Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newsswing.news.prodigy.com!prodigy.net!prodigy.com!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "nikita79x" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: FIC: Forever Yesterday (TOS: K/S/Mc), PG Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 479 Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:55:09 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1104299709 209.198.142.218 (Wed, 29 Dec 2004 00:55:09 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 29 Dec 2004 00:55:09 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:86446 X-Received-Date: Tue, 28 Dec 2004 21:55:13 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Title: Forever Yesterday Author: Nikita Series: TOS Pairings: Spock/Zarabeth, Kirk/McCoy, Kirk/Spock/McCoy Rating: PG Summary: Trapped in Sarpeidon's Ice Age, Kirk, McCoy and Spock must=20 Warnings: het, m/m slash, character death. Notes: Spock's lack of control and temper is quite frightening in=20 the episode `All Our Yesterdays' and I have not changed him very=20 much in this fic. Told in a series of entries in a record by McCoy=20 for the most part=85=20=20=20 Also important to note =96 I'm not sure just what Spock and McCoy had=20 when they went through, but I'm assuming that besides both of their=20 tricorders, McCoy had a whole bunch of very useful medicines stuffed=20 in his pockets for just such an occasion. :) Timeline: Takes place after `All Our Yesterdays' =96 veers off canon=20 at the end. In this universe, Kirk was unable to rescue his two=20 companions and instead went through the portal at the moment the=20 star went nova=85 Feedback: nik_cleo@hotmail.com Website: www.koukla.net/nikita_slash Big Thanks to Acid Queen for giving me the necessary push to finish=20 this fic! Sorry it took so long and that there isn't more sex =96=20 maybe next time. ;) ************ /First Entry/ Leonard H. McCoy - formerly Chief Medical Officer of the USS=20 Enterprise:=20=20 The following entries are made from what crude writing implements I=20 have been able to devise in the hopes it might somehow survive the=20 ice age of this planet and reveal our existence as three aliens from=20 distant worlds who managed to die here, thousands of years before=20 our own births... I will not repeat the details of exactly how and why we came to be=20 stranded here on the planet =96 as my companions have already recorded=20 in their own unofficial logs. My desire is to instead show how we=20 have adapted to our change of life/circumstances these past weeks=20 and to record future events as we continue to adjust to our=20 predicament=85 At first we feared the sickness and inability to adapt to the change=20 of time periods as Jim was warned that we weren't prepared for =96=20 however we soon discovered that Jim seemed to have been prepared by=20 Mr. Atoz sometime during their altercation in the library and his=20 body was properly adjusted. Using his readings from the tricorder=20 and what little medical implements I had with me, I was able to=20 prepare a solution of my own in which to inoculate Spock and=20 myself. Beyond a brief period of weakness in the first few days we=20 have seen no further physical effects. I only wish our psychological adjustment could be as easily solved.=20=20 Each of us must deal with the results of our seclusion in this place=20 and time. Jim seems to have lost the most - his ship and the stars were always=20 so vital to his existence before. He hides the true depth of his=20 sorrow in being denied his ship by focusing on keeping us alive and=20 well. I fear he is taking far too much responsibility for our=20 situation here =96 for failing to rescue us. I wish I could convince=20 him that it was simply fate and that it does no good to dwell on=20 what might have been=85 Spock...he is a far tougher nut to crack. Since my confrontation of=20 him, he has retained better control of his emotional outbursts. He=20 continues to sleep with Zarabeth - Jim and I pretty much ignore that=20 fact, sleeping side by side in the back of the cave on our own=20 furs. This seems to be enough of an outlet of his emotion that he=20 greets us each morning with sufficient control and formality.=20=20 Zarabeth is by far the happiest as she now has three companions to=20 break the loneliness of these past years of isolation, though I note=20 that she seems a bit jealous to have to share Spock with others=20 instead of having him all to herself. She has helped us acclimatize=20 ourselves to her lifestyle and has shown us all her tricks in=20 keeping well fed with a steady fire blazing at all times. Someday=20 soon we hope to become as adept as she at living like this. I'm not sure exactly how long our peaceful coexistence can remain,=20 however. It seems to me that there are unresolved issues and=20 tempers just waiting to explode if our precious balance is upset. I=20 just hope that when the dam does break, we manage to weather the=20 resulting deluge together as we have so many times before on the=20 Enterprise. /next entry/ A new development - and one that is rather worrisome. Zarabeth is=20 pregnant. I had hoped that the Sarpeidons were not compatible with=20 Vulcans and/or humans, but somehow this odd mixture of Vulcan/Human=20 and Sarpeidon has proved viable. For now, anyway. She progresses=20 fairly well and I curse my lack of sickbay instruments that keep me=20 from better observation and treatment of this pregnancy - my medical=20 tricorder can only do so much. Jim has confided with me in private that he is worried at the=20 fluctuating emotional control that Spock seems to suffer from=20 lately. An increased protectiveness of Zarabeth has led to a strain=20 in the relations amongst the four of us. Spock allows me to examine=20 her only under his direct supervision and Jim is kept at a distance=20 from her at all times. This has made our life in the cave a bit=20 difficult to manage, but there has been no violent outbursts...yet. My greatest worry, however, is the birth itself. I am glad for my=20 past medical training in emergency birthing without modern=20 technology, but I know that this birth will likely be even more=20 dangerous than any one of the species the child will be. If it was=20 strictly human or Vulcan or Sarpeidon it would have a better chance=20 of survival, as would Zarabeth. Being a unique hybrid of all three=20 makes this birth a great risk for medical complications. The=20 chances that Zarabeth will make it to full term...the birth going=20 well...and the child living past its first breath...are far too=20 little and keep me awake at nights staring at the cave walls or the=20 sleeping lump of Jim under the furs beside me. It would be better that she lost the child now...it would be far=20 more medically sound and would be the best chance to save at least=20 one life =96 even if it ends another, but I have not dared to suggest=20 it to her underneath the threat of Spock's eyes.=20=20 I shall have to, though...it is my responsibility as her physician=20 to give her the choice and the knowledge of the risks of her=20 condition... I will do so tomorrow. Even though Spock will be=20 there as always... /next entry/ Jim Kirk, writing for Leonard McCoy:=20=20 As Bones last entry suggested, he told Zarabeth of the dangers and=20 her option of ending the pregnancy. I was there to witness Spock's=20 sudden and complete loss of control as he struck Bones and attempted=20 to throttle him against the cave wall beside them. I intervened as=20 best I could, though my strength was no match for a crazed Vulcan=20 and it was only Zarabeth's pleas that kept him from breaking Bones'=20 neck in his strong hands. I hope it was also a return of a bit of=20 his own sanity that led him to finally let go of McCoy. Not only a=20 reminder that they were once colleagues and that Vulcans should not=20 brutally murder, but also that without a doctor, Zarabeth's chances=20 of survival would be that much slimmer. And so now I sit in the back of the cave with Bones and watch him=20 rest as he heals from this foolish endeavor while Zarabeth soothes=20 Spock's fears and temper in the chamber next to us. I can't help=20 but feel angry with Bones for doing this. Reading over his last=20 entry I know that he was well aware of the risks. He knew that=20 Spock would attack him for his suggestion. He knew and he did it=20 anyway. Without consulting me. Am I not still the Captain? He=20 should have told me! What other use do I have if not to help guide=20 us through these times and keep us all alive as best I can?=20=20 He did this without telling me and I'm furious at him for it.=20=20 Furious and scared and full of absurd affection for him at doing=20 it. So typical of him...to care more for others than for his own=20 safety. His need to be the best doctor and caregiver that he can=20 be... His strength and fearlessness in the face of a maddened=20 Vulcan... I love him for it. It is a bizarre feeling to admit to=20 myself. It is not simply love of a friend...if I am honest - it is=20 a love that I have noticed growing and deepening as the days pass.=20=20 It was there before this mess of a mission...before our forced=20 intimacy and lack of privacy... Bones is stirring now - I should go to him. He will be all right, I=20 think. Just bruised and hoarse until he heals naturally. I will=20 have to take better care of his interactions with Spock from now=20 on. He admitted to me that this isn't the first time Spock has lost=20 his temper with him and physically attacked him - it happened before=20 I crossed over here.=20=20 I will not let it happen again.=20=20 /next entry/ Leonard McCoy continuing: It has been nearly a week since my last entry. Jim has been most=20 attentive of my health and my safety. He no longer leaves the cave=20 without either Spock or I with him. He takes great care to keep his=20 physical presence between the two of us during meals and my=20 examinations of Zarabeth. Spock, for his part, seems more subdued=20 and less threatening to me. I'm not sure if it was Jim's doing or=20 Zarabeth's, but someone got through to him, apparently, and he is no=20 longer quite as physically intimidating towards me. He does,=20 however, watch me still with those intent eyes whenever I make a=20 move during the examinations or step closer in Zarabeth's direction=20 during the day-to-day tasks.=20=20 Despite this - Zarabeth did manage to confer with me about her own=20 feelings about the pregnancy. She's happy. Very happy. The=20 greatest injustice of her imprisonment here for her has been that=20 she was separated from her family. She hadn't dared dream that she=20 would one day have a child. I'm still uncertain how much of her=20 affection for Spock is simply loneliness and desperate need to cling=20 to him, but I am happy for her in her genuine affection for the=20 child growing in her womb. I will do everything in my power to keep=20 her and her child safe, but I still worry about their futures. And=20 Spock...if he were to lose Zarabeth and the child...I fear for what=20 is left of his sanity.=20=20 Despite our strained relationship of late, he is still the same good=20 man beneath his turbulent emotions that he was on the Enterprise. I=20 know that he greatly regrets his reduced restraint and control over=20 his baser self. It is only the chance to love and be accepted by=20 Zarabeth that seems to make him happy and makes me think that=20 perhaps this situation we find ourselves in isn't a complete loss. I think about our loss a great deal. I've spoken of Jim and Spock=20 dealing with their losses, but only recently realized I haven't=20 mentioned my own feelings. I miss the Enterprise, as we all do, but=20 my greatest regret is that I was unable to say goodbye to my=20 daughter. I was a distant father. I had my reasons at the time,=20 but I now realize the depth of my loss as I look at Zarabeth's=20 growing belly and remember my own excitement and fears for Jocelyn=20 and Joanna in those early days... I wish I could go back and do it=20 all over again, somehow be a better father and husband. But that's=20 a useless wish and so I must put it aside again and dwell on the=20 future. And speaking of our future...with Spock increasingly wrapped up in=20 Zarabeth and the child, Jim seems to have taken to sticking with me=20 like glue. Besides the overprotective aspect of his attentions, he=20 also seems...well, 'interested'. Which I thought was all in my mind=20 until I read the entry before this. Apparently with a limited=20 amount of companionship available he has decided to turn to the only=20 one not paired down here and has convinced himself that it is love,=20 not lust.=20=20 I'm of mixed feelings on this issue. On the one hand, it is damned=20 lonely in that bed of furs in the back - especially hearing the=20 going-ons nearby. And on the other hand...I'm feeling a bit like=20 the last pickings in the barrel just now. If Spock weren't here Jim=20 would have swept her off her feet long ago and she'd be=20 carrying `his' baby right now. And if Zarabeth weren't here, I have=20 a feeling there might be something between Jim and Spock before=20 there would be anything between Jim and I...or even Spock and I...=20=20 It's a difficult situation we find ourselves in.=20=20 I suppose we'll just have to make the best of it. /next entry/ The pregnancy is beginning to drain on Zarabeth's strength. I've=20 done what I can, but she continues to worsen. Spock's behavior=20 continues to be extremely protective and isolated from us as he=20 hovers over her all day. Jim and I are worried, but there is little=20 we can do that will not provoke an argument with Spock and neither=20 of us wants to upset Zarabeth in this condition.=20=20 /next entry/ It's done. Zarabeth delivered a healthy baby boy early this=20 morning, but the stress of the birth coupled with the drain the=20 pregnancy had on her body was too much for her and she died within=20 minutes of delivering despite my best efforts.=20=20 Spock has yet to react outwardly =96 as it isn't practical to bury or=20 burn her body in what limited shelter we have =96 he decided to carry=20 her out a distance into the ice and snow. Jim went with him and=20 hasn't returned yet. I am left to care for the child as best I can =96 he seems robust and likely to survive. His delicate features=20 remind me of Zarabeth, but the eyebrows and ears are definitely=20 Vulcan. He cries unendingly as he seems to sense the horrible=20 catastrophe his birth has wrought. I wish I could comfort him. It=20 wasn't his fault.=20=20 It wasn't anyone's.=20=20 /next entry/ I have been far too busy of late to record much of our life as I=20 seem to have been thrust with the full responsibility of the babe.=20=20 Jim holds him occasionally, but seems to think his former occupation=20 exempts him of diapering and feeding. =96 a notion I will be=20 disabusing him of rather soon.=20=20 And yet =96 I can't begrudge the effort and time that is consumed with=20 caring for the child =96 he is sweet and innocent and brings out a=20 rather protective instinct in me. I feel as if he were my own child. Which brings me to Spock =96 he has yet to acknowledge the child=20 beyond an occasional glance and his successful endeavor in making a=20 formulaic substance for the child to be fed in place of its mother's=20 milk. He has changed much in the past few days. Gone is any hint=20 of emotion =96 the rage and depression that Jim and I had expected and=20 feared are being severely repressed. It is very odd that with=20 Zarabeth's death he has somehow regained his former control.=20=20 Instead of being relieved as I might have been at the beginning of=20 our failed mission =96 I now am more afraid for him than ever. Jim=20 and I have been unsure of how to crack this steely exterior of his=20 and help him heal.=20=20 /next entry/ I am continually amazed at the healing power of hope and love. Jim=20 and I were so worried at Spock's behavior that we finally resorted=20 in drastic measures to crack his Vulcan stoicism. Leaving the child=20 on our furs, we left the cave together without informing Spock as he=20 busied himself in his makeshift lab in the back of the cavern. I=20 was very nervous at leaving the baby so unprotected and alone, but=20 Jim and I knew that a breakthrough is needed.=20=20 As I heard the first cries, it nearly broke my heart, but Jim led me=20 away from the opening of the cave before we could hear Spock's=20 footsteps. His own shouts were drowned by the howling wind, but I=20 knew he was bellowing for us to come back and tend the child=20 immediately. We waited as long as we dared out in the cold =96=20 stamping our boots and rubbing each other's arms to keep the numbing=20 chill at bay. Finally, when we could wait no more, we crept back=20 towards the cave and found it quiet. Inside, on Spock's own furs sat father and son. Spock held the=20 child carefully in his arms as he stared deeply into the infant's=20 black eyes. Jim and I waited silently until finally we heard the=20 faint chanting in Vulcan. It was a beautiful sound and one that=20 even the baby seemed to understand had great significance. Spock=20 looked up at us as the final words left his lips and he held the=20 baby out for me to take as he spoke softly, "His name is Zarak, son=20 of Spock." I wish I could say that Spock's brief connection and naming of his=20 son helped ease his grief and bring him out of his shell, but he=20 soon returned to his usual routine solitude and avoidance. He did=20 not smile or frown =96 did not seem particularly interested in his=20 tinkerings in his lab and he barely responded to Jim and I unless=20 directly questioned. It was worrying to say the least, but neither=20 Jim nor I had any better ideas so we continued life as we knew it=20 and hoped for the best. It was during this time that I finally=20 decided to give in to Jim's invitations to his furs. Loneliness and=20 an increasing awareness of how short and precious life had finally=20 led me to want to grab any bit of happiness I could. One night, after the baby had fallen asleep, I propped myself up on=20 one elbow and looked over at Jim as we lay in our furs. He's a=20 handsome man and he knows it well enough. He's not vain, really,=20 but well acquainted with his charms and the ease at which he wins=20 bedmates. I had never thought to be a target of his charms before.=20=20 He looked up at me as I stared at him, flashing that boyish grin of=20 his, and I simply had to lean forward and kiss him =96 I won't share=20 the details of what happened, but suffice to say it was a very=20 pleasing encounter=85very pleasing. What's important to note is that=20 just as we were drifting to sleep I became aware of a presence=20 watching us in the dark. Spock's dark eyes glittered at us from=20 across the chamber. Jim was already snoring beside me, but at my=20 gasp of surprise he woke up and asked me what was wrong. By the=20 time I looked back over - Spock was gone.=20 /next entry/ The last few days have been fraught with an increasing level of=20 tension. Spock seems to be watching our every movement with a level=20 of interest that makes me feel like we are under a microscope. His=20 eyes follow us at our tasks and when Jim touched my shoulder at one=20 point I could feel those Vulcan eyes drilling holes in the back of=20 my neck. I wondered at first if he was jealous of me. As I said=20 before =96 I always thought there was some unspoken attraction between=20 the two of them in the past.=20=20 I was quickly disabused of this notion the next time Jim and I were=20 under our furs. One moment Jim and I were kissing and the next =96=20 Jim was ripped off of me and flung across the cave and into=20 darkness. It seems that Spock was jealous of Jim=85not I. His hands=20 were hot and rough as they groped me=85he tried to meld with me, but=20 Jim hit him from behind and knocked him off of me. I worried at=20 first that Spock was seriously injured, but he shook off the blow=20 and seemed to come to his senses quickly enough and backed away to=20 his own bed. Zarak woke during the ruckus and screamed his head off=20 for over an hour before I could calm him back to sleep.=20=20 That was three days ago =96 there have been no further incidents, but=20 he continues to watch us and I fear it is only a matter of time=20 before he loses control once more. I don't understand why he has chosen me and not Jim. Perhaps it is=20 my proximity to the child. By being the primary caregiver to Zarak,=20 Spock has assigned me the - I will `not' say woman's role=85but rather=20 a maternal role and therefore submissive one. Which I suppose means=20 he sees me as, dare I say it, a suitable mate. Damn, I wish I could speak to him as I used to=85it's so difficult to=20 think of him in the terms of a primitive man rather than the=20 civilized scientist I've known these past few years. His intellect=20 is still there=85I see glimpses of it, but his focus and control are=20 deteriorating. I worry for Jim's safety if Spock truly sees him as=20 a challenger. I remember all to well what happened with Spock's Pon=20 Farr=85I will not allow Jim to put himself in harm's way again. For now my next course of action will be to get Jim to finally take=20 over some of the feeding and diapering duties around here. High=20 time he discovered his own maternal side. /next and final entry - epilogue/ It's been a few years since I last wrote in this journal. Not only=20 have I been extremely busy, but I've also wondered if it is a good=20 idea to leave this record behind. At one time I had some hope that=20 the record would be found amongst those of Jim and Spock someday by=20 a Sarpeidon archeologist=85perhaps such an odd record by three alien=20 beings perishing in their distant past would find its way to the=20 great library and into Mr. Atoz's hands.=20=20 But the things I've recorded=85and those I still have to record would=20 not make much of a dignified tale for the end of three Starfleet=20 officers. Not that I worry much about what is Starfleet approved=20 behavior anymore. Rather difficult to justify living in a three-way=20 relationship with my former captain and a feral Vulcan while caring=20 for said Vulcan's bastard son.=20=20 It's an odd life =96 and not one I envisioned for myself years ago=20 when I became a doctor or joined Starfleet. But it's one I've come=20 to enjoy and take comfort from=85I cannot imagine a life in which I=20 did not care for Zarak or love Jim and Spock the way I do now.=20=20 We've come to an arrangement, the three of us. Spock's passionate=20 nature remains unchanged, but he is no longer violent or jealous.=20=20 We've found equilibrium amongst the three of us. We're happy in our=20 own way. We share the same furs, the same duties, and the same=20 affection and pride in Zarak's progress.=20=20 He will be a fine man someday=85I only regret we cannot give him all=20 that much of a future. He will never know a ship such as the one=20 Jim tells him of every night at bedtime. I can teach him what I=20 know of medicine, but he'll never apply it to a patient other than=20 the three of us=85 Spock teaches him Science and Vulcan culture=85but=20 he'll never know the man his father once was. And Zarak will never=20 know his mother=85or any other inhabitant of this planet. He'll never=20 marry and have children=85never know love other than the love we have=20 for him as our son. I hate that he'll never have a normal life=85but=20 we'll give him what we can. I must avoid dwelling on what cannot be, and be grateful for what we=20 have =96 each other.=20=20 Perhaps I will leave this record unchanged=85 END =20=20 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. Most recent messages can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML. NewMessage: