in two when she left.

"I can see that you would both like to be more than just friends to
each other."  He moved his hands, let his arms enfold her.

They stood like that for a moment, alone together in the silence of
his room.

Then he said softly, "We are not joined.  We do not touch.  We shall
be forever parted."

The words sounded as if they were from a Vulcan ritual. 

"The bond was severed, by my own hand."  His voice changed, became
less formal.  "You do not want it back?"

She took a ragged breath.  Standing here, like this, with him close to
her, it still felt good.  Still felt warm and comforting.  Spock was
solid.  He would take care of her.  If she let him, he'd keep her
safe.

And she'd suffocate.  It was time that she took care of herself.  And
long past time that if she was with a man, it was for the good things
he brought out in her, not the bad things he helped her suppress.

"I can't, Spock."

He did not seem surprised.  "You are free to go where you will.  To do
as you wish."  His voice dropped, sounded sad and small, when he said,
"And so is he."  He sighed against her.  "The touch of you will always
be in my mind, nothing more than a memory, but it will never leave me.
 I will never forget what it felt like to be with you."  He kissed her
neck.  "You were my bond mate.  But that time is over.  Go to him, if
it is what you both want."

She turned in his arms, stared up at him.  She wanted his friend, and
if she were to be with Jim, what would that do to Spock?  Did she even
have the right?  Jim had already given up the idea of having her.  He
would never touch her, not when he knew what she meant to Spock.  It
was time for her to give up on having Jim.

"No," she said.   "I think, given everything that's happened, that I
should leave."

"Your future is here."

"No.  Not anymore.  I'm prepared to find a new future if it will mean
that you and Jim can be friends again.  That you can repair what
knowing me has done to your friendship."

His face took on a kind of sadness.  He slowly ran his hand down her
cheek.  "I do not wish you to leave on my account.  And if Jim and I
are truly friends, then our relationship must be stronger than what
has happened.  And it must be able to withstand you."  He took her
hand, led her to the entrance, then let go of her as the door opened
to the corridor.

He did not step aside to let her leave, but led her out into the
corridor and down to Jim's quarters.  He rang the chime, then turned
to look at her where she stood a few steps away.  "We must do this
together."

She moved to his side just as Jim answered the door.  

He took one look at them standing together and a shutter seemed to
fall down over his eyes.  If Christine had ever needed to know how he
felt, the stony look that covered his face would have told her the
true story.  He gave them a smile, forced but sincere nonetheless.  "I
see you two have buried your differences?"

"Yes, we have.  May we come in?" Spock asked.

Jim made a face, threw his hands up in a way that seemed to say "Why
the hell not."

She wanted to reach out to him, but was unsure what Spock expected her
to do in this situation.

Spock walked to the viewscreen, stared out at the stars for a moment. 
Then he turned to look at them both.  "When I was on Vulcan, I would
lie on the desert sand and stare at the stars, trying to find the
stillness within me.  The anger I felt at both of you was nearly
overwhelming, and I wanted to punish you.  It is why I sent those
messages to you."  He turned to look out the viewscreen again.  "It
was especially cruel to send you her message, Jim.  I was indulging my
own desire for vengeance."

Christine looked at Jim; he seemed to be deliberately not looking at
her.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you," Jim said to Spock.

Spock turned, his expression lighter than Christine expected.  "I have
asked you this before, but would you do it differently if you had the
opportunity?"

Jim answered quickly, as if he had already thought about this too many
times to have to over think it this time.  "I don't see how I could."

Spock almost smiled.  "I thought not.  And it is all right.  I
understand now."

Their eyes met and held.

Christine looked away.  They could finally be friends again, there was
still a chance.  If only she weren't in the way.  She could stop
whatever Spock was trying to do.  Stop this before it went too far. 
"Jim, I'm going to request a transfer."

He turned to her, any indifference gone.  "Transfer?"

"I do not think that losing the deputy CMO would be in the best
interest of the Enterprise, Jim," Spock said easily.

He looked at him.  "You don't?"

"Indeed, I do not.  Nor do I wish for you to lose your...friend."  He
put an interesting emphasis on the word friend.

"No.  I don't want to lose her either."  Jim turned to her.  "Do you
want to leave?"

