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Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 22:00:15 -0400
Subject: [ASCEM-S] NEW ENT: Chasing Monsters A/R, [G] 1/1
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Title: Chasing Monsters
Author: Qzeebrella
Fandom: Star Trek Enterprise
Disclaimer: the show and its characters belong to Paramount, the
story below is mine. No profit is being made.
Archive: Entstslash, Reed's Armoury, Archer's Enterprise, ASCEML
Feedback: to qzeebrella@yahoo.com or on list
Summary: Jon writes to his mother about Malcolm
realized I forgot to post it to lists for archiving. So here it is.

**

Mom,

I find myself thinking a lot about you lately, wondering what you
would think of the man your son had become. Though its true I had
thought more of dad the first two years on Enterprise, cherishing
each new wonder, dedicating it to his memory, and keeping in mind
just how much it had cost Earth to get me and my crew to the stars.
Since we were charged with stopping the Xindi from destroying Earth
I've been thinking of you more and more. I guess that when faced with
the greatest difficulty of my life, with this greatest burden, I
turned to thoughts of you as you were the source of greatest comfort
to me when I was a child. I turned to thoughts of you and your
unconditional love.

 From my earliest memories, any time I most needed comfort and love
you were there. Running your fingers through my hair, giving me a hug
and kiss, and letting me know I was safe and loved. You chased the
monsters away and I find myself desperately wishing you could chase
away the monsters haunting me now.

Not the Xindi, with all their species and factions. But the every day
monsters. Like fear, not of my duty, but of myself. I came so close,
so very close, to murdering someone in an airlock just to get one
miniscule step closer to my goal. You know mom, if it weren't for
Malcolm's steadying presence then, I think I would have killed that
man and became something I fear. I would have seen murder as a
legitimate tool to get closer to finding the Xindi weapon.

There are other monsters chasing me besides fear of what I'm capable
of in finding the Xindi weapon, such as obsession. For weeks I looked
over and over and over the information we had gathered in the hopes
of finding the one clue I needed. Taking very little time to sleep or
eat, even less time for Porthos and myself. If Malcolm hadn't kicked
me in the rear, figuratively, over it I would have snapped from the
stress. I likely would have become like Ahab and been of no practical
use in my mission.

Then there's the ever-present monsters of worry and what if, who
prowl about my mind hand in hand. Worry always there, reminding me
constantly that the Xindi are building the weapon, getting closer
every minute to launching it. Then what if wrapping itself through my
mind over and around the worry. What if the Xindi launch it before we
know where it is? What if we can't catch up to it? What if we can't
destroy it even though we find it? For a while, I thought my mind,
heart, and soul would be consumed by worry and what if. Then I caught
sight of Malcolm walking down a corridor, confident and determined
and for a short time worry and what if were chased away.

Now any time they try to consume me I picture Malcolm with my mind. I
remember the light in his eyes when I rescued him from the Novans.
His trusting smile after I got him off the hull, or the way he looked
at me with so much trust when we faced a hangman's noose. The way I'm
compelled to touch him, and that smirk he gets when playing with
weapons or feeling mischievous.

Whenever I've taken a misstep, he's been there to steady me. He does
whatever is necessary to keep me going and keep the mission focused
in my mind and yet not an obsession. Whenever I've feared that what
I'm doing will make it impossible for me to look in the mirror and
respect the man I see-- he's been there to encourage me. I trust him
more than I've trusted any one other than you mom.

He chases away the fear I'll become something I hate and showed me
how to find a way to trust myself. He helps me keep determined to do
my duty without drifting into dangerous waters. He helps me keep
worry and what if at bay with just his smile or the memory of his
smile.

Recently I was faced by a difficult choice. The ship was "dead in the
water" and Trip unable to repair all the damage. We had only a few
short days to get to a meeting point where we might gain an ally and
would gain more information about the Xindi weapon. However, with the
warp core down for the count we would not make the meeting. There was
a ship nearby with a working warp core though, I had tried to barter
for it, but when the other captain refused to trade I had to take it.
To miss the meeting would risk too much. To have even a chance of
success in our mission we had to make the meeting and for that we
needed the warp core.

I led the team to take it, wanting the responsibility for it to be
mine. Trip had to come with me to remove it from the other ship.
Ideally I would have taken my Armory Officer with me, but I had
noticed that my First Officer wasn't… well she was acting in such a
way that I worried about leaving the ship solely in her command. So I
left my Armory Officer behind to keep an eye on her and take over if
he thought it was needed. For I knew I could trust him to do what was
best for the ship and crew. I knew I could rely on him. For I loved
him, my Armory Officer, my Malcolm.

You'd like him mom, he has an inner strength that gently glows all
about him. He also has a carefully hidden emotional vulnerability
that draws me to him. He has an ironic, wry, and wicked sense of
humor that keeps me on my toes. He has a keen mind to go with his
wit, his inventiveness and cunning, and depth of knowledge astounding
me. Reflected not only in his work, but his wide range of choice in
reading, his love of history, philosophy, and so many other things.

He is also the type of person you once told me would be perfect for
me as a lifelong mate. You know the type I'd tell you was the most
stubborn, pigheaded man possessed by an insane single mindedness. The
same type you'd say "is a perfectly reasonable fellow." I'd say he
was at least twice as stubborn as I was and you'd say he "only is
doing what needs to be done and is only half as idiotically stubborn
as you."

And we'd both be right.

So I know you'll love him when you meet him and get to know him mom.
I do, with all my heart. I count myself lucky to have his love, his
support, and his occasionally "knocking sense into that thick skull
of yours" when I need it.

I love him, he loves me and any time I see him smile, those eyes full
of welcome, I know I'm safe, that he'll keep me steady, and that with
him I'm always home.

He chases the monsters away from me and I do the same for him. And
now I'll go lie in his arms, surrounded by his love, and know just
how lucky I am to have him.

Take care of yourself mom,
Hope to hear from you soon
Jon






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