Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!elnk-nf2-pas!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newshub.sdsu.edu!newshosting.com!nx01.iad01.newshosting.com!yellow.newsread.com!news-toy.newsread.com!netaxs.com!newsread.com!POSTED.newshog.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "Nick" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: N2U TNG: "Affliction" P/Q [NC-17] AU 1/1 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 199 Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 15:55:13 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: newshog.newsread.com 1104422113 209.198.142.218 (Thu, 30 Dec 2004 10:55:13 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 10:55:13 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:86517 X-Received-Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 07:55:16 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Title: Affliction Author: Nick (plan 9 channel 7 at witty dot com) Series: TNG Rating: R Codes: P/Q, A/U Part: 1/1 Summary: An A/U Picard battles his own internalized homophobia as he=20 My other SAC story, which I had to write to balance the mushiness of=20 the last one. Heh. Note: This story deals with themes that, for obvious and=20 understandable reasons, don't crop up very often in Trek fics. That's=20 what Alternate Universes are for. There aren't any replicators or=20 combadges - you've been warned. It had been the season, the man would tell himself afterwards, though=20 he wouldn't believe it. But he wasn't meant to, not really. It was=20 only practice for when he would have to lie about it later. That he=20 had been lonely would not be called into question, and that it was an=20 especially bitter December had been well documented. More homeless=20 had died in the streets during that winter than in the last three=20 combined, and all for want of warmth, of shelter. How long had Jean- Luc been without warmth? Without shelter? Should he have lain down to=20 die among the indigent when there were strong arms opening to enfold=20 him?=20 He knew what his family would say, and his neighbors, but for once he=20 wasn't asking them. For once the only opinion that mattered to Jean- Luc was his own, and he was going to listen carefully enough to hear=20 it, however meekly it might present itself at first. It was strange=20 to think of any part of himself as meek. He was gentle, certainly,=20 and calm, but years of responsibility and discipline had hardened=20 him, and he had had no one to temper his rigidity. No, that wasn't=20 quite true. He had allowed no one to temper his rigidity.=20 Jean-Luc had known of Q's affection for as long as he had known of=20 what he had come to think of as Q's affliction, which was many years=20 by that December. He had learned of both on a soggy, liquor sloshed=20 evening when their friendship was young, when they, in fact, were=20 young, and still full of optimism for the fulfillment and=20 satisfaction promised to obedient children and dutiful young adults.=20 At first, Jean-Luc had played the part of bewildered but stubbornly=20 broadminded friend, finding it easy to mimic the tolerant disgust he=20 had seen occasionally in the schoolyard and more often at home.=20 However, it eventually became apparent to Jean-Luc (and possibly to=20 Q, though his friend was possessed of far too much grace to mention=20 it outright) that Q's affliction was shared between them.=20 So many nights had been wasted on that charade, the man couldn't help=20 thinking, although he found it a dirty thought and tried to put it=20 away. It all seemed dirty to him, stained, while at the same time=20 feeling like the most immaculate thing he could readily call to=20 memory. What could be dirty about it? They hadn't fallen into bed one=20 night only to find themselves falling further the next morning, onto=20 the altar, with a helpless, soft-skulled new life nipping at their=20 heels. They weren't neglecting the attention or affection they had=20 promised someone else to frolic together in illicit rendezvous. Jean- Luc had been married to his work, and Q was always and forever=20 married to himself, and their one illicit rendezvous had been fraught=20 with grief and twenty years in the making.=20 More dirty thoughts haunted the man as he lay alone, knees knocking=20 with cold, under an army blanket in his unforgiving twin bed. He had=20 told himself for years that his insistence on using army surplus=20 clothes, utensils, and linens was rooted in a sense of nostalgia or=20 even pride, and he maintained publicly that he was simply used to a=20 Spartan lifestyle that could not be accommodated by more civilian=20 articles. Now, though, in the dark, he had to wonder whether he=20 hadn't simply been punishing himself with deprivation -- deprivation=20 of comfort, deprivation of convenience, deprivation of individuality.=20 And what he had allowed Q to do to him, what he had wanted Q to do to=20 him that night, last night, mere hours before the birth of the new=20 year=85 had that been punishment, too? Or had it been an eleventh hour=20 reprieve? He had difficulty imagining a healthy man lying passively=20 on his side as his friend huddled behind him, forced close by the=20 narrowness of a bed built for one and drawn closer by=85 what, exactly?=20 Love? He was sure that his father loved his uncle who was not really=20 his uncle, but certainly such a thing had never happened, could never=20 happen, should never happen between them. Desire? Was it possible? It=20 had felt like desire, pressing against him, pressing inside of him,=20 while he did nothing to stop it. No, he was being too generous with=20 himself. He had not been passive; he had whispered pleas in the dark,=20 or, more specifically, he had whispered, "Please=85 Please=85 Please." He=20 had raised his knee and opened himself to Q. He had wished for the=20 nerve to turn around and lie on his back, to watch it all with=20 dilated pupils in the near-black.=20 Would a healthy man do that? And yet, he had had every opportunity to=20 be healthy. His parents were kind and understanding, and their high=20 expectations had only spurred him to achieve his high potential.=20 School had not been as easy for him as it had seemed for some others,=20 but perhaps that was because he hadn't let it be easy. He had refused=20 to let his classmates by with the insensitivity and irresponsibility=20 so characteristic of young people in his experience, and he had found=20 that if he spoke to one of them calmly, on an individual basis, he=20 could often get his point across. It had been in school that his=20 natural leadership qualities had begun to show themselves. Perhaps if=20 he had not felt so responsible for others, if he had not put himself=20 into the unenviable position of role model for so many, he would have=20 allowed himself more freedom to pursue his=85 questionable interests.=20 As it was, with the exception of emergencies, he had made a career=20 out of taking only those actions he could thoroughly justify, of=20 which loving another man had never been one. If a young subordinate=20 came to him for his advice on the subject, the best he had ever been=20 able to offer was an understanding, "I really don't know." But his=20 career was over now, and had been for several years. Maybe it was=20 time to unshoulder the old requirement of outward justification. He=20 had to admit that if any part of him had truly objected, the event=20 that now made him feel alternately sullied and euphoric would never=20 have occurred.=20 When Q had come to him with nowhere to go and no other friend on whom=20 to impose himself, Jean-Luc might have offered his bed and gone to=20 curl up in the armchair across the room. Instead, he had told himself=20 that the exceptional cold made sharing the bed with anyone preferable=20 to sleeping alone, and his friend had not objected. Why should he?=20 Jean-Luc thought bitterly. Q had been waiting, always waiting, for=20 his friend to find the courage to let go of the pretense of=20 difference between them. As much as he resisted accepting himself,=20 Jean-Luc had long ago accepted Q for who and what he was, and he=20 found that it was strangely easy to see things from his point of view=20 where the two of them were concerned. When they had been young, he=20 had watched Q dally here and there, always with only mild enthusiasm.=20 Even when his friend bubbled and gushed about a particularly=20 promising new companion, it was always with the mutual understanding=20 that whatever he may enjoy about the company of another was=20 overshadowed by his enjoyment of the opportunity to share it with=20 Jean-Luc. As he thought about it, the old soldier increasingly=20 regarded Q's respect for his self-imposed boundaries as unfortunate.=20=20 How might he have responded to a more overt advance? How might his=20 life have been different? Would he be happy now, warm and content, or=20 would he have merely exchanged old regrets for new ones? But no way=20 of looking at the situation could make any of it Q's fault. Q had=20 given him exactly what he had wanted but had never had the heart to=20 ask for -- acceptance. Jean-Luc could only hope that the deep=20 acceptance he was now sure he had always felt for Q had been=20 communicated as clearly.=20 What if it hadn't? It would be regretful but not the end. It wasn't=20 over, *they* weren't over. He still had time to say something, to do=20 something. Any time now, the latch on his door would shift and Q=20 would ease himself into the dimly lit one-room apartment with his=20 arms full of things, Q's things. It could be an old friend taking=20 brief refuge while he set the affairs of his life in order, or it=20 could be something more. For the first time, Jean-Luc truly=20 understood how much of the decision lay on his own shoulders. He knew=20 now that there was nothing glib or transitory about Q's affection for=20 him; that much had been plain from the moment he came, in desperate=20 silence, into his friend's loving hand, full of him and surrounded=20 entirely by his warm acceptance. Jean-Luc wasn't sure whether he=20 could say it out loud, wasn't sure whether he could pronounce his own=20 affection the way most lovers might expect, but maybe Q would=20 understand. Q had done nothing but understand, in all their years=20 together. It seemed obscene to expect still more from him, but if it=20 were the only way it would have to do. Jean-Luc hoped that in time he=20 would be able to pay his friend what recompense was fitting for a=20 lifetime of understanding and sacrifice.=20 The door clicked, squeaked, and then Q's form was outlined in the=20 sickly light from the hall for a moment before it closed again.=20 "Jean-Luc? Are you awake?" There was a swish and a thump as Q laid=20 his burdens in the far corner.=20 "I'm here." Jean-Luc watched as Q's gaze wandered blinkingly until=20 his eyes became accustomed to the near darkness. He wondered if his=20 suddenly shallow breathing was as audible as it seemed to him, but if=20 Q noticed he gave no sign.=20 "Are you cold, Jean-Luc?" Understand, Jean-Luc thought. Please, if=20 there is a God, Q, understand just once more. Q neared the bed on=20 heavy, quiet feet.=20 "Yes." Jean-Luc closed his eyes and didn't breathe again until he=20 felt the mattress shift with the weight of Q sliding into bed beside=20 him. A strong arm slid across his chest and drew him in as though it=20 were a familiar, natural thing to do, and somehow it was.=20 "Better?" Frozen with fear but melting by the moment, Jean-Luc=20 pressed his face into his friend's neck. "Yes, Q. Yes." [The End] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. Most recent messages can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML. NewMessage: