Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!in.100proofnews.com!in.100proofnews.com!news-xfer.cox.net!peer01.cox.net!cox.net!border2.nntp.dca.giganews.com!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "Nick" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: NEW TNG: "Hard Won: Reflections" 2/3 (P/Q) [R] Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 393 Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:55:06 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1100274906 209.198.142.218 (Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:06 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:06 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:85547 X-Received-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 07:55:10 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Summary, etc in part 1/3. "After=85" What? After Q had jerked him off? After they had made love=20 the first time? Picard squinted helplessly, struggling to find a=20 euphemism that was both comfortable and accurate. Apparently sensing=20 his distress, Troi allowed herself an interruption in order to=20 rescue him. "After the two of you had been intimate?" Twitching his brows in a=20 vaguely affirmative way, Jean-Luc gave an almost imperceptible nod.=20 He was suddenly desperately thankful for the width of the desk=20 between them; it somehow made him feel safer and more confident to=20 have all of that distance buffering him and to sit in his own chair=20 as though he were presiding over the conversation from a position of=20 authority. "He became=85 upset. It was strange to see him that way, and I thought=20 something must be terribly wrong for Q to be so obviously bothered=20 by anything. He was going to flash out, just like that, until he=20 realized that I wanted him to stay." Unable to steel himself in=20 time, Picard grimaced at the memory of the searing anguish so=20 visible in Q's eyes as the entity had prepared to leave. When he had=20 blinked the reaction away and resumed his neutral, controlled=20 bearing, the man saw something new sparkle in Troi's eyes. It was=20 muted but distinctly visible, and it looked like compassion. //Does=20 she feel sorry for Q, or does she feel sorry for me for being so=20 completely taken in by this elaborate ruse?//=20 "What did he say?" "He didn't say anything at first. I didn't know what to do --=20 vulnerability isn't something one expects from Q -- so I just held=20 him. I held him, and he whispered, 'Jean-Luc, mon amour'."=20 "That means 'my love', doesn't it?" "In French, yes." Pausing to take a deep breath, Jean-Luc glanced=20 down at his folded hands. Troi shifted slightly in his peripheral=20 vision, but when he raised his eyes her expression was as open and=20 patient as it had been, if somewhat infused with curiosity. "I knew.=20 That had been the missing piece of information, and it made sense of=20 his behavior. I could see how being in love with a mortal would=20 cause him pain, and why he had continued to come up with bizarre=20 pretenses to visit me even after the Continuum had seemingly lost=20 interest in the Enterprise. I believed him because it made sense,=20 and because he hadn't tried to convince me that it was true. In=20 fact, I don't think he had intended to tell me at all."=20 Leaning forward in her chair and regarding him seriously, Troi=20 pursed her lips for a moment before cracking a faint, ironic smile. "Well, if this were a courtroom, I would say that you had a strong=20 case."=20 "Thank God it isn't, Counselor," Picard chuckled gruffly, feeling=20 some of the nervous tension drain out of him. He sobered quickly,=20 though, dark brows crinkling. "Although I imagine it might come to=20 that eventually." Sighing ruefully, the counselor nodded. "It very well might. For what it's worth, Captain, you have my=20 support. I trust you, although I admit the idea will take some=20 getting used to."=20 "For me too, I expect," Jean-Luc said, smiling faintly. It occurred=20 to him that they were speaking as though he and Q had already made=20 some sort of commitment to each other, and the thought made him=20 uneasy. Although Q had said he loved him, and had implied a desire=20 for a romantic relationship, the man would have felt more=20 comfortable with the situation if that desire were expressed=20 explicitly, and if he could express his own desire as well. The=20 whole thing seemed to hang from a frayed thread, and Q's absence was=20 becoming increasingly worrisome. So much could change in a short=20 period of time, and Picard had no doubt that the other Q would try=20 hard to convince his Q of the folly of pursuing a human. He made a=20 mental vow to hold off embracing his newly realized affections until=20 circumstances allowed for some degree of security. "Captain=85" Troi's voice interrupted his contemplation and he glanced=20 up apologetically. "There's one thing that I still don't=20 understand." With a nod to indicate his willingness to listen, Jean- Luc leaned back in his chair. "I realize there is a great deal that=20 I don't know or understand about Q, but I've never seen him take=20 anything other than a male form, and I've noticed that when you=20 refer to him you use masculine pronouns exclusively." The man tensed=20 and gritted his teeth, putting everything he had into allowing his=20 facial features to remain relaxed even as he knew that the empath=20 would sense the spike in his discomfort. Old habits died hard, and=20 there was no sense in compounding the obviousness of his distress.=20 "Yes," he answered carefully, maintaining eye contact through force=20 of will. Troi made a rolling gesture as though to indicate that he=20 must know what she was getting at and he certainly did, but he=20 wasn't going to get there for her. Part of her counseling technique=20 involved encouraging the patient to lead the discussion as much as=20 possible, so that she was only a facilitator of their own monologue=20 of self-discovery. Picard was a notoriously stubborn player of this=20 particular game, though, and now seemed like an exceedingly good=20 time to pull out all the stops. If it became necessary he would put=20 an end to the conversation, but he hoped he would be able to=20 communicate his refusal to discuss the subject with more tact and=20 less employment of his seniority.=20 "I just can't help thinking that, in all of our sessions, you've=20 never mentioned the possibility that you might be attracted to men."=20 "You're right, I haven't," Jean-Luc said, more abruptly than he'd=20 intended to. "I'm sorry, Counselor, but that is not something I wish=20 to discuss." Troi uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, frowning=20 gently. "Captain, it's perfectly normal for -- " Clearing his throat, Picard=20 interrupted the woman's speech by bracing his hands atop his desk=20 and rising stiffly. She looked confusedly up at him for a moment=20 before standing, her delicate brows knitted.=20 "I believe I am aware of your position on the subject, and I do=20 appreciate your concern. However, I am not prepared to discuss it."=20 The woman seemed to want to argue, but her mouth remained closed and=20 she raised her chin slightly in response to the formality of his=20 tone. With a nod of approval, he turned away, saying, "If you'll=20 excuse me." "Of course, Captain." Picard didn't turn around until the hiss of=20 the door told him that he was finally alone again. --- Jean-Luc growled as his knee burned across the gray-blue=20 rubber flooring of his personal handball holoprogram. He went down=20 hard, catching himself on his hands and feeling his wrists scream=20 their protestations at having to cushion his entire weight as it=20 dropped out of the air. Bouncing off the back wall, the ball thudded=20 into his side as he hunched over. He grunted, gritting his teeth=20 with irritation. Safety protocols couldn't protect him from his own=20 clumsiness, and the last thing he wanted was to have to sit on a=20 biobed and explain to Beverly why he was killing himself on the=20 holodeck at every opportunity. But he knew it wasn't clumsiness that=20 had him on his knees now, panting and dripping sweat onto the floor,=20 and it certainly wasn't clumsiness that made him squirm a leg out=20 from under his body to kick the ball that had settled beside him as=20 hard as he could. It shot up in a straight diagonal, smacking=20 against the far wall and returning as he watched impassively.=20 Knowing that he had sufficient reflexes to catch it easily and=20 making no attempt to do so, Picard let the ball bruise his shoulder=20 and bound away to settle harmlessly in the corner. No, it wasn't=20 clumsiness.=20 Q had been gone for eight days. Historically, eight days was=20 an exceedingly short time for the two of them to go without seeing=20 each other, but none of Jean-Luc's past experiences with the entity=20 seemed at all relevant to the current situation. So much had=20 happened in the past month to change the nature of their=20 relationship that the man hardly knew what to expect from the=20 future, but the one thing he had certainly expected was Q's prompt=20 return. Some part of him worried for Q's safety in the Continuum,=20 but his complete lack of comprehension of that place, if it could=20 even be called a place, made his worry dull and vague. Picard could=20 not conceive of what dangers might have awaited the entity's=20 arrival, and so there were no nightmarish images of his -- what?=20 friend? lover? -- in agony or disgrace to haunt him. In their=20 absence, in Q's absence, though, doubt had begun to slither in.=20 The combination of emptiness and giddy joy that had characterized=20 the first few days following their last parting had gone a long way=20 toward solidifying Jean-Luc's own feelings, and on the fifth day he=20 had admitted unequivocally that it was more than lust or even=20 affection that had driven his response to Q's advance. In that=20 moment he had desperately wanted to say so aloud, to tell Q and, in=20 telling Q, to tell himself. Wondering whether it wasn't possible=20 that the entity was watching for him, waiting for just such a=20 revelation, as he had been after their first night together, Picard=20 had stood up from his armchair and addressed the empty air. He had=20 said Q's name to his bedroom wall, through the threshold into his=20 front room, and even into his bathroom. Only the soft hum of the=20 ship's engines had replied. That was when he had really begun to=20 doubt. Now, slurping carelessly at the sweat dripping off the tip=20 of his nose and onto his upper lip as he knelt on the rubber floor,=20 Jean-Luc had trouble remembering how he could have believed that an=20 omniscient immortal might really love him. He replayed his=20 conversation with Troi over in his mind, laughing into the empty=20 room at his own foolish arrogance. No, of course Q hadn't been using=20 his powers to influence the man's reaction; that would have been=20 cheating at whatever bizarre experiment or game to which the entity=20 was probably subjecting him. Picard's fist bounced off the floor and=20 he settled back clumsily into a sitting position. Q had seemed so=20 *sincere*. Q had never lied to him before, not overtly. Then where=20 was he? Could he be sprawled in the Continuum equivalent of a ditch=20 somewhere while Jean-Luc doubted his sincerity? Could he be=20 watching, listening to the man's thoughts and laughing hysterically=20 while Jean-Luc admitted his own love? If Q did love him, why? How?=20 What could a primitive, mortal explorer possibly offer a being for=20 whom exploration was as simple and innate as breathing was to him?=20 If Q wanted to know the significance of an archaic symbol within the=20 cultural landscape of an ancient culture, all he had to do was wish=20 to know it. But why should Q care about archaic symbols and ancient=20 cultures when he had access to all the knowledge in the universe,=20 most of which Picard could probably have no hope of understanding?=20 No. No. The only relevant question was whether Q did or didn't care=20 for him; wallowing in insecurity could only be detrimental. He=20 wasn't required to be in love with himself, or to guess what Q saw=20 in him. It was enough to know that, if the entity was sincere, he=20 saw *something*. And if Q hadn't been sincere?=20 To his disgust, Jean-Luc now found the prospect devastating. //I=20 told myself I wasn't going to let his happen again, and I did so=20 well for so many years. Now that it has, am I going to curl up and=20 die because a three-week relationship has exploded in my face?=20 Pathetic!// But even Jean-Luc Picard couldn't be that hard on=20 himself. The truth was that he had known Q for nearly ten years, and=20 had been teetering so close to the edge of being in love with the=20 entity for so much of that time that he had trouble deciding where=20 the edge actually lay and when he had finally crossed it. At first,=20 his indignation at each of Q's appearances in his life had been=20 unquestionably legitimate, but gradually it had become his only=20 defense against the longing that threatened to overwhelm his=20 judgment. The possibility of a relationship between them had not=20 occurred to him, would have seemed absurd, did seem absurd, and so=20 his feelings had been relegated to little more than disconcerting=20 physical reactions to Q's presence. His heart had beat faster, and=20 he had called it fear; his stomach had knotted and he had called it=20 apprehension; his breath had caught and he had called it=20 exasperation. In a sense he did fear Q, was apprehensive of his=20 intentions and the power that Picard knew, in the back of his mind,=20 that the entity could have over him. But it wasn't death or physical=20 injury or even treachery that the man had come to fear from Q in=20 recent years; it was that Q might finally decide to unravel the=20 knots in his heart that he had somehow managed to obscure from Troi=20 and even himself. Now that the entity had done that and disappeared=20 again, Jean-Luc felt utterly at his mercy.=20 Scowling at the thought, the captain staggered to his feet and=20 stalked over toward the corner to retrieve his ball. He couldn't=20 afford to sit idle for long. His deliberations would drive him=20 insane, if he weren't there already. Picard shook his head and=20 grunted as he snatched up the ball, intending to once again take his=20 position at the mark and force his body on until it gave out under=20 him. At least then he would be able to sleep. "Jean-Luc?" The voice was so unexpected that he had to turn around=20 and see Beverly Crusher standing inside the holodeck door before his=20 brain registered that it belonged to her. She was wearing off-duty=20 clothes and her hand lingered near doorframe as she watched him.=20 After a second's hesitation, he nodded once and stepped behind the=20 line, facing the far wall and preparing to throw. "Beverly." Throw. Smack. Whap. "Jean-Luc=85" "Mmm?" Bounce. Smack. Bounce bounce. Lunge. "*Jean-Luc*." Picard had been using every ounce of concentration he=20 had to will Beverly away, to will his thoughts away, to will=20 everything away except the ball and the walls, the rubber floor, his=20 aching feet and his red, stinging hands. When he lunged to return=20 his own serve and collided roughly with the last person he wanted to=20 speak to in the universe, though, his work was utterly undone. They=20 stumbled but neither fell, and when Jean-Luc regained his balance he=20 found himself looking directly into the woman's eyes. Somewhere=20 behind him, barely noticed, the ball rolled to an impotent stop in=20 the middle of the court. "Jean-Luc, what the hell is going on?"=20 Crusher breathed as he panted, returning her confusedly concerned=20 gaze with a blank stare. Picard ran a hand over his scalp, gathering=20 sweat droplets and sending others flying. "I had a few extra hours on the holodeck saved up so I decided to=20 use them," he heard himself say flatly. A hand clenched around his=20 bicep, swollen from overuse, and shook him slightly. "What's wrong with you? You've been in here for five hours, and it=20 was four yesterday, and the day before that. When I came in you=20 looked like you didn't recognize me. What is going on?" Beverly's=20 voice was desperately stern and it shook him out of his daze. All at=20 once the adrenaline drained out of him and he felt like a hot anvil,=20 his muscles burning with pain and too weak to support his weight.=20 Jean-Luc managed to keep it together for the two steps it took him=20 to reach the wall, where he slumped bonelessly. When Crusher rushed=20 to support him, he held up a hand a shook his head. "No, I'm all right=85 It's just=85 adrenaline=85" He made a limp, downward=20 gesture, as of something leaving his body. Nodding, the doctor=20 withdrew her hands and waited, hovering near and watching his face.=20 Picard regained his equilibrium slowly, and when his brain seemed to=20 be functioning properly again he shifted against the wall and=20 exhaled. "There have been some things I haven't wanted to think=20 about." It wouldn't be enough but it was all he felt capable of.=20 "I know, Jean-Luc=85 Give me that much credit at least." She made a=20 weak attempt at a smile, but it melted off of her face at his lack=20 of reaction. "Have you talked to Deanna about it? Whatever it is?"=20 Absently massaging his sore forearm, Jean-Luc nodded. "Several days ago. To be honest, I wanted to talk to you before that=20 discussion progressed any further." This time Beverly's smile was=20 more confident and it froze the pit of his stomach. //You won't be=20 so glad I wanted to come to you first when you find out why.//=20 "Well, I'm here now." Picard sighed. He felt naked, peeled open, and=20 small and his usual arsenal of emotional and social defenses dangled=20 just out of reach.=20 "Yes," he said, glancing across the court at the white markings on=20 the wall. Beverly watched him carefully, the concern returning with=20 his new evasion. What was he waiting for? The situation was only=20 going to deteriorate and he couldn't delay forever. Jean-Luc knew,=20 then, why he had struggled so desperately to keep it all inside,=20 always telling himself that he only needed to hold them off a little=20 while longer. He had been waiting for Q to come back and legitimize=20 his feelings.=20 But what if Q never came back? It seemed unlikely, but the=20 possibility of Q's returning only to tell him that it had all been=20 some sort of test or experiment did not. Dimly, Picard became aware=20 that Beverly had clutched his arm again and when he blinked over at=20 her she looked so stricken that he wondered whether she'd said=20 something that he hadn't heard. //Merde=85 I really am going insane. I=20 must be, if I thought I could manage this all on my own.// "It's Q=85" he murmured, and Beverly's brows darted together. "He=20 hasn't come back." She squinted at him and her grip on his arm=20 loosened, though her hand remained against his skin. It reminded him=20 of other times he had felt her touch, and his stomach twisted=20 guiltily. Forcing himself to meet her gaze, he did his best to=20 squash the sentimentality of bright new feelings and said, "I love=20 him." Beverly stared at him blankly. "What do you mean you love him?"=20 "I mean that I love him. I am in love with him. We are... lovers. At=20 least, I thought we were." Jean-Luc shrugged weakly, and it took all=20 of his effort to maintain eye contact with the doctor when she=20 recoiled, withdrawing her hand and tucking it into her body. As he=20 watched, though, her eyes narrowed purposefully. "But=85 Deanna=85 You said you spoke to her. Did you tell her that?" He=20 nodded numbly. "I wasn't as sure then as I am now, but yes, I told her."=20 "And she didn't..." Beverly trailed off uneasily, her eyes widening. "Didn't what? Have me removed from command for being under the=20 psychic control of a volatile immortal entity? Obviously not." As=20 much as he had tried to prepare himself for this conversation,=20 Picard found that he had no defense against the doctor's shocked=20 incredulity. Despite all rationality, the man felt himself growing=20 angry at the disparagement of Q's character, and deep guilt about=20 his past dishonesty with Beverly somehow fueled that impulse. He=20 gritted his teeth against lashing out harder than he already had and=20 watched the woman's face contort as she tried to make sense of what=20 he had told her. Unmoved by his agitation, Beverly gestured=20 animatedly, thinking hard and looking for answers in the walls and=20 in the palms of her hands.=20 "Jean-Luc, you can't seriously believe that you have genuine=20 feelings for *Q*... And Deanna... He's got to be influencing her too=20 if it didn't occur to her..."=20 "Of course it occurred to her, but I explained the situation. She=20 feels, as I do, that Q's having 'influenced' my reaction is=20 inconsistent with every fact we have." Tired all over and feeling=20 released from the social obligation to make eye contact by the=20 Crusher's thoughtfully wandering gaze, Jean-Luc looked down at his=20 rubber-soled sneakers.=20 [Continued in Part 3/3] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. 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