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X-Admin: n...@aol.com
From: kapitanqu...@aol.com (KapitanQuirk)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Date: 08 Mar 2004 11:25:44 GMT
Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com
Subject: How to Improve Enterprise's Ratings
Message-ID: <20040308062544.06496.00001004@mb-m25.aol.com>

How to Improve Enterprise's Ratings:

An Open Letter to the Producers of "Star Trek Enterprise"

Dear Sirs,

I see that you have endeavored to get Trekkies to come back to "Enterprise" by
sticking the name  of "Star Trek" in front of it.  While this is a noble effort
and a recognition that Trekkies should be the core of your viewers, this still
does not address the fundamental flaws of the series.  Therefore I offer these
time honored suggestions for tweaking the series so as to gain a wider
viewership of the sponsor's commercial air time:

1) Have Archer captured and tortured at least once a month.  This will attract
those who are not necessarily fans of the character.

2) Wipe out the ugly Xindi and replace them with a new threat to Earth: the
Amazonia, a species of war like female humanoids with large breasts who
reproduce by cloning but are now  intent on maintaining their genetic pool by
capturing the entire male population of Earth as breeding stock.
 
3) Have Archer do a permanent mind swap with his dog for the rest of the
series.  This can either be done through a transporter accident or the
machinations of an evil scientist .  This will reduce the stress on Mr.
Bakula's acting ability.  He can now stay in his cabin and bark to his heart's
content with Dr. Phlox dropping by to feed him cheese occasionally.  Trip can
also take Archer out on a leash for "walkies".

Conversely, the dog will now be on the bridge and get to have all sorts of
wonderful adventures. (Mr. Bakula will do the voice overs for the dog of
course.)  Turning the lead character into a dog will be a step toward the
success formula of William Randolph Hearst who said that "all you need to sell
a newspaper is a picture of a dog, a baby or a pretty girl".  With the dog and
T'Pol on the bridge you are two thirds of the way there to selling more
episodes of "Enterprise".  What's good for newspapers is doubly so for TV. 
Besides, let's face it, the dog is a lot nicer to look at for forty minutes
than Mr. Bakula.  Plus the romantic tensions between TPol and Archer will be
even more poignant now that he's the dog (those sad eyes!).  Maybe the dog can
sleep at the foot of her bed occasionally.

I hope you will take these suggestions in the spirit in which they are offered,
as one loyal Trekkie who only wants your latest endeavor in the Trek saga to
succeed.

Sincerely,
Kapitan Quirk



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