Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!prodigy.com!news.glorb.com!hermod.ttsg.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "Nick" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: NEW TNG: "Hard Won: Reflections" 1/3 (P/Q) [R] Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 395 Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:55:03 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1100274903 209.198.142.218 (Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:03 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:03 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:85550 X-Received-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 07:55:26 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Title: Hard Won: Reflections Author: nick Contact: plan9channel7@witty.com Series: TNG Rating: R Part: 1/3 Codes: P/Q Archives: anywhere, as long as my name stays attached. Also at my website: http://www.geocities.com/pompadour_slim/pq.html Summary: Beverly Crusher has a disturbing dream and Jean-Luc tries Warnings: Angst, hurt sans comfort Notes: The fifth in the Hard Won series. Probably won't make tons of sense without the others to back it up, but, hey, who am I to discourage the ambitious? Beverly Crusher tossed agitatedly in her bed, kicking away covers=20 she was unaware of with feet her unconscious mind didn't register as=20 being attached to her. She wasn't really in bed; she was somewhere=20 else, somewhere dark and quiet. But it wasn't completely dark or=20 completely silent; there were blue running lights, and the muted hum=20 of a ship's engines. Was she in her quarters after all? No, the room=20 was smaller, and it smelled of something musky and fragrant that was=20 at the same time generic and strikingly specific. A bed -- so there=20 was a bed after all -- loomed at the edge of her vision and seemed=20 selfish in its desire to be the center of her attention. Stretched=20 languidly across it was the form of a man, but no... not just a man.=20 Jack, her Jack, was naked, looking young and unselfconscious, where=20 he lay in the middle of the bed. Awash in the warmth and excitement=20 of a love that had not died with its object, Beverly looked down at=20 herself, hoping to see that she was as bare as he. To her confusion=20 and disappointment, though, she found that she was even barer, to=20 the point of being without any body at all. She tried to bring her=20 hands up to look at them, but there were no hands to respond to her=20 desire. There was only this room, this bed, this man.=20 As she watched, her vision zoomed in so that not the bed, but Jack=20 himself was the focal point of her attention. He was large in her=20 sight, so close that she could no longer see the rest of the room=20 around him. Laughing soundlessly, he bent his knees, spreading them=20 to make room for new knees, which settled between them on the bed.=20 Beverly tried to identify the person they were attached to, but it=20 was as though she were watching an old holo-vid without audio or=20 panning controls. She couldn't look away as the thighs attached to=20 the new knees flexed and shift apart, a large, strong-looking hand=20 coming down to caress Jack's flat stomach. Even beyond the fact that=20 it hurt her to see her dead husband with someone else, something was=20 strangely wrong about those muscular thighs; they were thick,=20 sprinkled with dark hair and decidedly masculine. What was Jack=20 doing with an alien woman so different from her, so outside his=20 usual taste? Despite her own misgivings about the situation, though,=20 Jack appreciated the woman above him eagerly, wrapping his legs=20 around her and arching languorously into the bed. He seemed content=20 to lie there and wallow in his pleasure as the large hands caressed=20 his chest and arms, in a way he had never done with Beverly. The bed=20 and the lovers brightened, becoming highly contrasted while=20 everything around them burnt and blackened. She didn't want to see=20 any more, and tried to close her eyes against the way they writhed=20 together before she remembered that she had no eyelids to close.=20 Helplessly, she watched as muscular biceps came into view above Jack=20 and a head descended over his chest as he moaned silently. That=20 head -- she would know it anywhere, even with the momentarily=20 confusing crop of light hair across the top.=20 Beverly Crusher shot up in bed with a startled bark.=20 Trembling slightly, eyes wide in the dark of her quarters, she=20 fought down the urge to vomit. It had only been a dream. It had been=20 grotesque, shocking and deeply painful, but it had only been a=20 dream. Perhaps it had been a manifestation of subconscious guilt=20 associated with how often she had contemplated elevating the status=20 of her relationship with Jean-Luc in the last few months. Yes, that=20 must be it. Some part of her worried that to act on her attraction=20 to Jean-Luc would be to betray Jack, and that part had conjured up a=20 disturbing image of the two of them in bed together to dissuade her.=20 That made sense, but somehow the conclusion didn't slow her pounding=20 heart or dry the sweat on her skin. It had seemed so *real*. Almost=20 without exception, her sexual dreams were full of symbolism and=20 largely lacking in overt, physical acts, but this one had been=20 entirely the opposite. She had been forced to watch as a young Jean- Luc put his hands on Jack's body and pressed against him, doing God=20 knew what behind the screen of their raised thighs, and she had been=20 able to, she now realized, *smell* them both. The entire dream had=20 been one bizarre, appalling physical act, the mental image of which=20 she wasn't sure she would ever be able to forget. But that was all=20 it had been, all it could have been. A dream. Just a dream. With a=20 deep, unsteady exhalation, Beverly lay back down and closed her=20 eyes. She had to fight her way through six silent recitations of the=20 protagonist's second monologue in the last play she had directed=20 aboard the Enterprise before she finally fell asleep again.=20 --- It took Picard three days to decide to make official note of=20 Q's most recent visit and to draft a report which was neither too=20 misleading nor suspiciously vague. That made two reports of=20 supposedly uneventful encounters with a notoriously conniving=20 immortal in roughly two weeks; avoidance was not going to get him=20 much further. Starfleet was going to become apprehensive about his=20 lack of apprehension, and he had no idea how to justify himself.=20 Perhaps if he and Q had been engaged in some sort of long-term=20 relationship he could make a reasonable claim of the entity's=20 harmlessness, but not only were they far from that point, he felt=20 foolish for even entertaining the thought. Q was a semi-omnipotent=20 immortal; Starfleet would be right to worry, and he was=20 irresponsible to let the situation continue. Even as he came to that=20 conclusion, though, the part of him that should have been deciding=20 to firmly reject Q the next time he saw him was conspicuously=20 silent. Somehow, on a wholly emotional level, Jean-Luc knew that Q's=20 proclamations of love had been genuine and he accepted that=20 knowledge without having a clue as to how he might defend his=20 acceptance rhetorically. He couldn't very well tell Starfleet that=20 he and Q were keeping company and would inform Picard's superiors=20 the moment they had a definite classification for their=20 relationship.=20 As he ran a distracted eye over the report he'd already=20 sent, Jean-Luc couldn't help snorting a bit.=20 //"To: Admiral Chou, Andrew From: Captain Picard, Jean-Luc=20 RE: Q=20 Admiral,=20 I am writing to inform you that the status of my relationship with Q=20 has been officially upgraded to 'dating'."//=20 He dropped the padd onto his desk with a gusty sigh that almost=20 drowned out the chirp of his door chime. Passing a hand lightly over=20 his face, Picard sat up straighter in his chair and prepared himself=20 for the possibility that his first officer might come bounding into=20 his quarters to ask him why the hell he hadn't called security the=20 moment Q had appeared in his bedroom.=20 "Yes, come." He exhaled along with the door as it hissed aside to=20 reveal a decidedly un-bounding Counselor Troi. At least if the truth=20 came tumbling out now Will wouldn't be the first to hear it. Jean- Luc had originally decided to put off telling anyone about his=20 relationship with Q -- whatever it was -- until he had a better=20 understanding of his own feelings, but he was increasingly beginning=20 to think that he might not have that luxury. When four days had=20 passed without bringing the entity's return, the man had begun to=20 worry and he had no doubt that it showed. The extra sets of handball=20 on the holodeck and the pensive staring in Ten Forward had probably=20 skimmed beneath the detection of most, but his command staff were=20 intimately attuned to each other's moods and routines; it was=20 difficult for any of them to suffer in silence for very=20 long. "Counselor," the captain said, nodding once. He might be=20 doomed to defeat, but he wasn't going to hand it over.=20 "Captain, the Minerva is stable and we should reach her position in=20 nine hours." Crinkling his dark brows curiously, Picard cocked his=20 head and watched Troi make her way toward his desk. "Will was going=20 to contact you but I told him I would rather deliver the message in=20 person. I was hoping to catch you alone."=20 "And so you have." He gestured toward a chair opposite his and tried=20 to guard his expression. Without taking her eyes from him, the=20 counselor settled into the offered seat and crossed her legs. "It=20 looks as though I've got nine hours to kill. What can I do for you?"=20 Troi cleared her throat and seemed to consider briefly before=20 opening her posture and regarding him with her familiar and much=20 dreaded, 'Now, Jean-Luc, we've known each other for years and I'm a=20 licensed professional...' expression. A subtle frown expressed his=20 disapproval of her approach, but he remained silent. "Captain, I was hoping you would come to see me=85 but that doesn't=20 seem to be your intention, so I've decided it's my duty to initiate=20 the conversation." Troi looked at him patiently and he knew he was=20 expected to collapse under her gentle reprimand and spill his guts.=20 Instead, he raised his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair. "Your duty? Do you think I'm endangering the ship, Counselor?" Oh,=20 dear. That had come out far more defensively than he'd=20 intended. //If the jig isn't up, it's ascending at maximum warp.//=20 Picard tried not to wince as Troi blinked. "Well, no=85 but something has obviously been upsetting you, and=20 frankly, the fact that you haven't dropped a hint to anyone as to=20 what it might be has us all a bit worried." She watched him=20 patiently again, but this time there was a tinge of nervous=20 apprehension in the way her brows twitched together. Sighing=20 resignedly, Jean-Luc folded his hands on the desk and glanced down=20 at them before meeting his counselor's eyes again. "You're right, it wasn't my intention to speak to you or anyone else=20 about it=85 at least not until I was more confident of my own=20 position. Unfortunately, it seems that a man can't play an extra set=20 of handball on this ship without someone raising the red alert." The=20 corner of his mouth tugged upward slightly and Troi relaxed visibly=20 in her chair. She matched his faint smile and nodded understandingly. "One has so little privacy on a starship, and I know this must feel=20 like just one more invasion of yours, but you're my friend as well=20 as being my captain and if something is going on I want to help. You=20 know that I'm not going to judge you." Glancing at his hands again,=20 Picard couldn't help frowning hesitantly. Of course she believed=20 that she could hear anything he might have to say without judging=20 him, but the belief was based on an incomplete picture of him.=20 Certainly neither her honest, upright Captain Picard nor her=20 intellectual, gently reserved friend Jean-Luc could have anything=20 truly damning to hide. //If only one of them were in my place right=20 now,// he thought darkly. "Jean-Luc=85" Troi's soft murmur brought him=20 away from the contemplation of his hands and back into his ready=20 room and their conversation. Her soft face was full of concern and=20 he kicked himself for becoming even slightly emotional in her=20 presence. "=85whatever it is, it can't be that bad." It wasn't too=20 late; he could still put her off. If he sent her away, closed the=20 subject, she would acquiesce. That was his privilege as Captain,=20 after all. There was very little to which his staff would not=20 acquiesce, as long as he maintained his ability to command. Picard=20 couldn't help wondering, though, whether sending her away now=20 wouldn't be an abuse of that privilege. And anyway, if his=20 relationship with Q did progress, it would eventually have to do so=20 openly. Whom would he rather tell first, Deanna Troi or Starfleet=20 Command? Beyond that, when he did attempt to make some reasonable=20 explanation to Starfleet, he was certain that he did not want his=20 command staff to hear it first in that context, to be shocked and=20 hurt and struggling to provide him with the support expected. The=20 man took a deep breath.=20 "I suppose you've read my reports regarding Q's recent appearances."=20 Something flashed in Troi's round eyes but she chased it away with=20 open neutrality.=20 "I think we all have." Running a hand over his scalp, Jean-Luc=20 nodded.=20 "They are not entirely accurate. Or, perhaps I ought to say that=20 they lack a certain fullness of disclosure." Troi blinked again and=20 it struck him as strangely comic. Under normal circumstances, Picard=20 would not have been amused by the discomfort of one of his good=20 friends and exceptional officers, but these were not normal=20 circumstances. He was in a corner; the taste of death was on his=20 tongue. Suddenly everything seemed just slightly hilarious. Clearing=20 his throat, he quickly reigned in both his amusement and his sway=20 toward the dramatic. "In what sense?" Troi asked with the air of someone bravely opening=20 the door of a closet they knew to be stuffed with precariously=20 situated heavy things. Jean-Luc pursed his lips. //Am I really going=20 to tell her? Well, 'in for a penny', 'point of no return', and any=20 other clich=E9s you can think of.// "In the sense that they make no mention of the=85" //incredible=20 sex// "=85 romantic nature of his visitations." Troi's eyes bulged for=20 a second, though she maintained such control over the rest of her=20 expression that Picard couldn't help but silently commend her. As=20 she recovered, the counselor seemed to want to laugh but the=20 soberness of his expression left her at a loss. "Are you saying he made some sort of an advance?" "That is part of what I'm saying."=20 "And the other part?" Jean-Luc might have felt guilty about making=20 her drag it out of him, but Troi was so overwhelmed with shocked=20 curiosity that for the moment she seemed uncharacteristically eager=20 to lead the discussion. "He claims to be in love with me, and I think I believe him." The=20 counselor's swooping brows drew together. She opened her mouth,=20 closed it, and then opened it again. "Q claims to be in love with you. And you believe him. I... hmm. I=20 see." Straightening his uniform, Picard leaned back and crossed one=20 ankle over his knee.=20 "It sounds absurd, I know. I can't explain it, Deanna, but there's=20 something about the way he has become=85 the way he *is*." The man=20 shrugged faintly, casting a distractedly thoughtful glance toward=20 the window. "Besides, when I sit down to puzzle over it, I can't=20 come up with one outright lie he's ever told me. I've long suspected=20 that he considers actually lying to be somehow beneath him." Too=20 many stars to count wandered by lazily outside, and Jean-Luc=20 couldn't help envying them. They didn't have anywhere particular to=20 be and they certainly didn't have anything unpleasant to do. He had=20 a lot of things to think about, and the universe seemed to be=20 conspiring against his having an opportunity to do it.=20 "When you said you wanted to be more confident of your own position,=20 what did you mean?" Troi's voice was calm and he made a mental note=20 to take the first opportunity to scold Q for having called her 'that=20 Betazoid street magician'. More stars passed, and Picard realized=20 that he was still looking at them instead of his counselor. Was he=20 afraid to look at her? The mere contemplation of that possibility=20 made him force his gaze back to meet Troi's; he might be a liar, but=20 he was no coward.=20 "I meant that I suspect the feeling may be mutual, or that it may=20 have that potential, but I wanted to be sure before I said anything=20 to anyone, including Q." It was to Counselor Troi's infinite credit,=20 Jean-Luc thought, that she managed to react to his revelation with=20 what appeared to be a mixture of professional curiosity and friendly=20 concern.=20 "You must have considered the possibility that Q is somehow using=20 his powers to influence your reaction," the woman said with=20 deliberate care. Picard smiled faintly. Although he had not yet=20 thoroughly coached himself on defending his relationship with Q, he=20 had known that the issue of mind control (or some subtler=20 manipulation) would be the first to be raised.=20 "I have considered that, yes. Considered and discounted it."=20 Frowning, Troi pressed the knuckles of one hand to her lips and=20 leaned back in her chair, watching the man carefully.=20 "Forgive me, Captain, but may I ask why?" "I hardly think I can stop you," Jean-Luc murmured with a rueful=20 half-smile. "It was based on intuition at first. Now I simply can't=20 help wondering why, if his goal were to possess me and he were=20 willing to use his powers to do it, he didn't just whisk me off to=20 the Continuum and make a pet out of me. The only conclusion I have=20 been able to come to is that he isn't looking for a pet."=20 "What do you think he's looking for? A lover?" Troi knitted her=20 brows thoughtfully, obviously considering the idea herself.=20 "I know it seems=85 unlikely, but I have no reason to think anything=20 else." Shrugging, Picard gestured mutedly with an empty hand. The=20 counselor rested an elbow on the arm of her chair and folded her=20 hands in her lap. She seemed uncomfortable, although she hid it=20 well, and Jean-Luc felt his control over the conversation slipping=20 away. Troi had a tendency to ask difficult questions, and he was=20 sure he didn't like the shrewd way her eyes assessed him. Suddenly=20 he regretted having allowed things to get this far. "You don't seem surprised by your feelings." Deanna's expression was=20 neutral, but held just a hint of warmth as she watched him, and Jean- Luc grumbled inwardly over the effectiveness of her counselor's=20 demeanor. His instinct was to tighten his lips and refuse to=20 volunteer more than was necessary, but she was seducing him with the=20 nonverbal promise of safety and comfort that he found infuriatingly=20 difficult to resist. He met her gaze and she remained steadfastly=20 patient, projecting her willingness to wait indefinitely for his=20 response.=20 "No. I'm not," Picard said, shifting his jaw and fully intending to=20 leave it at that, although he knew that the conversation wouldn't=20 end until he either satisfied her or ordered her to leave. Troi=20 raised an inquisitive dark brow and waited, making the man feel=20 ridiculously stubborn for wanting to resist. Maintaining one's=20 privacy was one thing, but cowering away from a subject that had=20 already been raised was another. He tugged at the bottom of his=20 uniform and exhaled, continuing with some effort. "I've been=20 attracted to Q for some time now, although I didn't acknowledge it=20 consciously until three weeks ago when he showed up in my quarters." "What happened to spur you to that realization then? His advance?"=20 Nodding noncommittally, the man gestured close to his body. "As a supplement to the conversation. I think if he had simply come=20 on to me I would have told him to get the hell off my ship -- " Here=20 Picard grinned faintly and he saw that, although she tried to=20 prevent it, Troi's lips itched upward as well. "-- but as it was, he=20 managed to get me to admit that I wanted him before he=85 made any=20 moves." Clearing his throat slightly, the man forced himself not to=20 squirm. He absolutely did not want to discuss his sex life with=20 anyone, and he particularly did not want to discuss his intimacy=20 with Q, but he wasn't going to shrink from the inevitable.=20 "At what point did he claim to be in love with you?" Troi watched=20 him calmly, all traces of shock gone from her expression. The old=20 aversion to sharing personal details rose in his throat like bile=20 and Jean-Luc tried to swallow it down. [Continued in Part 2/3] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. 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