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Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2004 23:25:31 -0600
Subject: [ASCEM-S] New TOS "Tempting Fate on Squeaky Springs" 4/9 (Mc/Sa, K/S) [NC-17]
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Chapter 4/9 - See all warnings and disclaimers in chapter 1

The fire's red-gold flames were hypnotic, and combined with 
the soft crackling of the logs as they slowly burned, and the 
almost inaudible sound of the breaths taken by the man lying 
beside him, Leonard was lost in a haze of warm contentment.  
After a while, Leonard realized that he hadn't felt Sarek move 
for some time.  He glanced over to see if his guest was asleep, 
but Sarek was propped against the pillows watching him.  
"Need somethin'?" Leonard asked, feeling slightly unnerved by 
being studied so closely.
 
"No, everything is quite satisfactory.  I do not believe I have 
ever seen you like this.  You seem less...agitated than I 
remember seeing you in the past, despite the events of the 
evening."
 
"Do I?" Leonard flashed the man beside him a half-smile.  
"Maybe it's being here.  Maybe it's just the fact that we're alive.  
It could've very easily worked out the other way."
 
"Yes, that is true."
 
Now it was Leonard's turn to stare at Sarek.  He'd always 
thought the man was damned handsome, but with the firelight 
illuminating the silver streaks in the wavy hair, and 
highlighting the strong features of the face, he was 
breathtakingly beautiful.  Leonard wondered how Amanda 
could let this gorgeous man out of her sight; much less allow 
him to stay for long periods on Earth without her.  "Sarek, why 
are you here?" Leonard asked.
 
Sarek's eyebrows rose, slightly.  "I am here because you invited 
me."
 
"I don't mean that.  I mean why are you *here*, on Earth?"
 
"I have recently found it more...productive...to conduct my 
business from the San Francisco Embassy."
 
"Mind if I ask why?  I know with the places you've been called 
to in the last few months, Vulcan would've probably been more 
centrally located for you," Leonard ventured.
 
"Perhaps, but my reasons are not strictly professional.  They are 
more of a...personal nature."
 
Leonard knew full well he was crossing into that unexplored 
frontier that often caused Sarek to suddenly withdraw.  "I can 
respect that, and I won't press you.  But keep in mind I'm your 
friend, and I'm willing to listen...that is...if you decide you 
wanna talk about it."
 
Sarek took another sip of tea, then set the cup on the floor 
beside him.  Leonard assumed the subject was closed, and was 
surprised when Sarek finally said, "Since you, too, have 
experienced a failed marriage, perhaps you will understand.  
My marriage is...troubled."
 
Leonard nodded.  "Honestly, I'd suspected as much when 
Amanda didn't join you at the embassy."
 
"Your suspicions were correct.  My relationship with Amanda 
has been undergoing changes in recent years.  Undoubtedly, it 
is the result of our many lengthy separations.  I fault myself for 
this.  I have frequently placed the demands of my position 
above the desires of my bondmate."
 
"Well, considerin' your job, some of that's to be expected, 
right?"
 
"Yes, and that, it seems, is the problem.  Several years ago, my 
wife voiced her desire for me to relinquish my duties with the 
Federation and take a position as an instructor at the Vulcan 
Science Academy.  I could not comply.  Teaching is not where 
either my talents or my interests lie.  Ten months ago, Amanda 
issued an ultimatum.  I would either forfeit my duties as an 
ambassador and return to Vulcan permanently, or I would stay 
away from our family home.  I chose the latter."
 
"Sarek, I'm really sorry to hear that.  I had no idea things were 
that bad."
 
"Kaiidth.  We have each made our choice, a choice that has 
been long coming.  I find that in doing so, there is a sense of 
peace that did not exist before."
 
Leonard blew a slow breath from between his pursed lips.  
"That's usually the case, I think.  But it sounds like she just 
wants you around more.  You can't fault her for that."
 
"I believe that was the reason in the beginning.  Her first 
request was made after the heart surgery I underwent under 
your care.  Considering her emotional nature, I attempted to 
make allowances for this, explaining to her repeatedly that the 
repair was complete and there was no cause for concern.  
However, increasingly, her demands became more of a testing 
of wills.  I cannot do as she asks, and she can no longer accept 
that which I am."
 