She couldn't answer him, not the way she wanted to.  "Look at the
three of us.  I'll always be a reminder of what happened.  But I know
how strong the friendship between you can be.  I saw it in sickbay,
and I saw it as you worked together to stop V'ger.  And I don't want
to hurt that again."

Jim seemed about to speak, but Spock stepped toward him, cutting off
whatever he'd been about to say.

"I agree with her, Jim.  I do not wish for us to continue our
association with so much tension between us.  But I do not think that
running away again is the answer."  The look he shot her was firm, not
angry but resolved.

"And your solution?" Jim asked.

"Perhaps we should all agree that the past is past and let it stay
there."  He looked at Jim, then turned to Christine.  "Can we not try
that?  Agree that the hurt and betrayal is over?"

She looked at Jim.  Saw him swallow hard.  His eyes met hers, regret
and something more briefly shining in them, then he clamped down on
his emotion.  He nodded.  "I can do that."

Spock did not wait for her answer.  "Good."  He turned to go, stopping
to stand by her.  His shoulder touched hers, and he looked over at
her.  "The past is past."

She nodded.  "Yes.  The past is past."

He walked to the door.  As it opened, he turned back to look at them
both.  "And, Jim, my relationship with Christine is also over.  In the
past.  We are friends, nothing more."  He turned to her, his face was
a mask.  "Or we will be friends eventually."

Christine remembered when Emma had asked her if she was friends with
Spock.  "We will be," she answered him and Emma finally too.

He nodded and looked at Jim.  "She is no longer my bond mate.  I have
no claim on her."  His expression did not change as he stared at Jim. 
Then he turned and walked out the door.

The door hissed closed, and Christine looked over at Jim.  He was
staring at her with a confused, slightly lost look.  She probably had
a similar look on her face.

He turned and walked over to the viewscreen.  "That was damned odd,
Chris.  Bringing him here?"

"It wasn't my idea."  She walked over to stand near him, looked out at
the stars.  "I offered to leave the ship, and the next thing I knew he
was leading me to your door."

"I thought that you two...I mean, when you showed up together...."

"All Spock and I have done is talk.  We didn't have sex."  

He looked so relieved that she laughed, then felt bad that she did.  

"I think he'd given up on that."  She looked down.  "In fact, I think
he'd worked it all out--the part about him and me--while he was at
Gol.  And he figured out what was going on with you and me after the
meld with V'Ger."

"I didn't help things by broadcasting when I touched you both.  I must
have given him everything I felt for you."  He shot her a wry grin. 
"So much for my shielding.  Weasel would be disappointed in me."

"Maybe subconsciously you did it on purpose?"

He shrugged, seemed unwilling analyze it.  "It's done now."

"Jim, Spock and I both know that there is only one place he and I can
end up.  And that's apart.  Even if I still wanted it back, it
wouldn't work.  We're two different people.  We've been through too
much, been through it without the other one there."

He looked at her, seemed to be trying to read the honesty of her
answer.  Trying to find the flaw in her argument.  "But you love him?"

"And part of me always will."  She couldn't lie about that, knew he
wouldn't want her to.  Knew that he'd understand.

And he seemed to.  He looked away.  Fell silent for a long time.  Then
he held his hand out to her.

She took it without hesitation.  Felt him squeeze, holding so tightly
that if she'd been anyone but the slayer she would have cried out with
pain.

"It's okay," she said.  "I'm not going anywhere."

"But would you have?  Would you have left?  Run again?"

"I'd have walked this time."  She laughed softly.  "And it would have
been for the right reasons.  Not because I was scared, but so that the
two of you could save your friendship, or at least so that you could
have a chance to try."

"I don't think he's over you."  He started to let go of her hand.

She refused to let him slip away, held on tightly.  "He may never be. 
But he released me.  It was something he could never do before.  He
did it just now, and he did it earlier too in some kind of ritual--I
think he divorced me."  She smiled softly.  Waited until he smiled
back to say, "We have to honor that.  We have to let him mean that.  I
think he needs to do it, as your best friend."

"Spock's not my best friend anymore."  He turned to her.  "He's one of
them, but not the only one."  His hand tightened on hers again.  "I'd
miss you so much if you left."

"If I did leave, my heart wouldn't go with me.  I love you so."  She
looked down, could sense him moving closer.

He tipped her chin up until she was looking directly at him.  "You
know that if you want to leave, if this is just going to put you back
where you were, then you should go.  I won't try to stop you.  I won't
make it difficult for you.  I don't want to do that to you again."

He seemed to be struggling for what else to say, so she took pity on
him, touching his hand where it still held her chin.

"I don't want to leave.  Not the ship.  Not my friends.  And
especially not you."

"No?"  He moved closer.

"No."  She dropped her hand to his shoulder, held on to him, suddenly
shaky.  She felt as if she was drowning in his eyes, saw that he had
the same expression.  "I don't ever want to leave you."

He moved his hand, brushing her cheek, then her ear.  His hand rested
gently on the back of her neck, and he pulled her halfway to him. 
Then stopped.

"Chris?"  He said her name as if he was a dying man in the desert and
she was the water he needed to survive.  Water that he wouldn't force
out of the ground if it didn't want to come to him on its own.

"Jim."  She closed the gap between them, her arms twining around his
neck, her fingers tangling in his hair as their lips met.  His arms
went around her, pulling her closer.

She heard a moan, wasn't sure which of them had made the sound.  

She kissed him frantically, unable to control how much she needed to
touch him now that there was nothing in their way.  She could feel her
skin burning, could feel his energy rushing into her as he kissed her.
 Energy that was holding her close this time, not tossing her across
the room.

He pulled away suddenly, stared at her with a startled look.  "Did you
feel that?"

She nodded.  

He began to grin, a slow, sensual smile.  "Like New Orleans."

She shook her head.  "Better.  This time, it won't wear off in ten
minutes."

He grinned.  "Well, you don't know that.  I never did find that immune
slayer."

"And you never will."  She kissed him again, losing herself in the
sensation of being as close to him as she wanted.  Of not having to
hold back.

His hands were everywhere, running down her body, in her hair, on her
face, pulling her closer, as if he could pull her into him.

Then he seemed to force himself to slow, to push her away from him. 
"We have time.  We don't have to--"

With a groan of frustration, she put her hand over his mouth.  "Jim,
it's been eighteen months.  That's enough foreplay.  And look what
happened when we waited last time."

"You have a point.  Now?"

"Now."

"Oh, thank god," he said, as he pulled her back into his arms, his
mouth on hers again.  He moved to her neck, kissing the skin, tongue
skipping over the bite marks, finding a new place to suck on.  The
tingling between them increased as he sucked hard, his teeth never
touching her.

Then he looked up at her.  "I'd have done this even before Anacost."

She grinned.  She hadn't tensed, hadn't felt threatened.  But she
liked that he'd stopped to tell her.

And she liked what he was doing, even if she'd have one hell of a mark
in the morning.  "Just don't bite.  There anyway."

"Understood."  He pushed her toward the bed, their clothes flowing off
effortlessly, as if by magic.

They came together.  It was thunder and lighting, sparks flying.  They
could not get enough of each other, and the intensity increased every
time their bodies merged.  She smiled, lost in the sensations, willing
to wrap their lovemaking up in whimsical terms of fireworks and
explosions.  Then she realized that the flashes were real.  Small
bolts of lightning crackled around them, thunder clapped softly,
filling the room with a low-pitched tone that caused every cell in her
body to vibrate with more pleasure.

He was looking down at her, his expression one of astonished delight. 
"I think we did that."

"I think we did too," she said, smiling as he leaned down to kiss her
gently.

They made love again, this time slowly and tenderly.  The flashes
changed color, moving around them lightly and sending shivers down her
skin wherever they touched her.

"Magic calls to magic," she whispered.  

"Yes."  He smiled at her, his expression sweet and open.  "And love
calls to love."

She was overwhelmed, felt so much emotion rising up within her that
she thought she might burst from the deluge.  Love and trust, respect
and enjoyment, all embodied in the man who was moving over her, inside
her.  She held him closer, willing to let the feelings grow, not
wanting to run from him, or to hide from what she felt.

She thought Emma would be proud of her.

"I love you, Jim," she said.  And, for possibly the first time in her
life, she understood exactly what that meant.


End part 1 of 4

--
Forwarded to ASCL by:
Stephen Ratliff
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