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Subject: [ASCEM-S] NEW: Captain Proton & the Planet of Lesbians 2/3 (VOY, J/7, P/K, T/7)
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Title: Captain Proton and the Planet of Lesbians (Part Two)

Author: Odon

Fandom: Star Trek Voyager/Captain Proton uber.

Pairings: Janeway/Seven, Paris/Kes, Kim/Paris, Torres/Seven.

Summary: Can Captain Proton defeat the evil Queen Sapphia and her 

Rated: NC-17.  Contains explicit homosexual and heterosexual 
scenes.  If this offends you, don't read any further!

Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story.  
Star Trek: Voyager and its characters are the property of Paramount 
and Viacom.

Send feedback to odon05@hotmail.com.  Archiving is welcome, but 
please try and contact me first.  My thanks to Meagan for her beta 
work.
______________________________________________________________


THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON!

CHAPTER 70: NAKED NYMPHOMANIACS!

(This episode is sponsored by the American Asbestos Corporation.  
Did you know that asbestos, due to its excellent fire resistant 
qualities, is used in public and private buildings throughout our 
great country?  Asbestos - serving the long-term health and safety 
of all Americans!)

WHEN LAST SEEN, PROTON WAS FLEEING THROUGH THE SWELTERING JUNGLES OF 
VENUS, PURSUED BY THE AMAZON WARRIORS OF THE EVIL QUEEN SAPPHIA!

Captain Proton struggled through the tangled undergrowth as the 
sounds of pursuit grew ever closer.  Sweat saturated his turtleneck 
pullover and ruined his dashing haircut.  His boots caught on pink, 
fleshy creepers and sank deep into the boggy ground.  He could hear 
the eerie cries of alien birds flitting through the trees, the 
hunting calls of savage predators, the lowing of the Queen's bull 
dykes.

'It's no use,' Proton thought.  'They're catching up with me.  I've 
got to stand and fight . . . but with what?'

He seized a thick branch on the nearest tree.  It was soft and 
pliant, not hard and brittle like those of Earth.  It bent and 
stretched under his grip, but would not break off!  Desperately, 
Proton grabbed a thinner branch and yanked on it with all his might.

"OW!"

To Proton's shock, he realised he was holding the arm of young 
girl!  She had elf-like ears, small pert breasts, and eyes as large 
and luminous as those of a Japanese manga heroine.  The girl's pink 
skin and short bob of blonde hair exactly matched the colours of the 
tree she'd been hiding in.  Her only garments were a pair of 
handmade leather boots that reached up to her knees, and an 
equipment belt wrapped around her tiny waist.  Her gear was a 
curious mix; a blowgun and quiver of bone darts hung alongside an 
electronic proximity detector.  Its battered metal casing was marked 
with faded ideographs that Proton had last seen on the ancient ruins 
of Mars.

"Don't be alarmed," said Proton, as the girl tried to pull away.  "I 
won't hurt you.  What's your name?"

"Kis."

"Always glad to oblige," said Proton, bending down to her lips.

"No, that's my nammm-mmmm-mmme!" said Kis, finally coming up for 
air.  Her eyes seemed to double in diameter as she felt Proton's 
involuntary response to their smooch.

"But you're . . . you're a Man!"

"Captain Proton," he said gallantly, willing his hard-on to 
subside.  "Spaceman First Class, protector of Earth, scourge of 
intergalactic evil, at your service."

Kis' response was to drop to her knees, undo Proton's fly, and 
enthusiastically worship his cock with her cute, perky mouth.

"OH MY GOD . . . ah, listen d-d-doll, mmmuch as I enJOY First C-
Contact pro-oh-oh-OH-tocols (jesus!) but RIGHT n-now I'm being 
chased by-by-BY! s-some rather NNNNNASTY people!"

The girl's proximity detector emitted a quiet but very distinct beep.

Kis took her mouth off him and said huskily: "Come."

"Some other time!" said Proton, frantically trying to stuff a 
massive erection back into his tight trousers.

"No, come!" said Kis, gently tugging on his penis.  "Come with me, 
now!"

Proton stumbled after Kis as she led him by the dick into a grove of 
bizarre-looking trees.  Their trunks resembled squat fat jugs, each 
narrowing into a single fleshy branch topped by a man-sized bulb.  
They produced a pleasant, albeit alien fragrance.

"Don't touch the roots," whispered Kis.

Proton looked down and saw a thick tangle of roots sprawling out 
from the base of each tree.  Abandoning his struggles with his fly, 
he placed his feet carefully between them.  "Why?  What would happen 
if . . . "  He looked up.  "Kis?"

The girl had vanished into thin air.

"Uh oh.  I've got a bad feeling about this."

With a ferocious roar two huge women burst through the trees.  They 
had beards like buffaloes, more muscles than the Governor of 
California, and two great horns sticking out of their heads.  At the 
sight of Proton's exposed cock, one of the bull dykes gave a loud 
snort of derision.

"Is that supposed to impress me?" she said.  "Well MY horns are 
bigger!"

"Come on, let's get this over with," said the other, strapping on an 
Anal Invader of terrifying proportions.  "You hold him down and I'll 
fuck him."

"We've no time for the usual execution rites," said a familiar 
voice.  Proton spun round to find Aylarna pointing her power rod at 
his prostate gland.  "The Wood Nymphs could be here any minute.  You 
may have come in peace, Proton, but you'll be going back in pieces!  
Goodbye, and Good Riddance!"

WILL PROTON'S BALLS HANG FROM THE WALLS OF THE QUEEN'S HALLS?  WILL 
AYLARNA MAKE A TROPHY OF PROTON'S BANNANA?  IS CONSTANCE FATED TO 
BECOME THE QUEEN'S CUNT-EATING CONCUBINE?  DOES THE CRYPTIC KIS 
SWALLOW WHEN SHE...AH BUGGER IT, LET'S GET ON WITH THE STORY.

The tip of Princess Aylarna's power rod was a glaring red eye as she 
prepared to blast Proton into oblivion.  The bull dykes gathered 
close, snorting and pawing the ground in anticipation.

One of their hooves struck a root.

With an ear-splitting screech, the trees exploded into violent 
motion!  Their bulbs split apart into hundreds of tentacles, rimming 
ghastly mouths lined with endless spirals of teeth.  In a whiplike 
motion they reached down and seized the nearest bull dyke.  Red 
light blasted from Aylarna's power rod, scorching away fibrous 
chunks of the carnivorous creatures, but it was too late.  The bull 
dyke barely had time to bellow before she was devoured.  Even as 
Proton watched, another plant swooped down on the princess from 
behind and lifted her into the air, legs kicking helplessly.  The 
other bull dyke turned to flee, but two darts sprouted from her 
chest, and she fell lifeless to the ground.

Proton grabbed Aylarna's power rod from where it had fallen.  
Stepping between the roots, he advanced on the plant which had 
seized the princess.  "Let her go, you overgrown stick of celery!"

A hand caught his arm.  "Leave her!" said Kis.  "The Amazons are our 
mortal enemies!  Leave her!"

Aylarna was cursing in Low Genitalese as she struggled with the 
tentacles that gripped her body.  Slowly but surely, she was being 
pulled into that hideous maw.

Proton shook off Kis' hand.  He twisted the base of the power rod 
until its tip glowed bright blue.  Desperately hoping he had the 
right setting, Proton pointed the weapon and squeezed the handle.

A blue beam shot out and enveloped the predacious plant like an 
amorphous blanket.  The tree shuddered, its tentacles went slack and 
Aylarna dropped to the ground with a bone-jarring thud.  Proton 
swept the beam across the grove.  The other plants shook as if in 
ecstasy, their bulbs closing tight and becoming still once more.

"What . . . on Venus . . . did you do . . . that for?" groaned 
Aylarna.

"It's called Humanity," said Proton, as he checked her for injuries.

"I might have known the word 'man' would be in there somewhere."  
Aylarna looked past his shoulder and abruptly stiffened.

Proton turned to find a dozen beautiful naked nymphs, all with pink 
skin, blonde hair and cute pointed ears, aiming a small arsenal of 
weaponry at them.

Proton sighed, raised his hands, and gave the Authorised First 
Contact Protocol of the Patrol Fleet of the Incorporated Planets.

"OK dolls.  Take me to your leader."

*  *  *  *  *

Buster Kincaid awoke to find himself naked and bound with steel 
shackles to a shiny metal platform.  Two identical beauties, in five-
inch heels and white lab coats that barely covered the bold thrust 
of their foxy asses, hovered over him with ravenous looks in their 
eyes.

"Greetings, Man of Earth," purred one of them.  "I am Megii, and 
this is my twin sister Jenii.  We are the Succubus."

"Torture me all you want!" declared Buster bravely.  "You can whip 
me, beat me, subject me to more sexual humiliation than a detainee 
in Abu Ghraib jail, but I'll never crack!"

"Ohhhh, but it's not information we want," purred Jenii, stroking a 
long painted fingernail down the length of his chest.

"We require your Manseed," said Megii.  "We shall drain you of the 
essence from which all life springs.  Your death will be the most 
exquisite demise imaginable."

"You'll be our *puppet*," said Jenii.

"Our *slave*."

"By the time we're through with you, you'll be *begging* to give us 
everything you can blow."

"Errrr . . . my mother told me never to have unprotected sex with 
strangers!" stammered Buster.

"What protection do you require?" asked Jenii, as her hand slid down 
to encircle his cock.

"Nuclear weapons!"

The twins laughed, licking their carmine lips with tongues made long 
and limber through generations of evolved cunnilinguists.  Cackling 
evilly, they attached an anaconda-sized suction tube to his penis.  
Desperately Buster recited the mantra learned by all space cadets at 
the Interplanetary Patrol Academy.

"I must drink beer.  Beer is the mind killer.  Beer brings the 
hangover that causes total obliteration.  I will scull my beer.  I 
will let it pass through me, till only urine remains!"

It was no use.  His cock stirred like a rousing serpent as Megii and 
Jenii slipped off their lab coats to reveal their sheer white 
stockings and lace-edged suspenders.  Tantalising wisps of dark 
pubic hair curled over the top of skimpy pink panties, and three-
inch nipples sprung from the tips of their bare naked breasts.

Buster shut his eyes tight.  "The procedure for assembling a General 
Dynamics Class IV Rocket Engine is as follows: Insert the long 
tribanium rod into the moist cunt . . . I mean the Moise-Carver 
termination socket.  Do not attempt to force the rod if it becomes 
stuck, but instead come, I mean COAT the rod in ejaculate . . . 
EJECTION lubricant in order to ease its passage into the tight 
hole__"

A loud moan made him open his eyes again.  Megii had her sister up 
on the table next to him, her legs spread wider than the far reaches 
of the universe.  They were committing an act of incest so perverted 
not even mad Roman Emperors would have considered it.

"The President of Earth naked!" babbled Buster.  "The cold depths of 
space, ahhh . . . the Giant Toothed Vagina of Freudian Nightmares!  
The Slime-Dripping Sludge Monster of Stenchia III!"

"His will is strong," said Megii, as she came up for air.  "Or he's 
a complete limp dick; it matters little.  We shall delve into the 
dark realms of his hidden desires and awake his most perverted 
fantasies.  Bring me the brain probe!"

"The what?" asked Jenii, a glazed look in her eyes.

"The brain probe, you insolent fool!"

"Oh right," said Jenii.  "Is that the one you stuck up my 
(CENSORED)?"

"No you dimwitted dildo, it's the one you used to rub my (CENSORED) 
as I stuck my tongue up your (CENSORED) while simultaneously 
inserting a (CENSORED) up your (CENSORED), you (CENSORED) (CENSORED) 
(CENSORED)!"

Jenii rummaged through a box containing more probes than the entire 
Mariner space program.

"Here we are," she said triumphantly.  She wiped off the lubricant 
and began to insert the probe into Buster's left ear.

"ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Buster, who felt 
as if his whole head was being readied for spit-roasting.

"Stop complaining!" said Megii.  "If we followed tradition we'd be 
sticking this probe up your__"

Buster was walking in an open field.

It was the field on which they'd first landed on Venus.  The wind 
ruffled the blue grass, the blonde leaves of the trees, the sandy-
blond hair of Captain Proton as they strode back to their rocket 
ship.  It stood tall and proud, a symbol of the technical 
superiority of mankind, pointing the way back to Earth.

"What happened?" asked Buster, looking around confused.

"Don't you remember?" said Proton, smiling warmly at him.

"The last thing I remember . . . "  Buster frowned.  "I was being 
prick-teased . . . I mean tortured by the Succubus."

"The Brain Probe must have damaged your memory," said Proton, 
placing a comforting arm around his shoulder.  "You held out for 
days until I was able to rescue you.  You're a real trooper, 
Kincaid.  One of the best."

The praise made Buster's heart swell.  "We saved Earth again, I take 
it?"

"Of course.  Queen Sapphia has been defeated and her Beta 
Disintegrator destroyed.  And it's all thanks to you."  Proton 
opened the hatch and stepped inside, Buster following like an eager 
puppy.

"Where's Constance?"

"I sent her to powder her nose for a few hours," said Proton, 
bending over an instrument panel.  "We don't want to be disturbed."

"Err . . . disturbed?" asked Buster, his breath catching.  His 
captain's trousers had pulled tight into the twin mounds of his ass.

"Yes," said Proton, smiling over his shoulder at him.  "Now's your 
chance to show me why they call you Buster."

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE GOLDEN JUNGLE, CAPTAIN PROTON WAS INTRODUCING 
PRINCESS AYLARNA TO AN OLD EARTH CUSTOM.

"Well, do you like it?" asked Proton.  "Better than your bearded 
clams, I'll bet."

"Mmm-mmmmmmm-mmmmmm!" was all Aylarna could say.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," advised Proton.  "Just enjoy that 
good 'ole American meat."

"Mmm!  It tastes better than I thought it would!"

"Careful!  Don't squeeze so hard, it's going to spurt all over you!"

"Oh-oh-oh!  I've got . . . I've got white stuff all over my hands!"

"Well, just lick it off.  It's not poisonous."

"What do you call this again?"

"A hamburger."

"Well I must admit," said Aylarna as she licked mayonnaise off her 
fingers.  "Up till now I always thought the only thing you Men could 
invent was a better furniture dolly."

They were sitting on the banks of a glittering purple stream.  Naked 
nymphs sang in alluring tones as they bathed in the cool waters, 
soaping each other's slim, nubile bodies.  Others gathered flowers 
to garland their hair, or tasty mushrooms which made them stare into 
space with rapt expressions on their faces.

"I don't see your problem," said Proton.  "They seem quite beautiful 
to me.  A people in harmony with nature."

Aylarna shot a contemptuous look over her shoulder.  Two Wood Nymphs 
were standing a few feet away, pointing rayguns that showed clear 
signs of age at her head.

"They're traitors," she said.  "In the War Between the Sexes the 
Nymphomaniacs fought on the side of Mars.  They worship Men and 
those built-in dildos you've got swinging between your legs.  So if 
you play your cards right, you could spend the rest of your life 
here coming on behalf of all Mankind."

"I'll take a raincheck, seeing as that maniac queen of yours is 
trying to wipe out my entire planet.  What I don't understand is why 
you're helping her do it."

"What do you expect me to do?" snapped Aylarna.  "Turn against my 
entire cultural, sexual, and socio-political upbringing, simply 
because I've sampled your prime American beef?"

"Sure doll, happens all the time."

Proton looked up as Kis approached, her eyes demurely downcast so 
she could check out his crotch.  "The Divine Prophetess Chukotai has 
arrived, Mighty Proton.  She wishes to speak to you."

"Her too," said Proton, pointing at Aylarna.

"As you wish, your Incredible Hardness."

Aylarna rolled her eyes in disgust, muttering something about a fish 
without a bicycle.

Kis led them down a winding path to a large clearing in the midst of 
the jungle.  Broad-leafed tree canopies had interwoven with a net of 
climbing vines to form a great bower, concealing them from airborne 
eyes.  The only object inside the clearing was a single stone chair, 
shaped like a man's erect penis.  A woman clothed in white body 
paint was seated in the pouch of its scrotum.  She wore a wooden 
mask carved to resemble the square-jawed features of a handsome male 
warrior, his forehead marked by tattooed words in ancient 
Martian: 'Death Before Dildos'.  Hundreds of Wood Nymphs were 
gathered in the branches of the surrounding trees, staring at Proton 
with reverence and Aylarna with hatred.

"It was said that a Man would come."  The voice from behind the mask 
was soft, yet carried an unmistakable authority.

"A Man would Come," repeated the Nymphs, shivering with pleasure 
over the last word.

"It was said that a Man would come, tall and handsome like the 
Heroes of Mars, girded with a mighty weapon between his legs.  A Man 
who would restore Man to his rightful supremacy.  A Man who would 
lead us to victory over the evil forces of Amazonia.  And so a Man 
has come."

"A Man has Come."

"Captain Proton, the Nymphomaniacs of the Wood are ready and willing 
to assist the armies of Planet Earth.  We greet you with open arms 
and legs.  Together we will destroy the terrible Queen Sapphia and 
all those who go down . . . I mean bow down before her."

"Down with the Fortress of Dildo!" cried the Wood Nymphs.  "Up the 
Erections of Earth!"

"Now hold on a minute," said Proton.  "I think there's been a 
misunderstanding.  I was sent here to stop the attacks on my planet, 
not lead an invasion.  Where I come from we've learned to settle our 
disputes peacefully."

"There can be no peace between Amazons and Nymphs," said the Divine 
Prophetess Chukotai.  "They worship at the Altar of Hymen, we kneel 
before the Great Woody.  We eat corn the long way, they drink from 
the fuzzy cup of love.  The shadow of the Fortress of Dildo lies 
like a harbinger of death over our beautiful Golden Jungle.  Even as 
we speak, trees are being cut down to fuel the insatiable appetites 
of Queen Sapphia's industrial machine.  When our jungle has been 
shaved bare, the Wood Nymphs will be erased from the face of this 
planet as if they had never existed."

"And it's no more than you deserve, you treacherous fellatio 
fanatics!" shouted Aylarna.  "When Queen Sapphia finds out I've been 
captured__"

"Your Queen has abandoned you," said Chukotai.  "Sapphia has 
announced her union with the Earthling Constance Goodheart.  She is 
to be her Seventh bride."

"What?" gasped Aylarna.  "You mean . . . I've been tossed over, just 
because Sapphia wants the title role in 'I Married A Pair of Mammary 
Glands From Outer Space'?"

"Happens all the time," said Proton.  "Look dolls, let's get one 
thing straight.  There's no way I'm starting another thousand year 
war between the sexes.  I'm here to destroy the Queen's Beta 
Disintegrator, and that's it!  Are you going to help me or not?"

"But your Longness," said Kis.  "We would gladly assist you, but the 
few rayguns we have are obsolete.  Without new weapons from Earth 
our people will be massacred.  We no longer have the technology to 
build more."

"You could always try feeding some trees to a furnace or two," 
muttered Aylarna.  Proton gave her a sharp kick on the ankle.

"Actually, I know just the man to help you," he said.  "Ladies and 
er . . . ladies, I would like to introduce the greatest scientist 
our planet has ever produced.  Five time winner of the Galactic 
Star, internationally famous opera singer, writer of several best-
selling holographic novels (plus some rather embarrassing love 
sonnets) and a pretty competent doctor as well, though he's always 
denied it since Dr Chaotica discredited the profession.  I give 
you . . . the President of Earth!"

Proton pushed a button on his chest-mounted control panel.  To the 
stirring strains of 'Hail to the Chief' a single photon flared into 
life.  Then another, followed by thousands more.  Optronic pathways 
connected, subroutines emerged from the chaos, and before the 
startled gaze of the Venusians, a fully sentient hologram of the 
President of Earth was born.  It was precise in every detail: the 
permanent frown, the wireframe glasses, the solar-powered head.  The 
Wood Nymphs dropped to their knees in awe.

"Well really," scoffed Aylarna.  "Just because he looks like a 
dick . . . "

"Please state the nature of the sexual emergency," said the 
holographic President.  "Impotence, eh?  Then Extra-Strength Viagra 
is the answer to your prayers!"

"Oh not *again*!" said Proton.  He twisted a dial, making the 
hologram crackle like a badly tuned radio.

"Nine out of ten doctors report massive hard-ons . . . unimpeachable 
performance . . . read my lips, no new taxes . . . help me obi-wan 
kenobi, you're my only hope . . . I did not have sex with that 
woman . . . err, Citizens of Venus, I bring you greetings from the 
planet Earth!"

"Mr President," said Proton.  "Have you been monitoring the 
situation?"

"Of course," said the hologram snootily.  "While you've been 
carrying out your continuing mission to explore strange new girls, I 
have been more *productively* engaged in analysing that weapon you 
captured from the Princess.  It appears to work by means of a 
Trenasian crystal that amplifies a coherent stream of monochromatic 
light while simultaneously adjusting the amplitude__"  The President 
stopped when he realised everyone was staring blankly at him.

"It's a raygun, OK?"

"Can you build similar weapons with the resources we have here?" 
asked Proton.

"I'm a scientist, not a miracle worker.  However, as you've noticed, 
the raybeam of these weapons can be modulated to produce different 
effects - immobilisation, pain, disintegration, even pleasure.  Now 
I can't deflect these beams, but I can adjust their amplitude to 
make them less deadly.  What you need is the Trenasian crystal from 
the Destructo Beam on your rocket ship, which you can then use to 
construct a Photo-Stimulated Non-coherent Diametrical Resonating 
Field Amplitude Modifier."

"Is that difficult to make?" asked Kis, her eyes wide as always.

"No, but it was bloody difficult to say."

"But a device like that would have a limited range," said 
Proton.  "And there's only one Trenasian crystal on board my rocket 
ship."

The President rolled his eyes in exasperation.  "Must I think of 
*everything*, Proton?  The Fortress of Dildo is *made* of Trenasian 
crystal.  I'm a politician (not a doctor of sociology), but didn't 
you find it odd that a culture which despises all forms of 
patriarchy would built such a blatantly phallic structure?"

"The Queen's Beta Disintegrator!"

"Exactly.  The so-called Fortress of Dildo is actually a device for 
focusing the energies of this world.  I hypothesize that it was 
originally designed to power the Contraceptive Shield that protects 
Venusians from their hostile atmosphere.  It was Queen Sapphia who 
realised its potential as a weapon of mass destruction."

"Then we can't destroy it," said Proton.

"No.  You'd collapse the Shield and kill every living thing on 
Venus.  However, we can use this weapon against itself.  By placing 
the Photo-Stimulated Non-coherent Diamet . . . the whatsit at the 
focal point of the beam, its effects will resonate throughout the 
crystal structure of the fortress.  That should render all weapons 
in the vicinity impotent.  And before you ask," he said, as Proton 
opened his mouth again, "from the shape of its construction, I'd say 
the focal point is the amphitheatre where you first met the Queen."

"There is a problem, your Baldness," said Chukotai.  "Proton's 
rocket ship has been hidden away in the Royal Labia-rinth, where it 
is guarded by the Hideous Gobblsnutch."

A shiver of fear rippled through the Nymphs like a collective orgasm.

"And what," asked Proton, "is a Hideous Gobblsnutch?"

"A dreadful creature," gasped Kis, her eyes widening so much they 
met in the middle of her face.  "It has two heads, six gaping 
slobbering mouths, twenty clutching hands with poisonous claws, eyes 
on long stalks__"

"Oh, THAT Hideous Gobblsnutch."

*  *  *  *  *

"Oh no, it's *you* again," said the Right Head of the Hideous 
Gobblsnutch.  "Proton the Penis-Puller."

"You can't have your rocket ship back," said Left Head.  "Go away.  
I warn you, I'm ferocious!  Grrrr!  Grrrrrrr!  GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"

"I've come to offer you a proposition," said Proton, holding his 
nose against the repellant stink of the Labia-rinth.  "God, when was 
the last time this place had a douche?"

"If you can't appreciate my cologne, then leave," said Right 
Head.  "And you can stick your proposition up your solitary 
orifice.  We're not interested in gold, fine jewels, or sacrifices 
of beautiful virgin dragons."

"The only reason that Sapphia bitch leaves us alone is because we 
keep out unwanted guests," said Left Head.  "So shoo!"

"When we first met you said you were the last of your kind," said 
Proton.  "That you hoped to meet other beings like yourself."

"Did I say that?" asked Right Head.

"No, that was me," said Left Head.

"You are me!"

"In my adventures I have traveled throughout the galaxy," continued 
Proton.  "I have sailed the canals of Mars, skirted the rings of 
Saturn, battled the foul stench of Uranus__"

"That's not the galaxy, that's only the solar system!"

"Whatever.  The point is, in my travels I have encountered many 
hideous . . . I mean handsome creatures like yourself.  If you show 
me where the Queen's hidden my rocket ship, I can take you off this 
planet to any place you wish."

"Ohhhh, I don't *know* . . . " said Left Head, quivering with fear 
and indecision.

"Can't you make up your mind for once?" snapped Right Head.

"How can I when I've got two of them!"

"Just think," said Proton temptingly.  "Bug-eyed monsters, giant 
crawling eyes, multi-headed slime serpents, man-eating spiders fifty 
feet high . . . "

"Ohhhh, they sound *gorgeous*," said Left Head.  "Will you set up a 
date?"

"I'll even chaperone."

"It's a deal!" said both heads simultaneously.  The Hideous 
Gobblsnutch extended a thick tentacle.  "Shake on it?"

"That's your penis," said Proton dryly.

"Just kidding."

CAN PROTON LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOMEONE'S DICK IS BIGGER 
THAN HIS?  CAN CONSTANCE BE SAVED FROM MUFF-MUNCHING MATRIMONY?  
WILL BUSTER SUCCEED IN BUSTING OUT OF THE CLOSET?  FIND OUT IN THE 
NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER . . . CAPTAIN PROTON AND THE DILDO OF DOOM!




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