"You've both drawn a line in the sand and are unwilling to 
cross it."
 
Sarek nodded, thoughtfully.  "A colorful metaphor, but one that 
is quite accurate."
 
Well, there was no doubt in Leonard's mind where Spock 
inherited his stubborn streak.  Evidently it came from both 
sides, but Leonard knew he was the last person to pass 
judgment.  "I know what that's like.  I've drawn a few lines 
myself over the years," Leonard replied, empathetically.
 
"If I may ask, was that the reason for the dissolution of your 
marriage?"
 
"Actually, Sarek, I've had two marriages that failed.  The first 
one was with Joan.  That was the one that produced my 
daughter, Joanna.  The reason that marriage broke up was more 
a case of having nothing in common.  I don't know that we ever 
really loved each other, certainly not enough to make that kind 
of commitment.  We got married out of a fear of being alone, 
and soon found out that we were lonelier being married to the 
wrong person.  There was a lot I couldn't accept about myself 
back then.  Once I realized that some things are undeniable, it 
was a lot easier to just let go."  His voice faded out.
 
"You stated you had two marriages that failed," Sarek prodded.
 
Leonard nodded.  "Yeah, there was also my marriage to Natira, 
one of the Fabrini, and possibly the quickest break-up in 
history.  I had contracted a fatal illness, and fear of spending 
my last days alone drove me to marry her.  But it was not being 
able to comply with her demands that I dedicate myself to their 
religion of the Oracle that finished us off.  So, in that case, it 
was certainly a line in the sand that did us in."
 
"Did you feel love for her?"
 
It surprised Leonard that Sarek was willing to discuss such 
emotions, but he was enjoying this new openness to their 
friendship.  "I think so...at first.  Certainly I felt admiration for 
her, and even a level of lust that I hadn't believed was still 
possible with a...well, with someone.  After the first mission 
ended, and I couldn't find what I needed on Earth, I went to her 
on New Fabrina.  I was hoping that things might work out, but 
soon discovered that wasn't possible."
 
"I see," Sarek answered, stiffly.  After a moment of charged 
silence, Sarek asked, "Leonard, what are you doing here?"
 
"Me?  It's my cabin, at least what's left of it," he said, looking 
around, trying his best to lighten the suddenly heavy 
atmosphere that seemed to be forming between them.  But it 
seemed that Sarek would have no part of it.
 
"That is not what I mean.  You stated that this is the first 
Christmas you have been here in many years.  Yet, instead of 
inviting those who have become such a part of you, you chose 
me to spend this time with.  I am understandably curious as to 
why."
 
Taking another sip of tea, Leonard found himself gripping the 
mug much too hard.  He wasn't sure he had the answer to 
Sarek's question, certainly not a simple one.  "I guess there just 
comes a time when you get tired of bein' the third wheel, if ya 
know what I mean."
 
"No, I do not.  Please, explain."
 
"Let's just say I didn't want to interfere with the time Jim and 
Spock have to be alone."  His answer was a little on the flippant 
side, and Leonard knew it.  They were suddenly entering into 
topics that Leonard would much rather shy away from.  Open 
discussion was one thing, but there were some very old wounds 
that he'd rather not pick at.
 
"James and Spock are bondmates.  They reside together.  I must 
assume that being afforded time alone is not an issue.  There 
must be another reason.  Perhaps it is the same reason that has 
prompted your efforts to sever your relationship with them," 
Sarek persisted.
 
Leonard bristled.  "Sever...?  No!  Never!  Jim and Spock are 
closer to me than my own family.  I'm not severing a damned 
thing!  Been there done that, thank you!  You don't know what 
it was like when the first mission ended.  Having to face losing 
them was...hell, it was *worse* than having a marriage break 
up!  It was like I'd lost the two best parts of myself.  No, sir!  If 
you think that, then you are *very* wrong."
 
"Then logic dictates that you should prefer to be with them at 
this time, as you have been in Christmases past."
 
Leonard felt his hackles rise, just as they always did when 
Spock brought the concept of logic into one of their famed 
discussions.  "Logic?  Sarek, I dunno know if you've noticed, 
but I'm human, one hundred percent, through and through!  I 
don't think logic has a damned thing to do with it," he 
countered.
 
"The fact that you are human is not a point that has gone 
unnoticed.  It does not, however, explain your reason for your 
inviting me to come here instead of them."
 
Leonard tried to swallow his rising anger, and failed.  "You 
really wanna know why I'm not with them this year?  It's 
because as much as they both mean to me, Jim and Spock have 
become blatant reminders of what's missing in my own life.  
You have to understand what it was like before they bonded.  It 
was always the three of us, all of us in the same boat, so to 
speak.  After that mess with V'ger, they finally realized what 
everyone else already knew, and everything changed, just like I 
knew it would.  Oh, it wasn't so bad when we were still on the 
ship, but lately I look at them together, see the touches and 
looks that pass between them...the same thing I'm 
missing...and.well, it makes me so jealous that I can't stand 
it!"  Leonard rolled his head back and looked up at the ceiling.  
"God!  I can't believe I admitted that!"
 
To Leonard's dismay, Sarek pressed him even further.  The 
man was relentless.  "It is my experience that jealousy usually 
stems from deeper emotions, usually resentment or anger.  Is 
there some reason you feel anger toward them?"
 
"Anger?  Toward them?  No!  Of course not!  At least, not 
anymore.  Oh sure, when Jim ran to the safety of the admiralty, 
and Spock took off to all but bury himself on Vulcan, I was 
damned pissed at both of them.  I took a long time to realize 
that the person I was really mad at was me."
 
"For what reason?"
 
Leonard was sorry he'd ever started this.  It seemed that Sarek 
was determined to dissect every word he uttered, and it was 
doing nothing but dredging up the past--not to mention the load 
of guilt he'd managed to carry around since that time.  He didn't 
like thinking about it.  It was over and done with, more than ten 
years in the past, and to dwell on it now didn't do anyone any 
good.  Just remembering those last, miserable weeks at the end 
of the first mission still had the ability to awaken powerful 
emotions in him, emotions that were best left alone.
 
However, it felt like the genie was out of the bottle.  He'd 
already said too much, and if there was any chance that Sarek 
would understand, Leonard knew he would have to answer, and 
as truthfully as possible.  Even so, he couldn't quite believe that 
he was considering confessing to Sarek those things that he 
thought he would never tell anyone.  "It was my fault...all of it.  
I could've stopped what happened," he breathed.  "I could've 
prevented Jim from accepting promotion and Spock from going 
to Vulcan.  They were both hurting, and both too proud to do 
anything about it.  I knew what was goin' on.  Hell, I don't think 
there was a person on the ship who didn't know, but I was 
supposed to be their friend, dammit!  Then the orders came.  
We were ordered to report back to Earth."
 
"What could you have done differently?"
 
"I could've told Jim he was acting like a fool, for one thing!  In 
those days, Jim was hell-bent on fuckin' every female that 
crossed his path, trying everything possible to refute the fact 
that it was Spock he loved.  Not that Jim hadn't had his share of 
conquests before, but once it looked like the crew could be split 
up, he went on some kinda sexual rampage.  Almost parading 
the women in front of Spock, like he was darin' him to say 
something.  Hell, that's exactly what he was doin'!
 
"It actually had the opposite effect on Spock.  He pulled into 
such a shell that he actually left us, emotionally, weeks before 
the first mission ended.  I'd spent almost five years trying to 
tear down that barrier of his!  Damn near succeeded, too.  But if 
I'd really been a friend, I would've gone to him and explained 
what Jim was doin'.  I would've made them sit down and admit 
what they really meant to each other.  Oh sure, I never missed a 
opportunity to take them on over any subject ranging from the 
Prime Directive to replicated food, but I couldn't talk to them, 
not about that.  I was too scared of how it would effect *me*!  
Too scared of screwing up what we had together to say those 
things that really needed sayin'.  So, what did I do?  I just sat 
back, kept my mouth shut, and let everything fall apart.  I 
allowed my fear of bein' left behind nearly destroy the two 
people I claimed to care the most about."
 
"Leonard, Vulcan wisdom teaches that which is meant to 
happen will do so in its own time.  In this case, it seems to be 
so.  The three of you did find your way back to one another.  
James and Spock did discover that which existed between 
them."
 
"Excuse me, Sarek, but Vulcan wisdom be damned!  It sure as 
hell wasn't Vulcan wisdom that brought Spock back, anymore 
than it was anything I did.  The credit goes to whoever 
programmed that damned machine to have a consciousness.  If 
it hadn't been for V'ger...well, it still scares the hell outta me to 
think that we would've never seen Spock again."
 
"I think you underestimate my son, Leonard.  Spock had 
achieved that which few on my planet have been able to.  Not 
only had he mastered the disciplines, he had done so in less 
time than any who had gone before him.  His dedication was as 
complete as any of the Master's of the Kolinahr has ever been.  
It is questionable that the machine you speak of had the 
influence necessary to cause him to renounce his devotion to 
the Order of the Kolinahru."
 
Leonard turned and looked at Sarek.  He had often wondered.  
"Jesus!  I had no idea!  Ya know, now that you mention it, I've 
often wondered if it was really that entity callin' out to Spock 
that brought him back.  Personally, I've always believed it was 
Jim needin' him that made him return."
 
"Perhaps it was more than James alone.  There is great strength 
when the voices of one's t'hylara are combined in unison."
 
"T'hylara?  As in t'hy'la?"
 
"Yes.  James, and you."
 
Leonard had heard Spock call Jim his t'hy'la many times in 
private.  He had assumed it meant lover.  Could Sarek believe 
that he and Spock had shared that kind of relationship?  That 
the three of them...?  Surely not!  If so, he had to straighten him 
out right here and now.  "Sarek, I don't think you're gettin' the 
whole picture here.  I've never been Spock's lover.  Yeah, I love 
'em both, but I've ever had romantic inclinations toward either 
of them."
 
"You misunderstand the meaning, Leonard.  T'hy'la can mean 
lover, but it can also mean a friend, more like a sibling, one not 
born from the same family, but willingly chosen as a 
companion.  I know little of Spock's feelings; we have never 
discussed his emotions.  However, it is my belief that this tie 
does bind you and my son together.  Only one who is t'hy'la 
would still carry such remorse regarding actions taken so many 
years before, correct?"
 
Leonard sighed.  Although the relationship he and Spock 
shared could more often than not be considered an adversarial 
one, he knew he'd do anything for that damned Vulcan, and he 
suspected the feeling was mutual.  "Maybe.  I guess I care for 
him a lot more than I've ever admitted.  I remember when I 
returned to the Enterprise and Spock wasn't there, I missed 
him...terribly.  His absence was like a void on the ship.  I think 
I needed him as much as Jim did.  It was like a vital part of us 
was missing.  Funny, I kept searching for him with every turn 
of a corner, almost like I expected him to be there."  Leonard 
turned the mug in his hands.
 
"Leonard, it seems that in your own way, you are still 
searching."
 
Leonard emitted an almost bitter chuckle.  It seemed that Sarek 
had hit the nail on the head.  "You're right about that!" he 
muttered, as he raised his head and drained the last of the tea 
from the cup.  He grimaced.  This wasn't his favorite beverage 
to begin with, even worse when it was cold.
 
"What is it you are searching for?" Sarek asked.
 
Resting the back of his head on the edge of the sofa frame, 
Leonard stared into the licking flames of the fire.  "I don't think 
I even know anymore," he sighed.  "I guess I'm lookin' for that 
person who I can feel comfortable with, talk to, care for, and 
who cares for me in return.  Someone who can arouse me with 
nothing more than a touch, or a look, and who wants me as 
much as I want them.  Someone who makes me feel warm and 
safe, someone I can make feel the same way.  Someone like..." 
Leonard stopped and looked over at Sarek, unable to believe 
how he almost ended that sentence.
 
"Like who, Leonard?" Sarek asked, rolling on his side and 
lifting himself up on one elbow, the cover falling to midway of 
his body.
 
Under the flesh-colored, one-piece undergarment that Sarek 
was wearing, Leonard couldn't help but notice the outline of the 
tightly drawn nubs that accentuated the muscular chest.  He 
swallowed...hard.  "I think I've said enough.  Besides, aren't 
you tired?"
 
Sarek reached out, lifted the mug from Leonard's hand, and laid 
it aside; their fingers touching just long enough for a shiver of 
desire to race through the doctor's body.  "I do not believe that I 
have ever felt quite as awake as I am at this time.  Almost 
energetic, although I do not understand why."
 
"I'm afraid I do.  I gave you a mild neural-stimulant a while 
ago," Leonard answered, guiltily.
 
Sarek nodded.  "Indeed, that does at least partially explain it.  
In any case, I do not feel the need for rest.  I am awaiting an 
answer."
 
"Sarek, if I say anymore, I might ruin what we've found 
together in these last months, and that's one thing I'd never 
wanna do."
 
"Is this not the same dilemma that you once had with James 
and Spock?  Are your fears once again preventing you from 
expressing that which should be spoken?  I was under the 
impression that the relationship we are forging is based on 
honesty--with each other, and with ourselves."
 
Honesty.  It wasn't all it was cracked-up to be.  Leonard knew 
from experience that there were times when all honesty got you 
was a royal kick in the ass!  "In all honesty, I'm not sure you're 
ready to hear the truth," Leonard stated, his voice beginning to 
tremor.
 
"I believe you should allow me be the judge of that.  And from 
you, I would expect nothing less."
 
Leonard felt like a man standing on the edge of a precipice; 
below him was nothing but darkness.  If he answered truthfully, 
it would be a leap of blind faith.  Would Sarek catch him, or let 
him fall?  Taking a deep breath of courage, Leonard stated, 
"I've been searching my whole life to find someone who makes 
me feel the way I do when I'm with you," he whispered.  He 
had taken the step, and he was freefalling, waiting for Sarek's 
reaction.
 
Sarek shifted, coming to a seated position, his eyes staring 
straight ahead at the fire.  "May I ask you one other question?"
 
"Sure, anything," Leonard breathed around the knot of 
trepidation that was building in his chest.
 
"Am I to understand that you wish to pursue a relationship with 
me, even though I am a male?"
 
Leonard felt his skin ripple, as if the atmosphere in the room 
had become charged.  "Yes."
 
Sarek turned and looked at him.  "Earlier, you stated that the 
events of the evening were not what you had intended when 
you invited me here.  What were your intentions?"
 
Leonard sat up and looked into those dark, penetrating eyes.  
They were giving no hint as to what the man underneath was 
feeling.  "I didn't bring you up here to seduce you, if that's what 
you're askin'.  This place is special to me.  I only wanted to 
share it with someone I care a great deal for.  Sarek, no matter 
how I feel, I'd never ask you for something that you weren't 
ready for, or couldn't enjoy.  When I invited you to come with 
me, I certainly had no intention of revealing my feelings to you.  
I don't want this to destroy the friendship we've found together.  
I think I could stand anything but that."
 
"It has been my impression that you are a devout heterosexual, 
Doctor."
 
So, that was it.  In one fatal step, he'd managed to alienate the 
man he loved.  Feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut, he 
knew there was no more reason to hide anything.  Sarek wanted 
the truth, and if it was going to end, it was going to end with 
nothing less than the whole truth.  "Sarek, you might as well 
know, I discovered a long time ago that I prefer males.  That's 
what destroyed my first marriage, and it's the one thing that 
took me by surprise when I met Natira.  She's one of the few 
females in many years that I felt...sexually attracted to.  But 
you wanna know what really did us in?  Honesty!  Let me tell 
you, it's a concept that's way overrated!  I told her that I'd had 
male lovers, that until I met her that was my preference, only to 
find out that she was repulsed by that fact.  Turns out that the 
Fabrini religion teaches that homosexual relationships are an 
abomination against nature.  She actually offered me the chance 
to resume my position as her husband, but I would've had to 
under go some kind of spiritual cleansing of my soul and 
denounce those feelings."
 
"What was your response to her offer?"
 
"What the hell do you think?  I told her to go fuck herself!  
Well...not in those *exact* words because, by then, I was 
translating the medical records that Spock had discovered in 
their computer banks.  There was too much at stake to get 
myself thrown off the planet, but I made it clear that I wasn't 
interested.  After that, and only because of the treaty that was 
being negotiated between the Fabrini and the Federation, was I 
allowed to continue my work.  The rest of the time I was on the 
planet I was secluded from the general population.  For the 
most part, Natira was the only person I was allowed contact 
with, and she treated me with nothing less than complete and 
utter disdain."  When he stopped talking, he realized he was 
breathing hard.  He'd just gutted himself in front of Sarek; it 
was only a matter of waiting to see what his reaction would be.
 
 

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