Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!newsswing.news.prodigy.com!prodigy.net!newsfeed.cwix.com!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "djinn_fic" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: NEW: TOS Claiming Happiness 1/2 (R) K/Ch Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 930 Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 17:55:04 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1103997304 209.198.142.218 (Sat, 25 Dec 2004 12:55:04 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 12:55:04 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:86250 X-Received-Date: Sat, 25 Dec 2004 09:55:24 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) TITLE: Claiming Happiness AUTHOR: Djinn CONTACT: djinn@djinnslair.com http://www.djinnslair.com SERIES: TOS RATING: R CODES: K/Ch PART: 1/2 SUMMARY: This is the first Kirk/Chapel pairing I ever did--it's been=20 letting them play. Thanks to Rabble Rouser and Trekki for the beta! Happiness serves hardly any other purpose than to=20 make unhappiness possible. - Marcel Proust Happiness is a hard master=97particularly other=20 people's happiness. - Aldous Huxley Kirk sat back, watching his bridge crew work. Then he swiveled to=20 face Spock at the science station. "What do we have on D'Ahlhal?" "Not much, Captain. The D'Ahlhali are a xenophobic race. They have=20 denied Federation landing parties access to their world for the last=20 twenty years." Spock looked up from his monitor. "We will be the=20 first to visit there, Captain." "Why now?" Kirk got up, walked over to the science station. "The=20 Klingons?" Spock nodded. "So it would seem. There have been a number of=20 Klingon incursions into D'Ahlhali space." Kirk sighed. "How recently?" "Twice in the last month. I am not sure what it is that D'Ahlhal=20 offers that they find so tempting." "Sir, I have an incoming message from Starfleet Command." Uhura=20 looked over at him. "They're requesting privacy channel." "I'll take it in my office." He looked over at Spock, debated=20 asking him to come with him.=20=20 "I can wait outside while you take the comm," Spock said evenly,=20 already rising.=20=20 Kirk grinned. "Just like the old days." Spock's eyebrow rose as a slight smile grew, and Kirk immediately=20 regretted saying that. But then there was a softness in Spock's=20 expression, as if he knew what Kirk was thinking. He shook his head=20 slightly, seemingly excusing them both from any lapse. Following Spock onto the lift, Kirk rode in silence, his eyes=20 resolutely forward. He wasn't in the mood for anything too=20 personal.=20=20 "You are well?" He nodded. "I am also." At Kirk's look, Spock almost smiled. "Since you do=20 not appear inclined to inquire, I thought I would tell you." Kirk looked down, a smile playing at his mouth. "This=20 is...difficult." "Why?" Spock's expression was angelic, as if he didn't know that=20 making Kirk talk about what happened in the past--and the current=20 state of their relationship--might be a way to bring it back to life. "You know why. And I'm not falling for that. I know you too well,=20 old friend." He saw a flicker of disappointment cross Spock's face, but then=20 Spock nodded. "I would knock my king over if we were playing chess." "It's not a game, Spock. There doesn't have to be a winner and a=20 loser." "I fail to see how that can be. From my perspective, Christine has=20 clearly won." Then he added, "Even if it was my own fault." Kirk laughed. "Yes, let's not examine that right now, okay?"=20=20 Spock nodded. "I need you Spock. You're my friend and my first officer. I rely=20 on you. That's going to have to be enough." "I know, Jim." Spock's face was pure Vulcan-calm. But his eyes=20 weren't completely tranquil. "You left." "You said not to examine that." "Well, I changed my mind."=20=20 The door opened before Kirk could continue. Charging off the lift,=20 he glared back at Spock. "You do this on purpose." Spock wisely did not argue. "I will remain here while you take the=20 message." Kirk nodded and felt a moment of relief when the doors shut Spock=20 away from him. "Uhura, patch the message through." "Aye, sir."=20 His terminal lit up. Admiral Nogura looked grim. "Jim, I need you=20 to table the visit to D'Ahlhal." "Why?"=20=20 "We've gotten some mixed intel on the place. It might be nothing,=20 but just put off your visit for now. I'll let you know when we want=20 you to go in." Kirk sat down. "What aren't you telling me, sir?" Nogura sighed. "It's those damned Klingons. They're in and out of=20 the sector; we don't know why. I'm not putting our newest ship at=20 their disposal. I don't care how important it is to some of my=20 colleagues to open up relations." He slammed his hand on his desk,=20 the way he always did at staff meetings. "Understood, sir." Kirk studied his boss. "Our new orders?" "Rendezvous with the Curie--we're sending coordinates to you. They=20 need an escort to Foremis V." "Aye, sir." He frowned. Escort duty wasn't that unusual, but he=20 wasn't sure what was on the Curie that needed the flagship's=20 protection. Nogura smiled. "I know what you're about to ask. And I can't tell=20 you. Just don't let anyone bother that ship, is that understood?" Kirk nodded. "Awful lot of things you're not telling me, sir." Nogura gave him the look. "And I'm sure you'll tell me all about them when you're ready." Nogura ginned. "That's why I like you, Jim. You always understand=20 me." He was already hitting the switch when he said, "Nogura out." Kirk sat for a moment, then opened his door, letting Spock=20 in. "We're not going to D'Ahlhal." Spock did not question it, just raised an eyebrow. "Our new orders?" "We're on escort duty, Mister Spock." Kirk grinned. "From ferry to=20 bodyguard--our missions aren't exactly utilizing our full potential." Spock nodded. "It is somewhat of a let down." "Is it?"=20=20 "Since my meld with V'ger, I find that I feel more than I did=20 previously, or than I allowed myself to feel." Spock let that hang=20 out there, let it be what he probably knew it was. Very tempting. Kirk chose to ignore it. "Well, I'm sorry if that meld led you to=20 greater boredom, Spock." "That is not precisely what I meant, Jim." "Somehow I knew that." He stood up, smiling at Spock. "Chess=20 tonight?" "You are not otherwise occupied?" "I am. Later. But if you want to play chess, I can fit you into my=20 schedule." He shot Spock a warning look--don't push this, don't=20 make this difficult. Spock nodded graciously. "I shall look forward to it." Kirk smiled. As much as he sometimes felt like he was negotiating a=20 minefield when he was talking to Spock, he still missed him, still=20 looked forward to time spent together. Their relationship as lovers=20 was over, but they were still friends, and he still relied on Spock. He couldn't imagine that ever changing.=20=20 --------------------- "Mom, are you sure you're okay?" Chapel felt a moment of panic as=20 she looked at her mother's wrist. The comm channel wasn't very=20 good, but the wrist looked fine. "Christine, I told you. It was just a little accident. I'm good as=20 new." Her mother looked down. "I shouldn't have told you." "Yes, you should have." "You're out there, dear. What can you do about something like=20 this?" Her mother smiled. "At least you're happy. You are happy,=20 aren't you, Christine?" Chapel thought about Jim and Spock playing chess. Wondered what=20 they were talking about. She'd had to fight the urge to wander up=20 to the lounge. But she had to trust him. And she had to trust=20 herself--that she'd made the right decision to come with Jim. That=20 he wasn't going to hurt her the way McCoy--and some of her other=20 friends--seemed to think he would.=20=20 "Christine?" "I'm happy, Mom." It sounded terribly weak. "I better go. I don't want to tie up the channels. I love you,=20 sweetheart." "I love you too, Mom." She picked up one of her padds, tried to lose herself in the=20 research she was doing, but her mind refused to focus. She kept=20 imagining her mother falling off the ladder. She must have been=20 working in her studio again. She was too old to be crawling all=20 over ladders. Giving up on the research, she began to pace. She wasn't looking=20 forward to duty tomorrow. She and McCoy needed to have a talk, and=20 she couldn't put it off any longer. But she wasn't sure she=20 wouldn't just be making things worse if she forced him into a=20 conversation he didn't want to have. Had he really wanted more from her than just friendship--or whatever=20 it was they had between them? Sometimes she wasn't sure what kind=20 of relationship they had.=20=20 Her comm unit chimed, and she walked over to it slowly. "Chapel." "I'm back in my quarters. If you want to join me?" Jim smiled at=20 her. Did he smile at Spock that way? "Hon?"=20=20 "I'll be there in a bit. I'm finishing up some work." "Okay. Sure." He frowned a little. "Take your time, I'll still be=20 here." He cut the connection. Would he? Would he still be there if she took too long? Spock would be waiting. She thought Spock would always be waiting. Why was she here? Should she have stayed on Earth? Had it been=20 stupid to come here? She sat down, trying to find some inner peace, using disciplines=20 that reminded her too much of the Vulcan ones she'd once studied in=20 her attempts to impress Spock. She picked up her padd, put it down=20 again. Finally, she took a shower, hoping the water would relax her. She pictured her mother's shower--it didn't have a handrail. If her=20 mother fell in the shower, who would know to check? She toweled off, trying to not worry about things that weren't new.=20=20 Her mother had been on her own since Chapel's dad had died.=20=20 Slipping in the shower was not a new hazard. She got dressed and dried her hair, spending a lot of time putting=20 makeup on, then more time wiping it off. She didn't want to look=20 like she was trying too hard. Like she was competing with Spock. Finally, she forced herself out of her quarters and walked to Jim's,=20 ringing the chime for admittance. She didn't have to, he'd keyed=20 her into the access list. But she didn't like to abuse that.=20=20 Didn't want to walk in on someone's private conversation with the=20 captain--unless that person was Spock.=20=20 Jim's cheery "Come," immediately irritated her. She walked in=20 slowly, almost turning around when she didn't see him at first.=20=20 Then he peeked around the corner, giving her a heart-stopping grin=20 as he said, "Hey, I was wondering if you were ever going to show." "I'm here." She hated how cold her voice sounded. "And in one hell of a mood." He moved away from the closet, pulling=20 his shirt over his head as he did it. "What's wrong?" He started=20 to draw her towards him, and she jerked away. "I didn't come here for sex." He dropped his arms, pursed his lip slightly. "Okay." He walked=20 around her, went to his bureau and poured two glasses of scotch. As=20 he handed one to her, he asked, "What did you come here for, Chris?" "I'm not sure," she said, as she took a drink. The liquor burned,=20 and she blinked back tears. "Chris?" Jim stepped toward her, gently pushed her hair off her=20 face. "What is it?" She didn't want to show him how much his touch moved her, so she=20 took another drink. "It's been a bad day." At his look, she=20 said, "I'm not crying. It's just the scotch." He smiled, clearly not convinced. "I've seen you drink scotch,=20 Doctor. Remember?" He turned away and walked to the couch, sitting=20 down and gesturing for her to join him.=20=20 She didn't move. He sighed. A long-suffering sound full of some strange=20 tenderness. "Chris, come here." When she didn't move, he said=20 softly, and a bit dangerously, "Now." Their eyes met and she felt as if she was in a battle of wills. She=20 glared at him; he stared blandly back.=20=20 "Now," he repeated.=20=20 Something in his eyes, something gentle and completely implacable=20 called to her. Forced her to surrender. She walked over to him and=20 sat down. He smiled, no triumph in the look. "What's wrong?" Looking away, she tried not to hear her mother's voice. "It's=20 nothing." "It's not nothing, or we wouldn't be playing twenty questions." He=20 threw back his scotch and put the glass down. "Finish that." Again she found herself in a stare-down with him. Again he won.=20=20 She threw the drink back, put it down too hard on the glass table.=20=20 The heavy clink was like a slap.=20=20 She pulled her hand back, turned to him. "There. I'm finished.=20=20 What's your next order, Captain?" He sighed again, seemed to be considering what he was going to do.=20=20 Then he reached for her slowly, pulling her against him. When she=20 tried to pull away, he said, "Shhh. I just want to hold you." His hand on her back was warm and soothing. He carefully undid the=20 clips that held her hair up, letting it fall and running his fingers=20 up under it. She groaned in surrender, relaxing against him and=20 wrapping her arms around him. "What happened?" he said softly. "It was nothing." "What happened?" "My mom," she said. He waited. "It was really nice being home, being with her again..." She=20 trailed off then felt his arms tighten around her. It was so safe=20 in his arms. She relaxed even more, laid her head on his=20 chest. "My father died, at the tail end of our first mission." "I remember." She smiled. "Another time you were kind to me." "It wasn't hard to be kind." She pulled away enough to find a new position, one that allowed her=20 to look at him. "And it was your job." He nodded. "It was." He touched her face softly, playing with her=20 hair again.=20 "I feel guilty." There, she'd said it. "I miss her, and I feel=20 guilty. Because I wasn't around." "Around for what?" Chapel fought back the strange panic she felt. Her mother was=20 fine. It had just been a little accident. "She's an artist. A=20 sculptor. She works on big things...really big things, and she's=20 getting older. The ladder, it's rickety. And I knew that, and I=20 didn't fix it." The words came out in a rush. "And she fell?" She nodded. "She was only on the third rung. Sprained her wrist,=20 nothing too serious. But..." He kissed her cheek softly. "But it scared the hell out of you?" "She's fine. I don't know why I'm acting like this." Chapel said,=20 blinking hard again.=20=20 "Because you're realizing that she won't be around forever. Because=20 you aren't there to make it all okay, and you feel guilty. Because=20 you love her." "And I like her." She smiled up at him, knew it was a plaintive=20 look. "We had a really good time while I was on Earth." "And now you're gone. Now you've"--he touched her on the nose,=20 punctuating his words with a gentle tap--"deserted her." She nodded. "I know the feeling. I feel guilty leaving my mother alone in that=20 rambling old farmhouse she refuses to leave." He sighed, seemed to=20 be far away. "Iowa winters are so cold, the summers are miserably=20 hot. She's alone there, ever since my dad died." His gaze became=20 focused again. "She and I aren't really friends. We were once...I=20 think. But not anymore. Too much time in space, I guess." She nuzzled closer to him. "I'm sorry." "For what?" "For your mom and for being a bitch." "Oh that." He grinned. "I'll forgive you."=20=20 "I was..." She looked down. "You were what?" "When you spend time with Spock. I get a little..." "Crazy?" he asked with a grin. "I was thinking of jealous." She sighed. "Did you have a good=20 time?" He smiled softly and nodded. "He's my friend, Chris." "I know." "He's my friend, and you're my lover--that's the one I love for=20 those not paying attention." He kissed her gently. "Do you still=20 think this is just about the sex?" She looked away. "If you're hurting, I want to know about it. I want to be able to=20 help. And if I've had a bad day, I want to know that I can tell you=20 about it." He turned her face to him, kissed her again, this time=20 more passionately.=20=20 She could feel her body responding to him, to the way he was holding=20 her. She let go and lost herself in his kiss. When he finally=20 pulled away, she said, "I haven't had the best track record, Jim.=20=20 No real experience with a relationship that's normal...that's good." "Well, then it's high time you got some experience." He leaned in,=20 stopped just short of her lips, waited for her. She moved toward him, laid her lips against his, then felt his mouth=20 open. She let his tongue capture hers, groaning as she pulled him=20 closer. He eased her back on the couch, kissing her relentlessly.=20=20 When he finally let her breathe, she said, "I want you." He smiled. "You gave me the impression that you weren't in the=20 mood." She tried to pull his shirt up but he wouldn't move. She gave him a=20 mock frown, saying, "I can't be here with you this way and not be in=20 the mood." "Let's see if you say that in ten years." She must have looked startled because he laughed.=20=20 "You don't think we'll make it that long?" he asked seriously. She stared up at him, smiled slowly. "I'm beginning to believe=20 anything's possible with you." He nodded. "Now, you're getting the idea." He nuzzled her jaw,=20 moved up to her ear. "The next time we're on earth, I'll fix that=20 damn ladder." He bit down slowly, let go.=20=20 Chapel felt a warm feeling settle over her. Wasn't sure what it=20 was, but decided she liked it. "That'd be nice." She tried again=20 to pull his shirt off.=20=20 He pulled her hands away, lifted them over her head, pinning=20 her. "Maybe we shouldn't rush it tonight," he said, as he kissed=20 her. She was drowning in the feel of his lips on hers, his soft and=20 tender kisses, and the way he was holding her down, his hands firm=20 on her arms. She kissed him back, nearly overwhelmed by the=20 sensation of being loved by him. As their kisses intensified, she=20 moaned helplessly and he pulled away.=20=20 "I love you, Chris," he said, as he let go of her arms and pulled=20 her shirt up. He kissed her stomach, moved slowly up. "Do you have=20 any idea how much I want you?" She didn't answer, watched as he eased her pants off, then his own.=20=20 She pulled his shirt off him, sat up enough for him to slide hers=20 off. As his skin touched hers, she murmured, "I love you, Jim."=20=20 "Slow tonight. Slow." His voice was very husky. She nodded, pulling him to her and holding him close as he moved.=20=20 She closed her eyes, lost in the way he made her feel. Lost in him. The warm feeling came over her again and she suddenly identified=20 it. Security. Safety. Home. It was a good feeling. ----------------------------=20 Kirk woke slowly and turned over. Chris lay on her side, facing=20 him, one hand thrown over her face. He studied her as she slept,=20 enjoying the opportunity to stare at her without her becoming self- conscious. She moved in sleep, moaned softly as she edged closer to=20 him. Her hand dropped to the pillow, and her hair spilled over her=20 face. He gently moved it back. She moaned again but did not wake.=20=20 He thought back to the previous night. Wondered how close he had=20 come to having her run out on him again. She was like a mare he'd=20 worked with as a boy. Fractious and difficult to gentle--too used=20 to harder voices and hands. It had been a challenge to get the=20 horse to accept him, to prove that she could trust him. Chris was=20 proving to be as difficult. And that was a constant surprise. From=20 what he had seen of her in the past, he would have expected her to=20 be an easy sell on a relationship, on romance. He would have pegged=20 her as one of those women who were invariably more enamored with=20 being in love than actually in love with their partner. It wasn't a=20 very charitable assessment, but he hadn't known the real Chris=20 Chapel, had only his impressions of the woman who had chased after=20 Spock all those years. Now, he wondered what she would have done if=20 Spock had ever returned her interest. Run like hell, he guessed,=20 picturing her backing away slowly before fleeing from any chance of=20 happiness. If anyone had told him how much work it would be to keep her, Kirk=20 would have laughed outright. But he'd have been wrong. She was=20 difficult, a challenge to hold onto, and the part of him that loved=20 a challenge responded to that. "You're staring at me," she said softly, her voice still crackly=20 from sleep. "I am," he agreed, moving closer to her. She closed the gap between them, snuggling in close and wrapping her=20 arm around him. "Why?" "Why am I staring at you?" She nodded, the movement more felt against his chest than seen. "Because I can." He grinned, waiting for her response. "Not an answer," she mumbled. "Sure it is. You get uncomfortable when I stare at you when you're=20 awake. So I thought I'd take advantage of your being asleep." He=20 felt her move against him, her lower body rubbing his in a=20 provocative way. "Although now I think there are other things I'd=20 like to take advantage of." She pulled away slightly. "You have a one-track mind." "You started it." He grinned as he leaned in to kiss her. It was a=20 long kiss, and he rolled to his back, pulling her with him. As she broke the kiss and sat up, moving into position, he smiled,=20 enjoying the sight of her on top of him. He reached up to touch=20 her, ran his hands down her sides, and held her firmly as she began=20 to move. "Chris," he groaned, making a hiss of the last letter.=20 She leaned down, kissing him deeply while never stopping her=20 motion. "Jim," she whispered, as she straightened again, began to=20 move faster. He watched her as she rode him, felt her clench around him. As she=20 threw her head back with a loud moan, he felt his own self-control=20 break, and he followed her into pleasure, calling her name as he=20 went. She eased off of him, curling against his side and kissing his cheek=20 as he came down from the place she'd sent him. He turned to meet=20 her lips, kissing her deeply. "Good morning," she said, a grin transforming her face into=20 something radiant and devilish all at once. "Good morning," he replied. "Have I ever told you how much I like=20 waking up next to you?" "Once or twice," she said. "But you can tell me again." "I like waking up next to you, Chris."=20=20 "Me too," she said as she glanced over at the chrono. He saw her=20 look change, become more serious. "Time to get up?" he asked. She nodded, giving him a final kiss before rolling out of=20 bed. "Len's called an early meeting." "Then you go first," he said, gesturing toward the bathroom. "We know how sharing doesn't work," she said. "Well it works for some things." She laughed. "If you weren't so easily distracted, we could get=20 ready together." "If you didn't hog the water, we could do it."=20=20 "Me? I barely get to soap up." He waved her away with a laugh, then relaxed into the pillows as he=20 listened to her getting ready. He needed to talk to McCoy. He knew=20 he hadn't been good about reaching out to his old friend, had been=20 too distracted by Chris and Spock. He needed to do better. And he=20 needed to find out what was going on between McCoy and Chris.=20=20 Things hadn't been right between them since McCoy had told her he=20 had come back to the ship hoping that she could offer him something=20 more than friendship. Kirk knew she was trying to downplay the=20 whole thing, but a shadow had crossed her face when she had=20 mentioned McCoy. And it wasn't the first time it had happened.=20=20 Kirk knew that McCoy wasn't their biggest supporter, but was he=20 actively trying to sabotage them? It was hard to believe his friend=20 would do that, but stranger things had happened. The human heart=20 was a tricky thing, especially when it was aching. But still, he=20 had trouble seeing McCoy being too serious about this, had an even=20 harder time imagining his friend nursing a great passion for Chris=20 without Kirk being aware of it. Sure, Kirk had suspected that there=20 was some interest on McCoy's part, but it was a long way from=20 interest to head over heels.=20=20=20 "You look serious," Chris said, as she came out of the bathroom and=20 grabbed some things out of the drawer he'd cleared out for her. "Just drifting," he said, trying to disarm her with his trademark=20 grin. "You," she said, as she pulled on her uniform, "never 'just drift,'=20 Jim." "Come here." "You say that a lot." She walked over, let him pull her down for a=20 long kiss. "You're awfully bossy, you know?" "Drawback of being in charge," he said as he kissed her=20 again. "Besides, you like it." She smiled. "You know me too well." She pulled away. "Okay, I've=20 got to go. One of these days, I'll get breakfast before I run out=20 of here." He grinned and reached into one of the bedside drawers. Handing her=20 a nutrition bar, he said, "Don't say I never feed you." "I'm touched." She ripped the wrapping off and took a bite. "God,=20 these are awful." "But nutritious." "But nutritious," she agreed. "Have a good day." "You too," he said as she headed for the door. He watched her=20 leave, was happy to see her turn just before she got to the door and=20 look back. He knew his grin was as silly as her own as he=20 said, "Can't resist a last look, Doctor?" She shrugged. "What can I say, Jim? You're one good looking man.=20=20 Especially when you're in bed." "Get going before I order you back in here with me." Her salute was barely regulation as she laughed and then hurried out=20 the door.=20=20 ---------------------------- "You ready?" McCoy hardly looked at her as he passed her office. Chapel swallowed the sarcastic retort she wanted to let fly and got=20 up to follow him to the small sickbay conference room. "Of course,=20 Doctor," she said blandly. He glanced back at her, looking a bit surprised at her calm=20 response. After the way she'd been fighting back since he beamed on=20 board, her being so reasonable must seem a welcome return to their=20 old ways. It wasn't the reaction she intended. This wasn't=20 behavior that she wanted to return to. She didn't want to work in=20 that environment again where he ranted and vented and occasionally=20 took out his frustrations on his staff, and Chapel soothed him,=20 calmed him down, and got him to laugh again. She didn't want to go=20 back to that dynamic, but wasn't sure the one they were replacing it=20 with was any better.=20=20 It was high time to find a new way to interact. And she had to find=20 a way to patch up what had been ripped apart by his confession that=20 he wanted more from her and her unwillingness to entertain the=20 idea. She didn't like that the dynamic between them seemed to have=20 become as little interaction as possible, with McCoy ignoring her=20 while she tiptoed around him. She was tired of worrying that=20 whatever she did would be the wrong thing. She sighed as she took the seat next to him, watched as the rest of=20 the alpha team came in and sat down. McCoy seemed to be his old self as he led the meeting. Jovial,=20 friendly, the good old southern gentleman that she knew he loved to=20 play and that maybe was true most of the time. Chapel wondered when she had begun questioning his behavior...or=20 anyone's. When had she started wondering who people really were=20 underneath the masks? She'd used to take her friends more at face=20 value, but then everything had seemed to change when she and Jim had=20 hooked up. She realized that it wasn't Jim they were reacting to.=20=20 It was her. She was the one who had stepped out of character. Of=20 any of them, she had been the most dependable, the most unswerving=20 in her motivations and behaviors. She'd been the lovesick nurse,=20 the caring friend, the woman who stuck to the shadows...a supporting=20 player at best. Her friends hadn't been around to see her change as=20 she finished her degree, hadn't been there to witness her growth,=20 her confidence, her new attitude. Only Jim had seen it...seen it=20 and liked it. Jim and Sulu...now that they were on board. In the minds of her friends, she supposed that she was the one who=20 seemed to have changed overnight. It hadn't been overnight, she'd=20 fought hard to find herself again after nearly losing her way the=20 first time on the Enterprise. She'd had to work to become a doctor,=20 and with that work came the confidence she needed to become a=20 stronger Christine Chapel. But they didn't know that. They didn't=20 know that all she'd done was grow the hell up. To them she'd simply=20 changed. Stepped out of the shadows and fell in love with the=20 leading man. Unpardonable? She hoped not. But she wasn't sure she=20 cared anymore. She did love him, and he loved her. Either their=20 friends learned to deal with it...or she'd find new friends. She forced her attention back to the meeting. Working out her=20 personal problems wouldn't help with a question she couldn't answer=20 because she'd hadn't been paying attention. But as the meeting went=20 on, she realized that she needn't have worried. The discussion was=20 routine, no medical crises on the horizon. As the meeting broke up,=20 she followed the others out, went back to her office and started on=20 some reports. "Got a minute?" McCoy's expression was neutral as he stood in the=20 doorway. "Sure." He moved inside and released the door switch, allowing the door to=20 close behind him. She expected him to call for the privacy screens,=20 but he didn't. In fact, he didn't do anything except sit down and=20 stare at the floor. Finally, he looked up, met her gaze. His=20 expression was a mixture of regret and irritation.=20=20 "Len?" "I'm sorry. For what I said. That I wanted more from you..." He=20 sighed. "You know I'm not big on apologies, but I overstepped a=20 boundary, and I'm sorry." She nodded, surprised that he was willing to talk about it.=20 "I think it would be best if we just pretend that the conversation=20 never happened." He rose, turned for the door. "But it did happen." Chapel's words stopped him cold.=20=20 "Wouldn't it be easier to just pretend?" He tried a grin, a small=20 trace of his old charm. "Maybe it would. But I don't think that's the kind of decision you=20 get to make alone." "I'm just trying to make things better." He sat down, reached over=20 and flipped on his terminal, as if the conversation was at an end. "That's it? You have spoken?" She wished she could get the sarcasm=20 out of her voice, but she was frustrated and angry. She never used=20 to let herself get angry, and it had only made her crazy. Holding=20 back usually helped no one.=20 He looked over at her. "What the hell do you want me to say,=20 Christine?" "How about saying something honest? How about telling me why you=20 thought we'd make a good couple when you never even gave me the time=20 of day as a friend? When the Enterprise got back, you never=20 called. Not once, Len. You didn't even come to my graduation=20 ceremony." She closed her eyes. She hadn't meant to say that.=20=20 Hadn't meant to dredge up a hurt that old. "I meant to come..." He looked away.=20=20 "Just like you meant to call?" She shook her head. "We've never=20 been friends, Len. Not the way you and Jim and Spock are friends." He shot her a half-hearted grin. "I didn't call them either." "Not at all?" This wasn't anything she and Jim had covered. They'd=20 both been so busy finding common ground around Spock that it had=20 never occurred to her that McCoy had neglected him as well. McCoy rubbed at his eyes, he sighed, long and hard, as if he was=20 letting out a lot more than just breath. "I let myself get a little=20 lost. I lost touch with everything. Part of it was a woman-- several, actually." He shook his head. "Part of it was that I was=20 hurt. You all left me, you know. Every damn one of you." "Left you?" "You went off to medical school, then Spock ran away to Gol, and Jim=20 took that desk job." He held up a hand, stopped the comment she'd=20 been about to make. "I don't begrudge you your success, Christine.=20=20 Or Jim his chance for moving up, even if I did think it was the=20 worst move he could make. But put yourself in my shoes. Try to=20 figure out if you matter when everyone you love is moving away from=20 you." "I'm sorry. I never--" "--Of course you never. I never let you see that." He laughed; it=20 was a terribly bitter sound. "You were right. I do use humor to=20 hide things. I strike out and make fun so that no one will ever see=20 me hurting." He shook his head. "And I plan things sometimes way=20 down deep in my heart or mind or wherever. I plan things and forget=20 to tell the people involved what I want or need or intend." His=20 smile turned more wry than bitter. "I guess if I wanted you to know=20 I had feelings for you, I should have called once in while."=20 "That is the preferred way." She took his hand. "You do that--that=20 secret unilateral planning--for the same reason you make everything=20 a joke, don't you? So that you won't get hurt?" "You're no slouch in the psych department." He laid his other hand=20 over hers, patting it as if he wasn't sure what to do but needed to=20 touch her, to connect. "I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. About=20 Jim, and Spock, and about this thing I dreamed up for us." He=20 pulled his hands away gently. "It just...hurt. And it was a=20 shock. I expected you to be free. And that's not very nice, nor=20 was it very smart on my part." He smiled at her, a real=20 smile. "Trust Jim to recognize a good woman when he sees her." She smiled softly. None of this could be easy for him to say. "I'm=20 sorry too. You took me by surprise with the things you said, about=20 us, and about Jim and Spock." She leaned back. "I know that they=20 have a history, Len. I do. I'm a little afraid of what it will=20 mean having Spock back on the ship. But I love Jim, and I trust him=20 not to hurt me." She stared at him, wanted him to understand.=20=20 Wanted him to say she was right. "I hope you're right, darlin'. I do. And I lied. I'll be here=20 with a stiff drink and a sympathetic ear if it does happen." She smiled, but it wasn't exactly what she'd wanted to hear.=20=20 "But if you're happy and things work out, I'm still here." "You're sure?" she asked. He took a deep breath, seemed to hesitate before he finally spoke.=20=20 The words coming out in a rush at first. "I feel like I've still=20 lost the three of you. Spock is back but not very interested in=20 spending time with me when he could be chasing after your beau. You=20 and Jim seem to be permanently ensconced in your quarters. I guess=20 I'm a little..." He didn't finish. Even this new honesty had=20 limits apparently. But she imagined what words might be applicable. None of them were=20 very nice. "I'm sorry." "Quit saying that. Just come up for air once in a while." Chapel nodded. She'd hated it when a friend lost herself in a new=20 lover. Hated it and swore she wouldn't be like that. And yet, here=20 she was. Uhura had said the same thing. They never saw her. She needed to work on that. Both she and Jim need to work on that.=20=20 "Are we all right now?" McCoy gave her his old smile. The one=20 she'd always thought was like a fond uncle. It was hard to think of=20 it that way now. But it was still a welcome improvement over the=20 deadly silence. "We will be." She walked over and touched his shoulder,=20 lightly. "You do matter to me." She decided not to add the part=20 about it just not being the in the way he wanted. He nodded. "We're halfway there. I wouldn't open up like that to=20 someone I planned to be at odds with for the foreseeable future." She nodded, gave his shoulder a fond squeeze and headed back to her=20 own office. As she walked, she felt something settle down inside=20 her, felt herself fully relax in sickbay for the first time since=20 McCoy had arrived. End part 1 of 2 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. Most recent messages can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML. NewMessage: