ath: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!atl-c03.usenetserver.com!news.usenetserver.com!wns14feed!worldnet.att.net!216.196.98.144!border2.nntp.dca.giganews.com!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!newsread.com!news-xfer.newsread.com!postnews.google.com!f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com!not-for-mail From: "KyRoka" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: NEW DS9 "The Ghost of Your Memory" by KyRoka (K,1/1,[NR]) Date: 5 Jan 2005 19:05:25 -0800 Organization: http://groups.google.com Lines: 785 Message-ID: <1104980725.165631.162370@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 152.163.100.130 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" X-Trace: posting.google.com 1104980729 12961 127.0.0.1 (6 Jan 2005 03:05:29 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups-abuse@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2005 03:05:29 +0000 (UTC) User-Agent: G2/0.2 Complaints-To: groups-abuse@google.com Injection-Info: f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com; posting-host=152.163.100.130; posting-account=-u2b1A0AAABHMPkaj-Qp7ItzyhI0LL9c Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative:161823 X-Received-Date: Wed, 05 Jan 2005 19:05:30 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Title : The Ghost of Your Memory Author : KyRoka Series : DS9 Rating: NR Codes: K&O Part : 1/1 Summary : Kira discovers how haunting regret can be. The Ghost of Your Memory A Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Story by KyRoka (Standard disclaimer applies) Kira Nerys swung her legs over the edge of her bed, prompted as she was every morning by the monotonic voice of the computer. Everyday the rhythm of routine and determination guided her those first moments - the time when dreams from the night before were still fresh, when they still pulled at her, when nearly every decision made in the past year and a half was called into question. The hum of the sonic shower was usually the only thing to break her out of the morning quicksand, a reminder of who Kira Nerys was in the present moment, who she had become... and why *that*, despite the beginning of each day, superseded anything else. The silence of the station quickly filled her quarters as the whine of the reclamator faded away, absorbing what was left of her breakfast. Nerys could feel her body slipping into that quietness, the soft hum of the station's power. She walked over to the prayer wheel, her bare feet audibly padding against the carpet. There was a heaviness in her right ear as she started to reach out to the Prophets, a weight that had only grown since the Attainder. Nerys fought the urge to pull at her ear and instead tried to focus her attention, crossing her legs as she sat in front of the prayer wheel. She took a deep breath, trying to keep sleep-rested muscles relaxed and to loosen those already tightened with waking. She filtered out the sound of her own breathing and let her body match up with the hum of the station, opening her hands palm up on her knees and focusing on the wheel. Soon everything had faded away - just as it did each morning - until all that was left was her pagh and the one form of communing with the Prophets that hadn't been stripped away. (-|-)* Kira shifted her weight to the front of her feet, leaning against the railing, as the lift rose to Ops. A quick scan revealed much of the morning shift already at or near their stations, something that had so far not failed to bring a smile to her face. It seemed that the growing attention the station had been receiving of late stirred the crew to perform above the call of duty. Many officers arrived early for shifts and stayed a few moments later than necessary - additional effort that she knew was benefiting officer, station and commander alike. A few reports were passed under her eyes as she made her way first to the replicator for a raktajino and then up to her office. Something about this morning, however, made her tug at the collar of her uniform as she settled behind the desk. Something about this morning hadn't quite washed off in the sonic shower, digested with breakfast, or washed down with the morning cup that now sat steaming next to the companel. Kira pushed the thought aside and turned her attention to the night shift's incident report as well as the small stack of others piling up as a result of Starfleet and Bajoran militia. She skimmed them with efficiency - making notes on some items of interest - and then downloaded the agenda for the next few days onto a PADD before moving to the small couch in the office's alcove, raktajino in hand. Paging through the ever-growing list of ships that every day were passing through the hub of DS9 - not to mention the officers and dignitaries that went along with each - as well as meetings, maintenance, schedules, criminal activity reports... Kira found herself praying that the voice system would chirp and an urgent message would tear her away from the reports, that some minor crisis would present itself. But seconds of wishful thinking turned into minutes and the hum of the station became overwhelming. "Computer, play Trillic Symphony 427, the reinterpretation of Ahnor Peleage." A smooth wind rolled over the beginning of the recording, echoed after a few moments pause by an instrument Kira had once heard Dax refer to as a pinflute. The piece was a simple orchestration, stripped down to the bare melodies from what Kira found to be an otherwise overly and purposefully annoying piece of music. It had been Ahnor's reinterpretation that had finally convinced Kira the piece might have some merit to it after all. Kira leaned back, resting her head on the top of the couch and propping a leg up on the edge. The crew were used to her routine, knew that in an hour's time she would be more than caught up on the minutiae of the day's activities, working on those issues that demanded her time, and ready to add to her constantly overflowing plate. But for now she had an hour, and Kira had the feeling that it was going to be a relatively quiet day. The music hit a sour note, one that had always managed to unnerve and stick with Kira. She added it to her list for the day, things that seemed to be trailing her around. She had already tried several times - in the lift, waiting at the Replicator, small moments she could steal without notice - to pinpoint what had cast a film on pagh. The deep sleep she had learned to value generally prevented her from remembering much if anything about the dreams the Prophets sent her. And yet today, whenever her thoughts drifted to the previous night, the haze around her dreams intensified and cleared at the same time. Kira lost what little concentration she had left in the music, quickly accelerating into a severe need to identify the thoughts clinging to her. She pushed herself off the couch, trying to break whatever was starting to cocoon her in the office. She brushed herself off with a mental shake and started down into Ops, towards the lift. "Ensign, I'm going to take a tour of the Promenade. Contact me if anything comes up." Kira kept a face of determination for the entire ride down to the Promenade, hoping that she could convince herself nothing was wrong, that nothing was haunting her. (-|-)* She collapsed onto the couch in her quarters, too tired to pull off the boots that had so pained her feet. She had run herself ragged all day - more than usual, more than (as Julian would undoubtedly say) was healthy. But she didn't care, blissfully hadn't cared all day - until, that was, she sat down and her feet started their own tirade. She had spent the day walking and in fact had covered well-nigh the entire station including a few access tunnels. And it had done exactly what she had wanted it to do: keep her mind off what had so stubbornly eluded her. The computer chime was followed quickly by a sigh from Kira. She wasn't exactly known for being subtle and, in the back of her mind, she had been expecting a visitor. Most of the senior staff she counted as friends were consistently on watch, with both friendly and professional concern. These were the people that had come to know her the best. They knew what she was capable of and without doubting her abilities, they also knew that sometimes she failed (or refused) to acknowledge her own limitations. And that was why standing on the other side of the door was one of two people: Dr. Julian Bashir or Lt. Ezri Dax. *Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll be both of them,*Kira thought, a tired sarcasm threaded through the words. She started to get up from the couch, but a slight tightness in her legs refused the movement and kept her sitting, hunched resignedly forward. "Come in." The doors slid open and the somewhat-pixied face of Ezri Dax peered into the room cautiously. Despite having made the switch to the command track, Ezri had never quite been able to get the counselor out of her system - especially when it came to the people she knew the best, to the people Dax knew the best. She also tended to be the calm before the storm, the one Julian sent to test the waters - a role Kira could tell was very appropriate this visit. "Julian sent you, didn't he?" "What can I say, he outranks me," Ezri said with a shrug as she stepped over the threshold into the quarters. "Mind if I sit down?" "Not at all, that's about all I plan on doing so you're free to join me." "Yeah, word kind of got around about that. Seems you made the rounds today, didn't you?" "It's been quite awhile since I've seen some parts of the station and today was shaping up to be rather a slow day." "Station business has rarely been referred to as slow. Why today?" *Why today?*The question rattled in Kira's mind. She had been over any possible significance the day could have held and there was none. So why today? "Why not?" Kira leaned back, crossing a leg up and stretching her arms out along the top of the couch. It was meant to show strength and - as she had realized recently - a posture she had picked up from Sisko. She saw a flash of recognition in Dax's eyes and a barely curbed smile. "Well, for starters, 'spontaneous' is not usually the first word that comes to mind when someone asks me to describe Kira Nerys." "Maybe I'm expanding my horizons, stretching myself. You better than anyone should recognize personal change." Dax paused barely a moment before continuing. "Secondly, for you to spend more time out of Ops than in it without anything scheduled is also out of character." "There are some things that never make it into the reports. It's good to get out and get a feel for the mood on the station." "You know, I didn't used to think this could be possible, but you're more infuriating than Benjamin ever was. Not to say you're not equally as stubborn..." Dax paused and moved next to Kira on the couch. "Look, I'm sure we could go back and forth like this all night. And you and I both know that's why Julian sent me in here first - *AND* if you want to make sure he's not in here at all..." "All right, fine." Kira raised her hands in protest before leaning forward, elbows resting on her knees. "It'd be a lot easier if I even knew where to begin." "I've always found the beginning is usually a good place." "But that's part of the problem. Something's been sticking to me all day - since I woke up - and I don't even know what it is." Kira leaned back against the couch and stared up at the ceiling, releasing the defense in her posture. "I've been over it in my mind time and time again; there's nothing. Nothing I can remember from my dream, nothing special against today." Kira craned her neck to look at Dax and caught a look of reassurance mixed with confusion. "Look, Ezri - I know both you and Julian are concerned and want to help, but I just don't think there's a way of doing that right now." She sat up again, unable to stay still, and ran a hand through her hair, pulling it tight at the back. "Tell the good doctor... Tell him I'm taking tomorrow off - that should be enough to shut him up." They shared a smile and Kira watched Dax fight not to push further. For all the "uncharacteristic" behavior, taking a day off out of the blue was perhaps the trump card. Even more than Dax's innate curiosity, Kira could see the psychologist in Ezri jockeying for position, a half dozen questions already forming on her lips. "All right," Dax finally convinced herself to say. "I'll tell him. Getting him to believe me may be another story, but I'll tell him." She stood up, still trying to appraise her friend. "If anything surfaces... well, let's just say I've had more than enough experience sorting out resurfacing memories." "Tell Vaughn to clear my schedule." "I'm sure he can handle things. Besides, it keeps him on his toes." Dax stepped over the threshold into the hallway. "Good luck, Nerys. I hope you can find some clarity." Kira nodded as Dax left and pulled off her boots. She had been running on nervous energy and it was still there, in the room with her. Trying to relax was going to be difficult; trying to meditate, impossible. Thankfully, she was too tired to worry about either. (-|-)* "Hey, doll face." Kira opened her eyes and jerked around... but no one was there. *Great, now I'm starting to hallucinate. Guess I was about due.*She reanchored herself in front of the candles, let her body relax, and once again reached for meditation. "Hey, doll face." "Who's there?" she demanded, feeling her muscles tense into readiness. She scanned the room of the cave, cautiously, but still saw nothing. One last look around still revealed no one and she closed her eyes again, trying to shake it off. *Maybe this is getting to me more than I thought.* She tried to relax and steady her mind but the voice was still in her ears. It was familiar, one she had heard before, speaking words she had heard before. Vic Fontaine. Kira realized now the dream she was having, the past that had elusively haunted her all day was once again coming to her. Only this time she acknowledged it. That day in the holosuite, she had been trying to meditate about her recent visit with Shakaar and how strange their relationship had seemed once it was over. It had always been something of a... comfortable arrangement more than anything. They had known each other for so many years - she hadn't had to explain every detail of her life, of her past to him, and there had been comfort for both of them in that. And yet... That was when Vic had somehow transferred herself into her program. "Hey, doll face, you asleep?" This strange hologram whose words made sense less than half the time was somehow in *her* program. In a way, she had almost been grateful for the interruption. "How did you get in here?" Kira found herself split in two, watching from afar as she also relived the memory. Her guard sharpened and relaxed slightly in the same instant. Vic had acted like he knew Odo, knew Odo well, and that had thrown her off perhaps even more than some of the things he was saying... at least what she *thought*he was saying. But she had known Odo for a long time and while they had both grown and changed over the years, Odo was still... Odo. "Odo? Spending time in a holosuite?" she heard herself say. "And loving it." "That's just not the Odo *I* know." "Which tells you what? You don't know him as well as you think you do." The comment had... not hurt exactly but it was a difficult pill to swallow and still was. She was the one who'd known Odo perhaps better than anyone else and yet at the same time, she'd known that somehow Vic was right too; she hardly knew him at all. And if a hologram was right about that... She let the rest of that day wash over her, unfolding in front of her. Things suddenly shifted and it took her a moment to get her bearings. It had been too long since she had been to Vic's, where she had agreed to have dinner with Odo. She looked around, once again the only her there was. Having dinner with Odo was something she had wanted to do for some time, to get him away from their professional relationship and deepen their friendship. He had always gotten off the hook, not having to eat himself, but even when he was human, he hadn't given her the chance. She looked at him now, dressed in a type of human formalwear similar to what Vic was wearing. How many times had she seen him in anything but his uniform? And suddenly she was nervous. As if their entire friendship was being served to them this evening, every moment they had shared as colleagues and friends put up on display. Why she was unsure about simply talking to him, she didn't know. She trusted him and she clung to that. There was no band or crowd as there had been when Julian had introduced them all to his new program. No work, no pretense or distraction either. Even Vic seemed to melt away into the background. "You look lovely." "Thank you" was all she could thing to say. "So do you." This couldn't be Odo standing in front of her. There was a tenuous calm about him, as if he wasn't holding on his defenses as tightly as he had for as long as she could remember. Vic's voice echoed in her head. *You don't know him as well as you think you do.* They moved to the table, just as they had that night. Hiding for the past few days on the edge of her dreams it was now finally showing itself. But why the Prophets would bring her a memory like this... that she still did not know. "Bon a petit." She was drawn back to Odo, this person she had known for so many years and yet something was different. He seemed almost relaxed. "It's French," he continued. "It means 'Enjoy your meal.'" "I didn't know you spoke French." His sudden penchant for spending time in the holosuites, speaking other languages... how much else was there she didn't know? *How could you have? When did you ever ask him about *him*? He's never been the type to volunteer information, Nerys, and you knew that at least. But you never pushed him to talk about himself, not even a nudge. Beyond what he's shared about himself when the situation dictated it, how much did you really know about him?* "... it's funny what you can learn in a holosuite." For once he didn't look away, didn't try to hide his feelings and once again she was caught off guard - surprised that she had never noticed before, surprised by how intense those feelings were, surprised to find herself reciprocating. This man, this friend she had known so long, who knew her so well - why had she not seen it before? *Because you weren't ready to.* Kira drew in a deep breath as Odo asked her to dance. From the moment she took his hand she felt a peace returning to her. She was as confused as she had been and centered somehow at the same time. It called everything about her relationship with Odo into question and answered something deep within her at the same time. How comfortably they fit together. The way Odo held her and looked at her. She looked into his eyes as the music paused and for the first time saw a glimpse of what she had seen on Gaia - the walls had come down, and there he was: Odo, her friend, and Odo, the man who loved her. This was so much more than the artificial adulation she and Shakaar had burned through so quickly. Here, in his arms, she knew she was more than who she had been in the past and even more than who she was at that moment. There was something deeper building between them. Then he started talking strangely, saying it would be difficult for her to leave the holosuite. And the full story was revealed to them both. She was torn between her anger at Vic for tricking them, anger at Vic for making those walls of Odo fly back up as he made his retreat, and anger at herself for not stopping him from leaving. Kira stumbled as the scene shifted again and it took a moment before she fell in step with Dax as they walked the Promenade. Moments of joy, sadness, strength and weakness seemed to flood her mind. Arguments between herself and Odo, some trivial, some quite serious. The way Gaia had so quickly become an unspoken thing between them, swept under the rug for safe keeping. The things that had happened during the Dominion occupation, and so many other moments she had never completely understood. And yet the one constant that emerged through them all was Odo. Odo, the security chief. Odo, her colleague. Odo, her friend. She asked Dax about moments of clarity, looking for reassurance that sometimes things were actually allowed to be as simple as they seemed. Because there was no denying they were any other way. Everything else had been stripped away - doubt, confusion, fear were all gone. The only thing left for her to do was talk to Odo. Almost on cue, Odo strode out of the security office. "Odo!" she called as she ran after him. She determinedly matched his longer stride. "We need to talk about last night." He suggested his office and she knew she was going to have to press the issue like the good Constable himself would have done during an investigation. "... I was thinking dinner." "Dinner?" "...anywhere but a holosuite." She finally looked at him, noticed the carefully bottled emotion. She wondered how he had managed to keep it in check for so long. But she also noticed that it was starting to spill out. Perhaps she had managed to crack into his armor after all. He kept trying to push her away, pushing her off with more questions, until he was grabbing her by the arms and kissing her with more emotion than she had ever known. Their second kiss seemed to break the surrealism of the first, confirming to them both what they had avoided for so long. Kira sat up in bed, eyes wide as she tried to process her dream. Haunted by what she could not remember seemed to pale in comparison now to what had been shown to her. She threw the covers back and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, hands gripping the mattress. She sat there, blindly staring at the floor as the images replayed themselves in her mind. There was no way to even start to... why had... what use... A fogginess started to drift on her, clouding her thoughts and creating a throbbing pain behind her eyes. "Computer, time," she said through a dry throat. "0914 hours." She rubbed at her eyes. She had been carrying Kirayoshi the last time she had slept this late. Her shoulders slumped as far as bones would allow and she leaned as far forward as she could. Why had she volunteered to take the day off? She needed the distraction of working now more than ever. Her springball racquet caught her eye, propped up against the wall in the corner. She stumbled back into her quarter, leaning against the door frame before dragging her feet over the threshold. She collapsed once again onto the couch, the prayer wheel almost mocking her. She would not get the answers she needed there. If not for the Attainder, she would have visited the Temple, perhaps asked to see the Orb. She was overwhelmed, and the clarity she had held in her dream had quickly disappeared. Fatigue spread through her body once again. Last night had been anything but restful. She let her racquet drop to the floor and laid out on the couch, sleep quickly claiming her. (-|-)* "Computer, time," she asked trying to stop a yawn. "1859 hours." Kira pushed herself up off the couch, picking up her racquet, and headed for her bedroom. She opened the closet and threw the racquet in, wincing as it produced a loud reverberating clang. She gingerly kneeled, pulling it back out and reaching back to see what had caused the noise. She felt a smooth surface and lifted it out. His bucket. Her eyes closed in an entirely different kind of pain and she leaned her forehead against the bucket's smooth cool surface. She had felt honored when he had given her the bucket before leaving to fulfill his duty to heal the Great Link. It was such a ordinary item, and yet she knew what it had represented to him, how it had become almost a tribute to his growth over the years. She traced the patterns on the bucket, wondering what it must have been like for him in those days, resting in this small container in his office. *Another thing you never knew.* Kira put the bucket back into the closet and headed for the sonic shower. She needed to get out of her quarters again, to try and get outside of herself. Meditation would be the only way to do that, no matter how much she resisted, and that meant that a trip to the holosuites - and the very site of her haunting dreams - was in order. But first she had to try and get the stink of springball off. She took in a deep breath, the silence a welcome change from even the mediocre crowd in Quark's. The damp, cool air filled her lungs and started to clear her mind. There was a focus to be found, an end to this if she could find it. She sat down in front of the same candles every time; the computer even remembered how far each had been burned down in previous sessions. She placed her hands on her knees, straightened her back and closed her eyes. Even in the holosuite her body keyed into the station's hum, her breathing matching up to the almost imperceptible rhythm. Her mind reached for meditation. Only the silence greeted her. Nerys took another breath, trying to relax her muscles, trying to push aside the last few days. After a few more minutes, she tried again. *Hey, doll face.* A frown creased her forehead. Why this again? Why would the Prophets bring a dream to her waking hours so close on its heels? She shook her head slightly trying to clear her mind. Another deep breath... But now she was focused on remembering that day again. Vic interrupting her had caused her confusion more than anything. His insistence that she have dinner with Odo had her wondering if someone had programmed him to do so. Dax, most likely... although how Dax could have known about Odo's feelings toward her, she was unsure. It had taken her several starts toward the door, trying to decide whether or not to go. In the end, the desire to talk with Odo after being gone on Bajor won out despite her hesitation. It took them both a few moments to let that nervous energy dissipate between them, to realize that no matter the setting or occasion, they were first and foremost friends. The mental capacity to put fork to food and then food to mouth seemed to escape her and she let the champagne bubble down her throat. And then, after proving to be such a delightful dinner companion, he asked her to dance. >From the moment she took his hand a peace had returned to her. Confused and centered somehow at the same time, she started to call everything about her relationship with Odo into question, not only about Odo but about the path the Prophets had laid out for her, the choices she had made. About how comfortably they fit together. About the way Odo held her and looked at her. She looked into his eyes as the music paused and for the first time saw a glimpse of what she had seen on Gaia - the walls had come down, and there he was: Odo, her friend, and Odo, the man who loved her. This was so much more than the artificial adulation she and Shakaar had burned through so quickly. Here, in his arms, she knew she was more than who she had been in the past and even more than who she was at that moment. There was something deeper building between them. She resisted the power of those emotions for only half a moment, but it was enough to break out of what she was beginning to feel. She may not know everything about him, but she knew Odo. And the pieces quickly started to fall into place. She stopped and pulled away from him, trying to steel herself *against* the steel blue eyes gazing at her as she turned quickly to Vic. "Dax put you up to this, didn't she? She transferred your matrix, set this all up as one of her practical jokes." Her voice caught slightly on those last words. It wasn't something Dax would do, even as a joke, but desperation needed to explain what was happening. What other reason could she or anyone else have? She turned back to Odo, the expression on his face one of a sadly amused bewilderment. It was an unguarded Odo - vulnerable by choice - and she didn't want to look at the illusion of it all any more. *Computer...* *Doll face, you don't want to this...* Vic warned, but his words grazed off her. *...end program.* She watched as the lounge, Vic, the band all disappeared. All except Odo - the Odo she had convinced herself was a hologram. He shook his head resignedly, his eyes closed, as she called out the command, and the sadness that hung on him in that moment cut through her. She felt the need to leave, and once he opened his eyes and looked at her, that need was even stronger. Shock washed over him as he looked from her to where Vic had been a few moments ago, his own pieces falling out of place. *You're not a hologram, are you?* She opened her mouth to reply but something about his tone made her own voice fail and reduced her to a simple nod. *Odo, look...* *Nerys...* An explanation. That's all both of them were looking for, a reasoning behind what had happened. And they could help each other find it. *Kira... Major.* She watched as he pulled back into himself, drawing up his guarded personae like a shield and retreated. And in his eyes, she thought she could see every moment of rejection, every doubt and fear he had ever had confirmed. In the empty holosuite, she replayed it all in her mind. The look on Odo's face as he realized he had been tricked. The way she had felt in his arms. The level of closeness and intimacy that had been there so briefly before she had let doubt and confusion take over.* Kira leaned forward and folded her hands behind her neck. That had been a long night as well, as she thought back over the time they had known each other. He had been the only one to be there for her whenever she really needed it - even when she pushed him away or tried to ignore him he had managed to make good use of what he could say. She had wondered if there was a possibility of salvaging what had at first seemed so clear to her. "But he was called away, to Bajor no less, to help Dr. Mora. I didn't see him for nearly two weeks." The words tumbled out her, barely a whisper that fell quiet in the cave. "And when he returned... when he returned he didn't give me the chance to bring it up and slowly I convinced myself that it was all for the best." She wondered what it would have been like to love Odo, love him the way he had loved her. Her pagh ached at the thought, earned for it with every fiber. She sat, staring at the candles until each and every one of them had burned themselves out. (-|-)* Kira leaned against the back wall of the lift as it rose to Ops. The slight jerk as the lift stopped was the only thing to break her from her train of thought. A few reports were passed under her eyes as she scanned them without any recognition. She headed straight for her office and sank into the chair behind her desk, spinning around to stare out into space. Her duty tugged at her, the need to perform her job, but she couldn't dismiss her regret and she couldn't reconcile herself with it. How much of this had Odo felt every day? She ignored the door chime, not moving one iota. The door chimed again, and she let her feet drop to the floor, spinning her chair back to face the companel. The muscles in her neck tightened as she glanced at the door and saw Julian standing there, bouncing ever so slightly as he waited. That meant he was in a good mood, a chipper mood. She tapped a button on her desk and the doors slid open. "What can I do for you, Doctor?" she asked before he had half a foot in the door. Julian hesitated at her abruptness. "If this is a bad time..." "No time will be better, Doctor." Kira kept her focus on the companel. "Well, I came to see how your day off went," he replied, slipping into the seat across from her. Kira shut off the companel she had been pretending to be occupied with and leaned back in her chair, locking her hands together across her stomach. To the untrained eye, she most likely looked no different than she did any other day, a professional station commander. Julian, however, was no such thing; he had known and worked with her far too long to not notice the darkness under her eyes. The way she squinted ever so slightly against the lights of the station. That lack of power in her posture. The emptiness she felt must be clear in her eyes. She looked at Julian, really looked at him. How different he was from the brash and annoying young officer that had first shown up to cut his teeth on 'frontier medicine.' They had all changed so much. "Julian," she started, the edge gone from her tone. "You're probably not my first choice to ask this question, but have you ever regretted... regretted not being with someone?" "Wow." He shifted in his seat, eyes widening as he tried to digest Kira's question. It had definitely not been the type of question he had expected. His mind worked through his past, fleeting crushes, the occasional missed opportunity. But regret? "Jadzia probably brought the greatest torment to my life, but that wasn't for lack of trying. And now I see that Ezri and I are much more suited to each other, but there is a part of me that wonders 'what if'." Bashir looked over at Kira, noticed the way she seemed to stare right through him. Dax hadn't mentioned anyone Kira was interested in; in fact, he couldn't remember anyone they had known about since Shakaar. "Look, Nerys, maybe if you tell me what's going on..." Kira met his eyes and smiled, a sad but sympathetic smile. She rose from her chair and leaned up against the portal window. The stars seemed to help, knowing that somewhere out there... "I appreciate your concern, Julian, I really do. Maybe I'll go track Ezri down; all those lifetimes, there has to be something, right?" she asked, turning to face him. Julian stood slowly. "If you think that's what will help, then by all means. The past few days have been a little erratic for you, Nerys, and we're all here to help you in any way we can." The impact of his words soaked into her as she walked around the desk, patting him on the shoulder in appreciation. "Thanks, Julian." (-|-)* "This is about Odo, isn't it?" Kira stopped mid-stride and turned towards Dax, pulling at her arm to stop her as well. "How did you... wh.." Words disappeared in her confusion. "Julian told me you were asking him about regret. It didn't take me that long to put two and two together, especially knowing how Odo felt about you," Dax replied with a slight shrug of her shoulders. She leaned back against the railing on the Upper Promenade. "And how did you know about that?" This had always been something she thought only Odo and her had known. Kira found herself looking around as her voice seemed to raise an octave with each question. Luckily there weren't that many people out this time of day, most of the shops hadn't even opened yet. "Odo participated in Jadzia's zhian'tara - he and Curzon had quite a bit in common when it came to unrequited love. Between the residue of that and Jadzia's plain instinct... it's not like it wasn't obvious to anyone who knew both of you well." "Julian didn't seem to know." Ezri crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at Kira. "You're really going to stake your argument on Julian? Genetically engineered or not, he has his own blind spots." Kira waved off the comment, abandoning her argument and walking over to the bit of railing next to Dax. She stood there silent for several moments, trying to reason it all away. "When it comes to regret, Trills have had to learn the book backwards and forwards. It's tough to avoid getting swept up into any unfinished business the previous host may have had. I've learned that first hand and the one thing you need to come to terms with about regret is that nothing will ever change. If you can't move past it, Nerys, regret is going to sit there right with you. There's no way to reason through it, no way to make amends. It just is what it is." The Temple was not too far away, and Kira focused her gaze on it. "I keep telling myself that this is the path the Prophets have laid out for me - but what if it isn't? What if things were supposed to be the way they happened in my dream and I messed things up? Now Odo's gone, there's nothing I can do..." A memory surfaced inside Dax, the first time back on DS9 after Ezri had become host. And the Jadzia part of her had wanted so badly to pick up where they had left off, to somehow make up for them being torn apart. They way Torias had felt seeing Kahn again. So many lives, so many years and the feelings still swarmed over Dax as if they had just happened. Ezri uncrossed her arms and gripped the railing. "Then you're going to be living with this for a long time, Nerys. A very long time." (-|-)* All comments to kyroka@hotmail.com Visit Home of the Ky - 8 years strong! http://www.geocities.com/kyroka/ST/ NewMessage: