Received: from [66.218.66.27] by n16.grp.scd.yahoo.com with NNFMP; 16 Jul 2004 15:26:11 -0000 X-Sender: asc-l@ix.netcom.com X-Apparently-To: ascem-s@yahoogroups.com Received: (qmail 74494 invoked from network); 16 Jul 2004 15:26:10 -0000 Received: from unknown (66.218.66.216) by m21.grp.scd.yahoo.com with QMQP; 16 Jul 2004 15:26:10 -0000 Received: from unknown (HELO smtp6.mindspring.com) (207.69.200.110) by mta1.grp.scd.yahoo.com with SMTP; 16 Jul 2004 15:26:10 -0000 Received: from h-66-167-56-30.phlapafg.dynamic.covad.net ([66.167.56.30] helo=katiedell.ix.netcom.com) by smtp6.mindspring.com with esmtp (Exim 3.33 #1) id 1BlUb8-0002Ax-00 for ascem-s@yahoogroups.com; Fri, 16 Jul 2004 11:26:07 -0400 Message-Id: <6.0.3.0.2.20040716110439.03cf6230@popd.ix.netcom.com> X-Sender: asc-l@popd.ix.netcom.com X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Version 6.0.3.0 To: ascem-s@yahoogroups.com X-eGroups-Remote-IP: 207.69.200.110 From: ASC Archive Team MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEM-S@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEM-S-owner@yahoogroups.com Delivered-To: mailing list ASCEM-S@yahoogroups.com Precedence: bulk List-Unsubscribe: Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 11:04:51 -0400 Subject: [ASCEM-S] NEW: TOS Commander [R] 4/5 K/Ch, ChFF Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-ELNK-AV: 0 TITLE: Commander AUTHOR: Djinn CONTACT: djinn@djinnslair.com http://www.djinnslair.com SERIES: TOS RATING: R CODES: K/Ch, Chapel Fic Fest PART: 4/5 DISCLAIMERS: Paramount and Viacom own these characters--I'm just warping canon. SUMMARY: Sequel to "Scientist." The continuing look at Chapel through Spock looks up from his dinner, seems to have an expression of extreme satisfaction at the sight of them sitting across from him. "You're insufferably smug, Spock," Jim says as he pours her more wine. "I am merely relieved that the two of you have settled your differences." She looks down, trying to hide her smile. They've been settling their differences nonstop for days now. She's not sure her body will ever recover. Jim is grinning too. "That's one way to put it." "I was attempting to be polite." Spock almost smiles at them, then goes back to his meal. She feels Jim's hand on hers, squeezes it. "So where is Len?" she asks. "In Georgia. He said he felt the need to reconnect with Joanna after his near-crazy experience." Jim grins at Spock. "Your katra must have been a lot to bear. He's only human, after all." "And yet he returned my katra to me unharmed despite that. Fascinating." Spock lets an eyebrow rise. She laughs. He is so much more at ease than when she saw him after the whale probe. And Jim has told her that if she thought he was stiff then, she should have seen him right after the fal-tor-pan. She cannot imagine how hard it was on Jim. She knows how hard it was on her, having to watch it from a distance. She sighs, and Jim glances over at her. He smiles sadly, seems to know what she is thinking. "Bygones," he says softly. She wonders if it is that easy, is not sure she can ever forgive herself for losing him. Although he seems to be over his anger since he worked it out in sex that first night back together. For one moment, she was afraid of him that night. But she should have known better, should have known that he would never hurt her. He'd never be able to live with himself if he did. It's what makes him better than her. Better than just about anyone she knows. He's a hero, and heroes do the right thing. Heroes forgive. She's not sure she can be a hero. David's death looms large, and she hates herself for that, hates the Klingons for it, and hates David too. She's not ready to forgive anyone yet. She forces herself to leave such dark thoughts alone. David is dead. Nothing will change that. She is wasting the moment that she has now, wasting her time with Jim. Which is stupid because he'll be gone soon enough, winging back out into space in his new ship. "Repairs are moving along," Jim notes. Spock nods. "The warp engines have been completely overhauled. And the shield enhancements are complete." "Good." Jim smiles. She can tell part of him is already gone. Already flying through space in the arms of his other woman. She is jealous. A little. But she knows better than to dwell on it. This is Jim and he belongs among the stars. He's been miserable on Earth the times he had to stay there for any length of time. Would have been even if they'd stayed together. His destiny lies in space. She forces herself to smile. She will not be like Carol about this. He has his job, she has hers. They aren't going to be together all the time. But that doesn't mean they aren't a couple. That doesn't mean he's not hers. "I wish you were coming," Jim says softly. At times, she does too. They were so happy when they were together on the ship. But she has grown away from that person, or maybe grown too ambitious. Or perhaps she's just become an adrenaline junkie, used to running twenty-four hours a day, day after day-- emergencies as drug. She smiles. "Who'll handle all the crises you cause if I'm not here?" "I'm sure they'd find someone else. And what do you mean that I'll cause?" She laughs. Turns to Spock. "Are you looking forward to being a first officer again?" "I have missed serving with Jim." She does not doubt that is true. Jim smiles, clearly touched that Spock chose to answer the question that way. She thinks Jim has no idea how much Spock loves him. Even after all these years. Even though she has always known. She looks over at Spock, meets his calm, even affectionate gaze, and knows that he is aware she knows. Neither of them seems to mind that he is probably in love with her lover. It seems....natural, somehow. Just the way things are. And Spock's love is so quiet, so non-intrusive in its constancy. She finds it difficult to feel threatened. Besides. He appears to love her too. Her good friend Spock--who would ever have believed it? ------------------------ Christine looks around ops, trying to figure out if she has forgotten to do anything. She has a day of leave coming up, one last day to spend with Jim before he beams up to his new Enterprise and disappears for a while. "You okay?" Janice asks, glancing up from her console. Christine nods. "But I think I'm missing him already." She shakes her head. "Is it possible to love someone too much?" "Only if they don't love you back just as much." Jan smiles, and Christine realizes that any angst her friend had over Jim is gone. "And that is clearly not the case here. The man is crazy for you." "Yeah?" "Yeah." Janice smiles and goes back to the comms. Christine looks at the messages already queuing up in her system, and checks to see if any are important. One draws her attention. A personnel notice. Ops is getting a cadet on her last summer interim tour. She scans down, sees it is Valeris and smiles. Ops is no place for a youngster--unless you happen to be Vulcan and riding head and shoulders above your classmates. The evaluations that accompany the assignment notice are glowing. Valeris will report in a few weeks. Time enough to deal with it later. Christine closes the message, scans a few others and is replying to one when she hears Jim's voice at the entry way. She gestures for him to come over. He looks at Janice, gives her a huge grin. Janice stands up. "I guess this is goodbye, Jim." Christine smiles. She cannot remember Janice ever calling Jim by his first name. He looks a little surprised, but recovers nicely, his grin growing larger. "I guess this is, Jan." He gives her a quick hug. "Have I told you how proud I am of you?" "Not recently, no." She grins, then looks over at Christine. "Go. Sign off and get out of here. Or I'll take off with him myself." Her smile is easy; the joke is a real one. Christine signs off. "I'll see you." Janice nods. Christine glances over at Matthew's office. It is dark. He's actually taken an afternoon off. "We'll be fine. Now get out of here." Jim takes her arm, urging her toward the door. "Come on, Chris. Let's go." As they head for the main exit, he says softly, "Jan's come a long way." "Yes. She has." She suspects that neither of them means in her career. "I've always wondered if she left the ship because of us," he says softly. She has never shared that with him, decided to let Jan's pain stay Jan's. "If she did, she's over it now." He nods. "You know Sulu's going to get the Excelsior." He's probably just guessing. Unless Morrow told him that. She, on the other hand, has it from the best hallway rumor network that Sulu will indeed get the Excelsior when Command finally manages to pry Style's hands off her. She wonders where Jim is going with this, looks over at him quizzically. "A man needs people he can trust on his ship. Hikaru should think about Jan." She smiles. It's her opinion that Sulu thinks about Jan a whole lot more than anyone guesses. He sure seems to make it a habit to hang around ops when Janice is on shift. He doesn't come in when it's just Christine and company. But she keeps that nugget to herself. "You going to suggest it to him?" He nods. "I think I will." He turns to her. "It's our second to last day. What do you want to do?" She smiles, wondered if he would ask her or if he would make plans for them on his own. "It's sort of silly." "Tell me." "I'd like to go to Idaho and ride." He grins. "Okay." They head for her place. He's moved the things he doesn't need on the ship out of his apartment and into her closets. She knows that when he's gone, she'll be glad they are there. A reminder that he's with her again, even if a whole quadrant separates them. They change clothes quickly, head for the nearest transporter station, and Jim uses his charm to get the tech to beam them directly to the ranch rather than just the nearest station. Harry is sitting on the porch when they walk down the drive, his hat covering his eyes. He pushes it up, grins when he sees them. "Well, if you two aren't a sight for sore eyes." She smiles. "Hey, Harry." "Christine." He looks at Jim. "Seems you came to your senses, boy?" Jim just laughs. "You gonna take that from him, sweetheart?" Harry asks. She nods. "He's shipping out tomorrow. I'm indulging him." "Well, don't indulge him too much. You'll spoil him." He pushes his hat back even more. "You two come to ride?" She nods. Harry starts to get up but Jim says, "It's okay. We can manage." "You want some food to take out with you?" He winks at Christine. "Or do you two just want some alone time?" She can feel herself blushing. He nods knowingly. "At least grab some canteens from the cooler." He pushes his hat back over his eyes. "Caya could do with a good run, Christine." "I sort of gave Caya to Chris," Jim says. "Mighty generous with my horse, Nephew." Harry doesn't sound as annoyed as he's pretending to be. "I didn't think you'd mind, seeing as how you're such a fan of my girl." She smiles at the term. So silly. So sweet. Harry peeks up through the hat at them. "She oughtta be your wife by now, Jim. When you going to make an honest woman of her?" Jim's smile fades somewhat, and she hurries to say, "How about you let us feel our way through this, Harry?" "Suit yourself, Christine." He waves them away. "Just an old man making a simple suggestion." "Ignore him," she tells Jim, as they walk to the corral. He nods tightly. Maybe he's not as over his anger as she thought. She sees Caya at the far end of the corral. "Here, girl." To her surprise, the mare trots over and nudges her. "Maybe she knows she's mine now?" "Maybe she recognizes another crazy woman when she sees her." Jim is smiling again. She grins in relief. "Maybe so." They get saddled up quickly, and she grabs a couple canteens of water, handing him one before looping the other over her shoulder and mounting. Jim is back on his dark bay, leading the way at an easy trot, then a canter, then they are galloping. She realizes they are headed away from the ravine and smiles. Their progress turns into a race, and she urges Caya on. The mare pulls up with his more elegant horse, then she turns her head and nips at the bay before pulling ahead. "You really are a bitch," Christine whispers to her horse as Jim pulls alongside then passes her. Caya takes off after him, and they race for a stand of trees. She catches Jim's horse, and they ride abreast, neither gaining ground until Jim finally pulls up as they enter the shade. She eases Caya back too. They walk through the patterned shadows, and Caya tries to bite Jim's horse again. "She is a menace," he says, moving his horse closer so he can take Christine's hand. Caya goes for another nip, but Christine yanks her head back. "Thank you." Jim pats his horse's neck. "From both me and Kaiser." They walk until the horses have quit blowing, then Jim leads them over to a spot on the edge of the grove. It is warmer here, but still in the shade. Dismounting, he ties his horse to one of the trees. She jumps off and ties Caya out of reach of Kaiser. "What now?" He pulls a blanket out of his saddlebag, winks at her. "I thought we might want to lie down?" She laughs. "You did?" He spreads the blanket half in and half out of the sunshine. Then he sits down and holds his hand out to her. "Come here." She walks to him, sinks down onto the blanket, into his arms. He kisses her and she closes her eyes and tries to memorize every feeling. It will have to last her for a while. He pulls away, stares at her. His look is troubled. "What?" She wonders if he is thinking about Antonia? Was it stupid to come here? "It's not that I don't want to marry you." She waits for the rest of the sentence but he doesn't finish it. "Okay." He smiles. "No, I mean, it's not that I'm ruling that out. I'm just not ready yet." "Okay." He laughs but his look is more uneasy than amused. "Still mad at me?" she asks softly. "No, I don't think so." He strokes her face. "In fact, I know I'm not mad. And I do love you." He sighs. "I'm just not sure I trust you completely yet." "You may never trust me, Jim. Have you considered that?" "I have. I have to figure out if I can live with that." She swallows, is suddenly cold. Pulling away from him, she gets up, walks into the sunlight. It doesn't help with the cold. "Chris." She doesn't turn around, just stares out at the dusty horizon. She can hear him getting up, coming toward her. "I do love you," he says. "Uh huh." Her tone is sharp, almost mocking. He turns her, quickly, almost roughly. "Don't." "Well, what do you want me to say? How many more ways can I say I'm sorry?" She starts to move away, but he grabs her arm. "I don't want you to say anything. It's just going to take time." "You can forgive, but you can't forget, is that it?" He shrugs, drops her arm. "Maybe you wish your sweet little Antonia was here?" "Well, she wouldn't be goading me." He yanks her to him. "And she wouldn't be making me want to do this." He kisses her hard, passionately, pushing her back toward the blankets. She is pulling off his clothes even as he does it. She is angry, now it is her turn to be filled with rage, to make him pay for the guilt that never leaves her. "I may do it again, you know. Maybe you don't trust me because you can't." "Maybe." His lips are bruising hers, he yanks her shirt over her head, lets it fall in the tall grass. She is crying, but her anger won't let her shut up. "So when do you say you're sorry, Jim? When do you apologize for screwing her before our relationship was even cold?" She tries to pull away from him but he won't let her. "You cheated on me." She is hitting him now, her fists ineffectual because she doesn't want to hurt him, even if she does want to make him pay. She pulls away, drops her hands. "You cheated, Jim. Was this a favorite place? Did you have her here too?" "No." He pulls her back to him, kisses her. "I'm sorry for what I did to you. I'm sorry I cheated. It was wrong, but I was hurt. I can't excuse it. But I thought you were seeing someone else. And I was mad." "And she was here." "And she was here." He kisses her gently. "She and I never made love in this spot. You know me better than that." "You're sure?" "I'm sure." He kisses her again, then lays his lips on her ear, whispers, "I'm so sorry. Forgive me." She nods. "No. Say it." "I forgive you." "I love you, Chris. We may kill each other before this is over, but god help me I'll die loving you." "I know. Stop talking now, okay?" He smiles and kisses her again. She pushes him down, mounting him and riding him as if he were Caya and they were still in that race. He pulls her down to kiss him, his lips moving off her lips and along her cheeks. She realizes she is crying again, that he is kissing away her tears. "Chris," he says, and she slows. He holds her as they move carefully now, gently. His lips are tender on hers, and he rolls her over, moves above her, controlling the pace. She sobs, looks away, but he forces her to look at him. "I love you." He kisses her and it is a kiss so filled with love that she sobs again. "I do love you." "I know." She shakes her head. "What if we can't trust each other?" "What if we don't try to figure it out today? What if we let time answer that for us?" She doesn't say anything, but then Caya whinnies softly. "See, she agrees with me?" He smiles, moves faster. Moaning, she closes her eyes. "Okay." "Okay?" She nods. He reaches down, his fingers touching her in ways he knows will make her crazy. "Okay?" She laughs. Nods again. Then she can't do anything but feel for a few moments. Neither can he. They finally pull away enough to get comfortable on the blanket, limbs wrapping tightly around each other. She is no longer cold. "I wish..." He opens his eyes, waits. "I wish I could go back and do it over again." "I know." She sighs. "I love you so much it hurts." He kisses her. "I know that too. Right here." He touches her abdomen, under her ribs, then lower. "Yep. That's the spot." "For me too. Don't think you're alone in this, Chris." He sighs. "I'm going to miss you. I wasn't kidding when I said I wished you were coming with us." She nods, burrows her head against his chest, unwilling to face the waning sunshine. She forces tears away. She can handle this. "What do you want to do tomorrow?" he asks softly. "Be with you." He kisses her cheek. "That's a given, Chris." She turns so that his next kiss lands on her lips. They kiss for a very long time. "What do you want to do?" she asks. He touches her face. "Be with you." He traces her eyebrows, then the curve of her cheek. "Let's sleep late." She nods. "And let's finish our ride now." He pushes her away gently. They pull on their clothes, but she can't find her shirt. He grins, walks through the grass to where he dropped it and brings it back to her, pulling it over her head. "Now how did that get over there?" She shrugs. "It couldn't be that you got me all riled up? You'd never do that." She grins. "Never." "Right." He kisses her again, then they mount up and ride out into the sunshine, enjoying a lazy pace and holding hands. On the way back to the ranch, they race. It's a dead heat. ----------------------. Their apartment is an oasis of calm, and they lie in bed, curled around each other. Christine sighs, wishes she could bottle how it feels to be next to him so she can pull it out once he is gone and re-experience the love. "You okay?" He kisses her cheek, pulls her closer. "Just thinking sad thoughts." She smiles as he kisses her again. "I'll miss you." "I know." Running his hand down her arm, he sighs. "I wish we had more time." "Me too." She turns so she can see his face. "But I'm glad we had this." "I am too." He kisses her again, this time on the lips. His touch is soft and full of the old exquisite tenderness. They don't completely trust each other. They aren't completely over their anger at each other. But they love each other--at the subatomic level, it seems. She knows that neither of them is in any doubt of that anymore. They belong together, however they happen to define togetherness. She closes her eyes, gives herself up to his lips and hands and the way his body presses against her. "You feel so good," he murmurs. She laughs softly. "There's more of me to feel." Opening her eyes, she sees that he is grinning. "I'm not going to call the kettle black for that one." His grin grows. "Just more of you to love." "Ditto." He runs his hands down her chest. "And I must say, if you've put on any weight, you've done it in a very nice way. And in some very nice places." He kisses his way down to where his hands already are. She closes her eyes again. His mouth makes her crazy. He seems to understand her body better than she does, knows exactly the right pressure, how hard to suck, where to stroke to make her crazy. She arches as his mouth pushes her harder, as the movement of his fingers becomes more deliberate. She closes her eyes and just rides out the pleasure he gives her. Loudly. She hopes the neighbors aren't home. There has been intermittent loudness coming from the bedroom all day. She opens her eyes, sees that he is watching her. "I love you," he says. "I don't always understand the way I'm drawn to you." "I know. I don't understand it either. The whole time you were gone, I felt empty. As if some vital part of me was missing." He nods. "I know. And having Antonia didn't make that better. She filled her own space, but it wasn't the same." Frowning slightly, he says, "You own me at some fundamental level." "Maybe it's like Plato said. Maybe we are all looking for that part of us that was split apart?" He smiles, an amused grin and she guesses that Antonia didn't discuss Plato in bed. Or probably at all. At least it makes her feel better to think the other woman didn't. "Soulmates?" He kisses her, pulls her onto him. As she sinks around him and moves slowly and very deliberately, he sighs, a slow smile turning up his lips. "When we make love, I believe it. The connection..." She leans down so she can kiss him. "It's overwhelming?" He nods. "For me too. It scares me sometimes, Jim." "Why?" "Because I lost you once and I know how hard it was to get through that. What if I lose you again?" "Well, you'll just have to do your best not to let that happen." He grins, but his eyes are not laughing. They both know anything can happen in space. They both know they aren't even that safe on the ground if left to their own devices. There is no place that is not dangerous for them. "Do you think love goes on?" she asks. "After death you mean?" "Yeah." "I hope so." He smiles, a teasing look. "Just don't rush to test that out, Chris." "I won't." Moving faster, she watches as he tenses, then calls out, his body pushing up over and over as if seeking some even deeper connection. She smiles as she watches him come down, feels him relaxing inside her. "But I'm fairly certain that I'll love you until death and beyond." He sighs. "Love me in life. I don't want to think about death." They've both seen so much of that lately. She kisses him as she slips off him, cuddling around him. He pulls her closer. There is no such thing as too close for them right now. She thanks whatever god is in charge of reconciliations for that closeness. It is not something she thought she would ever have back. They lie in silence for a long time, the only noise the sounds from the street below them. "We've never talked about him." Jim's voice is a bit shaky. "We never mention David." She tries not to tense. He rubs her arm, as if reading her apprehension, wanting to ease it. "I don't mean fight about him. I mean 'talk' about him." She moves her head back a bit on his shoulder so she can see his eyes, read his mood. He looks unbearably sad. "If you want to talk about him, we can." She strokes his face. She'd do anything to make his terrible sadness go away. "I got to know him a little." His smile is tentative. "You knew him much better, I think." She nods, waits for him to go on. "He seemed so bright. He was, wasn't he?" She smiles. This is an easy one. "Oh, yes. I've never met anyone as bright. Never seen a mind that could turn so quickly, find answers so easily in the most unusual places. He was brilliant, Jim. Truly brilliant. And incredibly creative." "Did he ever wonder about me? I mean about who his father was?" "If he did, he never talked about it to me." She wishes she could give him a happier answer. And she could, if she lied. But she doesn't want to do that anymore. He looks disappointed, but not surprised. "I think Carol was enough for him." "I think she was." She snuggles closer. "I wonder what her life is like now? David was her world. And Genesis. Now she has nothing." He just nods. "Jan saw you with her coming off the ship. She said you two seemed...together. Were you?" "I thought maybe." He smiles sadly at her. "It was like a dream--a bad dream because of Spock's death. But I had a family suddenly. Carol and David. In my life. It was wonderful." "But?" "But it didn't last. David went to the Grissom, and Carol and I stayed here, and without him for us to bond over there was nothing left between us. It was over before it even began." Christine wonders if that is true, but decides she doesn't want to know if he slept with Carol or not. "You know she set us up, right? She arranged for you to take that tour when she and David were gone and I was there." He nods. "I figured that out." He sighs. "She's was always obsessed with her way--and her work. You were important to that. I can see her doing just about anything to keep you in her world not mine." "No, I think she wanted me in David's world." He shoots her a strange look. "I don't mean like that. I mean for the sake of the project, and because he and I just sparked when it came to work." His eyes are shuttered when he asks, "Did you spark in other ways too, Chris? I remember how intense you two were in that coffee shop. Even looking back, it looked like more." "We were arguing over protomatter. I was about to leave the project, and he talked me out of it." She smiles at the look of relief that comes over his face. "He didn't want me that way. I wasn't his type." "Too brainy?" He grins. "Too much competition?" She laughs gently. "Too feminine, I think." "Oh." He shoots her an incredulous glance. "Why didn't you just tell me that back then?" "Would you have believed me? Or would it have just been another excuse? You didn't even know it was David at first. Would you have believed it of some random rival?" "Maybe not." He sighs. "What a mess we made of this." He kisses her hair. "Did you love him?" She nods. "He made me feel alive. He was like something out of myth." She smiles. "Which is fitting because look at his father." She doesn't say that while Jim is Jovian in stature, David was more like Mercury--the eternal trickster. "Myth." He shakes his head. "It's no myth that he died before I could really get to know him." "Did you love him, Jim?" He starts to answer, then stops. The look he turns on her is full of pain. "I don't know." His voice is hoarse with the truth he gives her. "You would have loved him. If you'd just had more time." She is not so sure of that. But it seems the best thing to say. For all of them. End part 4 of 5 Messages from this list are mirrored on the ASCEM newsgroup. Read http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML/files/faq.txt for more information about your subscription to ASCEM/L. Yahoo! Groups Links