o.com Received: from [66.218.66.29] by n50.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 28 Apr 2004 02:02:39 -0000 X-Sender: stephen@trekiverse.org X-Apparently-To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 20534 invoked from network); 28 Apr 2004 02:02:37 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.216) by m23.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 28 Apr 2004 02:02:37 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO grouse.mail.pas.earthlink.net) (207.217.120.116) by mta1.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 28 Apr 2004 02:02:37 -0000 Received: from sdn-ap-012dcwashp0310.dialsprint.net ([63.188.113.56]) by grouse.mail.pas.earthlink.net with smtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1BIeP7-0003dq-00 for ascl@yahoogroups.com; Tue, 27 Apr 2004 19:02:29 -0700 To: ascl@yahoogroups.com Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office Message-ID: X-Mailer: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572 X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.217.120.116 X-eGroups-From: Stephen From: Stephen X-Yahoo-Profile: oldmanasc MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCL@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCL@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 22:02:19 -0400 Subject: [ASC] Chatter Chirper (Chekov's Enterprise Humor) G,1/1 Reply-To: ASCL-owner@yahoogroups.com Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Buy Ink Cartridges or Refill Kits for your HP, Epson, Canon or Lexmark & Cana Printer at MyInks.com. Free s/h on orders $50 or more to the US da. http://www.c1tracking.com/l.asp?cid=5511 http://us.click.yahoo.com/mOAaAA/3exGAA/qnsNAA/5x3olB/TM ---------------------------------------------------------------------~-> Forwarded by the ASC-VSO Posted: 27 Apr 2004 23:04:16 GMT In: alt.startrek.creative From: gojirob@aol.comendspam (Rob Morris) Title : The Chatter Chirper Show Author : Rob Morris Contact : gojirob@aol.comendspam Archive : www.southroad.com/brightfame Series : A parody set in The Orion Press fanzine series, Chekov's Enterprise, Post-Generations Act 1 Type : Parody rewritten as a Hanna/Barbera cartoon of the early 60's Characters : Chatter Chirper ( Parody of Ch'terr, Security Chief aboard The USS Enterprise, NCC-=1701-B, Captain Pavel Chekov commanding as of 12/2294. Ch'terr is a Skorr, a member of an avian species who resemble anthropomorphized Eagles Part : 1/1 Rating : G Summary : The life of a security chief should come with more security! Note : Since I'm one of the writers on the CE series, and since I showed this to Randy Landers, I give myself permission to post it. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- The Chatter Chirper Show by Rob Morris ( The Chatter Chirper Show was an early 60's effort by Hanna-Barbera, ala Yogi and Huck, starring an anthropomorphized eagle named Chatter Chirper, luckless security chief aboard the spaceship Enterprise-B ) ( We see the intro ) CHATTER CHIRPER in : THE INSECURITY CHIEF ( We see an H/B version of the Ent-B flying through space; get used to this shot--it will be used 700 times before the ep is done ) Old H/B Announcer : The world of the future has come at last. Leading the way is the fabulous spaceship Enterprise-B! ( Interior scene cut to Ch'terr, as Chatter Chirper; He talks like a parrot from the Flintstones or like that, only more coherently ) Chatter (looks at camera) : We used to be the Enterprise-A. Then we lost two captains in one week. SQUAWK! Space is like that. Anncr : Guarding this fabulous ship of tomorrow is the brave and fearless volunteer, Security Chief Chatter Chirper! The instant this job came up, Chatter jumped at the chance to serve the Space Federation Fleet. Chatter ( To Cam.) It beats heck out of sitting on top of flagpoles my entire life. Anncr : But Chatter doesn't serve alone. Among his fellow crewmen is Russian Captain Pavel Chekov. Chatt: (To Cam.) In the future, things have changed a lot. Russians and Americans are buddies. ( Chekov pushes past; Grumbles in bad H/B Russkie voice ) Chekov : Cochrane! Bah! Vwe invwented vwarp drive first! Chatt : Of course, some things never change. Anncr : Another of Chatter's superiors is Commander Uhura, First Officer and Communications Chatter : But she's trying to get away from that comm board ( We see him standing with Uhura; Still black, but kinda more Jane Jetson-ish than NN-ish ) Uhura : And I've finally found a way to do it. Chatt: You've found a replacement Comm Officer? Uhura : No. ( She picks up a phaser rifle; Chatter ducks; The Comm Board builds up a hum til we hear an H/B-type explosion ) ( Uhura walks away smiling ) Chatt : Well, so much for incoming messages. Anncr : A Security Chief must be ever vigilant. Security Guy : Chief, we still haven't found that missing shuttlecraft. ( We see Chatter being chased down the halls by the out of control shuttle, size and physics aside ) Chatter : Never mind, I've got it. ( The shuttle bumps him; he lands on it; rides it like a bucking bronco; It rides off ) Security Guy : Our Chief is some kinda fella. He's always on top of things. Anncr : A Security Chief must show the rest of the crew the importance of hand-to-hand combat. ( Chatter stands in front of a small crowd with Peter and Saavik; Except for Saavik's ears, they are drawn a bit like 'extras' teens from either Flintsones or Jetsons ) Chatter : Now, with Mister Kirk here, I will show how to block and how not to block a punch. ( Chatter boxes him, but PK blocks every single punch with one hand without ever moving his body; Chatter tires ) Chatter : How'd you do that? PK : I'm the nephew of a legendary space hero. Its part of my heritage. Chatter : (To Camera) Its not what you do-its who you know. ( Turns to Saavik ) Now, Mister Saavik here will show us the legendary Vulcan emotional control. Saavik : Vulcans do not engage in public displays of emotion. Chatter : Now watch, all of you, and learn how not to let an opponent taunt you into a fight. Ahem--Mister Saavik, Vulcans are cold-blooded! Saavik : Illogical. Vulcans are also mammalian in origin. Chatter : Vulcans want to rule us all. Saavik : To desire power over anyone but yourself is not logical. ( Chatter turns back towards other crew ) Chatter : See? I could even call Mister Saavik fat, and she wouldn't---- ( Saavik glares; Grabs Chatter's wrist; Throws him against floor in two directions; Twirls him over her head, then lets him loose ) Saavik : I am not fat. Chatter : ( Crumpled up ) Note to self : A Vulcan woman is still a woman. ( Recovered, Chatter uses the two one last time ) Chatter : Now, observe an advanced technique. See Misters Saavik and Kirk staring at each other. By means of mental telepathy, they communicate without words. By standing between them, I see that they are thinking about their battle with the Romulans.... ( Chatter freezes solid ) Chatter : ( From inside ice cube ) ...over the ice pits of Agathar. Anncr : A Security Chief must lead his men on away missions... ( Chekov appears on screen ) Chekov : You mean landing parties, Da? Chatter : No can do, Captain. Watch this. Hey, men? ( A large group of red-shirts is waiting ) Chatter : Who wants to go on an away mission? ( Hands all raise ) Chatter : Now--who wants to be part of a landing party? (They one and all shudder; Some have their hair raised; Some are hiding beneath tables, around corners;Two are fighting to get into an air vent) Chatter : See? If we call it a landing party--all the security men get scared off. Chekov : I had no such concerns in my day. Chatter : But didn't you wear a yellow shirt? Chekov : Da. THAT is vwhy I had no such concern. ( Down on the planet, Chatter is overseeing Lt. Escri and Ens. Gatchmeinz. Escri is human but adult short, kind of Spacely-ish; Gatchmeinz is an average-but-decent looking girl ) Chatter : The first rule of long-term survival; Build a fire. Lets see yours. Escri : Gosh, sir. We found an excellent fuel source, and ignited it in this funnel chute. Chatter : What is it? Escri : Pine needles. ( Chatter looks down chute ) Chatter : You can't use pine needles. They're too apt to.... ( Flame comes up from chute; Chatter's face and beak are blackened ) Chatter : ...flare up and explode. (Chatter's beak is bandaged as he talks to them ) Chatter : Rule Two : Until and unless they can be safely sighted by your rescuers, never use the.. ( Gatchmeinz is firing off the signal flares toward Enterprise; Chatter rolls his eyes ) Chatter : Lisa, what are you doing? Gatch : Oh, hi, Chief. I'm just letting my three o'clock date know I'm not going to make it. Chatter : Who was your three o'clock date? Gatch : Who knows? I always leave three o'clock open. Chatter : With all those dates, when does she have time for her duties? Sheesh! ( Escri runs up in a panic ) Escri : Chief, Chief! I just saw some Klingons behind those bushes. (Chatter pshawes him and walks over ) Chatter : Mister Escri, there are NO Klingons... ( Three large Klingons, looking a lot like the French-Canadian tree-choppers in these old cartoons, emerge and clobber him before withdrawing ) Chatter : be-hind those bu--shes. ( Chatter shakes it off ) Chatter : Mister Gatchmeinz, bring me my phaser weapon! ( She does ) Gatchmeinz : Here you are, Chief. ( The Klingons see this and scamper; Chatter is confused ) Chatter : Huh. Wonder why one phaser got them so scared. Gatchmeinz : Maybe they saw the setting I used, Chief. Chatter : What setting? Gatchmeinz : I set it to fire all of its energy in one shot. Chatter : Don't be silly. It can't do that unless you set it to... ( Huge explosion; Chatter is now featherless and charred ) Chatter : Overload. ( Back aboard the B, Chatter is recovering in Sickbay. He looks at Escri and Gatchmeinz ) Chatter : I have one more danger of space to warn you all about. ( Holds up a steel pipe ) Escri : But Chief, that's just an old steel pipe. Gatchmeinz : How is that a danger of space? ( Chatter gets up, slapping the pipe into his free hand ) Chatter : Well, we are in space, after all. As to how this is a danger? ( Slams the floor as G+E barely jump in time ) Chatter : Its a real danger to you two--BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BRAIN YOU WITH IT!!!!!! ( They run, barely ducking or jumping in time; Chatter keeps after them; The 'wacky chase' music from old H/B cartoons plays while they go ) ( PK sees this; Waves his arms ) PK : Chief, stop that! I'm pretty sure its against regulations! Hey, what's that snoring I hear? ( PK looks--finds a sound-asleep Jim Kirk on the floor ) PK : Why, its my uncle, the legendary space-hero! Uncle, we all thought you were dead. JTK : No, nephew. I was just catching a few Z's. See you later. ( He walks off; PK shrugs ) PK : I should probably report him for this. But when you're a legendary space-hero--you can get away with just about anything. ( Close; End; Roll Credits; End-Music plays over still of smiling Chatter ) -------------------------------------------- "Your would-be attackers don't like you. Your would-be rescuers don't like you. Harry, *most* people don't like you." - Peter Kirk to Harry Mudd, 'Lawful Warrant' -- Stephen Ratliff ASC Awards Tech Support http://www.trekiverse.us/ASCAwards/commenting/ No Tribbles were harmed in the running of these Awards ASCL is a stories-only list, no discussion. Comments and feedback should be directed to alt.startrek .creative or directly to the author. Yahoo! Groups Links To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCL/ To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: ASCL-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/ From ???@??? 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