Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!prodigy.com!news.glorb.com!hermod.ttsg.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "Nick" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: NEW TNG: "Hard Won: Reflections" 1/3 (P/Q) [R] Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 395 Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:55:03 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1100274903 209.198.142.218 (Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:03 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:03 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:85550 X-Received-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 07:55:26 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Title: Hard Won: Reflections Author: nick Contact: plan9channel7@witty.com Series: TNG Rating: R Part: 1/3 Codes: P/Q Archives: anywhere, as long as my name stays attached. Also at my website: http://www.geocities.com/pompadour_slim/pq.html Summary: Beverly Crusher has a disturbing dream and Jean-Luc tries Warnings: Angst, hurt sans comfort Notes: The fifth in the Hard Won series. Probably won't make tons of sense without the others to back it up, but, hey, who am I to discourage the ambitious? Beverly Crusher tossed agitatedly in her bed, kicking away covers=20 she was unaware of with feet her unconscious mind didn't register as=20 being attached to her. She wasn't really in bed; she was somewhere=20 else, somewhere dark and quiet. But it wasn't completely dark or=20 completely silent; there were blue running lights, and the muted hum=20 of a ship's engines. Was she in her quarters after all? No, the room=20 was smaller, and it smelled of something musky and fragrant that was=20 at the same time generic and strikingly specific. A bed -- so there=20 was a bed after all -- loomed at the edge of her vision and seemed=20 selfish in its desire to be the center of her attention. Stretched=20 languidly across it was the form of a man, but no... not just a man.=20 Jack, her Jack, was naked, looking young and unselfconscious, where=20 he lay in the middle of the bed. Awash in the warmth and excitement=20 of a love that had not died with its object, Beverly looked down at=20 herself, hoping to see that she was as bare as he. To her confusion=20 and disappointment, though, she found that she was even barer, to=20 the point of being without any body at all. She tried to bring her=20 hands up to look at them, but there were no hands to respond to her=20 desire. There was only this room, this bed, this man.=20 As she watched, her vision zoomed in so that not the bed, but Jack=20 himself was the focal point of her attention. He was large in her=20 sight, so close that she could no longer see the rest of the room=20 around him. Laughing soundlessly, he bent his knees, spreading them=20 to make room for new knees, which settled between them on the bed.=20 Beverly tried to identify the person they were attached to, but it=20 was as though she were watching an old holo-vid without audio or=20 panning controls. She couldn't look away as the thighs attached to=20 the new knees flexed and shift apart, a large, strong-looking hand=20 coming down to caress Jack's flat stomach. Even beyond the fact that=20 it hurt her to see her dead husband with someone else, something was=20 strangely wrong about those muscular thighs; they were thick,=20 sprinkled with dark hair and decidedly masculine. What was Jack=20 doing with an alien woman so different from her, so outside his=20 usual taste? Despite her own misgivings about the situation, though,=20 Jack appreciated the woman above him eagerly, wrapping his legs=20 around her and arching languorously into the bed. He seemed content=20 to lie there and wallow in his pleasure as the large hands caressed=20 his chest and arms, in a way he had never done with Beverly. The bed=20 and the lovers brightened, becoming highly contrasted while=20 everything around them burnt and blackened. She didn't want to see=20 any more, and tried to close her eyes against the way they writhed=20 together before she remembered that she had no eyelids to close.=20 Helplessly, she watched as muscular biceps came into view above Jack=20 and a head descended over his chest as he moaned silently. That=20 head -- she would know it anywhere, even with the momentarily=20 confusing crop of light hair across the top.=20 Beverly Crusher shot up in bed with a startled bark.=20 Trembling slightly, eyes wide in the dark of her quarters, she=20 fought down the urge to vomit. It had only been a dream. It had been=20 grotesque, shocking and deeply painful, but it had only been a=20 dream. Perhaps it had been a manifestation of subconscious guilt=20 associated with how often she had contemplated elevating the status=20 of her relationship with Jean-Luc in the last few months. Yes, that=20 must be it. Some part of her worried that to act on her attraction=20 to Jean-Luc would be to betray Jack, and that part had conjured up a=20 disturbing image of the two of them in bed together to dissuade her.=20 That made sense, but somehow the conclusion didn't slow her pounding=20 heart or dry the sweat on her skin. It had seemed so *real*. Almost=20 without exception, her sexual dreams were full of symbolism and=20 largely lacking in overt, physical acts, but this one had been=20 entirely the opposite. She had been forced to watch as a young Jean- Luc put his hands on Jack's body and pressed against him, doing God=20 knew what behind the screen of their raised thighs, and she had been=20 able to, she now realized, *smell* them both. The entire dream had=20 been one bizarre, appalling physical act, the mental image of which=20 she wasn't sure she would ever be able to forget. But that was all=20 it had been, all it could have been. A dream. Just a dream. With a=20 deep, unsteady exhalation, Beverly lay back down and closed her=20 eyes. She had to fight her way through six silent recitations of the=20 protagonist's second monologue in the last play she had directed=20 aboard the Enterprise before she finally fell asleep again.=20 --- It took Picard three days to decide to make official note of=20 Q's most recent visit and to draft a report which was neither too=20 misleading nor suspiciously vague. That made two reports of=20 supposedly uneventful encounters with a notoriously conniving=20 immortal in roughly two weeks; avoidance was not going to get him=20 much further. Starfleet was going to become apprehensive about his=20 lack of apprehension, and he had no idea how to justify himself.=20 Perhaps if he and Q had been engaged in some sort of long-term=20 relationship he could make a reasonable claim of the entity's=20 harmlessness, but not only were they far from that point, he felt=20 foolish for even entertaining the thought. Q was a semi-omnipotent=20 immortal; Starfleet would be right to worry, and he was=20 irresponsible to let the situation continue. Even as he came to that=20 conclusion, though, the part of him that should have been deciding=20 to firmly reject Q the next time he saw him was conspicuously=20 silent. Somehow, on a wholly emotional level, Jean-Luc knew that Q's=20 proclamations of love had been genuine and he accepted that=20 knowledge without having a clue as to how he might defend his=20 acceptance rhetorically. He couldn't very well tell Starfleet that=20 he and Q were keeping company and would inform Picard's superiors=20 the moment they had a definite classification for their=20 relationship.=20 As he ran a distracted eye over the report he'd already=20 sent, Jean-Luc couldn't help snorting a bit.=20 //"To: Admiral Chou, Andrew From: Captain Picard, Jean-Luc=20 RE: Q=20 Admiral,=20 I am writing to inform you that the status of my relationship with Q=20 has been officially upgraded to 'dating'."//=20 He dropped the padd onto his desk with a gusty sigh that almost=20 drowned out the chirp of his door chime. Passing a hand lightly over=20 his face, Picard sat up straighter in his chair and prepared himself=20 for the possibility that his first officer might come bounding into=20 his quarters to ask him why the hell he hadn't called security the=20 moment Q had appeared in his bedroom.=20 "Yes, come." He exhaled along with the door as it hissed aside to=20 reveal a decidedly un-bounding Counselor Troi. At least if the truth=20 came tumbling out now Will wouldn't be the first to hear it. Jean- Luc had originally decided to put off telling anyone about his=20 relationship with Q -- whatever it was -- until he had a better=20 understanding of his own feelings, but he was increasingly beginning=20 to think that he might not have that luxury. When four days had=20 passed without bringing the entity's return, the man had begun to=20 worry and he had no doubt that it showed. The extra sets of handball=20 on the holodeck and the pensive staring in Ten Forward had probably=20 skimmed beneath the detection of most, but his command staff were=20 intimately attuned to each other's moods and routines; it was=20 difficult for any of them to suffer in silence for very=20 long. "Counselor," the captain said, nodding once. He might be=20 doomed to defeat, but he wasn't going to hand it over.=20 "Captain, the Minerva is stable and we should reach her position in=20 nine hours." Crinkling his dark brows curiously, Picard cocked his=20 head and watched Troi make her way toward his desk. "Will was going=20 to contact you but I told him I would rather deliver the message in=20 person. I was hoping to catch you alone."=20 "And so you have." He gestured toward a chair opposite his and tried=20 to guard his expression. Without taking her eyes from him, the=20 counselor settled into the offered seat and crossed her legs. "It=20 looks as though I've got nine hours to kill. What can I do for you?"=20 Troi cleared her throat and seemed to consider briefly before=20 opening her posture and regarding him with her familiar and much=20 dreaded, 'Now, Jean-Luc, we've known each other for years and I'm a=20 licensed professional...' expression. A subtle frown expressed his=20 disapproval of her approach, but he remained silent. "Captain, I was hoping you would come to see me=85 but that doesn't=20 seem to be your intention, so I've decided it's my duty to initiate=20 the conversation." Troi looked at him patiently and he knew he was=20 expected to collapse under her gentle reprimand and spill his guts.=20 Instead, he raised his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair. "Your duty? Do you think I'm endangering the ship, Counselor?" Oh,=20 dear. That had come out far more defensively than he'd=20 intended. //If the jig isn't up, it's ascending at maximum warp.//=20 Picard tried not to wince as Troi blinked. "Well, no=85 but something has obviously been upsetting you, and=20 frankly, the fact that you haven't dropped a hint to anyone as to=20 what it might be has us all a bit worried." She watched him=20 patiently again, but this time there was a tinge of nervous=20 apprehension in the way her brows twitched together. Sighing=20 resignedly, Jean-Luc folded his hands on the desk and glanced down=20 at them before meeting his counselor's eyes again. "You're right, it wasn't my intention to speak to you or anyone else=20 about it=85 at least not until I was more confident of my own=20 position. Unfortunately, it seems that a man can't play an extra set=20 of handball on this ship without someone raising the red alert." The=20 corner of his mouth tugged upward slightly and Troi relaxed visibly=20 in her chair. She matched his faint smile and nodded understandingly. "One has so little privacy on a starship, and I know this must feel=20 like just one more invasion of yours, but you're my friend as well=20 as being my captain and if something is going on I want to help. You=20 know that I'm not going to judge you." Glancing at his hands again,=20 Picard couldn't help frowning hesitantly. Of course she believed=20 that she could hear anything he might have to say without judging=20 him, but the belief was based on an incomplete picture of him.=20 Certainly neither her honest, upright Captain Picard nor her=20 intellectual, gently reserved friend Jean-Luc could have anything=20 truly damning to hide. //If only one of them were in my place right=20 now,// he thought darkly. "Jean-Luc=85" Troi's soft murmur brought him=20 away from the contemplation of his hands and back into his ready=20 room and their conversation. Her soft face was full of concern and=20 he kicked himself for becoming even slightly emotional in her=20 presence. "=85whatever it is, it can't be that bad." It wasn't too=20 late; he could still put her off. If he sent her away, closed the=20 subject, she would acquiesce. That was his privilege as Captain,=20 after all. There was very little to which his staff would not=20 acquiesce, as long as he maintained his ability to command. Picard=20 couldn't help wondering, though, whether sending her away now=20 wouldn't be an abuse of that privilege. And anyway, if his=20 relationship with Q did progress, it would eventually have to do so=20 openly. Whom would he rather tell first, Deanna Troi or Starfleet=20 Command? Beyond that, when he did attempt to make some reasonable=20 explanation to Starfleet, he was certain that he did not want his=20 command staff to hear it first in that context, to be shocked and=20 hurt and struggling to provide him with the support expected. The=20 man took a deep breath.=20 "I suppose you've read my reports regarding Q's recent appearances."=20 Something flashed in Troi's round eyes but she chased it away with=20 open neutrality.=20 "I think we all have." Running a hand over his scalp, Jean-Luc=20 nodded.=20 "They are not entirely accurate. Or, perhaps I ought to say that=20 they lack a certain fullness of disclosure." Troi blinked again and=20 it struck him as strangely comic. Under normal circumstances, Picard=20 would not have been amused by the discomfort of one of his good=20 friends and exceptional officers, but these were not normal=20 circumstances. He was in a corner; the taste of death was on his=20 tongue. Suddenly everything seemed just slightly hilarious. Clearing=20 his throat, he quickly reigned in both his amusement and his sway=20 toward the dramatic. "In what sense?" Troi asked with the air of someone bravely opening=20 the door of a closet they knew to be stuffed with precariously=20 situated heavy things. Jean-Luc pursed his lips. //Am I really going=20 to tell her? Well, 'in for a penny', 'point of no return', and any=20 other clich=E9s you can think of.// "In the sense that they make no mention of the=85" //incredible=20 sex// "=85 romantic nature of his visitations." Troi's eyes bulged for=20 a second, though she maintained such control over the rest of her=20 expression that Picard couldn't help but silently commend her. As=20 she recovered, the counselor seemed to want to laugh but the=20 soberness of his expression left her at a loss. "Are you saying he made some sort of an advance?" "That is part of what I'm saying."=20 "And the other part?" Jean-Luc might have felt guilty about making=20 her drag it out of him, but Troi was so overwhelmed with shocked=20 curiosity that for the moment she seemed uncharacteristically eager=20 to lead the discussion. "He claims to be in love with me, and I think I believe him." The=20 counselor's swooping brows drew together. She opened her mouth,=20 closed it, and then opened it again. "Q claims to be in love with you. And you believe him. I... hmm. I=20 see." Straightening his uniform, Picard leaned back and crossed one=20 ankle over his knee.=20 "It sounds absurd, I know. I can't explain it, Deanna, but there's=20 something about the way he has become=85 the way he *is*." The man=20 shrugged faintly, casting a distractedly thoughtful glance toward=20 the window. "Besides, when I sit down to puzzle over it, I can't=20 come up with one outright lie he's ever told me. I've long suspected=20 that he considers actually lying to be somehow beneath him." Too=20 many stars to count wandered by lazily outside, and Jean-Luc=20 couldn't help envying them. They didn't have anywhere particular to=20 be and they certainly didn't have anything unpleasant to do. He had=20 a lot of things to think about, and the universe seemed to be=20 conspiring against his having an opportunity to do it.=20 "When you said you wanted to be more confident of your own position,=20 what did you mean?" Troi's voice was calm and he made a mental note=20 to take the first opportunity to scold Q for having called her 'that=20 Betazoid street magician'. More stars passed, and Picard realized=20 that he was still looking at them instead of his counselor. Was he=20 afraid to look at her? The mere contemplation of that possibility=20 made him force his gaze back to meet Troi's; he might be a liar, but=20 he was no coward.=20 "I meant that I suspect the feeling may be mutual, or that it may=20 have that potential, but I wanted to be sure before I said anything=20 to anyone, including Q." It was to Counselor Troi's infinite credit,=20 Jean-Luc thought, that she managed to react to his revelation with=20 what appeared to be a mixture of professional curiosity and friendly=20 concern.=20 "You must have considered the possibility that Q is somehow using=20 his powers to influence your reaction," the woman said with=20 deliberate care. Picard smiled faintly. Although he had not yet=20 thoroughly coached himself on defending his relationship with Q, he=20 had known that the issue of mind control (or some subtler=20 manipulation) would be the first to be raised.=20 "I have considered that, yes. Considered and discounted it."=20 Frowning, Troi pressed the knuckles of one hand to her lips and=20 leaned back in her chair, watching the man carefully.=20 "Forgive me, Captain, but may I ask why?" "I hardly think I can stop you," Jean-Luc murmured with a rueful=20 half-smile. "It was based on intuition at first. Now I simply can't=20 help wondering why, if his goal were to possess me and he were=20 willing to use his powers to do it, he didn't just whisk me off to=20 the Continuum and make a pet out of me. The only conclusion I have=20 been able to come to is that he isn't looking for a pet."=20 "What do you think he's looking for? A lover?" Troi knitted her=20 brows thoughtfully, obviously considering the idea herself.=20 "I know it seems=85 unlikely, but I have no reason to think anything=20 else." Shrugging, Picard gestured mutedly with an empty hand. The=20 counselor rested an elbow on the arm of her chair and folded her=20 hands in her lap. She seemed uncomfortable, although she hid it=20 well, and Jean-Luc felt his control over the conversation slipping=20 away. Troi had a tendency to ask difficult questions, and he was=20 sure he didn't like the shrewd way her eyes assessed him. Suddenly=20 he regretted having allowed things to get this far. "You don't seem surprised by your feelings." Deanna's expression was=20 neutral, but held just a hint of warmth as she watched him, and Jean- Luc grumbled inwardly over the effectiveness of her counselor's=20 demeanor. His instinct was to tighten his lips and refuse to=20 volunteer more than was necessary, but she was seducing him with the=20 nonverbal promise of safety and comfort that he found infuriatingly=20 difficult to resist. He met her gaze and she remained steadfastly=20 patient, projecting her willingness to wait indefinitely for his=20 response.=20 "No. I'm not," Picard said, shifting his jaw and fully intending to=20 leave it at that, although he knew that the conversation wouldn't=20 end until he either satisfied her or ordered her to leave. Troi=20 raised an inquisitive dark brow and waited, making the man feel=20 ridiculously stubborn for wanting to resist. Maintaining one's=20 privacy was one thing, but cowering away from a subject that had=20 already been raised was another. He tugged at the bottom of his=20 uniform and exhaled, continuing with some effort. "I've been=20 attracted to Q for some time now, although I didn't acknowledge it=20 consciously until three weeks ago when he showed up in my quarters." "What happened to spur you to that realization then? His advance?"=20 Nodding noncommittally, the man gestured close to his body. "As a supplement to the conversation. I think if he had simply come=20 on to me I would have told him to get the hell off my ship -- " Here=20 Picard grinned faintly and he saw that, although she tried to=20 prevent it, Troi's lips itched upward as well. "-- but as it was, he=20 managed to get me to admit that I wanted him before he=85 made any=20 moves." Clearing his throat slightly, the man forced himself not to=20 squirm. He absolutely did not want to discuss his sex life with=20 anyone, and he particularly did not want to discuss his intimacy=20 with Q, but he wasn't going to shrink from the inevitable.=20 "At what point did he claim to be in love with you?" Troi watched=20 him calmly, all traces of shock gone from her expression. The old=20 aversion to sharing personal details rose in his throat like bile=20 and Jean-Luc tried to swallow it down. [Continued in Part 2/3] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. Most recent messages can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML. NewMessage: Path: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!in.100proofnews.com!in.100proofnews.com!news-xfer.cox.net!peer01.cox.net!cox.net!border2.nntp.dca.giganews.com!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "Nick" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: NEW TNG: "Hard Won: Reflections" 2/3 (P/Q) [R] Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Lines: 393 Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:55:06 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1100274906 209.198.142.218 (Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:06 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:06 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:85547 X-Received-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 07:55:10 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Summary, etc in part 1/3. "After=85" What? After Q had jerked him off? After they had made love=20 the first time? Picard squinted helplessly, struggling to find a=20 euphemism that was both comfortable and accurate. Apparently sensing=20 his distress, Troi allowed herself an interruption in order to=20 rescue him. "After the two of you had been intimate?" Twitching his brows in a=20 vaguely affirmative way, Jean-Luc gave an almost imperceptible nod.=20 He was suddenly desperately thankful for the width of the desk=20 between them; it somehow made him feel safer and more confident to=20 have all of that distance buffering him and to sit in his own chair=20 as though he were presiding over the conversation from a position of=20 authority. "He became=85 upset. It was strange to see him that way, and I thought=20 something must be terribly wrong for Q to be so obviously bothered=20 by anything. He was going to flash out, just like that, until he=20 realized that I wanted him to stay." Unable to steel himself in=20 time, Picard grimaced at the memory of the searing anguish so=20 visible in Q's eyes as the entity had prepared to leave. When he had=20 blinked the reaction away and resumed his neutral, controlled=20 bearing, the man saw something new sparkle in Troi's eyes. It was=20 muted but distinctly visible, and it looked like compassion. //Does=20 she feel sorry for Q, or does she feel sorry for me for being so=20 completely taken in by this elaborate ruse?//=20 "What did he say?" "He didn't say anything at first. I didn't know what to do --=20 vulnerability isn't something one expects from Q -- so I just held=20 him. I held him, and he whispered, 'Jean-Luc, mon amour'."=20 "That means 'my love', doesn't it?" "In French, yes." Pausing to take a deep breath, Jean-Luc glanced=20 down at his folded hands. Troi shifted slightly in his peripheral=20 vision, but when he raised his eyes her expression was as open and=20 patient as it had been, if somewhat infused with curiosity. "I knew.=20 That had been the missing piece of information, and it made sense of=20 his behavior. I could see how being in love with a mortal would=20 cause him pain, and why he had continued to come up with bizarre=20 pretenses to visit me even after the Continuum had seemingly lost=20 interest in the Enterprise. I believed him because it made sense,=20 and because he hadn't tried to convince me that it was true. In=20 fact, I don't think he had intended to tell me at all."=20 Leaning forward in her chair and regarding him seriously, Troi=20 pursed her lips for a moment before cracking a faint, ironic smile. "Well, if this were a courtroom, I would say that you had a strong=20 case."=20 "Thank God it isn't, Counselor," Picard chuckled gruffly, feeling=20 some of the nervous tension drain out of him. He sobered quickly,=20 though, dark brows crinkling. "Although I imagine it might come to=20 that eventually." Sighing ruefully, the counselor nodded. "It very well might. For what it's worth, Captain, you have my=20 support. I trust you, although I admit the idea will take some=20 getting used to."=20 "For me too, I expect," Jean-Luc said, smiling faintly. It occurred=20 to him that they were speaking as though he and Q had already made=20 some sort of commitment to each other, and the thought made him=20 uneasy. Although Q had said he loved him, and had implied a desire=20 for a romantic relationship, the man would have felt more=20 comfortable with the situation if that desire were expressed=20 explicitly, and if he could express his own desire as well. The=20 whole thing seemed to hang from a frayed thread, and Q's absence was=20 becoming increasingly worrisome. So much could change in a short=20 period of time, and Picard had no doubt that the other Q would try=20 hard to convince his Q of the folly of pursuing a human. He made a=20 mental vow to hold off embracing his newly realized affections until=20 circumstances allowed for some degree of security. "Captain=85" Troi's voice interrupted his contemplation and he glanced=20 up apologetically. "There's one thing that I still don't=20 understand." With a nod to indicate his willingness to listen, Jean- Luc leaned back in his chair. "I realize there is a great deal that=20 I don't know or understand about Q, but I've never seen him take=20 anything other than a male form, and I've noticed that when you=20 refer to him you use masculine pronouns exclusively." The man tensed=20 and gritted his teeth, putting everything he had into allowing his=20 facial features to remain relaxed even as he knew that the empath=20 would sense the spike in his discomfort. Old habits died hard, and=20 there was no sense in compounding the obviousness of his distress.=20 "Yes," he answered carefully, maintaining eye contact through force=20 of will. Troi made a rolling gesture as though to indicate that he=20 must know what she was getting at and he certainly did, but he=20 wasn't going to get there for her. Part of her counseling technique=20 involved encouraging the patient to lead the discussion as much as=20 possible, so that she was only a facilitator of their own monologue=20 of self-discovery. Picard was a notoriously stubborn player of this=20 particular game, though, and now seemed like an exceedingly good=20 time to pull out all the stops. If it became necessary he would put=20 an end to the conversation, but he hoped he would be able to=20 communicate his refusal to discuss the subject with more tact and=20 less employment of his seniority.=20 "I just can't help thinking that, in all of our sessions, you've=20 never mentioned the possibility that you might be attracted to men."=20 "You're right, I haven't," Jean-Luc said, more abruptly than he'd=20 intended to. "I'm sorry, Counselor, but that is not something I wish=20 to discuss." Troi uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, frowning=20 gently. "Captain, it's perfectly normal for -- " Clearing his throat, Picard=20 interrupted the woman's speech by bracing his hands atop his desk=20 and rising stiffly. She looked confusedly up at him for a moment=20 before standing, her delicate brows knitted.=20 "I believe I am aware of your position on the subject, and I do=20 appreciate your concern. However, I am not prepared to discuss it."=20 The woman seemed to want to argue, but her mouth remained closed and=20 she raised her chin slightly in response to the formality of his=20 tone. With a nod of approval, he turned away, saying, "If you'll=20 excuse me." "Of course, Captain." Picard didn't turn around until the hiss of=20 the door told him that he was finally alone again. --- Jean-Luc growled as his knee burned across the gray-blue=20 rubber flooring of his personal handball holoprogram. He went down=20 hard, catching himself on his hands and feeling his wrists scream=20 their protestations at having to cushion his entire weight as it=20 dropped out of the air. Bouncing off the back wall, the ball thudded=20 into his side as he hunched over. He grunted, gritting his teeth=20 with irritation. Safety protocols couldn't protect him from his own=20 clumsiness, and the last thing he wanted was to have to sit on a=20 biobed and explain to Beverly why he was killing himself on the=20 holodeck at every opportunity. But he knew it wasn't clumsiness that=20 had him on his knees now, panting and dripping sweat onto the floor,=20 and it certainly wasn't clumsiness that made him squirm a leg out=20 from under his body to kick the ball that had settled beside him as=20 hard as he could. It shot up in a straight diagonal, smacking=20 against the far wall and returning as he watched impassively.=20 Knowing that he had sufficient reflexes to catch it easily and=20 making no attempt to do so, Picard let the ball bruise his shoulder=20 and bound away to settle harmlessly in the corner. No, it wasn't=20 clumsiness.=20 Q had been gone for eight days. Historically, eight days was=20 an exceedingly short time for the two of them to go without seeing=20 each other, but none of Jean-Luc's past experiences with the entity=20 seemed at all relevant to the current situation. So much had=20 happened in the past month to change the nature of their=20 relationship that the man hardly knew what to expect from the=20 future, but the one thing he had certainly expected was Q's prompt=20 return. Some part of him worried for Q's safety in the Continuum,=20 but his complete lack of comprehension of that place, if it could=20 even be called a place, made his worry dull and vague. Picard could=20 not conceive of what dangers might have awaited the entity's=20 arrival, and so there were no nightmarish images of his -- what?=20 friend? lover? -- in agony or disgrace to haunt him. In their=20 absence, in Q's absence, though, doubt had begun to slither in.=20 The combination of emptiness and giddy joy that had characterized=20 the first few days following their last parting had gone a long way=20 toward solidifying Jean-Luc's own feelings, and on the fifth day he=20 had admitted unequivocally that it was more than lust or even=20 affection that had driven his response to Q's advance. In that=20 moment he had desperately wanted to say so aloud, to tell Q and, in=20 telling Q, to tell himself. Wondering whether it wasn't possible=20 that the entity was watching for him, waiting for just such a=20 revelation, as he had been after their first night together, Picard=20 had stood up from his armchair and addressed the empty air. He had=20 said Q's name to his bedroom wall, through the threshold into his=20 front room, and even into his bathroom. Only the soft hum of the=20 ship's engines had replied. That was when he had really begun to=20 doubt. Now, slurping carelessly at the sweat dripping off the tip=20 of his nose and onto his upper lip as he knelt on the rubber floor,=20 Jean-Luc had trouble remembering how he could have believed that an=20 omniscient immortal might really love him. He replayed his=20 conversation with Troi over in his mind, laughing into the empty=20 room at his own foolish arrogance. No, of course Q hadn't been using=20 his powers to influence the man's reaction; that would have been=20 cheating at whatever bizarre experiment or game to which the entity=20 was probably subjecting him. Picard's fist bounced off the floor and=20 he settled back clumsily into a sitting position. Q had seemed so=20 *sincere*. Q had never lied to him before, not overtly. Then where=20 was he? Could he be sprawled in the Continuum equivalent of a ditch=20 somewhere while Jean-Luc doubted his sincerity? Could he be=20 watching, listening to the man's thoughts and laughing hysterically=20 while Jean-Luc admitted his own love? If Q did love him, why? How?=20 What could a primitive, mortal explorer possibly offer a being for=20 whom exploration was as simple and innate as breathing was to him?=20 If Q wanted to know the significance of an archaic symbol within the=20 cultural landscape of an ancient culture, all he had to do was wish=20 to know it. But why should Q care about archaic symbols and ancient=20 cultures when he had access to all the knowledge in the universe,=20 most of which Picard could probably have no hope of understanding?=20 No. No. The only relevant question was whether Q did or didn't care=20 for him; wallowing in insecurity could only be detrimental. He=20 wasn't required to be in love with himself, or to guess what Q saw=20 in him. It was enough to know that, if the entity was sincere, he=20 saw *something*. And if Q hadn't been sincere?=20 To his disgust, Jean-Luc now found the prospect devastating. //I=20 told myself I wasn't going to let his happen again, and I did so=20 well for so many years. Now that it has, am I going to curl up and=20 die because a three-week relationship has exploded in my face?=20 Pathetic!// But even Jean-Luc Picard couldn't be that hard on=20 himself. The truth was that he had known Q for nearly ten years, and=20 had been teetering so close to the edge of being in love with the=20 entity for so much of that time that he had trouble deciding where=20 the edge actually lay and when he had finally crossed it. At first,=20 his indignation at each of Q's appearances in his life had been=20 unquestionably legitimate, but gradually it had become his only=20 defense against the longing that threatened to overwhelm his=20 judgment. The possibility of a relationship between them had not=20 occurred to him, would have seemed absurd, did seem absurd, and so=20 his feelings had been relegated to little more than disconcerting=20 physical reactions to Q's presence. His heart had beat faster, and=20 he had called it fear; his stomach had knotted and he had called it=20 apprehension; his breath had caught and he had called it=20 exasperation. In a sense he did fear Q, was apprehensive of his=20 intentions and the power that Picard knew, in the back of his mind,=20 that the entity could have over him. But it wasn't death or physical=20 injury or even treachery that the man had come to fear from Q in=20 recent years; it was that Q might finally decide to unravel the=20 knots in his heart that he had somehow managed to obscure from Troi=20 and even himself. Now that the entity had done that and disappeared=20 again, Jean-Luc felt utterly at his mercy.=20 Scowling at the thought, the captain staggered to his feet and=20 stalked over toward the corner to retrieve his ball. He couldn't=20 afford to sit idle for long. His deliberations would drive him=20 insane, if he weren't there already. Picard shook his head and=20 grunted as he snatched up the ball, intending to once again take his=20 position at the mark and force his body on until it gave out under=20 him. At least then he would be able to sleep. "Jean-Luc?" The voice was so unexpected that he had to turn around=20 and see Beverly Crusher standing inside the holodeck door before his=20 brain registered that it belonged to her. She was wearing off-duty=20 clothes and her hand lingered near doorframe as she watched him.=20 After a second's hesitation, he nodded once and stepped behind the=20 line, facing the far wall and preparing to throw. "Beverly." Throw. Smack. Whap. "Jean-Luc=85" "Mmm?" Bounce. Smack. Bounce bounce. Lunge. "*Jean-Luc*." Picard had been using every ounce of concentration he=20 had to will Beverly away, to will his thoughts away, to will=20 everything away except the ball and the walls, the rubber floor, his=20 aching feet and his red, stinging hands. When he lunged to return=20 his own serve and collided roughly with the last person he wanted to=20 speak to in the universe, though, his work was utterly undone. They=20 stumbled but neither fell, and when Jean-Luc regained his balance he=20 found himself looking directly into the woman's eyes. Somewhere=20 behind him, barely noticed, the ball rolled to an impotent stop in=20 the middle of the court. "Jean-Luc, what the hell is going on?"=20 Crusher breathed as he panted, returning her confusedly concerned=20 gaze with a blank stare. Picard ran a hand over his scalp, gathering=20 sweat droplets and sending others flying. "I had a few extra hours on the holodeck saved up so I decided to=20 use them," he heard himself say flatly. A hand clenched around his=20 bicep, swollen from overuse, and shook him slightly. "What's wrong with you? You've been in here for five hours, and it=20 was four yesterday, and the day before that. When I came in you=20 looked like you didn't recognize me. What is going on?" Beverly's=20 voice was desperately stern and it shook him out of his daze. All at=20 once the adrenaline drained out of him and he felt like a hot anvil,=20 his muscles burning with pain and too weak to support his weight.=20 Jean-Luc managed to keep it together for the two steps it took him=20 to reach the wall, where he slumped bonelessly. When Crusher rushed=20 to support him, he held up a hand a shook his head. "No, I'm all right=85 It's just=85 adrenaline=85" He made a limp, downward=20 gesture, as of something leaving his body. Nodding, the doctor=20 withdrew her hands and waited, hovering near and watching his face.=20 Picard regained his equilibrium slowly, and when his brain seemed to=20 be functioning properly again he shifted against the wall and=20 exhaled. "There have been some things I haven't wanted to think=20 about." It wouldn't be enough but it was all he felt capable of.=20 "I know, Jean-Luc=85 Give me that much credit at least." She made a=20 weak attempt at a smile, but it melted off of her face at his lack=20 of reaction. "Have you talked to Deanna about it? Whatever it is?"=20 Absently massaging his sore forearm, Jean-Luc nodded. "Several days ago. To be honest, I wanted to talk to you before that=20 discussion progressed any further." This time Beverly's smile was=20 more confident and it froze the pit of his stomach. //You won't be=20 so glad I wanted to come to you first when you find out why.//=20 "Well, I'm here now." Picard sighed. He felt naked, peeled open, and=20 small and his usual arsenal of emotional and social defenses dangled=20 just out of reach.=20 "Yes," he said, glancing across the court at the white markings on=20 the wall. Beverly watched him carefully, the concern returning with=20 his new evasion. What was he waiting for? The situation was only=20 going to deteriorate and he couldn't delay forever. Jean-Luc knew,=20 then, why he had struggled so desperately to keep it all inside,=20 always telling himself that he only needed to hold them off a little=20 while longer. He had been waiting for Q to come back and legitimize=20 his feelings.=20 But what if Q never came back? It seemed unlikely, but the=20 possibility of Q's returning only to tell him that it had all been=20 some sort of test or experiment did not. Dimly, Picard became aware=20 that Beverly had clutched his arm again and when he blinked over at=20 her she looked so stricken that he wondered whether she'd said=20 something that he hadn't heard. //Merde=85 I really am going insane. I=20 must be, if I thought I could manage this all on my own.// "It's Q=85" he murmured, and Beverly's brows darted together. "He=20 hasn't come back." She squinted at him and her grip on his arm=20 loosened, though her hand remained against his skin. It reminded him=20 of other times he had felt her touch, and his stomach twisted=20 guiltily. Forcing himself to meet her gaze, he did his best to=20 squash the sentimentality of bright new feelings and said, "I love=20 him." Beverly stared at him blankly. "What do you mean you love him?"=20 "I mean that I love him. I am in love with him. We are... lovers. At=20 least, I thought we were." Jean-Luc shrugged weakly, and it took all=20 of his effort to maintain eye contact with the doctor when she=20 recoiled, withdrawing her hand and tucking it into her body. As he=20 watched, though, her eyes narrowed purposefully. "But=85 Deanna=85 You said you spoke to her. Did you tell her that?" He=20 nodded numbly. "I wasn't as sure then as I am now, but yes, I told her."=20 "And she didn't..." Beverly trailed off uneasily, her eyes widening. "Didn't what? Have me removed from command for being under the=20 psychic control of a volatile immortal entity? Obviously not." As=20 much as he had tried to prepare himself for this conversation,=20 Picard found that he had no defense against the doctor's shocked=20 incredulity. Despite all rationality, the man felt himself growing=20 angry at the disparagement of Q's character, and deep guilt about=20 his past dishonesty with Beverly somehow fueled that impulse. He=20 gritted his teeth against lashing out harder than he already had and=20 watched the woman's face contort as she tried to make sense of what=20 he had told her. Unmoved by his agitation, Beverly gestured=20 animatedly, thinking hard and looking for answers in the walls and=20 in the palms of her hands.=20 "Jean-Luc, you can't seriously believe that you have genuine=20 feelings for *Q*... And Deanna... He's got to be influencing her too=20 if it didn't occur to her..."=20 "Of course it occurred to her, but I explained the situation. She=20 feels, as I do, that Q's having 'influenced' my reaction is=20 inconsistent with every fact we have." Tired all over and feeling=20 released from the social obligation to make eye contact by the=20 Crusher's thoughtfully wandering gaze, Jean-Luc looked down at his=20 rubber-soled sneakers.=20 [Continued in Part 3/3] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. Most recent messages can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML. NewMessage: ath: newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net!stamper.news.atl.earthlink.net!elnk-atl-nf1!newsfeed.earthlink.net!cyclone.tampabay.rr.com!cyclone.southeast.rr.com!news-east.rr.com!news.rr.com!newsprint.newsread.com!newsread.com!newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated Approved: ascem@earthlink.net Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut Sender: ascem@earthlink.net Message-ID: From: "Nick" MIME-Version: 1.0 Mailing-List: list ASCEML@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML-owner@yahoogroups.com Subject: NEW TNG: "Hard Won: Reflections" 3/3 (P/Q) [R] Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 416 Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 15:55:08 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1100274908 209.198.142.218 (Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:08 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 10:55:08 EST Xref: news.earthlink.net alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:85549 X-Received-Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 07:55:17 PST (newsspool2.news.atl.earthlink.net) Summary, etc in part 1/3. "Facts? Q has the power to *create* facts!" "Beverly, if Q wants to turn me into some sort of sex slave, why has he left me on my ship in the meantime? Beyond that, if he went to the trouble of brainwashing Deanna to keep his game a secret, why is he allowing you to see through it?" "I don't know! I don't know why Q does anything and neither do you, no matter how much you like to pretend otherwise. Do you even hear yourself, Jean-Luc? Did it occur to *you* that he's a man? I don't care what he looks like in the Continuum; he's a man as far as we're concerned." "I had noticed that, yes." "And that doesn't make you think he might have brainwashed you?" The doctor had her hands on her hips now, and she was looking at him with such an exasperatedly patronizing expression that he was almost shocked until he saw something glint in her eyes that went a long way toward explaining it. Beverly was afraid. He cursed himself for not seeing it earlier, but at his core he knew that he was in no condition to be sensitive or astute. Shaking his head slowly, Picard struggled to balance the strong wave of remorse that washed over him at knowing that he was somehow responsible for her fear with his desire to assert himself in defense of his feelings, finally. "No, it doesn't." Jean-Luc's voice was quiet and calm, and he was careful to soften his expression as he met the doctor's nervous gaze. "There are things you don't know about me, Beverly." The woman stared at him, her brow twitching delicately, and his mechanical heart seemed to pause in anticipation of her reaction. As he watched, her eyes glazed and widened and his heart restarted, thumping almost painfully in his confusion. He had expected that she would at least manage to pretend some grace at this point in his revelation, but the grimace of shock and disgust on her face was more like what he had supposed he would see there when he finally told her... "You fucked Jack." "What?" Picard stared stupidly, almost forgetting that it was true in his inability to imagine how she could possibly know now when she hadn't known before. "It wasn't a dream. You really did it, didn't you?" She was backing away slowly, a shaky hand trailing mindlessly along the wall of his handball program, looking at him as though he were brandishing a disruptor pistol. "I... you had a dream? About... Jack and me?" "Goddamnit, Jean-Luc! Deny it! Tell me it wasn't real... tell me you didn't lead me on like that without bothering to mention that you'd fucked my dead husband. Please, Jean-Luc." The words came out in a rush, losing momentum as they went, until Beverly was huddled against the wall just out of the door's sensor range, with her fist clamped over her mouth and her nostrils flaring in distress. Picard lurched toward her, planting his own hand on the wall and halting awkwardly when he arrived and realized he had no idea what to do. Should he touch her? Would she want him to? "Beverly, I..." He clamped his mouth around the imbecilic stuttering it seemed to want to vomit at her. Inhaling and starting again, he tried to sound rational. "It was long before the two of you --" "Oh God." Beverly stared at him numbly, the hollow way that her eyes looked through him twisting at his stomach. It was all so bizarre, so outside of his current ability to comprehend. Jean-Luc had known Beverly Crusher for over ten years. As their working relationship had evolved into a friendship, he had begun to feel a certain obligation to be completely honest with her about how well he had known her dead husband, but every signal she had given him screamed that the past was better left there, at least where he and Jack were concerned. She had never seemed to suspect, and he had decided that it would be useless and cruel to force the information on her. So, where had this sudden insight come from? And then, asking it that way suddenly made the answer seem so simple. His upper lip curling, Picard turned away from Beverly to stare up at the ceiling and through it, seeing empty space in his mind's eye and growling, "Why, Q?" The mindless hum of the Enterprise's engines and Beverly's elevated breathing answered him. "Damn it!" Snarling, he slammed his fist against the holodeck wall. Beverly jumped, seemingly jolted out of her daze, and focused her hard, critical eyes on him. "You're going to blame Q now?" Coming away from the wall, the woman folded her arms across her chest as she spoke. "You did it, Jean- Luc. Q apparently just thought I deserved to know." Picard shook his head, his gaze pulling reluctantly away from the ceiling to settle stormily on the doctor. "Believe me, Beverly, I very much regret that you had to find out this way -- or at all, to be perfectly honest -- but I do not regret my relationship with Jack... And Q had no right to --" "YOU had no right, Jean-Luc," the woman interrupted, unnerving him with the barely restrained passion in her voice. "You had no right to dance with me and have dinner with me knowing what you'd done." "You've danced with Data and had dinner with Will... Are you saying that my having had a relationship with Jack before he ever met you should have precluded us from being friends?" Jean-Luc made a short, exasperated gesture. His guilt was dissipating fast and leaving a streak of fatigue and indignation in its place. "I was *teaching* Data how to dance, and Will had dinner with me to get advice about how to approach Deanna! It's hardly the same thing and you know it. Are you going to pretend the subtleties of human interaction are lost on you, great explorer of the cosmos and representative of all humankind?" Beverly's voice was tired and raw, but the watery venom still stung him. Without taking his eyes from her face, Picard slumped against the wall and brushed a palm lethargically over his mouth. "No, you're right..." Jean-Luc murmured, glancing down at the illusory rubber floor where his feet were planted firmly to keep him from sliding down the illusory wall. When he looked back up at her his expression was resigned, regretful. "But we both needed someone and I honestly thought I was sparing you." "And it never occurred to you to ask me whether I wanted to be spared?" Beverly bristled, taking a step toward him. It felt inappropriate to be menaced by that seemingly involuntary movement, but Picard couldn't help wanting to shrink away and melt into the wall like a holo-novel character. He wouldn't have known how to deal with the situation if he had been at his best, but he sure as hell didn't know now. "No... yes... I don't know, but there's not a lot I can do about it now. I was trying to do the right thing." Jean-Luc's chin jutted just slightly, and he winced away a defensive frown. It was too much. Oh, it was too much for her to expect him to have this conversation when he could hardly stand, when he hadn't been able to think straight for three days. The woman's shock and dismay might prevent her from being concerned about his emotional or mental health at the moment, but she couldn't think she was going to get whatever it was she wanted from him under these circumstances. "No, there isn't anything you can do about it now, unless you can persuade Q to take you back in time so that you can NOT sleep with my husband." "I would never!" Picard growled, coming away from the wall and staring at the woman in hard incomprehension. The idea was appalling for so many reasons. How could she even suggest it? "Oh, I know, the *timeline* is --" "Forget the timeline!" Flailing an arm exasperatedly, Jean-Luc gritted his teeth as though he could trap the last remnants of his self-control between them. "I would never wish away what I had with Jack. Damn it, Beverly... I had no way of knowing that you would rather I had told you, and I'm sorry that it had to come out this way, but I do like to think that our friendship is strong enough to withstand this." "I'm sure it is... hero worship of the great Jean-Luc Picard is practically mandatory on this ship. I'm sure I'll come around eventually." "Beverly..." "Know when to walk away, Jean-Luc." --- Picard had to be on the bridge in four hours and he couldn't sleep. Giving up even the illusion of trying, he had gotten out of bed and curled up in his armchair with a book. The volume hadn't captured his interest long enough for him to read the title, though, and it now wedged itself between his thigh and the armrest, forgotten. Beverly's face loomed in front of him, whether he closed his eyes or not, and it scowled. He had felt guilty about lying to her for years, but her spiteful anger had seemed such an overreaction that he was no longer sure how he felt about any of it. How could he have known what she wanted him to do with his secret? He couldn't very well have asked her without spilling it. Grunting softly, Jean-Luc closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, pleased with the way the uncomfortable pressure seemed to impede the function of his overactive brain. "Why so glum, Johnny?" "Q!" The book flying unnoticed onto the floor, Picard surged up from his chair and nearly stumbled when his numb and tingling feet planted themselves in front of it. Q stood tall in the doorway, with his arms crossed and his features lost in the dim light. Despite the hurt and confusion left over from his confrontation with Beverly, Jean-Luc couldn't help the way his heart fluttered at the sight of that strong silhouette across the room. It all made a sickening soup in his stomach, and he tried to steady himself, to remind himself of eight days worth of misgivings and second thoughts. Promptly, Q took the reins of that operation from him. "Bev didn't like my present, I take it," the entity murmured indifferently, leaning on the doorframe and crossing his ankles. "I should have known. Humans are so ungrateful." Q's posture was excruciatingly nonchalant, and pain, deep and hot, splattered up from Picard's chest to redden his cheeks. Trying to suppress it, and fumbling at what remained of his hope with slippery emotional fingers, Jean-Luc took a step forward. "Q, what the hell did you think you were doing? And where have you been?" "Nag, nag, nag. 'What did you think you were doing, Q?' 'Where have you been, Q?' If I wanted a wife I wouldn't pick you, Jean-Luc." It was difficult to tell in the dark, but Q seemed to be studying his fingernails. //This can't be... how can he...// Suddenly Q's cowardice became unacceptable to Picard, and he stormed forward, intent on looking into those terrifying dark eyes while he dared the entity to go on acting as though nothing significant had happened between them. Q took a step back, seeming at first to shrink from the man's approach, but ending up in a more illuminating position with his face open to the blue lights that ran the length of Jean- Luc's quarters. Picard had expected to see ferocity there, or mockery, some facade that might suggest tender hidden emotions, but Q's expression was desolate. //Oh God.// "In a manner of speaking." That silky voice crawled over him like spiders, and Jean-Luc had to fight himself to keep from shivering. How was it possible that two of his worst fears were being realized in the same damn day? The answer was so obvious that it made him laugh a broken, dark, defeated laugh. It was possible because Q wished it to be so. When Picard spoke, he did it directly into Q's disinterested brown eyes. "Did you have this all planned out from the beginning, or did you simply tire of me, Q?" Seeming not to have heard him, Q curled his lips upward faintly and leaned back against the wall, his near complete lack of expression more sinister in the otherworldly blue tint of the running lights. "I can't decide which part I enjoyed the most... 'Jean-Luc... mon amour...' Convincing, oui? But, no, I think my favorite part was when I got you to admit that you loved me." "I never said that!" Jean-Luc roared, trembling slightly as he opened every receptive channel in his brain to the righteous anger that wanted to come spewing out and hoped that by some miracle it would keep him from dropping into the fetal position at Q's feet. The entity pouted his lips and nodded patronizingly at Picard's fury. "If you want to think of it that way. I imagine it will help you sleep at night, and you certainly do seem to need all the help you can get in *that* area." Everything Q said hit Jean-Luc like a physical blow to the throat, making him swallow thickly and try in vain to keep from falling back against the opposite side of the doorframe. The gagging pain in his throat stayed, though, and he was distantly aware that it was a sob trying to force its way up and into the open air. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so arrogant and so blind? How could he have looked into Q's terrified, painsick eyes and seen anything other than deceit? "Don't be too hard on yourself, Mon Capitaine," Q said, tapping his own temple. "You didn't have an awful lot to work with." Growling wordlessly as the room spun around him, Picard lurched out of the doorway and back into his bedroom proper, turning his back on the entity. He heard nothing, not even the constant hum of the ship's engines, but as he passed his hands shakily over his face he felt hot breath on his ear. "Hurts, doesn't it, Johnny?" Shuddering, Jean- Luc entertained a brief fantasy of gouging out his eyes to stop the tears that stabbed at the backs of them. He wouldn't give Q the satisfaction. Never. "Tell me why," he said quietly, his voice infused with a surprising steadiness that gave him the strength to turn around. Infuriated and humiliated by the way Q towered over him at this proximity, Picard felt his anger rise up again. "I demand that you tell me why you did this!" Unblinking, the entity showed his teeth in a cryptic, grimacing smile. "How easily you forget the gulf that separates us." As he spoke, Q turned away from Jean-Luc to pace the room, gesturing theatrically. "You're a human, Jean-Luc, and I am a Q. You're an insect gathering breadcrumbs only to collapse under your load one day and die, thinking that at least *this* day will be different from the last. I am a god, soaring through the cosmos, shaping the cosmos, *being* the cosmos. You can make all the demands you like, but your voice is as the buzzing of a terran fly in the ear of the Continuum." Not turning his head, Picard watched the entity out of the corner of his eye. He absolutely would not hang on Q's every movement like some sort of heartbroken puppy. "You've always told me why before," he said, staring numbly ahead of him. There was something wrong with this conversation, something that didn't make sense, but the agony in his chest and the effort required of him to maintain his composure were too distracting. "Every time you've put me or my crew through some hell you've had a grandiose rationalization for it, and you've fallen all over yourself to tell me so that I would see how clever you were." Q shifted quickly in his peripheral vision and then appeared in front of him, bearing down on the man as his eyes flared with the passion that had been so maddeningly absent before. "Hell? Surely you don't think this is Hell, Jean-Luc! Surely you can't be as melodramatic as that." Nostrils flaring and teeth chipping themselves in an effort to remain clamped together, Picard stared all of his outrage and devastation into those dark, narrowed eyes. Q's upper lip twitched ironically. "You have no idea what Hell is. To you, this is a love affair in tatters, an emotional rejection, the sort of thing humans deal with all the time. You've done so many extraordinary things according to the rickety and limited scales by which your species judges its members; don't tell me you can't handle being dumped, Picard." And it was true, wasn't it? Q was some sort of god thing and he was only a man -- a rejected, humiliated man who should have known better. He had brought this agony on himself by submitting so completely to the tempting hubris of his exalted position as to imagine that Q might really want him. Now he was going to cry and faint like a teenager? With a shaky, painful exhalation, the man passed a clumsy hand over his face. "All right, Q," he murmured dully, not worrying that the omniscient entity might have trouble understanding his muffled, quiet words. Q knew anything Q wished to know, and it made Jean-Luc feel stripped, with his emotional skin drawn open and pinned at his sides while his emotional organs stung in the open air. "You've made your point. I... accept my place in the Universe. Please. Leave." When no response came, he glanced up almost fearfully to find that he was alone again in his bedroom. No ostentatious flash, no last derision; he was simply alone. Stumbling slightly, as though he had been borrowing strength he hadn't had to keep himself upright in Q's presence, Picard slumped against his armchair. The room was spinning in earnest now, and his vision blurred with hateful tears that couldn't fall because he wouldn't allow them to fall. Q might still be watching. Q might never stop watching. //How disgustingly arrogant, Picard! He'll probably never give you another thought.// A wave of nausea swept up from his guts at the thought, sending him staggering into his bathroom to fall against the pristine metal basin there. He retched pitifully, dimly thankful that his reflection was obscured by his regurgitated dinner when the tears broke his crumbling dam of self- control. His body convulsed one last time and he collapsed onto the floor, his head hitting the rounded underside of the basin and making it sing mutedly. Imagining that Q could see him leaning that way, wedged into the corner of his bathroom as the waste processing and ventilation systems eliminated all evidence of his intestinal rebellion, Jean-Luc shivered. //No! Haven't you learned anything from this? He's not watching because he doesn't care. He never cared. He is Q. He is Q. He is Q...// The man grimaced and clutched at his scalp, hiding his swollen, red eyes from the universe with a skewed forearm. "...great explorer of the cosmos and representative of all humankind..." Crusher's voice purred in his mind, thicker and crueler than it had been, and he choked, slamming his fist into the basin. His legs kicked spastically once, in his grief, scrabbling across the floor and making him feel like a child. Hating himself more, he knitted his fingers hard behind his neck and trembled, closing his eyes against his grotesque, distorted reflection in the curved metal. How, how could he have let this happen? Once he had, how could he let himself wallow in it, hunched on the floor and crying for something so foolish, so impossible? Q had been right; it was only a love affair, and humans did endure them all the time. It was perfectly possible to have one's heart broken without losing the ability to function. It was, it was. Love, sex, intimate companionship -- all things he had done without for years, all things that paled in comparison to learning, to exploring, to being respected and trusted by superiors and subordinates alike. Then why couldn't he calm down? Why couldn't he stop gulping and trembling? Why was he sure that if he unlocked his fingers they would claw mindlessly at his face until he was unrecognizable? Picard kicked his feet again, this time in anger at himself for being so weak. His big toe jammed hard against the wall but he hardly felt it. All of his nerves, every part of him, seemed dead except for the fiery pain in his chest and the shuddering pressure between his temples. It had been like this when Adrian had left him. He had performed a calculated experiment to see how much synthehol he might need to drink to kill himself in one night, and then he had failed all of his midterm exams. His instructors, shocked by the sudden plunge and sure that he must be going through a difficult time, had gotten together to offer him an opportunity to mitigate the damage. He might have failed that, too, if a young cadet called Julia hadn't dragged him out of his violent depression with the offer of a simple, pleasant relationship that was wholly unengulfing. Of course, as far as she had known an attempt to help someone in need had become a sweet, low-flame romance that she would remember fondly into old age. For Picard, though, it had been a revelation. How could he ever have thought that he could reach out and touch a star without being seared to bits? Looking at a holographic recreation wasn't at all the same, but it was nice enough, and absolutely safe. And Q wasn't any star; he was a blue giant, the barest flash of which burned Jean-Luc into nothing and left an ashen silhouette on the wall. He had been so sure that he had learned his lesson, so sure that had set his priorities in order. Duty, enrichment, personal honor, compassion, friendship. He had considered himself happy, even given the lonely nights and the frustration of outranking everyone he might consider confiding in, showing weakness to. Now he was crumpled and ashamed, exhausted from having seen too many flashes of his true reflection in too short a period of time, hating himself and missing Q. [End.] ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list. Most recent messages can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML. NewMessage: