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Date: Sat, 17 Jul 2004 15:13:22 -0400
Subject: [ASC] NEW ENT: More, 1/1, PG-13, A/R
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On 10 Jul 2004 13:17:07 -0700, in alt.startrek.creative
kwatson@gtcom.net (KayJay) wrote:

Title: More
Author: KayJay
Series: ENT
Rating: PG-13
Codes: A/R
Part: 1/1
Summary: Sometimes a first kiss is so much more than that.
AN: My first official *fanfic* foray into slash. Many thanks to
Mareel, sharer of the Muse, for the beta. Some mention of info from
First Flight, Twilight. Characters aren't mine, are Paramount's, but
my backstory is not only better but more complete. Heh. Written for
the LJ multifandom1000 First Kiss challenge. Loosely based on some
backstory established at the LJ RPG TrekSoap. Feedback welcomed!

***

*This was more than just another kiss.*

If it had been simply that, it could have ranked right up there with
Marna Wilson, fourth grade recess. Behind the swings, out of the sight
of Matt and William, for god's sake, who would have teased the life
out of any of your gang caught locking lips on their watch. After
giving you the beating you deserved for breaking the "guy code," of
course. That was only proper -- you'd given your word, you're expected
to stick to it.

But she was pretty, the first of many to turn your head. Besides, she
kissed you first, so it really wasn't you.

*This one was yearned for, plain and simple.*

Becky Morgan, on the other hand...yeah, that was all you. Another
looker, but more than that, she'd been almost like a buddy for two
years, living next door with her mother and sometimes-present, usually
drunk father. And at seventeen, when an opportunity presents itself as
warm, sweet-scented breath less than half an inch from your own lips,
you take it, giving comfort and accepting the body that is offered
alongside. Take it and run with it, fast and hard. You took her -- and
she took your heart. Again, the first of many.

Or maybe, it just seems like more than the few it really was.

*This one turned from friends to lovers in the time it took to close
the distance between.*

The heartbreakers followed, one by one. Sophie, Margret,
Caroline...each one taking you to another level as you entered
adulthood, staked your claim, and struggled with choices no one should
be faced with when in love. Or in lust, even.

Sophie, with the declaration of nihilism and the honey lips that
followed, the lips that shortly thereafter cleared your conscience but
killed your innocence. "Sure I want kids, but not with you." No. With
anyone *but* you, apparently. Of course.

*This one breathed only for you.*

You thought Maggie was different, had to be. A serious affair right
from the beginning. That kiss made the difference, showed you things
from another point of view, giving you a more permanent sense of how
things *could* be, *should* be, with a family, a career, a picket
fence, and dinner at the in-laws every holiday. Crissakes, her parents
thought the world of you and *your* dad took to teasing her with
"babygirl" within the first fifty-two minutes at the Chinese
restaurant...and she *let* him. How much more did you need to know
this was a forever thing?

But *she* needed more. More than you could give, or be, more time,
more attention, more of *you*. Less of Starfleet. The impossible. So
she broke your heart behind the parade field bleachers, in the mud and
the moonlight, a simple two words passing over those lips you loved,
you adored, you knew were yours. "I can't." You couldn't even return
the ring for fear of whispered gossip that could damage a destiny. You
still have it, locked away for god knows what. Posterity, some could
say. A reminder of what to expect from love, more than likely.

*This one was filled to the brim with the unknown.*

Caroline began and ended with a kiss, as tentative and guarded as your
heart had become. You were chinking the walls by then, with
expectations of where your life would go, what you would do, how it
would happen. You let her in step by step, methodically, allowing
yourself the small luxuries of love as it seemed safe to do so --
sharing a touch, a bed, a dream or two. But in the end, the caution
you were living by was hers, and love so carefully crafted faced
choices you couldn't live with, nor could she, and you parted,
touching lips and giving blessings, good luck, bye bye, have a good
life. Except, fuck you, that was becoming quite impossible.

*This one, oh god, was wild, abandoned, even precarious by any
standard.*

So here you are, now, still tasting those lips, barely a breath away
from the first and only, praying to whatever god is coming to mind
that it won't be the last and yet afraid, *so* afraid, to lay yourself
bare yet again, just one more time, not wanting to hurt, or be hurt.
It can't be happening, yet you will it to continue, hoping that the
life you feel in the body pulled in closely to your own will become
life-giving in your bed. Tonight, next week, three months from now, it
won't matter, doesn't matter.

*Only this kiss matters.*

So goddamned craved, mystifying, satiating, singular -- and it changes
*everything*. Who you are, who you were, who you will become. In ways
you cannot even fathom, and ways you already can feel churning deep
inside yourself.

Open your eyes. *See*. Look into those steely-blues, into the changes
you find hovering there as well. It isn't just you. It isn't a fluke,
a favor, a lark, or a lie. It's as real as the blood coursing through
your veins and pounding in your ears. It's the strength of desire
bidding your hands to touch skin, to probe muscle, to wander along an
unfamiliar path.

It's the danger inherent in your position as his captain, and the safe
harbor you find in his protective arms. His charge has been to keep
you alive, and at this moment no one and nothing else could ever
accomplish that task the way the simple touch of his lips upon yours
has.

It may have been just a kiss.

But it sure as hell feels like love.

-- fin --

Constable Katie, ASC* Archive team
ASC* archive: http://www.trekiverse.org or http://trekiverse.crosswinds.net
Submissions/corrections: trekiverse@ trekiverse.org
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