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From: "Keith & Jessica Bratcher" <campbratcher@psci.net>
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Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 17:34:25 -0500
Subject: [ASCEM-S] NEW ENT: "T'Pol's Ass" 1/1 (A/T, T/m) [NC-17]
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Title: T'Pol's Ass
Author: longbeachtrekstar ( @ yahoo . com )
Series: ENT
Codes: A/T, T/m, parody
Rating: NC-17
Parts: 1/1
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. This is not for profit, just 
for fun.
Archiving: ASCEM, others please ask.
Feedback: Yes please, here or by email.
Notes: Based on ideas by Alara, Elizabeth, and Birgit. The TOS 
episode "Spock's Brain" retold as ENT.
Summary: "Ass and ass! What is ass?"

T'Pol's Ass
by longbeachtrekstar, May 2004


[Bridge, Enterprise NX-01]

Captain Archer struggles up from the floor of the Bridge and slumps 
into his command chair. He looks around at the rest of the Bridge 
crew, likewise regaining their seats. "Everyone okay?" There is a 
murmur of agreement around the room. "What happened," asks Archer as 
he turns toward the science station, but T'Pol's chair is 
empty. "Where's T'Pol?"

Phlox [over intercom]: "Phlox to Bridge. Captain Archer, please 
report to Sickbay immediately."

*****

[Sickbay]

Archer [entering]: "What's the matter."

Phlox: "Whatever knocked out everyone else on board rendered me 
unconscious as well. When I awoke, I found T'Pol here in Sickbay."

Archer: "Is she all right."

Phlox: "Her life is not in jeopardy, but... well... see for 
yourself." He starts to pull the curtain back from around the beds, 
then pauses. "She is rather sensitive about her condition, Captain. 
Please be discreet."

Archer: "Of course."

The Doctor pulls the curtain aside, revealing T'Pol.

Archer: "MY GOD, T'POL! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ASS?"

Phlox: "Way to be discreet."

On one of the beds, T'Pol lays naked on her stomach. Where her 
smooth, firm, round, beautifully bulbous, smokin'-hot ass ... 
(*ahem* 'scuse me) ... Where T'Pol's ass should be is instead a flat, 
crude-looking, metal plate covering where her significant body part 
is obviously missing.

Archer: "What happened?"

Phlox: "While we were all unconscious, someone possessing medical 
abilities vastly superior to ours surgically removed T'Pol's ass, 
covering the wound with this." He raps a knuckle against the metal, 
eliciting a hollow, metallic sound.

T'Pol: "Hey!"

Phlox: "Sorry."

Archer: "That's incredible! How does she... uh...?"

Phlox [unscrewing a plug from the middle of the plate]: "Right here."

Archer: "Ouch! No butt-fun for you, Missy." T'Pol glowers at 
him. "Sorry... Doc, what can we do?"

Phlox: "Well, as I said, her life is not in danger. We could leave 
the metal plate, or I could fashion a prosthetic ass."

Archer [excitedly]: "Could you make it even rounder?"

T'Pol: "No! I want my *own* ass!"

Phlox: "Well, if we're to replace her original ass, we must do so 
within twenty-four hours."

Archer: "Why?"

Phlox: "Because it adds dramatic tension to the story."

*****

[Bridge]

Reed: "Captain, we've followed that unusual warp signature to a 
planet dead ahead."

Archer: "Warp signature? I thought we were following an ion trail."

Mayweather: "I thought it was a sub-space fluctuation."

Reed: "It doesn't matter! Whatever we were following, it's led us 
here. T'Pol's ass is on that planet."

Archer [sighing]: "Lucky planet. I wish T'Pol's ass was on me 
instead."

Reed: "Excuse me?"

Archer: "I'm sorry. Was that out load?"

*****

[Sickbay]

Archer: "We've tracked your ass to a planet, T'Pol. It won't be long 
now."

T'Pol is dressed now, but she had to cut the ass out of her catsuit 
to fit around the large metal plate, thus leaving it exposed. "You've 
got to find my ass, Captain. I'm used to men (and women *wink*wink*) 
ogling my tits as I walk toward them *and* my ass as I walk away. Now 
they only stare at my tits, then turn away. How am I supposed to make 
people like me now? With my personality?"

Archer [laughing]: "Your personality?" Again, T'Pol glowers. "Sorry."

T'Pol: "What's even worse is everyone is starting to make fun of me."

Archer: "What? Why? Just because you've got... um... a metal plate... 
uh... for an ass?"

T'Pol: "Just this morning I was talking to Commander Tucker, and he 
casually crushed a cigarette out -- on my ass-plate!"

Archer: "That's horrible! That's inexcusable! Doesn't he know how bad 
those things are for him?"

Phlox [entering]: "Captain, I've developed this remote control so 
that we can bring T'Pol with us, so I can reattach her ass as soon as 
we find it."

T'Pol: "Doctor, I am conscious. I can walk."

Archer [to Phlox]: "Really? Cool! How's it work?"

Phlox: "Just push this button, like so." T'Pol involuntarily raises 
her right arm over her head.

T'Pol: "Stop that!"

Phlox pushes another button, and T'Pol raises her other arm.

T'Pol: "I said, stop it!"

Archer: "Neato! Let me try."

Phlox: "Push that button there. It makes her tits dance."

Archer pushes the button, and T'Pol's breasts begin rotating in 
opposite directions, in very stripper-esque fashion.

T'Pol: "You're both just a couple of chauvinist pigs!"

Archer: "Does this thing have a mute?"

*****

[Planet surface]

Archer, T'Pol, and Phlox move cautiously across the surface. 
Suddenly, a hot chick in go-go boots and a miniskirt approaches them.

Archer: "You there. What have you done with T'Pol's ass?"

Girl: "I've done nothing. You must seek the men. The givers of pain 
and delight."

Archer: "Pain and delight?"

Girl: "And frustration... mostly frustration. They are the askers-not-
for-directions. The leavers-up-of-toilet-seats. And despite the fact 
that it's the twenty-second century, they act like it's the 1960's, 
making us wear these ridiculous outfits and insisting that we have a 
drink ready for them when they get home from the office."

Archer: "So, where are they now?"

Girl: "Well, when they started insisting on having 'butt-privileges,' 
we had to draw the line. So they left."

Archer: "You mean you don't do it in the butt?"

Girl: "Of course not."

Archer: "Right, we're outta here!"

Girl: "And another thing. From now on, I insist that my lines be 
labeled as 'Woman,' not 'Girl'!"

*****

[Moving the plot along... they find an elevator... blah blah blah... 
they wander the subterranean halls of a strange civilization... yadda 
yadda yadda... They confront a man guarding the door to a room.]

Archer: "Where is T'Pol's ass?"

Man: "Ass and ass! What is ass?"

Archer: "Hey, I'm not here to get philosophical."

Girl: "Oh, *he* gets 'Man,' but *I'm* just 'Girl'."

Archer [to girl]: "Get out of here! Your scene is over."

Phlox [to man]: "The women said the men took T'Pol's ass."

Man: "Women? Oh, yes. The ones-with-many-shoes. The askers-if-they-
are-fat."

They push past the guard. Entering the room, they see T'Pol's ass 
mounted on the wall, about a meter off the floor. Another man, with 
his pants around his ankles, is vigorously fucking it.

T'Pol: "Hey! Stop fucking my ass!"

The startled man withdraws and turns toward the intruders as he 
ejaculates.

Everyone [jumping out of the way]: "Eww... eww... eww!"

The man retreats as T'Pol approaches her own ass.

T'Pol [wiping a few splatters from her cheeks with the back of her 
hand]: "Disgusting."

Archer [confronting the guard]: "You don't look smart enough to 
perform surgery. How did you remove T'Pol's ass?"

Man [removing a metallic, condom-shaped device from a cabinet]: "I 
used 'The Teacher'."

Archer [inspecting it]: "Ooo, ribbed for her pleasure."

Phlox: "Lemme at it. Remember, *I'm* the Doctor."

Man: "But you can only use it for one hour, or you'll never want to 
stop."

His pants around his ankles, The Teacher dangling between his legs, 
where it encompasses his Denobulanhood, Phlox goes to work 
reattaching T'Pol's ass.

Phlox [chuckling in his smug, patronizing tone]: "Ah! My Denobulan 
genius has succeeded in reattaching this incredible ass to this 
rather vacuous and uninteresting Vulcan."

Archer [removing his pants]: "Sweet! I'd better check it out, just to 
be sure." He begins fucking T'Pol in the ass.

T'Pol [waking up]: "Captain, there is a definite pleasurable 
experience connected with the feeling of your cock."

Man: "You must not take The Ass away. The Ass is young and powerful. 
Perfect!"

T'Pol: "How very flattering."

Man: "Without it, we will be frustrated for all eternity."

Archer: "Of course not. You just need to learn how to get along with 
your women. Give them a little of what they want, and they'll give 
you a little of what you want."

Man: "Or we could just take advantage of them when they're under 
anesthesia."

Archer: "Er..."

Everyone: "Ha, ha, ha, ..."

(End)



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