Received: from [66.218.67.195] by n41.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:50 -0000 X-Sender: stephen@trekiverse.org X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 15211 invoked from network); 17 Jun 2004 03:01:49 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.216) by m2.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:49 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.50) by mta1.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 17 Jun 2004 03:01:49 -0000 Received: from sdn-ap-022dcwashp0380.dialsprint.net ([63.191.161.126]) by avocet.mail.pas.earthlink.net with smtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1Ban9S-0000nU-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:18 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office Message-ID: <8922d09741nsc975jddlb2s59q98e7sif8@4ax.com> X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.50 X-eGroups-From: Stephen From: Stephen X-Yahoo-Profile: oldmanasc MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 22:59:54 -0400 Subject: [ASC] NEW - A Grand Slam MiSTing (1/4) (Humor, DS9, TNG, X-Over) Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: Wed, 16 Jun 2004 04:27:27 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: billfl@hiwaay.net (Bill Livingston) [SATELLITE OF LOVE - Mike & Tom Servo are seated at a computer. Mike is working on it (since Tom has the whole non-operative arms issue) and Tom is kibitzing] Tom: Okay, now just highlight the column. Mike: Right. [pause] Um, how do I do that? Tom: *sigh* Just put the cursor over the column header - that's the big "B" in the gray box at the top - and click the left mouse button. Mike: Oh, all right. [Mike works the mouse for a moment] Okay, yeah. I think that's got it. Tom: Great! [muttering] Took ya along enough to get there. [Normal] Hokay then, now go to the top of the screen and click "Data" and - Mike: Oh, I know - that android from "Star Trek" shows up and does this for me, right? Heh heh heh. Tom: [coldly] Look, Nelson, do you want to get this done or not? Mike: Sorry, yeah, just trying to lighten things up. [Notices Cambot is on] Oh,hey people. Mike Nelson up here on the Satellite of Love, and Tom's here helping me with some computer stuff. Tom: Yeah, as much as possible, anyway. Mike: See, Tom has his underwear collection in a spreadsheet now, and he can make all kinds of graphs and charts and neat little doodads, so I figure I might as well join the 21st century and put my coin collection on here, too. Tom: And he played off my better nature to get me to help. Mike: I gave you a box of Caramel Coated Ramchips. Tom: Yeah, and I'm considering giving them back at this point. Mike: Oh, c'mon, it hasn't been *that* bad. Tom: Hasn't been - first we had to find a C/PM converter and convert your files - your *WordStar* files, I might add! Mike: WordStar's a good program. Tom: Yeah, if you're living in 1983! Then we had to reassemble it all because *you* like variety so much you didn't have your data formatted the same way twice! *Then* we spent a couple of hours getting a Comma Separated file into Excel! And for what?!? Mike: Well - my coin collection. Tom: You've only got three farging coins in your stupid collection, Nelson - a Maryland Quarter, a Chuck E. Cheese game token, and a penny with old, cruddy bubble gum stuck to Lincoln's beard that you found the day you got sent here! Mike: [pause] So what's your point? Tom: Don't you think maybe - just *maybe* - this effort's a little excessive for three stinking coins?! Mike: Well... maybe. But I think I ought to be able to have the same cool graphics and stuff. Tom: Rrrrgh!! Give me one reason - just *one* good reason - to keep putting myself through this chamber of torture! Mike: I'll give you another box of ramchips? Tom: HA! [pause] Peanut butter this time? Mike: You bet. Tom: [cheerily] Okay, just click "Data" and select "Convert Text to Columns". Mike: Right, let's see... [Before Mike can figure out the mysteries of Excel, Crow enters from stage right. He is covered almost entirely in corporate name brand stickers] Crow: Hey guys. Mike: Hey, Crow, how's it - gyah! Crow, what's all this? Tom: Yeah, you look like a walking billboard. Crow: That's the idea. Mike & Tom: Huh? Crow: In order to help offset the sudden rise in gas prices, I've sold advertising space on my carapace. Mike: [Confused] Um, I don't quite get the connection here, Crow. I mean... Crow: Well, it's simple, Mike. I mean, NASCAR drivers can get boocoo bucks just for slapping an advertising sticker on their souped-up jalopies, so I figure this goes them one better. Tom: [examining Crow's stickers] Wal-Mart, IBM, Pizza Hut, lileks.com - geez, Crow, you actually got all these companies to pay you for this?! Crow: Sure! [pause] Well, not as yet, no. But once they find out about it, they won't have any choice but to cough up the dough! Tom: Uhhhh - okay. Mike: Listen, Crow, I don't know how much money you think you're gonna make... Crow: Well, my initial projection is about 20 grand per month. But I may have to downsize that a tad Mike: Um, okay, but - you said this is a hedge against gas prices? Crow: Exactly, Mike. It's getting awfully expensive, y'know, and I gotta build up a strategic reserve to keep myself running. Tom: Huh? Crow: Oh I know, I know, I shoulda done it earlier when prices were lower. I don't really know why I didn't. Mike: Maybe because you don't run on gas. [pause] Crow: Really? Tom: Of course not, Crow. You're powered by a system of triply-redundant chromium- cadmium battery packs. Crow: Well, I'll be - hahaha, you're right, Tom, I'd completely forgotten about that! Boy, what the heck was *I* thinking? Tom: I've often wondered. [lights begin to flash] Mike: Well, we'll plumb that mystery later. Looks like our presence is being requested elsewhere. How do, Pearl? [CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & company are gathered about a computer of their own.] Pearl: So you're sure? Bobo: Oh, the results are quite conclusive, Lawgiver - look at the chart here, here, and uhhh - oh, here. Observer: And what about here? Bobo: Oh, that's just a macro that opens up a "Bookworm" session. Observer: "Bookworm"? Bobo: Yes, it's a game where you have to connect letters and form words. Observer: [intrigued] I see, and the longer the word the higher the score. Bobo: Right - it's a great way to kill an afternoon. Observer: It sounds quite fascinating, let's have a look at it, shall we? Bobo: Sure, This oughta be right up your... Pearl: [reaching out and pinning Bobo's Mouse hand] Hey - Wheeler and Woolly - we're in the middle of something here! Mad Science *now*, word games later! Bobo: Ow. Uh, sorry Lawgiver Observer: Yes, please, go on. [whispering to Bobo] You're sure it's bookmarked? Bobo: Oh yes, definitely. Pearl: [to Mike] Okay, Nelpole, it's like this - you know I've been trying to break your will for a long time now. But so far, despite throwing everything at you clowns from "Neptune Men" and "Final Justice" to that fake "Spider-Man" movie script and that Neo-Zero-Gogo-Hojo thing, you've remained *annoyingly* unbreakable. Bobo: Ooh, that was a confusing movie. Pearl: Can it, Chimpley! Anyway, thanks to this little study we've put together, I've been forced to conclude - albeit reluctantly - that clobbering you with these big giant cheesy projects is a wipe. A bust. A complete zero. [SOL - Mike & the bots have their bags packed and on the console] Mike: So that's it - experiment's over?!? Tom: Vacation time! Woohoo! Crow: Kim Cattrall, here I come! [CF - Bobo & Observer are huddled around the screen in the back] Observer: Ooh, "Banana". That's a good one. Bobo: Thanks. It's a personal best! Pearl: CEASE!!! [To Mike] I swear, no one listens to *anything* I say around here! And that includes you three semicephalics! I never said anything about letting you go, Nelson - just that the current deal isn't working. Which means it's time for a *new* approach. [SOL] Tom: A *new* approach? Oh, what, are you going to subject us to bad sitcoms? Reality shows? Infomercials? Crow: Uh, Servo... Tom: Video Games? Children's Books, maybe? *Software Manuals*? Mike: Tom, maybe you... Tom: Graphic Novels? Cubist paintings? Ancient codicils of... Mike & Crow: *TOM!* Tom: Huh? Crow: Servo, you *do* realize who you're talking to?!? Tom: Well, sure, it's - uhm - uh-oh. [CF - Pearl scribbles furiously on a legal pad as Bobo & Observer continue messing around with the PC] Pearl: Hmmm, you've got real evil potential, Servo - that's not a bad list! Well, except the reality show thing - *way* overdone. But I actually had something else in mind. See, instead of sending you up a honking snotfull of badness, like "Armageddon" or some multi-part Mary Sue-infused "Buffy/Harry Potter" saga, I'm gonna try hitting you all in sequence with a quartet of tiny but truly fetid pieces of prose. We'll start with a nigh-incoherent piece of Spam about counting up to doomsday in fours - or sixes - or something like that. [flips page] Let's see, that's followed by a visit from Rob Morris and his All-Star Cavalcade of Unlikely Crossovers! And the others are - ah, but why spoil the surprise? Get ready for a four-part harmony of PAIN!!! BWAHAHAHA- Bobo: Wow! An eight-letter word! And with a gold tile! Observer: Well, "brainpan" is deucedly simple, you know. Pearl: *That's* it! I'm installing HenchmanGuard - *TODAY*! [SOL - Mike is peeling the last sticker off Crow's head net] Crow: Careful, it's hard to find that shade of gold paint. Mike: Well, if you hadn't used Krazy Glue... Crow: Oh sure, blame me for this just because it's *my* fault! Tom: You - you guys don't *really* think she'll make us look at *software manuals*, do you? Mike: I hope not, Tom... [Lights Flash] Mike: But we can't worry about that now... ALL: WE GOT QUADRUPLE EXPERIMENT SIGN!!! AAAAAHHH!!! [As they head back, the last sticker pops off Crow, and Mike goes flying backwards] [6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O [All enter] Crow: You okay? Mike: Oh, nothing a few gallons of Demerol won't fix. >From: HigherDimensions7@hotmail.com (higherdimensions7) Tom: Kltpzyxm! [pause] Blast, it's still here! >Newsgroups: soc.history.what-if Crow: What if there were no alternate histories? >Subject: The FOUR=$=4=Kings, Mike: George Clooney, Markie Mark & Ice Cube are joined by Ashton Kutcher! > coordinates at present time, most plausible clue Crow: Miss Scarlet in the Kitchen with the Lead Pipe. >Date: 24 Jan 2004 16:46:25 -0800 >Organization: http://groups.google.com >Lines: 56 >Message-ID: <9b13abf2.0401241646.3d7274a8@posting.google.com> Mike: I'm sorry, you need *two* forms of ID to post here. >NNTP-Posting-Host: 81.153.41.157 >Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 >Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Tom: Actual content: 2-bit. >X-Trace: posting.google.com 1074991586 15891 127.0.0.1 (25 Jan 2004 00:46:26 GMT) >X-Complaints-To: groups-abuse@google.com >NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2004 00:46:26 +0000 (UTC) >Path: corp.newsgroups.com!propagator2-maxim!propagator4-maxim! Mike: Maxim has its own newsfeed? Tom: Yeah, you oughta see the sysadmins! Hubba hubba! > news-in-sterling.newsfeed.com! >priapus.visi.com! Crow: *ahem!* Mike: Looks like the Maxim newsfeed did its job. > orange.octanews.net!news.octanews.net! Crow: Spider-Man vs Doc Octanews! This summer! > news-out.visi.com!petbe.visi.com! >newsfeed2.dallas1. Tom: Boy, if we could just wake up and have all this be a dream. Crow: Yeah, but that would entail watching Mike get out of the shower. Tom: But we already have that hidden minicam that... Mike: Huh?!? Crow: Tom! Ix-nay! Tom: Heh! Uh, nothing, Mike. > level3.net!news.level3.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail >Xref: corp soc.history.what-if:30323 >Status: N > >'THE FOUR KINGS' > All: o/` We four kings of internet are Sending spam to newsgroups afar. o/` >There is still a hope for reconciliation, Mike: As long as you balance payments with receivables, sure. > act in time. Crow: One of Keanu Reeve's goals in life. > Try to >outmanoeuvre Tom: Woah! Vowel Barrage! > Lucifer=444. Crow: Marked down from 666. Mike: Man, that little Wal-Mart Smiley Face Guy is *EVERYWHERE*! > Humans are in the image of GOD! > Tom: So God looks like Alyson Hannigan *and* Danny DeVito? How? Mike: It's a theological mystery. > >Life is based on Carbon, Atomic number 6. Crow: Unless you're a Horta. >Carbon electron orbitals can be represented as 222, 444, and 666. Tom: 888 just barely missed the cut. >God dose not play (six sided) dice Crow: God rolls a 20-sider. > versus sheer uncertainty Mike: We demand rigidly defines areas of uncertainty! >and probability principle Tom: By L. Neil Smith. > apply. >English =444, Crow: That's only because the square root of 2 is Prince Andrew. > if the international languages Mike: Love? Crow: Money? Tom: Esperanto? > has letters arranged in >arithmetical series with progressions 6. Mike: Maybe you can enhance the arrangement with, oh, a sconce or a nice swag or something. >Then following message could be decoded: Tom: *Ahem* John has a nice dog. Mary's sister wears a blue dress. The banjo is angry at midnight. >A=6, B=12, C=18 ..........Y=150, Z=156 > Crow: Aw man, I'd love to get a Z-156! They're so cool! >Four=360 (a complete circle around the globe) Mike: Around the world in 444 days! >Four=360=Kings= origin coordinates longitude zero Tom: Hey, he's generating Spam headers. Crow: Increase Your L_0_V_E_L_1_F_E Rotate Irascible Gumshoe 444 >The most plausible French King by inheritance is 'Henry the 8'='666' Tom: [demonic-sounding voice] o/` Oi'm Henry the Eighth Oi Am! Oi'm gonna rip your soul out in bloody bits, Oi am Oi am! o/` Mike: Wasn't Henry the 8th English? Tom: Never stopped Captain Picard. >(8 is H=48). His prodigy would also be Kings, and speak same language. > Crow: French, then? Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions. >The four kings Tom: That would be B.B. King... Crow: Larry King... Mike: King Vidor... Tom: And Jack "King" Kirby. > must have been able to rule 4 corners of the earth., >therefore they must be 'The Best' fighting force in the world, [All hum the theme to "The A-Team"] > due to >their High-Tech supremacy, and unprecedented ability to play Mind >Games, Mike: I had a girlfriend like that once. > along with GM & what have you. Tom: Yeah, man! Chevy roolz, Ford droolz! >US($), Canada($), Australia($), Crow: So, to sum up: $. > and UK(Pound for/the ..gers?) Crow: Sure, but - tha hell? Mike: Somewhere, Mavis Beacon just sits on the ground and weeps openly. > ='The >Middle Earth' Tom: Yeah yeah yeah, one ring to rule them all and all that crap. Can we just move along, please!? > 360 or 0 degree Longitude etc. > Crow: One or the other. Whichever. >Kings are suppose to conquer foreign lands. Tom: But they still only move one square at a time. > But only four Kings >together are mentioned, Crow: The others aren't even listed in the IMDb. > so, if Kings strife for more land then nature >may not allow, as there is no mention of fifth King. Mike: I was at a poker game once where someone drew the fifth king. Boy, that got ugly *real* fast! > Stargate type of >code is set. Tom: Not even Teal'c and Colonel O'Neil can tell what this is about. >----------------------------------------------------------------- >------------------------------------------------------------------ > > 'THE COORDINATES' > Mike: [Kirk] SetCOURSE... andenGAGEmisterSULU! >Base numbers 2=two=342= 18 degrees east Crow: So two equals - um, two? Tom: With ya so far. Crow: And two then equals 342? Mike: I'll admit, that part seems unlikely. Crow: Which, in turn, equals 18 degrees? Tom: Oh well, if you gotta convert to metric, all bets are off! > = Buda-pest's (HUNGRY) Tom: No thanks, I just ate. >longitude = Could also mean East / West dividing line Crow: Oh, like Chris Tucker & Jackie Chan had in that movie! > =(Buddha= India= >90-18=72 Degree east?) Crow: A desperate attempt to balance the epistemological equation. Mike: That's what happens when math majors enroll in liberal arts courses. > = this base number 2 is the starting points for >major/final events. > Tom: Do not pass Go. Do not collect $444. >Base number 4=Four=360=0 degree longitude= Mike: Does anyone else see a problem with his equation? Crow: I dunno, maybe he forgot to carry the one. > the Global >enclosure/situation, world history etc, also note 44E is Baghdad's >longitude. > Crow: Not to mention Anna Nicole's cup size! Tom: And, coincidentally enough, her IQ. >Base number 6=six=312= 48 East= Kuwait's Longitude. Mike: Which equals 76 Trombones. Crow: Which equals 101 Dalmatians. Tom: Which equals 99 Red Balloons. > 666 is the number >designated to Beast. >For example Adolf Hitler= Mike: Aaaand according to Godwin, this rant is now over. Tom: Too bad Godwin's not here to enforce that. > 660 short of an A, Tom: He kept telling the teacher that the non-Aryans ate his homework. > but Deutschland=666, and >'Henry the 8'='666'. Crow: Thus making Henry the 8th the first ever French Nazi King of England. > There are few more people=666 from the history >archives Mike: All of them tonight - on "Biography". > who did try to change history in a extremely brutal manner, >and 666 got away with it, Crow: The others would have if not for those meddling kids and their dog. > they were fully protected by Lucifer=444. Tom: Protect your diabolical despot with Lucifer Security Systems! Call 1-800-444-EVIL and ask for Bill Z. Bubb! >Only few fortunate humans should be able to decipher their names. Tom: Can you decipher your name, Mike? Mike: I think it means "Archangel who plays early 90's hair rock". >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >-------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Jesus=444=Messiah=Cross=Nuclear=Weapon=444=Lucifer=Gospel=444 > Mike: This is one weird interpretation of the Kabala. Crow: Oh, that wacky Madonna! > Crop circles? > Tom: [Mulder] The truth is out there. Well, kinda. Mike: Okay, one down. Crow: Well, *that's* a cheery thought. -- Forwarded to ASCL by: Stephen Ratliff ASC Stories Only Forwarding In the Pattern Buffer at: http//trekiverse.crosswinds.net/feed/ ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek.creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? Wed Jun 16 23:02:23 2004 X-Persona: Status: U Return-Path: Received: from n20.grp.scd.yahoo.com ([66.218.66.76]) by tanager.mail.pas.earthlink.net (EarthLink SMTP Server) with SMTP id 1bAN9B67w3NZFmQ0 for ; Wed, 16 Jun 2004 20:01:27 -0700 (PDT) X-eGroups-Return: sentto-1977044-13721-1087441287-stephenbratliffasc=earthlink.net@returns.groups.yahoo.com