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Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 11:03:55 -0400
Subject: [ASCEM-S] NEW: TOS Commander [R] 2/5 K/Ch, ChFF
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TITLE: Commander
AUTHOR: Djinn
CONTACT: djinn@djinnslair.com   http://www.djinnslair.com
SERIES: TOS
RATING: R
CODES: K/Ch, Chapel Fic Fest
PART: 2/5
DISCLAIMERS: Paramount and Viacom own these characters--I'm just
warping canon.
SUMMARY: Sequel to "Scientist." The continuing look at Chapel through


Christine is bent over Rasmussen's station, watching a crippled
freighter pull into spacedock when she feels someone nudge her.  She
glances over her shoulder, sees Janice staring at the entrance.

"Little busy here, Jan."  She turns back to the terminal.

"Christine."  Something in Janice's voice makes her turn around,
look at the entrance.

Jim stands there; he is watching her.  They stare at each other for
a long time, then he motions with his head for her to join him.  The
way he used to when they were newly in love and he still trusted
her, still wanted to spend time with her.

She feels anger rise inside her.  A sudden contrary urge makes her
plant her feet.

Jim's expression doesn't change, but she has the sense he is not
surprised that she isn't moving.

"Christine, don't be an idiot.  One of you has to blink."  When
Christine doesn't answer, Janice says, "Isn't this what you
wanted?"  She pushes her gently toward the door.  "Go to him. Or so
help me god, I'll kill you."

Taking her headset off, Christine lays it down and walks over to
him.  "Captain."

"Commander."  He's not smiling.  "I thought you might be free for
lunch?"

She nods slowly.

"We need to talk," he says.

"We've needed to talk for some time.  You weren't interested in
talking."  She tries to bite down the anger that keeps rising, knows
some of it is because she feels so damn guilty every time she looks
at him.

He takes her arm, probably looks like the perfect gentleman, but his
grip is steel.  "Come on."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Then you never should have jumped that damn ravine."

"That was some time ago, Jim."

"Yes.  It was."  He shoots her an annoyed look.  "Time heals all
wounds."

"Does it?"

"So they say."  He looks at her again, his eyes giving nothing
away.  He doesn't let go of her as he steers them down the corridor
toward the exit.

"I guess we're not going to eat in the mess?"

"No."  He glances at her.  "Somewhere more private."

"How private?"  She tries to pull away.

He lets her go.  "Not that private."

She stops, and he does too.  They stare at each other, and finally
she indicates he should lead on.  He does not try to take her arm;
she almost wishes that he would.  She feels off balance.  Very
confused.

Why now?  Why does he want to talk to her now?  He's been gone, out
in space on his shiny new ship.  A shiny new ship that didn't prove
very able, given the reports she's read.  And a first mission that
turned into a bit of a fiasco.   She's pretty sure having his ship
hijacked was not the pinnacle of Jim's week.

She slows as they approach the exit.  "I'm not hungry," she says,
her tone abrupt, the words coming out as one rushed sound.

"Fine.  We'll walk then."

"Fine."  She glances over at him.

His jaw is set, his eyes look angry.  He turns to meet her gaze and
she can see that he is indeed angry.  Very angry.

Looking down, she stops walking.  "Jim, if you just want to yell at
me.  Do it here."

"Why would I yell at you?"

She sighs.  "For all the things you're still angry at.  For my not
telling you the truth.  For betraying you.  For working on the
project with Carol and with David.  For using protomatter--"

He looks startled; this is clearly a surprise.  "Protomatter?  You
were involved with that?"

She nods.  "I was the one who worked the closest with David.  I told
you that back when I gave you that damned tour.  I was supposed to
be the voice of reason, but all I did was egg him on.  We were like
two kids in the science equivalent of the candy shop.  We played
with fire; we thought we were gods.  What more do you want me to
say?"

"It was your idea?"

She looks down, feels a pang as if she is betraying the dead.  "No,
it was his.  But a long time ago, I wrote about it in my
dissertation. And he found that.  He found me.  I did tell you about
that...sort of."

"At the conference?"  It sounds like it is all coming together for
him.  "And then you stopped telling me much of anything about your
work."

She nods.  "So you see, my betrayal goes back even farther than you
thought."  She takes a step away from him.  "I'm truly irredeemable."

"I'll be the judge of that."

"The judge of me, you mean?  Well, why not?  I hurt you the most,
after all.  Your son's dead, your best friend was dead, your ship
was destroyed.  You nearly lost your life and your career, and Len
nearly lost his mind.  What didn't I destroy because I let a young
man talk me into doing exactly what I wanted to do?"  She turns away
from him, sits down on a nearby bench.

He sits down next to her.

"I have a lot to answer for, Jim."

"Yes.  You do.  But not to me.   Not about the protomatter, anyway.
That's between you and your conscience, Chris."

She turns to him, frowns.

"But the other...David..."  He sighs.  "I find myself in an odd
position."  He's not looking at her, as if it's easier to talk if he
doesn't have to really see her.  "Someone I cared about, someone I
loved, who I trusted implicitly, betrayed me.  Kept something from
me and did some things that put my life and my ship at risk."

She looks down.

"Not you, Chris.  Spock."

She turns to him.  Confused.  "Spock did?"

"In this latest mission."  He sees her look and waves her questions
away.  "It's a long story.  Suffice it to say that I forgave him.
And now I'm wondering why I can forgive him and not you?"

She laughs.  It is a bitter sound.  "Maybe because you want to
forgive him and you don't want to forgive me?"  The sound only grows
more cutting as she laughs again.  "Maybe I'm not worth forgiving?"

"You're really wallowing in this, aren't you?"  His tone is sharp,
he's not joking.

"I should have stopped David.  And now he's dead and the whole thing
was a disaster."  She wipes an angry tear away.  "I knew it couldn't
work, and I didn't stop him."

"Protomatter?  You knew protomatter couldn't work?"  His voice is
hushed, this discussion is forbidden, but they are having it
anyway.  Genesis is a dead subject, yet he is going to let her talk
about it.  Finally, someone will let her talk about it.

She is glad he didn't want to eat in the mess.  "Yes, I knew
protomatter was unstable, but that didn't stop me from helping David
add it to the mix so that Genesis would actually work, so that it
really would create life from lifelessness."

"And it did."

"Not for long.  The planet destroyed itself."

He moves closer, drops his voice even more.  "Spock probably can
explain this better than I can, but it did work, Chris.  I saw the
cave on Regula."  His eyes seem very far away, he smiles.  "It was a
paradise.  A stable paradise."

She waves his words away.  "Small scale.  But when Khan set it loose
on a planet, then it failed."

"Khan didn't set it loose on a planet.  Khan set the Genesis device
off on the Reliant.  In the middle of the Mutara Nebula."

"There wasn't a planet?"

He shakes his head.  "The Genesis Planet was formed from the matter
within the nebula, and the debris of what was left of the Reliant."

She sits back.  "But when they debriefed us, they said the planet
was dangerously unstable."

"Yes, inherently so.  Carol told me that you had to tweak the mix
numerous times before you were confident that the Genesis Cave could
be attempted.  She said that the system tended toward its original
state."

She nods.  "It was the protomatter that pulled it forward, kept it
moving toward growth, not back toward lifelessness."

"It's mind-boggling to imagine the force strong enough to pull
matter in from the nebula and create a world, even though that
matter was trying to return to its original unfettered state."

She looks at him. "The matter was never meant to be together.  It
was the base material that was unstable, not the protomatter in this
case."

He nods.  "The protomatter did its job.  It worked.  There was a
paradise there, for a short time anyway.  If it had been a real
planet you tried it on, it might have been a paradise forever."
Smiling at her, he says, "It worked, Chris.  You and David did it."
He laughs.  "And no one will ever believe you."

"No one should.  It's too dangerous.  Too likely to be turned into a
weapon.  Let them think it's a failure."  But she smiles, a long,
satisfied smile before she turns to him in alarm.  "Carol will
figure it out."

He shakes his head.  "Carol doesn't know about the protomatter.  I
don't plan to tell her--neither does Saavik, and David never did
tell her.  The project has been shut down.  You're the only one left
who can tell her that her life's work wasn't a failure."  He looks
at her.  "Will you?"

"No."  It's not just because she feels she owes Carol some pain for
setting her up.  It really is too great a risk.  "No. She'll never
hear it from me."  She frowns.  "But it doesn't matter.  I know her.
She'll start to look at the notes we left."

He looks down.  "Starfleet wiped the computers...in her lab, and on
Regula."

"She'll have backups."

"Maybe.  But no one to talk to about it.  Genesis is a dead issue."

They sit quietly on the bench.

Finally, she turns to him.  "Thank you for telling me."

He nods.

"I guess you have a ship to get back to?"

He nods again.

She smiles, knows it is a sad smile.  "I do wish you well, Jim."
Getting up, she starts to walk away.

"Don't you want to know if I'm going to forgive you?"

She stops walking, but doesn't turn around.   "Are you going to?"

"Should I?"  He is moving towards her.

"Answering a question with a question isn't very clever, Jim.  Not
after all the time we've spent together."

He moves closer.  "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

"You think I won't?"  She turns, stares at him.  "I don't have much
left to show you.  Pain and guilt, anger and loneliness, and mostly
how I've had to move on."

"Did you move on?"

"I don't know, but you did.  The lovely Antonia."  Her voice is
bitter.

"And you and Matthew?"

She looks down.  "It didn't work."

"Why not?"  He has moved closer again.

"He knows my heart is already spoken for.  Even if you don't want me
anymore."  She takes a step back, suddenly uncomfortable that he is
standing so close.

She is afraid she will reach out for him.  That she will make an ass
of herself.  That if she touches him, she'll never, ever let go.

"Would you like to have dinner tonight?"  His voice is gentle.

She looks at him, studies his face.  The anger seems to have
receded.  He is waiting for her answer.

"Chris?

His eyes are boring into hers, and she can't look at him, can't face
him.  "I'm still in love with you, Jim.  I don't think I can just be
your friend."

"Fine."  He doesn't move.

She looks up at him, perplexed.  "Fine?"

"Fine, you can't just be my friend.  But that's not an answer to my
question.  Dinner?  Tonight?"  He suddenly grins at her and it is
the old look, the old grin that she didn't think he'd ever give her
again.  But it fades quickly.

"Yes.  I'd like that."

"Good."  He touches her hand.  "I'm not sure where we're going with
this.  And I intend to take it slow.  I don't trust you yet.  You
understand that?"

"What makes you think I trust you?"

His mouth tightens.  "Touche."  He stares at her, seems to be
waiting for her to look away.  He is disappointed.

"Reconsidering?" she asks.

"No."  He sighs, as if he's already tired of sparring with
her.  "I'll pick you up at seventeen hundred."

As he turns to walk way, she calls out, "Why?"

He looks back at her.  "Why what?"

"Why are you willing to forgive me?"

"I didn't say I was."

"Well, why are you even thinking about it?"

He looks at her like she is an idiot.  "Because I've missed you.
Despite everything."

She can feel a smile beginning, one of her old smiles from before
everything went to hell.  "Oh."

"That's all you have to say?  Oh?"   He chuckles.  "Work on those
conversation skills before dinner comes around, Commander.  I didn't
fall in love with you because you're monosyllabic."  He turns and
walks away.

She stares at him until he disappears from sight.

-----------------------------

Christine is aware that Janice is staring at her, has been since she
came in from her talk with Jim.  Matthew too has glanced out of his
office more times than is strictly necessary.  She ignores them.

And tries to ignore how fast her heart is racing.

She manages to settle down, works productively until the shift is
over.

"Everything okay?"  Janice is smiling tentatively.  "You weren't out
there very long?"

Christine knows she waited until the end of the day to ask so that
if it was bad, she wouldn't upset Christine during the shift.  Jan's
a good friend.

"He wants to have dinner."

"He wants to have dinner, and you didn't tell me?  When are you
going?"

Christine looks over at the entrance; he's just walked in.  "Right
about now."

"Do not sleep with him."

"Jan.  It's just dinner."  She grins, knows she is not fooling
either of them.  This is far more than just dinner.  It's another
chance.

She hopes.

"Jim."  Matthew walks out of his office, clasps Kirk's hand
warmly.  "So how's the new ship?"

Jim shakes his head.  "She needs some work."  He glances over at
Christine, as if to say they need some work too.

"I repeat.  Do not sleep with him."

Christine just laughs.  "I'll see you tomorrow." She walks over to
the two men.

"Going out?" Matthew asks.  His smile looks genuine, and he pushes
her gently toward Jim.  "Have fun.  Don't keep her out too late."
Then he turns and walks back in his office.

"Shall we?" Jim's look is warier than she likes.

"We don't have to do this.  If you're having second thoughts, I
mean."

"Chris, I've had third, fourth, and fifth thoughts.  Let's go."

She smiles, tries to figure out if fifth thoughts ends the debate in
her favor or not.  Decides it must if he's walking with her into
town.

She suddenly wishes she could change, feels grungy and a bit dowdy
in her uniform.  She decides not to ask him if they can stop at her
apartment just so she can pull on something that actually makes her
feel pretty.

She's not sure she has anything that will cut it anyway.  She's
nervous and excited and afraid that this is all going to blow up in
her face, and she'll lose him again before she ever has him back.

"You don't need to look as though we're going to a funeral," he
murmurs.

"Sorry."  She laughs softly, looks down.  "I'm nervous."

"I thought you got over being nervous around me?"

"That was when we were together.  We're not together."

"No.  We're not."  He glances at her.  "I'm not sure what I want to
do about this, Chris."

She looks away, pretends to be mesmerized by the merchandise in the
shop windows they are passing.  "Gillian causing complications?"

"Gillian?"  He laughs then.  "Gillian Taylor?  No.  She's gone."

Christine nods, but it is a weak gesture.  The other woman may be
gone, but that doesn't mean she won't turn back up.  Or that Jim
couldn't find her if he wanted.  Couldn't have her transferred to
the Enterprise if he wanted.

Her expression must be terribly morose, for he actually takes pity
on her.  "I'm not interested in Gillian, Chris."

"That's not how it looked from the peanut gallery."

"Trust me on this.  Gillian is gone."

"Okay."

"Well, two syllables.  It's an improvement over 'oh,' I guess."  He
grins at her.

She tries to smile back, but knows the expression doesn't quite hit
the mark.  His own look softens, and he reaches over, touches her
commander's bars gently.

"I saw you get these."

"You did?"  She supposes it's possible.  She got the promotion just
after Jim got back, after she took over from Reed.  "You were in the
audience for someone else?"

He shakes his head.  "I came to see you.  I'm proud of you.  Despite
it all..."  His expression shifts, and he doesn't look proud of
her.  He looks disappointed in her.  And still angry.

She wishes she could pull him close and hug him to her and tell him
again how sorry she is and how much she loves him and how she'll do
anything to make it up to him.  But she just keeps walking.  "I
didn't know you were there."

"I know.  I left before the reception."  He sighs.

She nods, feels a sharp pit of misery starting in her stomach.
She's not sure this is a good idea.  Maybe all they're doing is
bringing up old pain?  She stops walking.

He stops too, as if he knew she was going to.  He stares at her, and
she knows the look she is giving him is anything but happy.  She
feels...hopeless.  Lost and more alone standing here with him than
she has for a long time.

She backs up, toward the entryway of the closed shop she stopped in
front of.  She wishes the shop was open.  She would flee inside.
She would run out the back and try to forget how much she loves him
and how much it hurts that he may never let her in again.

He moves closer, trapping her in the entranceway, and takes her
hand.  His skin is warm against hers.  "It's okay, Chris."

She realizes she is shaking, tries to pull her hand away, but he
won't let her.  "Jim..."

"I know."  He pulls her close, wraps his arms around her.  "I know."

She is stiff, but he doesn't let go, just runs his hands up and down
her back the way he used to until she relaxes against him.

She whispers, "I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose you again.
Before you even give me a chance."  She pulls away, and this time he
lets her go--probably because there is nowhere she can run in the
small space.  "If you can't forgive me, then let's just say goodbye
now and cut our losses."

"I don't know if I can forgive you."

"That's crap, Jim.  You either can or you can't.  You just may not
want to."

His eyes widen, and she realizes he's never heard her use her
command voice.  She laughs and he laughs and suddenly the moment is
a little bit lighter.

"Remind me not to piss you off, Commander."  He touches her face,
and she closes her eyes at the feeling.

"Too late for that."  She stares at him.  "I'm not sure I can
forgive you for Antonia."

"I thought you were cheating on me."

"I wasn't."

He nods.  "I know that now.  You weren't very convincing back then.
You didn't even want to make love, Chris.  You didn't want me
anymore."

"That's not true.  I never stopped wanting you."

"Well, you stopped having sex with me.  I'm sorry, but the
distinction is a bit fuzzy, especially when you're the one being
rejected."

"I know.  I'm sorry."  Sorry seems to be all she is saying.  She
wonders if it means anything to him.  Sighing, she eyes the door
again.  Could she break in?

He touches her face, and then his hand keeps moving, under her ear,
tracing her uniform collar, to the back of her neck.  He pulls her
toward him.  "Chris."

And then he is kissing her, and she is lost in the feeling, and
clutching at him, and she is glad that she can lean against the door
of the shop so her legs don't give out on her as he pushes against
her.

She can tell he still wants her.

He pulls away, and his expression is troubled.  "I wasn't going to
do that."

She smiles, her lips trembling slightly.  "No?"

Shaking his head, he looks as though he's a little disappointed in
himself.

"Is it so bad that you did it?"

He nods. But then he reaches out and touches her cheek again.  "If I
touch you, I won't want to stop."

"Who says you have to stop?"  She grins, trying to make the moment a
little less serious, his expression a little less dire.  She takes
his hand.  "I'm hungry."

She is hungry, but she'd rather be kissing him.  But she knows that
what she wants to do and what she should do are two different things
where he's concerned.  "Let's eat, okay?"

He leans in, rests his cheek against hers.  "I've missed you so."
Then he pulls her out of the doorway and back onto the
sidewalk.  "Food then."

"Yes.  Food."   His grip tightens on hers, and she finally begins to
relax.

Maybe, just maybe, they can make this work again.

-----------------------------

Christine sees Jim in the corridor coming out of ops with Matthew.
She nods at him as she and Jan pass him, and he nods back.

"I don't get it," Janice says.  "You said dinner went fine?"

"It did.  Kind of stiff at times when we strayed into painful
ground.  But fine other than that."

"It's been two days."  Janice looks back.  "What the hell is he
doing?"

Christine has been wondering that herself.  Dinner was nice,
especially once they finally relaxed enough to have some fun with
each other.  Jim walked her home, gave her a quick hug, and left.

Actually, fled might be more accurate.  Was he afraid she would
attack him right there on the street like some sex-crazed ex-fiancee?

Not that the thought didn't occur to her.  "He said he was going to
take it slow."

"Yeah, but this is geologic."

Christine laughs.  She's been thinking the same thing.

She knows he's not sure of her.  He can't ever be sure of her
again.  That may be a deal breaker.  Only why wasn't it a deal
breaker for Spock?

"Maybe he just wants you so badly that he knows he won't be able to
control himself.  So he's staying away."

"Right."  Christine says, but she thinks he is testing her.  He
wants to see what she will do if he really does take it slow, like
he said he was going to.  She sighs.  What does he think she will
do?  She'll wait and see what happens.  Nothing else she can do.

Janice pulls up the comms.  "Didn't you raise Peterson's access
level?"

"Last week."

"Well, he's commed three times asking for clearance to the delta-
three-one project."

Christine sighs.  "The man is an idiot.  He can't figure out
anything without a guided map."  She sends a message down to
security.  Morhaven will enjoy dealing with this one.  "He'll get
the special briefing."

Janice laughs.  "You're siccing Russ on him?"

"Yep."  She grins.  "We have enough to do without stupid-ass
captains who can't find their butt without a--what?"

Janice's eyes have gone wide.

"Is there a problem, Commander?"  Peterson has decided to pay a
visit.

She turns.  "Yes, Captain, there is.  You keep asking for accesses
that we sent you a week ago.  I believe Admiral Cartwright wanted
you to read in on the project before you reported."

"I'd love to have read in, but I never got my accesses."  He gives
her the snotty look that is just one of the things that got him
booted off the Louisville.  Everyone in ops knows he's planet-bound
because Command can't figure out what to do with him.  "Perhaps you
could just download the project data into a padd for me."

"Sorry, sir.  This information isn't portable.  Why don't you look
again to see if the accesses are there?"  She tries for a slightly
conciliatory tone.  He does outrank her.  Even if it's a crime that
he outranks anyone.

"I don't need to.  Not when it's your screw-up."

She points to a terminal.  "Why don't you log in?  We'll look for it
together." Her tone is no longer very nice.

His expression changes.   "I don't have time now.  I'll do it later."

"No, you're absolutely right.  This is urgent.  Let's look now.  If
I've screwed up, I'll fall all over myself apologizing." She gives
him a hard smile.  She knows he is hedging.

He looks down.  "I seem to have misplaced my password."

God.  What else has the man missed in the comms?  And why were they
giving him access to anything the least bit sensitive?

She forces her face to stay neutral.  "Commander Morhaven stands
ready to assist."

Peterson actually goes pale.  He may outrank the security head, but
no one is meaner than Russ when he's dealing with incompetence and
shoddy security practices.  "Is that really necessary?"

She shrugs.  "I've done my bit.  If you can't get in, he'll have to
get you a new password.  I'm not authorized to do that."  It's a
lie.  She can hand out passwords to anyone and everyone if she needs
to.  But she saves that for emergencies.  She doesn't like to deal
with Russ's lectures about access control either.

"I don't like you, Commander," Peterson says, not noticing Matthew
coming back into ops, not hearing him walk up behind him.

"Duly noted, Peterson," Matthew says in his quiet voice--the
dangerous one.

Peterson turns even paler than before as he turns to the
admiral.  "Sir.  I only meant--"

"Oh, your words were self-explanatory, Captain."  The derision
Cartwright puts on the title is impressive.

Christine smiles at him.  "Captain Peterson was just on his way down
to see Russ."

"Lucky him."  Matthew is speaking as if Peterson is already gone.
When he sees the other man still standing there, he gives him one of
the famous Cartwright glares.  "Don't let us stop you."

They watch as Peterson walks out, his feet nearly dragging as he
heads for the security office.

"Damned fool.  I told Command they should give him to the Klingons.
He'd bring the Empire down in a heartbeat."

She laughs.  "I thought you were giving them Styles."

"The list is expanding."  He grins at her.  "Did you piss him off on
purpose?"

"I might have."

He shakes his head.  "One of these days, Christine..."

She gives him her best "I learned it from James T. Kirk" grin.

He laughs.  "Don't try to Kirk me, woman.  I know you too well.  And
him too."

She wishes Matthew could tell her what is going on between Jim and
her then, if he knows the two of them so damn well.  But it seems
unfair to ask him given the feelings he may still have for her.

He gestures vaguely to the front screen.  "See if you can't find
Peterson a nice planet close to the border.  Where have the Klingons
been active lately?"

As if he doesn't know that by heart?

"I'll get right on that, sir."  She laughs.  Knows he is kidding
about Peterson.  Mostly.

She waits until he goes into her office and then hurries to her
station to double check that she did send Peterson the accesses.
The memo is there, just like she knew it would be.

Sighing, she gets back to something that actually resembles an
emergency.

End part 2 of 5




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