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From: "Keith & Jessica Bratcher" <campbratcher@psci.net>
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Date: Mon, 5 Jul 2004 23:14:41 -0500
Subject: [ASCEM-S] NEW: Left Unsaid (ST:ENT, A/R, 1/1)
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Title: Left Unsaid
Author: MJ
Pairing: Archer/Reed
Series: ST:Enterprise
Rating: PG
Archive: Your list -- your archive, EntST, others ask
Summary: The days after.


Sweet is true love tho' given in vain, in vain;
And sweet is death who puts an end to pain.
-- from Idylls of the King: Lancelot and Elaine, Tennyson



The buzzer sounded at the door of Captain Jonathan Archer's quarters.  It 
didn't matter; there was only one person it could be.  "Come in, Trip."

Trip Tucker entered, carrying a few PADDs, a forlorn expression plastered on 
his face.  "Hi, Cap'n." He bent over to scratch Porthos, the only one of the 
three in the room not looking as if the world had come to an end.  "I was just 
goin' through his things.  We'll have to box it all - not that there's that 
much - see if his folks want it, or what."  Tucker waved one of the PADDs.  
"Glad I checked, though.  He did like most of us, made out a will.  Space is 
dangerous, most of us have some kinda thing stored in our Starfleet files.  He'd 
updated his pretty recently, I figure, from looking at it."

The engineer paused, then settled himself on the edge of Archer's desk, 
looking at the PADD.  "A couple of souvenirs he picked up along the way, he left to 
Hoshi."  Tucker sighed.  "Some tools he'd brought along - couple 'a real nice 
pieces, I gotta say - left 'em to me.  I'd borrowed his miniaturized set a 
couple 'a times, guess he figured I could use 'em."  Another pause.  "Left me 
his copy of Ulysses, too.  He musta figured I needed the culture."

Archer sat on the edge of his bed, chuckling sadly.  "I wish that was funny, 
Trip.  If all of this wasn't going on - "

"Yeah," Tucker agreed, taking the opportunity to stare at his feet.  
"Cap'n... he wanted you to have his hardback book copy of Lao Tzu's 'The Art of War'.  
And a Xindi knife he picked up somewhere along the way - didn't even know 
he'd gotten his hands on one."  Tucker swallowed, then reached for another of the 
PADDs he'd brought.  "And, uh, he wanted you to have this PADD."  He handed 
the device to the man across from him.  "You don't hafta read it now.  Some of 
his tactical log entries I guess he thought you'd want saved for your own 
logs, some personal logs of his he wanted you to have, that kind of thing.  I 
copied 'em over from his logs for ya.

Archer took the PADD and began turning it over in his hands. "The tactical 
officer's logs... I can see why he might have thought I'd want records of those 
if anything happened to him... but personal?"

Tucker began shifting uncomfortably.  "Look, Jon, you're my best friend.  
Ever.  But Malcolm was a friend of mine too.  He used to sit and talk with me a 
lot, after we kinda got to know each other.  He told me some stuff, stuff he 
made me promise I wasn't gonna tell you.  I guess he wanted you to hear it at 
some point, just not when he was around."

Curious now, Archer stared at his Chief Engineer.  "I don't follow."

The younger man swallowed.  "Uh... Malcolm... um..."  He swallowed again, a 
fine sweat breaking out near his brow.  "Look, Jon.  A while back, Malcolm told 
me he, uh... was kinda interested in you.  I don't mean friends.  He made me 
promise I'd never tell you.  He didn't think it was appropriate that he was 
even thinking about it... and, well, he figured you wouldn't find it any more 
appropriate than he did, especially you not bein' interested in guys and all."

Archer raised an eyebrow.  "Malcolm was -- what?  With all the grief he gave 
me about being unprofessional?  Being too close to my crew?  That's some kind 
of way to be interested," he sighed.

Tucker squirmed.  "I think it was because he didn't want you to catch on.  He 
respected you a lot, Cap'n.  But he didn't want you to have any idea what he 
was thinkin' so he kinda bent over backwards to do the opposite.  People sorta 
overcompensate when they don't want people to know how they feel."

The PADD went on the bed at Archer's side.  "I wish he'd felt he could tell 
me.  That he *had* told me.  It might have made a difference.  Somehow."

"How?  You weren't gonna start dating him, were you?  I know you, Jon.  
That'd be the day.  And it wasn't gonna keep him from getting killed - not while he 
was leading that boarding party to get those Osaarian pirates off of that 
Vulcan ship on Thursday."

Archer shook his head.  "I don't know, Trip.  I -"

"Look, what were you gonna do if he told you?  Turn him down politely but 
firmly?  'Sorry, Malcolm, I appreciate the thought, but I'm not into guys?'  He 
didn't wanna get rejected, Jon. He wouldn't have wanted you to feel sorry for 
him.  He thought he was better off with you thinking he hated your command 
style than that he wanted to go out with you.  And I gotta say, I think he was 
right.  It's hard as hell to work with or for someone when you know they've gotta 
be pitying you and where you're at.  Malcolm Reed wouldn't have wanted to get 
sympathy from you for having a bad crush.  He never asked for sympathy from 
anyone.  Never wanted it for any reason."  Tucker rose.  "It's getting late.  I 
need to get to Engineering -- I'll come on back when my shift's over."  He 
headed for the door, looking over his shoulder.  "I know you, Jon.  I *know* how 
you get, and I know how Malcolm was. It wouldn't have worked out on board for 
him if he'd told you. Both of you were better off, you not knowing." 

The door slid open, then shut quickly behind him.

Archer picked up the PADD, turning it in his hands once more, as he watched 
Tucker leave and the door close.

"Maybe you don't know me, Trip."  He put the PADD back on the bed, blinking 
back unshed tears. 

- 30 -


WARNING: deathfic (see epigraph)



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